Ed Wade’s Toupee has made it clear that he’s trying to move Hunter Pence in a trade. Why would the Astros want to hold onto their best player? He just gives his fans false hope. False hope is worst than no hope. See every movie John Singleton’s done since Boyz n the Hood for examples of what hope can do to you. Awesome, the guy who did Boyz n the Hood is gonna remake Shaft. No, not awesome. Terrible. Thanks a lot, false hope! Speculation has Pence going to Atlanta, Philly or the Red Sox. Speculation has me excited to own Pence. Shoot, speculation sounds like salvation for Pence. If Pence were a car, I’d put on him a bumper sticker, “Anywhere but Houston.” His RBIs haven’t suffered as much as you might think considering where he is, but it can only get better. And his runs, his lineup protection, potentially his ballpark. I like it. It’s a win-win-maybe win scenario. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Kosuke Fukudome – The Indians acquired the Japanese OF to help fill the void left by Korean OF Shin-Soo Choo. Hopefully Fukudome doesn’t get hurt or else they may bring in a Taiwanese Little Leaguer.
Tyler Colvin – Was recalled. Still plenty of time to reach the 40 homer prediction of Matthew Berry. Go big or go home!
Drew Storen – Rumors are saying that the Nats weren’t willing to trade Drew Storen for Denard Span. And they shouldn’t. It’s not that important to save money on monogrammed bathrobes.
Ryan Zimmerman – 4-for-5. It should be a day of celebration for Zimmerman’s owners so it’s too bad I’m about to point out he has 5 homers and 20 RBIs on the year. As Mattingly would say as Morganna ran toward him, “What a bust.” Speaking of which, in the 80’s we had casual female nudity in movies and random hot girls running on the baseball field. Then in the 90’s we got no nudity and no one running on the field. Now, you get male nudity (don’t even start me about Friends With Benefits — why are you showing Justin Timberlake and not Mila Kunis? Am I not the target audience? Actually, don’t answer that.) and drunk idiot guys running on the field. Where did our country go wrong? Can’t we get back to random naked girls in movies and goofy Loni Anderson-type girls running on the field? Oh, and don’t look up recent photos of Loni Anderson on Google. Her plastic surgery makes Lisa Rinna’s lips look real.
Wade Davis – 6 IP, 5 ER vs. the A’s and the conshellation prize. All five runs were given up in the first inning then he settled down, but still the last time Tampa got hammered from Oakland this bad was when MC Hammer played last month at a Tampa farmers’ market.
Desmond Jennings – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs with his first homer and fourth steal in only six games while batting .500. After the game, he declared himself the new King of Slam & Legses, only when he said legses it didn’t sound weird because he’s perfect.
Brandon Allen – 1-for-2 with his 3rd home run and his first steal. My man’s playing with reckless a-Brandon! That’s 3 homers in 26 at-bats. That’s, a’la Larry David, prettaaaaaay prettaaaaaay good.
Jesus Guzman – 2-for-2 with his 4th homer and 2nd steal. I’ve been wanting to get on board with this guy for over a week now, but he’s been sitting every third game and not hitting righties well, i.e., what most pitchers are. If you can platoon him in deeper leagues, it’s worth a flyer.
Kyle Blanks – Now 2 for his first 20 with 11 Ks. At this point, the only way he’s going to be productive is if someone figures out a way to harness his windmill swing for electricity.
Edwin Encarnacion – 3-for-4 with his 8th home run. Last time he hit a home run, it was at the tail end of a 14-for-31 streak. This could be the start of another such run. And, yeah, ‘another such’ sounds lame. I’m aware.
J.J. Hardy – 3-for-5 with his 17th and 18th homers which is one homer behind Tulowitzki, who leads all major league shortstops. Orioles fans are now saying Cal Ripken who? Though they probably mean, “Are you talking about junior or senior?”
Mark Trumbo – 3-for-5 with 5 RBIs and only a single short of the cycle. He’s nothing special on AVG/OBP but 19 HRs and 53 RBIs in the AL West (see Smoak, Moreland, and Barton) should keep Trumbo off any blacklists.
Erick Aybar – 3-for-4 with his 21st steal. In the past two months, he’s hitting .255 with 7 steals. Cust kayin’.
Billy Butler – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer or his third homer in as many games. Butler’s cups really runneth over.
Homer Bailey – 4 IP, 9 ER. It’s to the point where I wouldn’t own Bailey until he threw two months straight of quality starts.
Francisco Rodriguez – Since he waived his games-finished clause that would pay him $17.5 million, he hasn’t finished any games. K-Rod backwards is dork. Father-in-laws everywhere rejoice.
Lucas Duda – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and he’s going to make an appearance in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell as I throw it to Lucas.
Daniel Murphy – 1-for-3 with 3 runs and a steal as he stays blisteringly hot. To point out the painful and obvious, he’s been better than Ryan Zimmerman. Fantasy baseball, making prematurely bald men bald faster.
Emilio Bonifacio – 2-for-4 with his 24th steal. His hitting streak is now up to 26 games. That makes sense in opposite world where I look like Paul Walker with a mustache and girls still like mustaches.
Mike Stanton – 1-for-3 as he hit his 24th homer. Actually, that’s not entirely true. He started to swing and the ball flinched 375 feet the other way.
Wilson Betemit – 1-for-3 with a home run. Has now hit in every game he’s started since his trade to the Tigers, which is a really nice way to say he’s hitting around .270 over the last week.
Brad Penny – 3 1/3 IP, 7 ER. The Tigers pitching box score sounds like a porn marquee — Penny, Furbush, Ruffin, Purcey and Coke. All to star in Motor City Mamas.
