Corey Hart with 3 homers, 7 RBIs and a pair of sunglasses. Never surrender, Corey Hart! In short, you should grab him if he’s on waivers (80% owned in Yahoo). In shorter, grab him. In shortest, grab. He’s streaky like Bret Boone’s hair in the 90’s and this is obviously the start of a good one. If he’s not on waivers and someone else owns him, you bid him adieu, assuming you’re French. (I know how much the French are into fantasy baseball.) Just as I felt in the beginning of the year, I don’t think Hart comes anywhere near his 2010 stats. Très bummer! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Stephen Strasburg – Threw off the mound for the first time. His fan club, the House of Strasburg, has time to launder their early-1900s, Austrian officer uniforms as their ordainment of St. Rasburg will probably have to wait until next year.
Drew Storen – 2/3 IP, 3 ER. Kazaam!
Howie Kendrick – Sat out for his 4th straight day with moans over his hammy. Sounds like he’s headed to the DL. Will update you as soon as I read about it somewhere else.
Mitchell Boggs – Sent to the minors. La Russa said, “I just cut 15% of Razzball’s Cardinal bullpen questions. You’re welcome, Grey. Now adopt a kitten.”
Nelson Cruz – 1-for-4 with a homer yesterday. He’s baaaaack! Which, for him, is better than “Oh, no, his baaaaack!”
Josh Hamilton – 2-for-4 with his first homer of the season in his return from the DL. Not to be the bee in your bonnet (say that fast 117 times!), but the Yin and Yang nature of the Rangers injuries means Kinsler will probably be hurt within a week now.
Alexi Ogando – 9 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. Murray Chass called and said, “How’s that for a regression to his xFIP?”
Joe Blanton – Will get a second opinion on his elbow. Come on, there’s gotta be one Phillie fan out there that is crazy enough to go Dr. Rosenrosen on Blanton and pretend to be his doctor to shut him down for the year. Here’s your lines, “You’ve got a serious case of tennis elbow.” “But I don’t play tennis.” “I don’t blame you with that elbow.”
Chase Utley – 0-for-5 in his return as the Phils scored 10 runs. Ticker tease! Or is that ticker season?
Edinson Volquez – Sent to the minors. My ERA and WHIP sends its regards in the form of an extended middle finger.
Sam LeCure – Supposedly, he’ll take Volquez’s rotation spot when it comes up again on Friday. LeCure was walking around the clubhouse singing, “I don’t care if Monday’s blue, Tuesday’s gray and Wednesday too…”
Bronson Arroyo – 2 2/3 IP, 9 ER. Almost as bad as his guitar playing.
Jay Bruce – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs, hitting .282 with 12 homers. We haven’t had a “Grey is a prescient S.O.B.” in a few, so here ya go. Two weeks into the season, people wanted to drop Bruce because of his season-starting slump. Then a giant Gallagher hammer knocked me over the melon and I wrote the Bruce Buy post. (Oh, and Pedro Alvarez was a sell there, when he still had some modicum of value.)
Adam LaRoche – To the DL with a torn LaBrum. Take that, capitalization Gods! “YOU WILL FEEL OUR WRATH.” Uh-oh.
Tsuyoshi Nishioka – Will begin rehab this week. Oh, joy, I get to spell his name regularly again. If you’re hurting at MI (and, really, who isn’t?), I’d stash Nishioka now. He should return in about a week and a half.
Jim Thome – Hit two homers in the same game that Jack Cust hit a home run. With these guys going deep in the same game, it seems like this game should’ve been shown in black and white.
Matt Capps – 1 2/3 IP, 1 ER. The only thing worse than Capps recently has been Nathan. On a real baseball note, the Twins have been dreadful. Feels like the first time in a while they’re out of it this early. Oh, and the Indians have the best record in baseball. Zoinks!
Will Venable – Sent down by the Padres for underperformance. That’s hard to do with their offense. That’s like flunking out of the University of Phoenix. San Diego should move their AAA team to Tijuana. Then when you say, “He got sent down from San Diego,” it’s actually the truth.
Bartolo Colon – 6 IP, 6 ER. Sadly, I’m sure he took out a lot of innocent bystanders when he crashed back to earth.
Carlos Villanueva – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks. I used to like Villanueva when he was on the Brewers. Decent K-rate, but he’s getting crazy lucky right now on the Blue Jays. Wouldn’t touch him outside of deep AL-Only leagues. BTW, his last name goes well with the tune, La Isla Bonita. Maybe Lady Gaga will write a song about him.
Jose Bautista – 1-for-3 with his 19th home run. In other news, I don’t know if water is wet or dry because Bautista has changed everything I know about the world.
Kenley Jansen – 2/3 IP, 3 ER and the blown save. Jansen was called on to close the game last night, and that’s where the good news ends. I’d continue to hold Guerrier for now if you’re desperate for saves. Yes, I’m praying I don’t have the audacity to pick up Mike MacDougal. (BTW, Audacity is on the map just above capacity.)
Asdrubal Cabrera – 3-for-4 with his 10th home run and 7th steal. You know there’s gonna be a baby boy this summer in Cleveland named Asdrubal. Then they can hang out with their five-year-old brother, Pronk.
Justin Masterson – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. the Red Sox. Sonavabench! If you had the nads (which isn’t related to Denard) to start him, you earned his stats.
Clay Buchholz – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Earth to Grey, he’s not sucking like you said he would. I know, Earth.
Dustin Pedroia – Fell hard going around 2nd base, but reports are saying he should be fine. If heart and grit were legs and arms, Pedroia would be an octopus and never would’ve fell.
Phil Coke – Left yesterday’s start with an ankle injury, and Furbush replaced him. First there was Coke, then there was Furbush. All that was missing was an Asian guy throwing firecrackers and you’d have Boogie Nights.
