Yesterday, Krispie Young had a double side of slam and an order of legs. Sorry, I’m hungry. And Krispie’s making me hungrier! Krispie creams the balls and my eyes glaze. Hungry for what, Grey? Shut up, Random Italicized Voice. Outside of China, Krispie flies could only mean one thing — someone’s hot or stealing Salty’s signs. Why do I feel like my cholesterol is going up just writing this? You know, I’ve never had my cholesterol checked. I’d go if the cholesterol checking doctor gave out a stick of butter like dentists give Dum-Dum lollipops. You think anyone knows what the Mystery Dum-Dum flavor is? I mean, anyone at all or is it just some leftover guck from the lollipop machines that happens to fall on a stick? The thing is, and there is a thing, young prematurely balding man, when Krispie gets hot he could hit ten homers and steal ten bases in the matter of two weeks. If you don’t like that sorta thing, you got high standards. Me? I’m wearing sweatpants for the last 230 days straight and picking up Young. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Alex Cobb – 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks to lower his ERA to 1.82. Yum, a Cobb solid. Here’s what I said previously about Cobb, “Cy Cobb? Nah, probably not. Last night though, pretty. Let’s look it how The Tampa Bay Peach got where he is. Earlier this year, The Tampa Bay Peach hit that sweet spot, deciduously ready and he dropped to the ground, rolled about sixteen feet into the River Styx as “Come Sail Away” was playing in the background. Then a little Persian boy, picked him up and said, “Ah, Ma, peche. This is better than Momofuku.” Before he could bite into him, he held him up to the Fruity God, who likes to wear tight rainbow spandex, but no one talks about that, and the Fruity God said, “That’s not a peach; that’s a pitcher, let’s put him through the minor leagues.” And so it was done. That’s a tale that Jason Collette tells his nephew when he can’t get him to go to sleep. Cobb hasn’t reached his K-rates of the minors and with his barely 90’s MPH fastball it may not happen.” And that’s me quoting me! That was said last August after a terrific start vs. the A’s. It still applies perfectly. Cobb’s stuff isn’t amazing, but stuff-schmuff, he’s pitching great. Sky also agreed in the preseason when he went over his Alex Cobb fantasy. I definitely wish I owned him.
Brett Anderson – 4 IP, 6 ER. He’s either hiding an injury or the A’s will hide an un-injury and put him on the Disgraceful List. There’s a certain je ne sais quoi to the un-injury. It’s prettier than an actual injury and it’s grown right out of thin air. The un-injury… *crazy Trinidadian man laugh*
Josh Donaldson – 2-for-4, run, RBI and his 1st steal. You think his dad is Josh Donaldfather? Prolly not. Donaldson’s hitting over .300 in the last week. It’s not much, but it’s something, as I tell the ladies.
Robbie Erlin – Was called up by the Padres for their bullpen. He’s worked only as a starter in the minor leagues, and should eventually do the same in the majors. This year his stats were weak sauce but prior years he was bauce. I’d chuck a dollar on him in NL-Only leagues to see if he makes the rotation in the landmark case of Sooner vs. Later. Also, I have a new Topps novelty card for you. Erlin and Everth Cabrera in shell toe Adidas and dookie phat gold chains. Titled, “Robbie and Stealin’.”
Carlos Quentin – 2-for-4 as he homered off Marco Estrada. *shakes fist at the heavens* Quentin!
Marco Estrada – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. Well, it was in Petco, but at least he looked better than Gallardo. Am I trying to convince myself? Yes, I am. Is it working? Yes, it is.
Mark Teixeira – Won’t be ready for May 1st. Probably looking closer to the 2nd or 3rd week of May, depending on setbacks. He said his wrist is just too stiff. Too bad the Yankees can’t make a amalgamation of Tex’s hips and A-Rod’s limp wrists. That sounds like a diss from a fan of Shakira. I never thought I’d miss Xtina in any instance ever in my life, but The Voice with Shakira is lacking. Is it me or is Shakira coaching singers but she can’t sing herself? Rather than Usher put his foot on his chair, he should put in her mouth. Oh, man, that just sounded like a pissy comment on Perez Hilton.
Curtis Granderson – On pace to return the first week of May. That news comes Curtisy of the Yankees.
Andy Pettitte – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks vs. the Rays, ERA is at 2.22. Roger Clemens’s beefcake wife just punched Roger saying, “I told you if you just admitted it like Andy, you’d be able to keep pitching.”
Francisco Liriano – Set to make his debut with the Pirates on May 10th as he returns from a broken humerus bone, which isn’t the medical name for the funny bone. F-Lir has a 5+ ERA in four of the last 7 seasons with his last usable season coming in 2010. That gives him an outside chance of being the Pirates best starter.
Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer this week. Pe-Al is the chemical compound for Mercurio.
Starling Marte – 2-for-4 with a run, RBI and 2 steals. Why does it feel like every guy I liked in the preseason is doing well? I’m foxy!
Yu Darvish – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks. I wish I had Yu. Not you. Don’t get excited.
Josh Stinson – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks. He’s not much of an option for fantasy leagues, but Stinson does have a huge collection of cowboy hats.
J.P. Arencibia – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs with his American League-best 8th homer. Next year my catcher rankings are gonna be: 1. Buster Posey, 2. Whatever 3. There’s no 3. 4. Etc. 5. You get the idea yet? 6. Try #2. 7. See previous entries. 8. Um…. 9. There’s no 9. 10. John Buck. Then we can debate flip-flopping Um…. with Etc.
Jose Bautista – 1-for-5 with his 5th homer. Member those concerns I had for a few years about Bautista not really being a .280+ hitter? Since July of 2011, he’s hitting .244 in 558 at-bats. Look at me doing actual math! Call me Mathy McMathstein.
Edwin Encarnacion – 1-for-4 with his 4th homer. What if I said I think Encarnacion will have a better season than Bautista? Would that be crazy? Should I wear a paper bag over my head and call myself the Unknown Fantasy Baseball ‘Pert?
Emilio Bonifacio – 0-for-5, hitting .169. At some point Emily Boneface will get hot, but right now he’s hot garbage in the middle of a carved out durian fruit.
Brandon Morrow – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. His start was better than his final line. He should’ve never came out for the 7th inning and then Loup gave up one of his inherited runners. I still don’t think Morrow has totally righted his ship (yacht? He makes a lot of money, so probably.), I’d be careful for his next start.
Manny Machado – 2-for-5 and an RBI triple. The ball he hit for a triple landed right on where I drew a heart on iPad. I wonder if he did that for me. You think he might’ve? Swoon.
Nate McLouth – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 1 RBI. From the files of Season Is Still Really Young, Yo: McLousy has a .423 OBP.
Jaime Garcia – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. Strasburg and the Nats. Jesse Jackson started Garcia in his fantasy league, saying Washington is a total Jaime town.
Edward Mujica – Mooheekalakalaka!
Stephen Strasburg – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. His loyal fans that call themselves, the House of Strasburg, who dress up in early-1900s, Austrian officer uniforms, look forward to him getting his ERA under 3. They wait patiently with an Austrian wine they can’t pronounce.
Roy Halladay – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks. He deserved a better outcome than a no decision, but he’s making twenty million dollars this year so I ain’t crying for him.
Chase Utley – 2-for-5 with his 4th homer. Four ladies and gentlemen, do I smell a Zombino?
Jose Quintana – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks and the win. Not a bad start, I suppose. I’m moving on from him since he gets the Rangers next in Arlington. Chuck Newtown gets the MIA Marlins next. Come with me, and you’ll see a world of pure imagination.
Jason Kipnis – 1-for-4, 2 steals, hitting .170. His third steal in the last two games. Didn’t love Kipnis coming into the year, but there might be an opportunity to buy low here. Since Kipnis also sounds like a type of Jewish deli nosh, a bargain on Kipnis is exactly what bubbeleh ordered for her mishpocheh.
Jon Lester – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 5 Ks as he tied his owners to the WHIPping post, but got the win to move his record to 4-0. After three terrific starts to begin the season, let’s form a prayer rectangle that this start was just a blip.
Alfredo Aceves – Optioned to Triple-A. Red Sox manager, John Farrell, said Aceves seemed to lack focus. One reporter thought he said Scott Farkus and was fired.
Shane Victorino – Left yesterday’s game after tweaking his back. I’d hesitate calling him The Tweakin’ Hawaiian because that nickname is already taken by a guy that Dog the Bounty Hunter captured.
Craig Kimbrel – 1 IP, 2 ER with his first blown save since August of…I’m not even sure what year. Whoa, Kimbrel with a Marmol? The world is upside down. Do I put my pants on one arm at a time? Do I sit on my head? Am I talking out my ass? I don’t know anymore!
Juan Francisco – 2-for-4, a run and RBI. I understand Chris Johnson is in a platoon (and hitting .397!), but in a 12-inning game Johnson can’t even get an at-bat? For serious?
Michael Cuddyer – 1-for-5 with his 5th homer as he hits .333. I’m only disappointed I didn’t grab Cuddyer in more leagues. He was coming at a silly discount like people didn’t understand what he could do healthy in Coors. I blame myself and you for not setting me straight. I blame you more. Sorry.
Josh Rutledge – Hit his 3rd homer. No idea where I heard his name before. Oh, I know! I have his name tattooed inside my eyelids. Every time I blink, you’re on my mind. Yes, those sound like Justin Bieber lyrics. So?
Aramis Ramirez – Could return by the next home stand that ends on May 8th. He says he can’t wait to get back and that he’s sick of everyone walking around him sniffing coffee beans.
John Axford – Could get the closer job soon. Ron Roenicke said, “I think Henderson is doing a nice job. But, Ax, the way he threw (Tuesday), he could win every ball game he went in if he throws that way. I was really impressed with him.” He then added he wasn’t being sarcastic. I’d continue to hold Henderson, but at the slightest hiccup, the Brewers could turn back to Axford. They really want Axford to be the closer, so I’d definitely grab him if someone dropped him in your league.
Lorenzo Cain – 0-for-3, but whatever. The Royals put up a chyron that Cain was an “Unsung Hero” with the stat, “.455 BABIP — 4th in the majors.” This cracked me up. It’s like the TV producers had a meeting, “Okay, the kids want these newfangled stats like BABIP and LMFAO, let’s give it to them!” Next they’re gonna be touting Greg Holland’s 9.00 BB/9.
Jose Valverde – 1 IP, 0 ER with the save. Not only did he get the save, but he looked good, hitting 95 MPH. Don’t walk or run but click to your waivers and grab him.
Didi Gregorius – 2-for-5, 1 run with 2 doubles. When he’s swinging the bat, he looks like a left-handed Justin Upton. Obviously, he’s doesn’t have that kind of power, but the long swing is reminiscent of him. Oh, and, yeah, you should pick up The Gregorius D.I.D.
David Hernandez – With Putz unavailable, the Diamondbacks went to Hernandez for the save. And he blew it. Yay. Well, that’s one way to make Putz feel more secure. Another way would be to wear really tight underwear. Kirk Gibson said Putz is still his closer. I believe him, but that doesn’t mean Putz will remain in that position (without the tight gotchies).
Brandon Crawford – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. He was in last week’s Buy/Sell. There, I said, “$5 says he was named after his mom’s favorite 90210 character. Five more dollars says his brother, ALF, was named by his Dad.” That’s was illuminating. If you’re struggling at MI, I pardon you like Oskar Schindler and allow you to own Crawford.
Ted Lilly – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks as he was activated from the DL. Fun Fact Alert! The DL was originally started by Kenesaw Mountain Landis, the first commissioner of baseball. He used to go around and say “One day I’m gonna marry my Shetland pony,” then he’d have to tell people “Don’t laugh” which was shortened to DL. As for Lilly, meh. He’ll have some value in match-ups, but there’s probably about 40 guys I’d look at before him in most mixed leagues. I’d wait for the Stream-o-Nator to like him. SON, “Yeah, you will.”
Matt Kemp – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his first home run. He’s taking this whole “Prove Grey wrong for saying to sell me” really serious. Good to see that pumped him up more than losing a girl to a guy that hit her.
Matt Harvey – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. Yeah, good try, this was Ken Harvey. No way was this Matt.
Juan Lagares – 0-for-2 then gave way to Count Jordany Valdespin, who hit a grand slam. The Mets outfield actually wouldn’t be so bad if they were to just choose one guy and give him ABs. They’re like fantasy baseballers with their catcher. The Mets need to hire Coach Ron Popeil to learn to “Set It and Forget It.” Lagares is a source of speed — SAGNOF! — not much else. He had a solid average in the minors but– Oh, who are we kidding? The Mets aren’t going to play anyone every day in the outfield, except for Marlon F**kin’ Byrd.
Jeff Samardzija – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks. He cut his finger early in the game trying to grab a bouncer. Teach him, bouncers are there for your own protection. Maybe next time you go to a club where you’re not on the guest list… *checking notes* Oh, that kind of bouncer! Um, yeah, he should be fine, since he was still popping the mitt with 98 MPH stuff after the bouncer incident.
Todd Frazier – 1-for-2 with his 6th homer. All this love I’m doling for Machado Machado Man, Rutledge and Goldschmidt and I haven’t said much about my other preseason crush, Frazier. Yesterday, he hit the 7th longest homer in Great American Ballpark history and the longest in the majors this year. It went 480 feet. Which is twenty feet shorter than I’m required by law to stay away from Giancarlo.
Mat Latos – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. Ready for some more math? Of course you’re not. Too bad! In his last 214 innings, he has a 2.90 ERA (that’s removing last year’s April). That’s pretty good, over-the-internet friend.
Michael Roth – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER as he started for the Angels. The Angels spent $580 million on their offense and they have Portnoy’s Complaint’s author starting for them. Nice.
Brandon Laird – 3-for-4, 4 RBI and his 2nd homer. Guess where he hit in the order? Ha! You don’t even know what team he plays for, do you? Okay, he plays for the Astros. So, guess where he hit in the lineup? Yup, third. Astros might be the only team in history with a revolving door in the heart of their order. They’re like a banana republic that changes heads of state every 7 days. “Hey, let’s overthrow the country for my uncle, he’s gonna make it legal to kill dictators then we can get rid of him too.” That’s you convincing your guerrilla forces. Laird isn’t anything special (as if being on the Astros didn’t make that abundantly clear). The Astros said they’d love to trade for Gerald Laird, but they just don’t have a uniform for him.
Chris Carter – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th homer as the Astros exploded for ten runs. Whoopee. Going to see the Astros vs. the Mariners is like sitting next to Ted Striker when he’s reminiscing.
Dustin Ackley – 3-for-4, 1 run. I know, he’s about as exciting as walking in on your grandmother putting on her hosiery, but he’s now 7 for his last 12. Schmotato, you hot?
Justin Smoak – Hit his first home run of the year. Todd McFarlane bought the homer ball for forty-five cents.
