So this is a fun story for you. When I was a kid, I played 2nd base. Was one of those pesky slap hitters that annoyed the pitchers. I led the way for Orlando Hudson. Call me Orlando Oldson. At the age of twelve, I never struckout once. All season. That’s how Oldson did. Then when I turned thirteen, I sucked. I couldn’t hit the broadside of a barn. If they didn’t have to play every kid, I would’ve never seen any PT. At one point, I had a friend promise to throw the ball right down the middle just so I could get one hit for the year. And that was what I finished with. One hit. So wha’ happened? Where did Oldson disappear to? Well, going into that year, I discovered girls. And all of their fleshy parts. But I also needed glasses. Who was I? Chris Sabo? Chris Sabo got laid once. And he paid for it. So I took the easy way out and never wore my glasses. My baseball career paid for it big time. But I touched a boob! This brings me to Brian McCann. He’s supposed to be returning. Stat, doc. You know what catchers need? Rest. You know what McCann’s had a lot of? Mmm-hmm. See where I’m going with this? Of course you do. You gots smarts! So McCann had a terrible first month of April. Tizz-errible. Well, he couldn’t see like Oldson and his luck (BABIP) was in the shizzer too. Now as long as he’s not embarrassed to wear glasses around Frenchy, he should be fine. So potatoes to chips, he’s still a guy that can hit 20 HRs and bat .290. Buy, snitches! Anyway, here’s some more players to buy and sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Josh Whitesell – Starting the Buys with a -Sell? Oh, Grey! Lots of Ks in the minors for Whitesell, but also a solid OBP. Did someone say Dunn? No? I thought I heard that. No? Good, because that would be oversellling -Sell.
Chris Coghlan – I love the ‘lins! I really do. They have no problem promoting anyone. So Coghlan can play at the hot corner, 2nd base and the outfield. My guess is he’ll primarily see time at 3rd base so they can bench the guy who’s playing there now that is actually a pinch runner. He could spell Maybin and Uggla on occasion. Coghlan, besides having the weirdest name to spell outside of Buehrle, can steal bases and has a bit of power. Think 15 HRs, 25 steals. The steals could come easier at first. He’s a must pursue in NL-Only. But because his position is shallow, I’d immediately look at him in deep mixed leagues.
Juan Pierre – SAGNOF!
Michael Bourn – See 1/18th of an inch above.
Alexei Ramirez – Now you can get him for even cheaper as his owners begin to panic at The (Jayson) Nix Experiment™. I still believe he’ll come around.
Elvis Andrus – Has been batting 2nd recently. That’s a boon to his value. (A boon is a positive, but Andrus is in the Buy section so context clues should help you there.)
Chris Ray – He will eventually lead the Orioles in saves. Sure, that may only be 12 saves…
Andrew Bailey – The A’s are saying he’s going to be looked at for the closer role. Honestly, you don’t even need to know if he’s any good to pick him up if he could be the closer, but he is good.
Mark Melancon – Mo’s Better Meaty Meat Shoulder is hurting. Melancon could see some saves short term if Mariano’s hurting. (UPDATE: In a bizarre move, the Yanks optioned Melancon to the minors right after this was posted. Guess they have Mo faith than I.)
John Grabow – Capps has a minor elbow issue. Are pitchers ever okay when they have anything wrong with their elbow? I see a trip to the Disgraceful List in Capps’s future.
Scott Hairston – Hitting 3rd for the Padres. Faint endorsement for Hairston, major indictment of the Padres.
Jesus Guzman – With Aurilla and Ishikawa’s careers in the toilet and nobody flushing, how long until Guzman floats to the surface?
Jimmy Rollins – Sitting on a 13/1/7/.213/1 line. Wheels have come off Rollins, fo’ diggity. Unless he has a mysterious ankle injury that he’s not talking about, he’ll get better.
SELL
Jair Jurrjens – His K/BB rate is terrible, and his ERA will regress. But ya’ll didn’t think Jar-Jar would give you a 2.00 ERA all year anyway, did you? Don’t trade him for a bag of boiled peanuts, but I’d explore options. As they don’t say, the best is not yet to come.
Scott Kazmir – It seems like he’s headed for Junksville. In my top 20 starter for 2009 post, I put Kazmir in a tier of pitchers I would never own. Unfortunately, I co-drafted with Rudy and have Kazmir on one team. *shakes fist at sky* Rudy!
Jeff Weaver – Make sure when looking at trade offers you’re not thrown by the ol’ Je. Weaver trick.
Omar Infante – Hey, he’s playing! But, hey, he sucks. Oh.
Scott Richmond – If you can pawn him off for any piece whatsoever, do it. He’s really not this good. In fact, there’s a good chance he’s going to be awful.
Chad Tracy – With the recall of Josh Whitesell, Tracy’s time is getting pinched.
Chris Dickerson – Losing time to Laynce Nix. Wow, this was a big week in the Nix household. BTW, what’s with the Y’s in their first names? Layme.
Dallas Braden – Has been solid so far with a 2.50 ERA and 1.39 WHIP. Whoa. 1.39 WHIP is smoke. Yup, there’s a ‘too many walks’ fire burning in 3 of the last 4 starts. A bottle of Liquid Paper may get dumped on his ERA any start now.
Manny Ramirez – A female fertility drug? Even as he breaks our hearts, he makes us smile. Now don’t sell him too cheaply, but I’d explore options. Remember, by the time Manny returns, he may be in his 2nd trimester.
