In what can only be described as the biggest trade ever made for some Hoes, Bud Norris was traded to the O’s for L.J. Hoes. Hoes ain’t shizz against pitches and tricks! An almost title, “Hoes Go South, Norris Makes O’s Face.” But too gangster for you. You can’t handle such gangster frivolities! You play your tennis at the country club and call your girl and tell her, “Guess what, baby? Houston got some Hoes!” See where that get you. Get you a month straight in the man cave watching pay-per-view Hoes. That’s where it get you. So, Norris goes to Baltimore, and takes his 3.93 ERA with him, replacing the newly-DL’d Jason Hammel. He’s a trifling Bud that can’t get out lefties all that well. I wouldn’t put him at more than match-up capable against weaker righty heavy teams. So, does his fantasy value go up with this trade? Hoes please! Another barely fantasy-relevant starter to move at the trading deadline was Ian Kennedy. Reminds me of the idiom, there’s a place for everything and everything in its place. This also applies for any starter who is struggling. There’s only one place for them. Petco! It’s no surprise that his career numbers are superb in Petco — 2.27 ERA, 0.88 WHIP, 48 Ks in 35 2/3 IP. His major problem everywhere is the home run ball and this is negated in a park that is 1025 feet to dead center and has tumbleweeds blowing past a statute of Nate Colbert in left. Also, it certainly — or sointly if you’re reading in a Stooge voice — does not hurt — or hoit — that he was facing the Padres. He could easily be a low-3 ERA pitcher at home. I still wouldn’t start him in road match-ups, but I’d own him in all fantasy leagues for home games. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Curtis Granderson – Hopes to return on Friday. This is your Curtis-y reminder.
Yovani Gallardo – Placed on the DL. Could’ve had a great season if that would’ve happened four months ago.
Justin Maxwell – Traded to the Royals. Watch out, Sly Stallone, the Royals got the piece that will put them over the top! The only interesting bit of news related to this is the Astros can promote George Springer now. Who’s George Springer, you ask. You could answer that by simply searching the site for all of Prospect Scott’s news on him. Springer’s about to go 30/30 in the minor leagues this year spread out between Double and Triple-A. He’s at 29 homers and 35 steals through 104 games with a .349 average. It’s not all wine and roses for him. He’s going to be 24 in September and he might strikeout a third of the time in the majors, causing him to struggle to hit .250. Also, I doubt the Astros promote him this year. He should have a chance to break camp with the club next year and I’ll be like white guys on Uncle Ben’s Instant Rice if he does get the call this year.
David Lough – 3-for-4, 1 run. Hitting .300 with 4 homers and 2 steals, which is terrific, awesome, adjective, but I’m having a hard time getting excited about him. Maybe if he shows some of that crazy speed he has, it might get my percolator perking.
Matt Moore – To the DL with elbow soreness. Sad Emoticon pushing chair under a lamp while tying rope into a noose. Old Woman Emoticon entering the room and startling Sad Emoticon. Sad Emoticon and Old Woman Emoticon start an unlikely friendship as they learn to cope without Moore for hopefully the minimal 15 days.
Gio Gonzalez – 3 1/3 IP, 10 ER. In a Animal Planet-type voiceover, “Nat Gio is usually the hunter, yesterday he was the prey. Nat Gio is generally a hyena picking apart other teams, then he faced the Tigers.” The good news that can be taken from this start is now I’ll be able to say all during next preseason that Gio had a sub-3 ERA if you throw out this start.
Bryce Harper – 2-for-4, but left yesterday’s game with hip spasms. Should’ve known something was up when Dodger Stadium Wall traded away Harper right before the collision. Dodger Stadium Wall, “I traded Puig too. Natch, snitches!”
Justin Verlander – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 (5 BBs), 6 Ks. Compared to the kerfuffle that was Gio, Verlander looked like a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel with a big swinging d*ck, but five walks is ugly, and this wasn’t against a particularly patient team. I watched a good portion of this game because it was the only one on and Verlander looked like a hot mess that was lucky to have a huge lead, i.e., I wouldn’t overrate this start.
Torii Hunter – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. The I’s have it!
Alex Avila – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games as he hits near .330 in the last week. I hate myself for doing this, but I’d pick up Avila anywhere you’re struggling at catcher.
R.A. Dickey – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. I watched Dickey really stick it to the A’s. And I liked it. What? Any the hoo! I still wouldn’t trust him.
Colby Rasmus – 3-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .277 with 17 homers on the year and no steals. Not sure where his 5-7 steal speed evaporated to, but he’s been respectable as a 5th outfielder.
Alberto Callaspo – 0-for-2 as he entered the game late. Leave it to the A’s to trade for a guy that they’re not even planning on playing every day. Beane’s meshuggah, but he’s mishpocheh.
Bartolo Colon – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K, 2.50 ERA on the year. Don’t even think about all the guys you could’ve avoided in the draft and instead just grabbed Colon late. Don’t do it, your mental health is riding on it.
Yadier Molina – Hit the DL, but his MRI showed no major damage so he should be fine Yadi, Yadi, Yadi…
Matt Holliday – 3-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and 2 steals. Would love if this schmohawk got hot in the final two months. Act like the number two outfielder you purported to be in the preseason, you purporter!
Kyle Kendrick – 2 IP, 6 ER. So, I was walking along the beach and this mermaid said I should go for a swim, it was safe because she would help me. Turned out it was a merman and it tried to drown me by shoving my head down with his prosthetic labia. His name was Kyle Kendrick. I hate you, Kyle Kendrick.
Chad Gaudin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. Ah, that stream was better than a cigarette right after you grope some girl on a gurney in the ER.
Pablo Sandoval – Left yesterday’s game with heel pain. His heel said, “Gravity’s killing me!”
Brett Pill – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and a homer and is 6 for his last 9. He’s making a case for replacing Brandon Belt on a full-time basis, because Belt’s case was heard and found guilty of sucking. Pill’s a bit old for any real upside, but he did have 18 homers in 276 Triple-A at-bats with a .344 average and no speed. I could see the Giants giving him a chance to run with the job. Best case scenario, Yonder Alonso-type numbers. Worst case scenario, he steals your girlfriend away when he drops her his last name.
Tyler Chatwood – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER. The Regression Fairies now have the right to marry in four states, and the ability to take away all that is right with your ratios.
Carlos Gonzalez – Left yesterday’s game aggravating his middle finger. Usually my middle finger releases aggravation.
Mike Minor – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.75. After the game, Medlen said, “Hey, how come no one compares me to Minor anymore? Three changeups across the plate on the outside, on the outside… Without Medlen…That song was awesome, right? Sure, I’ll bring the bag of balls out to the bullpen.”
Freddie Freeman – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs. He’s so hot, I will call him Freddie Mercury.
Justin Upton – 3-for-5, 1 run. So, the Braves get hot every three months? Watch out if you’re in the Arizona Fall League!
Ernesto Frieri – Angels might go to a closer by committee. Only glitch in that matrix is Frieri is by far the best arm in the bullpen. Yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds after what he’s done in the last few appearances. Dane De La Rosa, or MC Dana Dane De La Rosa the name he toured with earlier in his career, is the guy I grabbed for possible vulture saves, but I’m really not looking forward to seeing him get saves, because I think he can blow up and cause nightmares like waking up next to Cinderfella.
Jerome Williams – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K vs. Martin Perez (7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks) in a Rangers-Angels matchup that looked a lot better in February when you received your tickets.
Josh Hamilton – 1-for-2 with his 16th homer as he returned to Arlington. Yesterday, an Angels fan woke from a 4-month coma. Here he is, the Comatose Angels Fan, “That’s it, stick it to them, Hamilton! Damn, we must be doing good! We don’t even need to start Pujols against a heated division rival. Right? Right? Am I talking into a carrot stick instead of a mic?”
Nelson Cruz – 2-for-3 and his 25th homer. Reports are coming out that Cruz could appeal his suspension. Doesn’t make much logical sense for him to appeal since he’s headed for free agency, and his appeal would force a new club to lose him for part of next year. Maybe he just really wants to see this season through and watch as the Rangers fall just short of the playoffs. A front row seat to that can only be found on the field with his team or on Fox. And Sorkin says snark is the lowest form of wit…Puh-leez! BTW, on Sunday, I learned having a character fall over twice in a chair was above snark in the wit food chain. In related news, why do I keep watching The Newsroom?
Jenrry Mejia – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the MIA Marlins. Fun fact! Henry Hill’s original Witness Protection name was Jenrry. Mejia has a 2.08 ERA in two starts and gets the Rockies in Metco next. Not sure yet how the Stream-o-Nator feels about it, but I like it.
Henderson Alvarez – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K, 2.61 ERA. Fine for streaming in decent matchups, but outside of NL-Only leagues, I wouldn’t own him.
Jake Marisnick – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Don’t look now, but he’s four for his last nine. Gotcha! I didn’t say ‘Simon Says don’t look now.’
Miguel Gonzalez – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER (5 unearned runs), 11 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Astros. The Regression Fairies spend their offseason interior decorating. They spend their regular season ripping your heart out.
Brett Oberholtzer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks as he took Bud Norris’s spot in the rotation. Oberholtzer’s usually just a place I go to buy discount lederhosen, but look at that — a fine start. I wouldn’t trust him moving forward even if yesterday he was the schnitzel.
Chia-Jen Lo – 1 IP, 0 ER. Saw his first action yesterday, which is whatever, but it’s awesome his name in the box score is C Lo. Sometimes I sit a parrot on my shoulder and just turn my chair around. Signed: Sincerely, Missing The Voice During The Summer.
Jason Castro – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 13th homer. Meanwhile, Salvador Perez learns how to make chimichurri from his mom.
Matt Dominguez – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. That was his third homer in the last eight days and 2nd in the last four. I’ll be struck down by lightning if I excessively support picking up this guy, but he does seem hot.
Robbie Grossman – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Usually Grossman just acts as a declarative statement for what you’re thinking when you look at the Astros lineup, as in, “Gross, man,” but he is hitting over .500 in the last week.
Nick Franklin – 0-for-7. The nation thanks you, Franklin Delano Oh-for-sevenvelt.
Kyle Seager – 3-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting near-.375 this week and almost .400 in July. Nothing conjures up those hot summer nights like Seager.
Kendrys Morales – 3-for-4, 1 RBI. Also has a hot bat in July with seven homers and hitting near .300 in the month. Oh, and somehow the Mariners lost. *shrugs* Yeah, I don’t know either.
Jeremy Hellickson – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER. The Regression Fairies prefer bright colors to drab; they love bottomless mimosas and they will crush your soul.
Wade Miley – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 3.68. He’s pretty much a Kyle Kendrick clone. Luckily, yesterday he was one chromosome off.
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-3, 3 runs and his 24th homer. Au Shizz!
Eric Chavez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Hitter-Tron loved him yesterday, loves him again today and loves his women tall, dark and shiny.
Jeff Locke – 4 IP, 4 ER. The Regression Fairies are friends with Perez Hilton through a love affair that went sour; they don’t care if they have to wait two hours for brunch and they will stomp on your spirit with their Toms.
Neil Walker – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer. Looks like he’s starting to heat up, which is about as exciting as saying that spinach is healthier if you don’t boil the crap out of it.
David DeJesus – 2-for-3, 1 run, 3 RBIs, and is hitting everything in sight. So, I screwed up by dropping DeJesus earlier this week for Lake, but I fixed that snafu, picking DeJesus back up. My team is having the resurrection of DeJesus! I’d grab him now; he’s a hot schmotato.
Edwin Jackson – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. I told you for about three weeks he was due to be better than he was. Now he has a sub-2 ERA in July. Yup.
Johnny Cueto – Reds aren’t sure when he’ll resume throwing. I’m not sure if they asked him.
Homer Bailey – 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. You might remember (you don’t remember) about six weeks ago I told you where solid pitchers vs. aces were in regards to K and walk rates. Bailey has a 9+ K-rate and a 2.00 BB/9. That’s ace numbers. So, why is his ERA 3.55? Well, his xFIP is 2.98 and he’s been a tad unlucky. If January Grey weren’t running a cockfighting ring in Oaxaca, he’d concur that Bailey’s headed for the top 20 starters next year.
Brandon Phillips – 3-for-5 and his 13th homer. Watching him get to 20 homers is like watching a video of paint drying on PBS as intro’d by Laura Linney.
Yonder Alonso – 2-for-4. It’s his 2nd day in a row with two hits and he was this week’s Creeper by our fantasy football correspondent, Sky. Clunky segue, go join a fantasy football league.
Wily Peralta – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. The Regression Fairies– Okay, I’ll stop.
Clayton Kershaw – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks as he took on Hiroki Kuroda 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks in a game that saw the Dodgers bullpen blow it. Brandon League, “Stop looking at me!”
Matt Kemp – Could be out until September after it was reported he’d come back on August 6th. Flimsy Theory Alert! After losing Rihanna to Chris Brown, he’s seeing how much abuse he can lay on his fantasy owners until they take him back.
Drew Butera – Dodgers acquired him in a trade. Too bad it wasn’t who I thought they said when they announced the trade, ya know, Ken Patera.
