“Yo Jaywrong, I’m really happy for you…Imma let you finish your list. But Grey had one of the best lists of all time! One of the best lists of all time!” -Kayne West (Yes, because Kayne calls me late at night. BELIEVE IT BRO.)
Spoiler Alert! We’re doing things deep league style, keeper league style, dynasty style, which ever nomenclature you prefer. Basically, if you hold onto players for more than a year, these are the rankings you’ve been waiting your whole life for. Whole life man. Seriously. Remember, the process for this list is quite different. Unlike Grey, I didn’t type half of it with my mustache. (Mainly because I don’t have one at the moment. Dating! I know, don’t get me started.) Think of it this way. If a draft for a new deep/keeper/dynasty league started today, this is my idea of how it would go, or rather, how I think it would go if the league had anywhere from 12 to 20 owners that were me. That’s a whole lot of Jaywrong ladies. Hey baby, how you doin’, what’s yo name, what’s yo number? (times 12-20.) The actual process involves things like current and remaining production for 2013, projections for 2014-2016, along with future potential, position scarcity, and injury-risk. One things for sure. I believe in the Oxford comma. Wait, what?
Note: I’ve only ranked players who have pitched at least one inning or had one at-bat in their MLB career. Our prospect maven, Scott Evans, has the low down on all those MiLB guys I left out and will have his mid-season list out on Saturday. Go bother him. With hugs and kisses. I’m sure he’s a very handsome man. But I’ve never seen him, so, well, just trust me.
1. Mike Trout — Yes, you could flip the coin between Miggy and Trout and still end up with the best player in baseball. But for keeper leagues, I’m slightly leaning towards youth. And I guess, in this case, fish as well. Trust me, this is one Trout you won’t mind catching. Really bro? A fish pun? Talk about low-hanging fruit… 3-year Projection: 110/20/100/310/40
2. Miguel Cabrera — Yeah, sorry Miggy. Trout was heads and you were tails. Guess what I called? And, according to Trout’s blurb, you be old too. Old and rickety, which, of course, in these rankings, did not help your case. Wait, how old are you again? 29? Wait a tick, I’m 30… da fuq? 3-year AVG Projection: 100/35/120/330/0
3. Ryan Braun — I’m not sure whether to do a herpes joke or a FedEx joke. Or maybe I’ll just travel into uncharted territory and talk about the new Braun CoolTec™ line of shavers. And the wonderful Series 7™ trimmer. Just be sure to make out the check to Cash. Thanks! Oh, and if the MLB brings the hammer, just drop him a few spots depending on time served. 3-year AVG Projection: 100/35/110/300/25
4. Bryce Harper — I’m sure, one of these days, running into walls will be a thing of the past. We will, one day soon, all hold hands and watch Harper hit 50 bombs. Then, we will all say in unison… “Bursitis? More like Harperitis, amiright?” Okay, I admit, maybe that’ll just be me saying that. Because I’m a funny guy. Or am I? That’s a clown question bro. 3-year AVG Projection: 95/35/110/290/20
5. Robinson Cano — One of my bold predictions that I’ve already whiffed wildly on. Remember last season, his ‘career’ year? Well, in 2013, Cano is making more contact, has raised his BB%, and is doing all of this with a deflated BABIP. Whoa. As long as he keeps hitting and playing at the keystone, he’ll stay inside the top-10 of any list that’s out there. 3-year AVG Projection: 95/30/105/310/5
6. Giancarlo Stanton — Not exactly the year we were hoping for so far, but simply being named Giancarlo and the constant threat of laying down a 50-spot in home runs keeps him up here. And remember, he started off slow with an injury last season too, and still managed 37 home runs in just 123 games. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself when crying late at night in bed. 3-year AVG Projection: 80/35/90/290/5
7. Andrew McCutchen — I think 30+ home runs is pushing it, but everything else is awesome. You want know what’s not awesome? Continually spelling his last name McCutcheon. You know who you are and you need to stop. 3-year AVG Projection: 95/20/95/300/25
8. Paul Goldschmidt — Yeah yeah, I’ve never been a big believer. But it’s pretty clear Goldy doesn’t care what I think. But despite my miss, you should still care what I think. Or tears will flow. I’m telling you man, I’m fragile and I’ll put out fires. I don’t think there’s this much power he’s been showcasing, nor do I believe a 485-pound bear can steal bases like this for much longer. Hedging! But yeah, for now, I’ll humor the masses. And, you know, common sense. 3-year AVG Projection: 90/30/105/290/15
9. Matt Kemp — So is he dating Rihanna or not? If you don’t know who Rihanna is, she was in that Battleship movie. She played the aircraft carrier, cause, you know, it’s the easiest one to hit. HUURRRR. The shoulder thing scares me, and his value has pretty much drained down to zilch this year, so good thing this is a keeper list, where I don’t have to worry about such things! 3-year AVG Projection: 90/25/95/280/30
10. Carlos Gonzalez — This officially begins my small section of two players who are elite but are sorta-kinda injury prone and play for the Rockies. Guess who’s next! CarGo is putting up an MVP season, no doubt, but is anyone banking on him playing in all of the next 70 or so games? He’s probably just one of those guys who has a 130-game ceiling, but those 130 games are something wonderful. 3-year AVG Projection: 90/25/90/290/20
11. Troy Tulowitzki — Plays premium position? Check. Has power? Check. Has the ability to hit for a high average? Check. Has the amazing skill of going down with soul-shattering injuries in 40-game increments? Che… AW C’MON! But those 120 games are something wonderful, are they not? Hmm, just got a feeling of déjà vu. Also, that’s a heck of a lot of accent marks. 3-year AVG Projection: 80/25/95/310/2
12. Joey Votto — You’ve heard of Alotta Fagina. I give you– Alotta Votto. Genius, right? Right? RIGHT? Ugh. How many more of these do I have? 87? Oh Jesus. 3-year AVG Projection: 100/30/100/320/5
13. Edwin Encarnacion — Third-base eligibility is a very fine thing. Is it a long term thing? Nope, so enjoy it while it lasts. But he’s still one of the few players that you can project 35+ bombs for. You can read my thoughts here, since I still feel the same way. And don’t we all love to feel? Androids have it tough. I’m talking pre-emotion chip. Lore knows what’s up. 3-year AVG Projection: 90/35/115/265/5
14. Clayton Kershaw — First pitcher on the list, and I’m going with the guy that’s 5 years younger than Justin Verlander and pitches in the weaker league. Not as if a career ERA of 2.68 and FIP of 2.96 hurts his case. 3-year AVG Projection: 15-10/2.60/1.05/230
15. Chris Davis — If there was a list previous to this one, it’s pretty fair to say that Crushy-boy here wouldn’t have even sniffed the top-50, much less top-15. But after going over him in-depth here, I can safely proclaim that I believe. I also believe that you should believe. And that you should also believe that I believe that you believe that we all believe that I believe. My computer just threw up all over me. 3-year AVG Projection: 100/35/105/275/0
16. Yu Darvish — [Insert Yu pun.] [Insert link to self promote what I said about him.] [Insert Asian joke.] [Insert gaudy descriptors of filthy stuff.] [Insert GIFs to show filthy stuff.] [Masturbate vigorously.] 3-year AVG Projection: 17-10/3.00/1.07/260
17. Evan Longoria — I was tempted to put Longoria in the top-15, but that was only because I always think of Eva Longoria when reading his name and, you know, it was a different kind of top-15 list I was making at the time. So, to cover my tracks on why he landed right outside, I’ll just say that despite being an elite-corner with consistent numbers, those numbers only happen when he’s healthy, which is more of a question mark now than it was two years ago. 3-year AVG Projection: 85/25/95/290/3
18. Justin Upton — What a roller coaster ride this season has been. But at least it’s not the Bossman Junior ride, in which you just get dropped off a building and then drown in water. Yes, the streakiness will be something we’ll have to deal with, but there’s no denying the end of season line and relative youthness still makes the juice worth the squeeze. And yes, streakiness and youthness are words. Believeness it. 3-year AVG Projection: 90/25/85/275/15
19. Justin Verlander — We are seeing a very meh year from Verlander so far. But let’s be honest, his meh year is still pretty good. And while he is 30 and not getting any younger, I think the reports of his demise are way overblown. All the underlying stats still look good, combined with a pretty high BABIP. While the velocity leakage is somewhat concerning, I’m more worried at the fact that Detroit keeps punting defense. 3-year AVG Projection: 16-7/3.20/1.13/230
20. Adam Jones — Rounding out the list of elite outfielders with some power and speed and without the weakness of platoon splits (I’m looking at you Choo), Jones gets penalized most in OBP keeps. Then again, you’ll be hard pressed to notice because of everything else he does. 3-year AVG Projection: 95/25/85/280/15
21. Felix Hernandez — The very model of a modern general example of stability at the top of your rotation, and still only 27 years old. Sure, he’s lost velocity four straight years, but has also improved his K/9 and BB/9 in the same time span. Truly a King? That’s the best I could do to tie in his nickname. At least you got the Ron Burgundy question mark. 3-year AVG Projection: 14-9/3.10/1.13/210
22. David Wright — Despite a weird 2009 and 2011, it appears David has Wrighted the ship. Ugh. He doesn’t look like a 30 home run threat like he was, but there’s certainly nothing wrong with a 20/15 coming out of the corner. In fact, that’s very Wright. Ugh. 3-year AVG Projection: 90/20/85/300/15
23. Stephen Strasburg — Is he the next Kerry Wood or Nolan Ryan? That remains to be seen, even with the lazy comps. Representing a true risk/reward, and still only 24 years old, I’m going all in, inverted-W and all. Also, what is wrong with you baseball science? An inverted-W is just an ‘M’. Call it an ‘M’ you jerks! 3-year AVG Projection: 16-6/2.90/1.07/225
24. Jason Kipnis — This might be bold, but what he’s done this year, which is basically be a younger, healthier Ian Kinsler, can’t be ignored and has to be baked in. Which sounds gross, except maybe to witches. I read they like that kind of stuff. But do they also like baking baseball stats with those players? Sort of like a garnish? 3-year AVG Projection: 90/20/90/280/25
25. Matt Harvey — I guess you could put Harvey in front of Strasburg, but I think when both are on, the guy with Natitude gets the nod, over most of everyone actually. But if you want to flip them, I’d shrug and then stop caring, and you can read why here. Just thinking out loud, but Harvey has such a wicked fastball, one has to wonder what happens when it starts fading? What a Debbie Downer. Pffft, I know bro. 3-year AVG Projection: 13-6/3.00/1.07/225
26. Dustin Pedroia — I didn’t realize Pedroia hadn’t turned 30 yet. I seriously thought he was like 43 or something and had him ranked much lower. Silly me! Plus, he’s still an elite keystoner that can provide you near 20/20 production. That’s the way you want it, that’s the way you need it. Journey’s now in your head. You’re welcome. 3-year AVG Projection: 90/17/80/305/15
27. Adam Wainwright — At this point, please, give me Tommy John surgery. Or give me whatever the Cardinals are drinking. Just do anything that makes me a superstar and doesn’t involve me living in St. Louis. The Ozarks and their beaten down El Caminos and lack of any spoiled cabbage frightens me. 3-year AVG Projection: 17-11/2.90/1.15/200
28. Buster Posey — Still represents the best of the best of the best of the catching crop. He still has age on his side, and shouldn’t be regulated to first baseman duty for at least several more years. Or until someone takes him out at home plate again. Because home plate collisions are totally worth keeping in the game. That was sarcasm for those who missed it. 3-year AVG Projection: 70/20/85/315/1
29. Manny Machado — He’s no Trout, and he’s no Harper. Because, you know, he’s Machado. Duh. Doubles will ultimately turn into home runs, and the only regret we will ever have is to wonder, why oh why, Baltimore couldn’t have kept him at shortstop. Will it happen one day? Never say never, but teams don’t really fix things that aren’t broke. 3-year AVG Projection: 95/20/85/290/15
30. Jose Bautista — Age seems to be catching up a little to Joeybats, logging DL time a little bit more frequently than usual. But if you want vintage power with walk rates that make you the envy in OBP keep’s, look no further. And the man still hits the ball like a mutha effing beast. I’m not just saying that because he follows me on Twitter. Definitely not the reason. 3-year AVG Projection: 95/35/95/260/5
31. Anthony Rizzo — I believe in the Rizzo just like I believe in the Rza. I’m not sure what that means, but anything that can be connected to Wu-Tang gets my adoration. 3-year AVG Projection: 85/30/100/285/6
32. Max Scherzer — The moment Tehol has been waiting for. While his performance this year skews the ranking a bit, there’s no denying the further he gets way from his injury history, and the more he continues to dominate, the higher his ranking goes. Obvious statement is obvious. 3-year AVG Projection: 14-8/3.30/1.15/220
33. Hanely Ramirez — A friend once told me that on dating sites, when you choose your weight, there’s an option for used up. Yes, it was a friend, don’t snicker. When I think of the term ‘used up’, HanRam immediately comes to mind, so I’m flabbergasted that he’s still only 29. Great news, the Dodgers don’t mind keeping him at SS, which is a boon to his value. And when he isn’t injured, the numbers have always been there. Granted, being injured is sorta something we’ve had to deal with lately, but love/hate relationships are a bastion of fantasy baseball. I love you Josh Hamilton! Now go effing die! 3-year AVG Projection: 80/20/90/280/15
34. David Price — Breathe, just breathe, he’s going to be fine folks. The velocity loss earlier in the year worried me, but his fastball appears back according to the last few starts. His underlying stats show the same pitcher he always was, so I’m still expecting the same David Price we all know and love from here on out. 3-year AVG Projection: 15-9/3.30/1.16/200
35. Ian Desmond — I’m not really comfortable putting Desmond this high, as I never thought that much of him back before 2011. But since then, he’s managed to make enough contact and provide loads of power and speed at the weakest position. So I’m bowing to his production, but with a wary demeanor. Just look at my eyebrows. Or, I guess, in this case, imagine my eyebrows. The right one is raised in vintage Spock pose. This is during a bow too. Multi-tasking ftw. 3-year AVG Projection: 75/20/85/275/20
36. Yasiel Puig — I, for one, have never been to the Bay of Puigs, but theoretically, neither has the CIA. Pun gone wrong or pun gone right? Check my name son! Oh, wait a sec. I’m still not sure what to think of him, but ManBearPuig certainly looks like a difference maker, as I wrote here, even with regression. 3-year AVG Projection: 85/25/85/280/10
37. Chase Headley — Homer alert! You might be asking why Chase Headley deserves to be here, and I would say shut your face, this is my top-100 list, I’ll do what I want. His batted ball and plate discipline numbers are pretty much in line with last season. The big difference is an almost 50 point gap in his BABIP. That should clean up a bit as time goes on, and he’ll settle into an above average option at third, fantasy and otherwise. 3-year AVG Projection: 80/25/90/285/10
38. Jean Segura — Yes, this high ranking does take into account what he’s done this year, which, I’ll admit, is a bit over his head. While the power may not be for real, I think the average and speed is. And there should be enough contact here to keep Segura ranked fairly high because of the position he plays and how young he is. Consider yourself convinced! 3-year AVG Projection: 90/10/60/285/35
39. Madison Bumgarner — Color me concerned about his current velocity issues. Then again, color me relieved that he’s had these issues before and ended up just fine. And color me hopeful that he’s still only 23, ahem, a year younger than Stephen Strasburg. And finally, color me disappointed at the fact that I don’t like any of those colors. GIVE ME RAW UMBER! 3-year AVG Projection: 12-10/3.30/1.15/185
40. Ian Kinsler — The injuries and eventual move to either the outfield or first base deflates his value in comparison to Cano, Pedroia, and Kipnis. But, in most leagues, even if he’s forced off the keystone in 2014, he’ll be eligible there until the 2015 season. That’s enough of a delay for Kin’s to hold good value. Expect 20-30 games of him going MIA on the DL, but is still a top-5 option at second base. 3-year AVG Projection: 95/20/70/270/20
41. Starling Marte — You think Marte is ranked too low? Are you about to raise fisticuffs? Hey, calm down peoples and read this. I like Marte too. But the general take away should be — proceed with caution. His success and failures will be heavily BABIP driven, so Marte’s down years could really stink up the place just like his good years will make you leak from multiple orifices. That’s hot AND gross. Nailed it. 3-year AVG Projection: 90/15/55/270/30
42. Prince Fielder — He’s not getting any younger and he’s not getting any thinner either. Aging curves for big power guys scare me a bit, see; Mo Vaughn. Fielder is 29 years old, so I’m betting on at least two to three more years of good production. And eating. Lot’s of eating. 3-year AVG Projection: 85/30/95/275/0
43. Josh Donaldson — Really? I mean, really? I thought you were going to be a mediocre third baseman. Like the second coming of Kevin Orie. So you want to go southsider on me do the Robin Ventura impersonation? You know Josh, this blurb would work much better if you played for a Chicago team. Try to fix that next time. I would have ranked him higher, but he’s already 27 and came out of nowhere. I generally believe in the profile, but more data would be nice. 3-year AVG Projection: 90/25/90/285/2
44. Jose Fernandez — Debuting this year, Fernandez has a 2.83 ERA, 3.23 FIP and has a K/9 of 9.03. Oh, and he’s still not legally allowed to buy alcohol yet. The sky is the limit here, with potential to be a top-10 pitcher within a couple of years. 3-year AVG Projection: 10-10/3.30/1.10/200
45. Adrian Beltre — I can’t believe I’m ranking a 34-year-old baseball player this high. But I also can’t believe that at the age of 34, he’s on pace for 40 home runs and another 300+ batting average season. I have no idea when he slows down, but until he does, Beltre will provide elite numbers at the hot corner. 3-year AVG Projection: 90/30/100/290/1
46. Jose Reyes — Is Jean Segura the next Jose Reyes, but without the every other season catastrophic injury? Fascinating thought. 3-year AVG Projection: 95/9/55/285/35
47. Jay Bruce — Jay Bruce started off the year as Jay Wrong, maybe as a homage or something, then transformed into Jay Right, then settled on being Jay Bruce again. You want more? Check out my feelings here. If you need power, he’s your guy, and will be for the foreseeable future. 3-year AVG Projection: 90/30/95/250/7
48. Shin-Soo Choo — Do you see that? It’s the Choo-Choo train coming. Yeah, you think you’re getting tired of reading this? Guess what happens when you’re writing it? Okay, brass tax, because ef gold and silver. I don’t like the messy platoon splits, the playing in CF, nor is he getting any younger. That’s the bad part. The good part? He still gives you solid trickle-production in all categories, especially for OBP leagues. And he’s Korean. If that last one didn’t sway you, I’m not sure anything will. 3-year AVG Projection: 90/15/75/285/20
49. Allen Craig — Personally, I love Allen Craig. I’m not sure why, because I don’t trust people with two first names. Thank you Kevin James. But he’s already 28 and there’s like a 94% chance some part of his body will explode as time goes on. Don’t argue, it’s science. 3-year AVG Projection: 85/20/95/315/2
50. Chris Sale — You might think he’s low for a list like this. You know what? I think he is too. Then again, I also think his arm is going to explode at some point in the near future, so that kinda evens things out. 3-year AVG Projection: 15-8/3.10/1.10/190
51. Yoenis Cespedes — His problems this year look heavily BABIP driven, so I’m still riding on the Cespedes bus. I could have chosen a boat, but since he’s Cuban, that might have been raycess. 3-year AVG Projection: 80/25/90/280/10
52. Eric Hosmer — Hey, look, Hosmer has finally figured out that hitting the ball into the ground does not, in fact, lead to more home runs. Sarcasm aside, I believe something is happening with this hot streak, and this something that is happening is not like The Happening. Did you just do this? Me too. Basically, I believe again. I think. I think I believe. No doubt about it… sorta. Maybe. 3-year AVG Projection: 75/25/80/285/10
53. Cliff Lee — Him being this low is certainly not a function of his skills, but rather the function of being 34-years-old. While I’m confident that Lee will remain relevant in the foreseeable future, it’s the not-foreseeable future that I’m also thinking about. That was me philosophizing. 3-year AVG Projection: 16-7/3.00/1.13/200
54. Kyle Seager — I was never a huge fan, and I wasn’t the only guy in that pool. While I think the skill set is closer to a true .270 hitter than .300, I can’t deny the continually strong production and improved plate discipline at third base, which might push him into top-tier discussion by the end of this season. 3-year AVG Projection: 65/20/85/275/5
55. Albert Pujols — Who would have ever thought that a perennial top-3 pick would sink so low? Getting old sucks. Says the generally young handsome man at the age of 30. While I would love to put him higher, I’m just not convinced that he’s convinced me yet. 3-year AVG Projection: 85/25/90/285/3
56. Wilin Rosario — I like the hitting environment, I like the power, and I like what differentiates him from JP Arencibia. and that’s about 50 points of batting average annually. Being three years younger helps too. 3-year AVG Projection: 65/25/70/270/2
57. Adrian Gonzalez — The power and plate discipline numbers have improved, so I’m tentatively believing again that Gonzalez can still contribute with solid, if not spectacular production. 3-year AVG Projection: 80/25/90/290/0
58. Carlos Gomez — I would have ranked him higher, but remembered that JB Gilpin loves the guy more than he loves biscuits. So, if you are keeping track, you will get penalized if Gilpin loves you. And no, Ryan Dempster is not on this list, if you were wondering. Look, I just don’t trust him yet, and here’s why. I’m open to changing my mind. But not on the Gilpin penalty. That stays. 3-year AVG Projection: 70/15/65/250/30
59. Elvis Andrus — I guess this season Elvis, has, in fact, left the building. And actually moved out-of-state. I think he was spotted in Mexico actually. 3-year AVG Projection: 85/3/50/270/25
60. Gio Gonzalez — It would appear that last season was his peak. And while he started slow, is there a Geo Metro pun I can use here? I’m not sure. Or is that what I just did without knowing it? Anyways, while he started slow this year, he’s settled and looks to be a good bet for strikeouts and blowing up from time to time. But the end results will be that of a #2 guy. If you’re wondering, I’m a #1 guy. In your hearts and in your minds. 3-year AVG Projection: 15-8/3.30/1.15/195
61. Wil Myers — The Wil Myers era has officially begun. Everyone loves him. Me? Yeah, he’s great, if you want another Jay Bruce, which isn’t bad, obviously. Just, you know, be careful how much you love him. It’s like your pets. You can love them, just don’t looooove them. Ya know? 3-year AVG Projection: 80/25/80/250/5
62. Cole Hamels — It’s funny that he’s pitched exactly the same as he always has, yet his ERA has gone up more than a run. I mean, it’s not funny for Hamels’ owners. But for everyone else, it’s funny. Well, not haha funny. More like, look at guy who drafted Hamels as an ace and now his team is in 7th place funny. Shhh, he’s looking at us. Look away. Is he still looking at us? Don’t look, don’t look. Wait, what’s Grey’s mustache doing here? RUUNNN! 3-year AVG Projection: 13-11/3.40/1.19/200
63. Alex Gordon — Yes, technically, 29 years old is still young, unless you’re named Miguel Cabrera apparently. But Gordon got a late start and his peak may have peaked so the impact here is stable if not immediate. I’m still deciding if that makes any sense. I promise to get back to you on that. But not really. 3-year AVG Projection: 90/15/80/285/10
64. Joe Mauer — This guy, Joe Mauer, is terrible at hitting, said no one ever. While he’s a great AVG hedge, there just isn’t much power, and sooner, rather than later, he’ll be relegated to 1B/DH permanently. 3-year AVG Projection: 85/10/85/305/3
65. Jurickson Profar — On one hand, Profar doesn’t have regular playing time yet. On the other hand, he’ll have regular playing time soon enough. Shoot, I’m now officially out of hands. On one foot, this ranking is low. On the other foot, this list isn’t static, and I’m sure he’ll be moving on up soon enough. Good thing I don’t have any more points, there was only one thing left to put it on. 3-year AVG Projection: 80/15/70/280/15
66. Shelby Miller — I’m not sure what kind of success you can sustain with just one pitch, but Miller has no issue testing that theory out. But hey, if that one pitch is elite, who am I to argue? And don’t nitpick, yes, I know it’s actually two pitches, a fastball and curve. Here are similar historic comps– Daniel Cabrera, Jaret Wright, Carlos Zambrano, Jason Schmidt, and Bartolo Colon. If you think I’m saying anything with those names, I’m not. Just throwing that out there. 3-year AVG Projection: 11-9/3.40/1.17/175
67. Howie Kendrick — Kendrick isn’t flashy, but contributes in all categories at the MI. It’s easy to make the case for the younger options ahead of him, but there’s something to be said about stable production that you can count on. That’s me. I said it. Just now. 3-year AVG Projection: 80/15/65/285/10
68. Jeff Samardzija — Maybe this once deceptively white receiver just sucks for one month out of the year? Otherwise, he’s an ace, and the underlying stats prove I’m right. More importantly, I think he should time a really bad start during Shark Week so I can use the irony for my material. 3-year AVG Projection: 11-11/3.40/1.17/195
69. Jedd Gyorko — The debut was interrupted by injury, but he’s back just in time for the second half. What we saw before the DL stint leads me to believe that what we’ll be seeing afterwards will be pretty nifty. Yes, I still use the word ‘nifty’. 3-year AVG Projection: 85/15/75/280/3
70. Jordan Zimmermann — Theoretically, I could rank Zimmermann higher. He’s still quite young and has shown that an average strikeout pitcher can succeed with pinpoint command and control. Realistically, he has so many letters in his last name. Isn’t that a reward in itself? 3-year AVG Projection: 15-9/3.40/1.14/150
71. Dexter Fowler — Suprise mutha, god I wish there was a player named Doakes in the MLB. I think Fowler’s improvements this year are real, and this ranking could move up for next season. 3-year AVG Projection: 80/15/50/285/15
72. Matt Cain — “You’re coming with me, Cain!” That’s all I got. I just wanted to quote RoboCop II. 3-year AVG Projection: 12-11/3.50/1.13/180
73. Matt Carpenter — I can’t tell you how much I love Carpenter and how underrated he is. But, truth be told, I believe this year represents his ceiling. And while it’s a pretty terrific ceiling, I don’t see much potential left. Carpenter will be a stabilizing force in your MI for several years, but won’t be a difference-maker. But if he learned carpentry though… 3-year AVG Projection: 90/12/75/290/2
74. Pedro Alvarez — I actually think he’s the real-life version of Pedro Cerrano. He should have hats for bats, to keep bats warm. 3-year AVG Projection: 70/30/85/240/0
75. Matt Holliday — I know our friends across the pond call a vacation ‘going on holiday’, but why don’t they pluralize that? I mean, if it’s more than one day, you gotta add the ‘s’, right? I mean, they do use the word ‘day’ over there, yeah? What were we talking about again? 3-year AVG Projection: 80/20/80/280/3
76. Domonic Brown — Finally defeating his nemesis, consistent playing time, Brown has basically hit the ball as hard as he flips off the picture of Ruben Amaro Jr. in his basement. What, you don’t have a giant blowup photo of Ruben Amaro Jr.? You not knowin’ son. I’m going to need one more year to confirm a higher ranking. Don’t worry, I’ve already sent him a blowup photo of myself. 3-year AVG Projection: 70/25/70/240/5
77. Matt Wieters — I still think he’s better than sliced bread, but not counting sammiches. Which I guess explains such a low ranking. He’ll hit, one day, but probably a couple years after we’ve given up on him. Wait, isn’t that what we said two years ago? 3-year AVG Projection: 70/20/80/250/1
78. Ryan Zimmerman — Zimmerman’s ‘resting for a few days to precautionary DL stint to out till All-Star Break’ transition is flawless at this point. No one does it better. 3-year AVG Projection: 75/20/75/280/3
79. Austin Jackson — If you ignore all the hamstring injuries from here on out, I think Austin Jackson is a superstar. I guess that would also make Shane Victorino a top-10 player, so I might be doing this wrong. Still, a little power, a little speed, good contact, what’s not to like? Probably your mom. Buuuurn. 3-year AVG Projection: 95/13/60/280/10
80. Alex Rios — I can’t say I really understand Rios. He seems to follow the same formula that the Star Trek movies do, which is to phone it in right after acting like a boss, rinse and repeat. While that trend may finally be broken this year, I still won’t be able to tell you what happens next time out. So take this ranking with a grain of salt. Hmmm, needs a bit more pepper too. 3-year AVG Projection: 70/15/75/250/15
81. Starlin Castro — It’s been a down year. Hey, what can I tell you, I got a gift. Castro is only 23, and these things have a way of working themselves out. What this ranking presupposes is, what if they don’t? 3-year AVG Projection: 75/10/75/275/10
82. Zack Greinke — A healthy clavicle would pitch better than this. Regardless, the career low K/9 bothers me. The career high BB/9 bothers me. Combine that with an almost two MPH drop in velocity, I think I’m pretty hot and bothered. Hot as in sexy, just to clarify. Then again, all of this could be a one year aberration. Not counting the sexy thing. That’s a life sentence baby. 3-year AVG Projection: 13-5/3.70/1.23/195
83. Carlos Santana — Gets bonus points for being named Carlos Santana. Samba pa ti, if ya know what I mean. If ya don’t, well, then here. I like the bat, but he’s already close to being relegated to first base/DH, and was made more for OBP leagues. Not saying that isn’t worth something, cause, he’s, ya know, here. 3-year AVG Projection: 75/15/75/260/1
84. Freddie Freeman — Sometimes I feel like Freeman is both underrated and overrated. What does that even mean? Is he young? Yes. Is he good? Eh, sure? Is he great? No. Will he get any better? Probably not. So I guess that’s what I mean. Thanks for making me explain it. Sheesh. 3-year AVG Projection: 85/20/85/285/1
85. Ben Zobrist — Zobrilla? More like Zo-cliner, amiright? AMIRIGHT? You know, because he’s in his decline phase. I’m here all night folks. 3-year AVG Projection: 85/15/80/260/10
86. Mat Latos — A young and stable #2 guy with strikeouts. Though, I can’t say many good things for his hair stylist. Does that matter in fantasy baseball? You’d be surprised. 3-year AVG Projection: 15-10/3.50/1.23/185
87. Jason Heyward — Heyward? More like, Areyoukiddingmewiththisstuff-ward. Don’t think I don’t know what your capable of. Wait. I get it. This is your impression of Jeff Francoeur. If so, nailed it bro. 3-year AVG Projection: 75/15/75/250/10
88. Brandon Phillips — I couldn’t think of any pun’s that involved a screwdriver, so this is what I’m left with. An underwhelming option considering the company on this list, and not a particularly impressive showing this season, but he’s a relatively forgotten value option for multi-category help at the MI. 3-year AVG Projection: 85/15/80/275/10
89. Matt Moore — I think Matt Moore is an upside play, but has serious command problems. But I also think he’s at a young enough age and with the right organization to still have a chance to reach his potential. That being said, the clock is ticking. 3-year AVG Projection: 12-12/3.70/1.30/175
90. Jacoby Ellsbury — Look, let’s be Frank here, not Charles or William. Frank. Without the power, he’s basically what Brett Gardner used to be, when he thought stealing bases was cool. Which isn’t bad, but certainly not elite. 3-year AVG Projection: 90/5/55/290/35
91. Yadier Molina — If only defense counted in fantasy baseball. And while he’s good for your batting average, there’s not much else. A good option for not tanking the battery position, but still leaves you somewhat wanting. 3-year AVG Projection: 60/10/70/310/5
92. Billy Butler — He has a name that just rolls off your tongue. Also, Butler is a stable producer and a good option for OBP leagues. But, at the end of the day, there’s just not much oommph here. And I love me some oommph. That’s what she said. Depending on league format, being a utility only guy hurts a bit as well. 3-year AVG Projection: 75/15/85/290/0
93. Craig Kimbrel — This starts my mini-section of closers. I don’t really believe in the concept for keeper leagues because there’s so much turnover, but these elite guys have some staying power. 3-year AVG Projection: 3-1/2.30/1.00/115/35
94. Aroldis Chapman — And this section is now over. We hardly knew ye. That phrase originated in London in 1867 by the way. The more you know. 3-year AVG Projection: 5-3/2.50/1.10/115/35
95. Jose Altuve — I wanted to rank him higher, I really did, but something was holding me back. It definitely wasn’t him, since he’s like what? 4’11”? I like the speed, and the hitting tool seems okay, but there’s just not enough production here to make a big leap. Still young enough to change my mind. 3-year AVG Projection: 70/5/40/275/30
96. James Shields — You think he’ll be remembered more for the Wil Myers trade or wanting to be called Jamie for a couple of years? 3-year AVG Projection: 12-10/3.50/1.22/200
97. Desmond Jennings — Truth be told, I didn’t have Jennings on this list until the last minute. I’m not sure what to think of him, because if you subtract 15 rounds and 20 batting average points, you basically have Will Venable. Just sayin’. 3-year AVG Projection: 70/10/65/250/25
98. Brandon Belt — Belt has an opportunity to reestablish himself, and there are signs showing just that. I’m hesitant to rank him any higher yet on the off chance he turns into Travis Lee instead of Adam LaRoche. 3-year AVG Projection: 75/15/75/275/5
99. Anibal Sanchez — Being the last pitcher on the list, I had a hard time deciding between the three-way of Sanchez, CC Sabathia, and Julio Teheran. There’s gotta be a better way to say that. I settled on Sanchez because I don’t fully trust Teheran, and Sanchez’s relative youth compared to Sabathia. 3-year AVG Projection: 12-11/3.60/1.25/175
100. Anthony Rendon — Yes, I could have ranked him higher. But I like strong ankles in my young second basemen. RAWR. 75/15/75/290/1
101. Pablo Sandoval — Bonus ranking alert! I’ve been known to do these sort of things. Did Kung Fu here really get a hamate injury? Or did he just eat it and not realize that it wasn’t part of the Big Mac that was he was holding onto? By that, I’m saying he eats a lot. And by saying he eats a lot, I’m calling him fat. And I guess I just called him a cannibal. That’s weird. 65/15/75/275/0
Remember, this is just a snapshot in time. Despite ranking players with a long-term perspective, nothing is ever static. I’m sure the next Top 100 list will reflect that. And if there’s a player ranking here you don’t like or a player you think is missing, it’s because I hate them and I hate you. And your mother. It’s totally personal. I’m kidding. I love you. But only after a couple of shots of whatever. Top shelf preferably.
Jaywrong is a 30-year old Korish writer who finds solace using Makers Mark as a vehicle to impress average-looking women, and also has an affinity for making Jennifer Lawrence GIFs. You can follow him @jaywrong, read his blog Desultory Thoughts of a Longfellow, or, you can find his GIFs at his tumblr, named Siuijeonseo.
