There’s rumblings that Aroldis Chapman will be in the rotation. This isn’t the first time we’ve heard this. In fact, I think every year since Aroldis costumed himself as a giant cigar and smuggled himself in a humidor out of Cuba, there’s been rumblings that he will be in the rotation. Just yesterday, I ran into a man who had been in a coma since 2010 and he asked how Aroldis has been doing in the rotation. From my mouth to Giancarlo’s ears, it happened. Only thing different now is the Reds have to realize they’re a bunch of Mr. Bungles if they leave Chapman as the closer, and they have Broxton to take over the role. Broxton is not the closer Aroldis is/was/would be, but he is/was/will be good enough. Throw Nicholas from The Voice in the closer role and he’ll do the job, with his dulcet tones. As our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater will tell you, Chapman was the ninth best pitcher in all of baseball last year. That’s not just out of relievers. He’s dominant. I don’t need to tell you that. In theory, closers lose a tad when they enter the rotation. Hitters see them more, they need to throw more than one or two types of pitches, more innings — how will they adjust? and– Let’s see Dempster, Chris Sale, Neftali Feliz, C.J. Wilson… Did these pitchers get better or worse in the rotation? I don’t know, young prematurely balding man. I think it’s right in theory, but in theory I know some guys that should be virgins and they’re bouncing a little kid on their lap telling the kid to not spill their beer. Just because a closer becomes a starter it doesn’t mean a step back. My mind will blow if I try to think what Chapman would be in the rotation without a regression. Even with a slight regression, he’s a top 15 starter, easily. Yeah, I’m drooling. The only thing stopping him is injury to him or Broxton. Or to Toni Braxton, as my Autocorrect tried to write. For 2013, I’m gonna give Aroldis the line of 12-4/2.90/1.10/170 in 155 innings. That’s a thing of beauty. Anyway, here’s some more offseason news for 2013 fantasy baseball:
B.J. Upton – To the Braves. Now when B.J. is coming up to the plate, fans can do The Tomahawk Chop by turning their hand towards their lap rather than towards the field. Don’t act that out at work, you will get fired. B.J.! The Sideways Tomahawk Chop… B.J.! The Sideways Tomahawk Chop… I don’t see anything different from Upton in Atlanta. He is the kind of player that would be the same in just about every lineup/ballpark. His Home/Away splits over the last three years are .239 vs. .245 average, 33 homers vs. 36 homers and .750 vs. .755 OPS. You’d be hard pressed to find a player that similar depending on his environs, you’d also have to be pretty bored to try and find said player. BTW, if you write environs, you’re smart. If you say environs out loud, you’re a giant tool. Don’t shoot the messenger. For 2013, I’ll give Upton the line of 90/25/72/.255/39. I like him a lot.
Ryan Madson – Headed to the Angels to be the closer. Ernesto Frieri will move into the set-up role, i.e., Frieri will say, “I was flying all night,” and Madson will say, “Boy, your arms must be tired.” After 22 blown saves by the Angels bullpen last year, there’s a chance the Angels just have another year with a bullpen chock full of Cuddle Boys. Madson says he will be 100% for the start of the season, but, with Tommy John surgery last March, I wouldn’t be surprised if he misses the first month. He will come cheap in drafts and could have a chance for a nice Donkeycorn season. In 2011, Madson had 60 2/3 IP with 32 saves and a 2.37 ERA. Shabby it was not, said Yoda.
Wilton Lopez – Traded to the Phils. This gives a wide open opportunity to the Astros reliever, Sam Demel, to show his stuff. You know Sam Demel; he used to slide Alice free meat under the counter. *checking notes* Yup, that’s Sam Demel. The Astros could also use Lowrie or Altuve to close games because, as the Astros said, “Rules state a closer must protect a lead, let’s work on getting a lead first. Now come join us for Biggio bobblehead night!” The Astros will probably go outside their system to find a one-year replacement. Maybe bring back Brandon Lyons. He seemed to understand the Astros’ culture of losing games.
Andy Pettitte – Will return to the Yankees because Pettitte’s kids refuse to let him play the Wii and he needs something to do. This couldn’t excite me less. He came back for 75 1/3 IP glorious innings last year with a 8+ K-rate and a 2.87 ERA, but he’s more of a 6-ish K-rate guy with a near-4 ERA. Last year, he left more men on base than a Catholic schoolgirl. They start much too late, from what I hear.
Chone Figgins – The Mariners decided to pay Figgy $8 million to not be on their team. #figgyworldproblems
Carlos Ruiz – Suspended for the first twenty-five games of 2013 due to testing positive for ADD medicine, Adderall. Ruiz said, “I’m truly sorry for what I’ve done–Hey, what’s that? A number two pencil? I used to use those for standardized tests in Panama. Like I was saying, this suspension is a disgrace to me, my family and– Are those shoes comfortable? I get bunions. One time, I got this bunion and I drew a face on it and called it, “Billy.” Billy stayed with me for three years. He’d keep me up at night, talking my ear off. So annoying. Like Gleek, the Wonder Twins monkey sidekick. What were we talking about again?” Hmm, maybe Ruiz needed that Adderall, after all.
