Clever girl.
The McC went 1-for-2 last night with a run. Not really numbers deserving of the lede, but since I only get to do this once a week, I do what I want. And plus, I had already done my photoshop before the game ended. So there’s that. Truth be told, I really have nothing else to say about Andrew McCutchen. It is a very fine season. You know that. I know that. Sky… may not know that. He’s busy helping out all you folks that don’t have a Fantasy Baseball team in the running over at RazzFoot. That’s what I’m calling our Fantasy Football site. Because 20 years ago, I loved the Ninja Turtles. You know, the Foot Clan? RazzFoot? NINJA VANISH! Eh. Whatever. The McCutch is having a great year. He’s having a great Fantasy Baseball year. To hate him is to hate kittens. To love him is to not spell it McCutcheon. Start spreading the word. Here’s what else I noticed yesterday:
Cody Asche — 2-for-3, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 4th home run. This is what I don’t get. Smokey has an avatar of Ashy Larry. And ash and smoke derive from fire. It’s a close enough connection here, I mean, why not just name yourself Ashy? I mean, it’s not like your real name is Smokey. Or, if you want to stay Smokey, because, you know, 420-4-Life or whatever, then why not pick an avatar more in line with what you do? Like Woody Harrelson? Or Smokey the Bear? You know, only you can prevent forest fires? Smokey the Bandit? YOU MAKE NO SENSE SMOKEY. Just pass it over here bro.
Scott Baker — So, for the three Baker owners out there, I have an update for you. After posting a 5.46 ERA in over 29 rehab innings, he’ll be brought up next week as a starter. His velocity is down and he only had 16 strikeouts in those innings. In any kind of rehab, they call that a relapse. The Cubs don’t mind seeing what he can do, but you, you should mind. No touchy.
Carlos Beltran — 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs. Has really shown his age of late. Except for last night. Where he didn’t? I’m Ron Burgundy?
Rex Brothers — 0.1, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 0 Ks. Was tagged with the blown save. They say there’s nothing like a brother’s love. Too much love here, if you ask me.
Clay Buchholz — Buchholz will rejoin the Red Sox’ rotation on Tuesday. That means Ryan Dempster will most likely to get the boot. What say you, JB Gilpin?
My reaction when JB Gilpin named Ryan Dempster his sleeper pick of 2013.
RIP sweet-sweet show of mine. Whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop.
A.J. Burnett — 3.0 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. These things happen. It could be worse. James Shields says hello.
Lo Chia-Jen — 1.0 IP, 0 ER, 0 baserunners, 1 K. So, in a save situation, you give up runs ’til the sun rises. But in a non-save situation, you’re in lock-down mode. Hey. Chia Pet. You’re doing it wrong, bro.
Chris Colabello — 2-for-4, 1 run, 3 RBIs and his 7th home run. Who? Let me help you out, via my Deep Impact series. “I don’t think his Minor League K% will translate well to the Major Leagues, but the power is legit. As a ceiling, I could see something along the lines of Casper Wells when he was somewhat relevant, so while this story might end up a better baseball one than fantasy, he might still be worth a look if you need a bat.” That being said, I’d still rather have Ruggiano. Goes better with dry reds.
Patrick Corbin — 8.0 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. Would have been a win in most other situations, but it’s nice to see somewhat of a rebound after giving up 28,458 runs in his last 19 innings.
Chris Davis — 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, 1 SB, and his 48th home run. Khris Davis did not play yesterday, furthering the conspiracy.
R.A. Dickey — 6.1 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Well, it’s been a long road traveled, and a road, I might add, where he ran me over and over and over again. I wrote a 80,000 word love letter! WHY? Was it my haiku? LOVE ME! Anyhizzle, cause that’s what the kids say, I guess… I think the real Dickey is slowly coming back, and the second half trends agree. Will another 2012 happen? Probably not, but he’ll certainly be a sleeper come next season.
Andy Dirks — 5-for-5, 4 runs, 1 RBI. What the…? My world is officially upside down.
Josh Donaldson — 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs, and his 21st home run. He’s certainly slowed down a bit in the second half, but what a season. I got flack for putting him so high on my 100-keeper list, but these are top tier numbers at 3B. And I think they are sustainable.
Jacoby Ellsbury — Was missing-in-action Friday due to a foot injury. So his thumb is fine, but now we have to deal with this. And it might even take a few games. Braddock would not be pleased.
Scott Feldman — 9.0 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks. Most definitely not related to Cory. Happily, I’m sure.
Jose Fernandez — 7.0 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks. While most would lean Puig here, I’m going to state that Fernandez is my ROY. Simply outstanding season.
Ernesto Frieri — I still like Dane De La Rosa. Frieri’s saves are dirty. Christina Aguilera dirrty. With two ‘R’s’.
Scooter Gennett — 1-for-1, 1 run, 3 RBIs, and his 6th home run. At this point, ef Scooters. I’m gonna name him Automobile Gennett.
Kevin Gregg — 1.0 IP, 0 ER, 0 baserunners, 0 Ks, and his 30th save. Cleaned up after Pedro Strop decided that being irrelevant was more his style. I’ve floated this name before, so I’ll do it again, just for those of you still paying attention. Blake Parker intrigues me.
Billy Hamilton — 0-for-0, and his 3rd SB. Well, look at this way. If he keeps getting used as a pinch stealer, he can’t really hurt your batting average. Quick, someone tell Juan Pierre.
Jason Hammel — The Orioles plan to use Jason Hammel as a reliever for the time being. “You probably won’t see him physically available until Saturday. In an emergency, maybe Friday,” manager Buck Showalter said. I have no idea what this means in this context. What is not-physically available to you? He drank invisible juice? OR is he just available on Friday? Like for date night? Totally lost.
Dan Haren — 3.0 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. Lives and dies via the home run. There’s been more dying. Like, Game of Thrones amount of dying.
Phil Hughes — 0.1 IP, 4 ER, 4 baserunners, 0 Ks. Moral of the story? Do not move someone to the pen unless they are mentally prepared for their replacement to be David Huff.
Omar Infante — 5-for-5, 2 runs, 6 RBIs. That’s cray-cray if I ever saw-saw.
Austin Jackson — 3-for-6, 1 run, 4 RBIs. You did this with Ramon Santiago hitting front of you? Inconceivable!
Scott Kazmir — 6.0 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks. His, alter-ego, BBazmir, took a vacation and did not appear in last night’s start. If you were wondering, the first ‘B’ is silent.
Junior Lake — 2-for-4, 1 run, 4 RBIs, and his 5th home run. Can you really be a Junior from a Lake? Doesn’t that just make you a river?
Cliff Lee — 8.0 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 10 Ks. I have nothing to add.
Kyle Lohse — 5.0 IP, 7 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks. Underwhelming pitcher is underwhelming.
Mike Napoli — 3-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs, and his 19th home run. For the good of the Angels, Mike Scioscia should be forced, ala A Clockwork Orange, to watch every single home run Napoli has hit for the Rangers and Red Sox. You’d think watching a Jeff Mathis at-bat would have desensitized him to pain and suffering. But Grey doesn’t call him ‘The Sociopath’ for nothing.
Mike Pelfrey — 6.0 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. Honestly, do we care?
Hunter Pence — 3-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs, and his 19th home run. Good things happen in threes I guess. Doesn’t quite explain the 19, but if that would have been his 3rd home run, then I think good things would then not happen in threes.
Yusmeiro Petit — 9.0 IP, 0 ER, 1 baserunner, 7 Ks. Was one strike away from the perfect game. I guess what we have here is a Petfect game. Or a Pertit game, if you like that sort of thing. I think I might after a few drinks.
Buster Posey — Posey has a small fracture in his ring finger. He’ll try to play through the pain, but expect him being out of your lineup for a few days. More importantly, I’d like to have Parker Posey (SFW) in my lineup, if you know what I mean. Of all the baseball/sexual innuendo to choose from, I go with that one… ugh.
Yasiel Puig — 1-for-4, 1 run. — This little Puig was in the lineup after going through some nicks-and-bruises.
James Shields — 3.2 IP, 10 ER, 16 baserunners, 6 Ks. WAT.
I present to you:
Every James Shields owner checking how their team did last night…
Alfonso Soriano — 1-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs, and his 30th home run. Coincidence that he’s hit a home run every Friday since I started covering the weekend shift? Well, yeah, of course. What, you think I have some kind of super power that allows him to hit a home run every Friday, but only on the days that I write Daily Notes? What kind of stupid power is that? I want to fly. Or throw trains.
Giancarlo Stanton — 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, and his 19th home run. Great. I’m sure glad I spent that first round pick on you. Sarcasm alert: Red. RED LIKE THE BLOOD OF A DRAGON SLAYERS VENGEANCE YOU DISAPPOINTING HEATHEN! Something like that.
Pedro Strop — 1.0 IP, 3 ER, 3 baserunners, 2 Ks. I give you: The quick and easy way to immediately cede all closer duties. Nailed it bro.
Mike Trout — 3-for-4, 0 runs, 1 RBI. Unless the Angels can magically pull out 56 wins in the next 20-or-so games, Trout will once again be snubbed for MVP choice. You could argue Miguel Cabrera, but I would disagree. Shall we begin?
B.J. Upton and Justin Upton — 0-for-8. NEVER AGAIN.
Zack Wheeler — 5.0 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks. This is what a young pitcher is. Ups-and-downs. Old pitchers do this too. Whatever, just go with it.
Matt Wieters — 1-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, and his 21st home run. He may be better than sliced bread, but that’s only because we are referring to the pre-toast era. The world has changed.
Will Venable — 1-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI, and his 21st home run. The lesson to be learned here is that I’m right all of the time. Except when I’m not.
Jonathan Villar — 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, and his 13th SB. Obviously, he wants to be more than a SAGNOF. It could happen, but I don’t think the hit tool is that advanced. So take the speed, enjoy the extra stuff. That’s what she said. Err.
Joey Votto — 2-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, and his 23rd home run. Living proof of why you should play in OBP leagues.
Delmon Young — 2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 9th home run. Hey, you remember this? He was 3-for-7 in two games before this start, and, basically all you want at this point in the season is a little bit of hotness. Which is why your spending part of your Saturday with me. Look, I know Young is hard to buy into, it was hard for me to turn Young into a post-lede, not so much into a sting ray. That part was actually fun. Any ways, I’m just saying, keep an open mind.
Jaywrong is a 30-year old Korish writer who finds solace using Makers Mark as a vehicle to impress women, and also has an affinity for making Jennifer Lawrence GIFs. You can follow him @jaywrong, read his blog Desultory Thoughts of a Longfellow, or, you can find his GIFs at his tumblr, named Siuijeonseo.
