Two weeks ago, Albert Pujols fractured his wrist. He said he was going to be out for 6 weeks but he wasn’t sure until he went back to his home planet Krypton, where he’s known as Al-El. On Krypton, Al-El had a heart-to-heart with a hologram image of Stan Musial. What Stan told Al-El was simple. “Hitting isn’t about arms, wrists or legs. It’s about flying backwards around the globe to before your wrist was hurt by Wilson Betemit and pulling your arm back. Then take two weeks to pretend like you’re injured so no one thinks anything weird is going on.” I’d be slightly concerned that Pujols is rushing himself back and he might not have his power immediately, if this weren’t Pujols. A few years ago, he revealed in the preseason he had a broke elbow tendon or some shizz and went on to win the MVP. He’s superhuman, don’t doubt him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jon Lester – He took a no-hitter into the trainer’s room where he found out he had a strained latissimus dorsi. So, he’s a dolphin? Well, if he’s that smart, have him throw with his other flipper. Or have Al-El touch your lat and make it better! Lester will probably be out a couple of weeks. So it’s longer than you want, but shorter than the Big Dig.
Jeff Karstens – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. There’s far more glamorous names out there. Like Portia, that’s a glamorous name. Karstens is more like a 3.75 ERA pitcher than the 2.55 he currently has, but that shouldn’t stop you from throwing him out there in some leagues.
Brett Cecil – 8 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks. After his last start, I said we’d need to see a few good starts from Cecil before adding him. This was one. Few > One.
Shane Victorino – Has a Grade 1 sprain on his thumb. That’s a thumb sucking. He could be out until the All-Star break.
Ryan Madson – Threw a bullpen session and he’s due back right after the All-Star break. On a side note that has nothing to do with this, I was talking to Rudy over IM and asked him to imagine us writing a non-fantasy baseball blog and to come up with a Casey Anthony not guilty title. His title, “Mom Finally Free from Parenting and Jail.”
Ryan Howard – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 18th home run to go along with his 71 RBIs. I took some guff for putting him high in my preseason rankings, if I’m using the word guff correctly. Well, guff, ya’ll! (I’m almost certainly not using it right there.) And for those that say, “Well, you could’ve had Berkman much later.” I say, true, but that was a lottery ticket. You can’t count on those.
Aramis Ramirez – 1-for-4 with his 13th homer. I think he’s hit 10 homers in the last 11 games, but I’m not Aramis’s keeper.
Dan Haren – 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 9 Ks. Shh, don’t tell Haren but it’s technically the second half of the season.
Jhoulys Chacin – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks. Why again did I have to say a correction was coming? I suck. Hopefully he’ll start to turn things around again. Just putting that out into the universe. It’s the secret.
Ian Stewart – 0-for-3. Ah, you haven’t missed a beat, you old Mini-Mini Donkey. The Rockies are saying Stewart’s bench depth. For now, I’m gonna think about the good times we had for like half of a month last year and let someone else pick him up. In the immortal words of Sean Puffy P. Diddy Puff Daddy Combs, “Memories give me the strength I need to proceed…Strength I need to believe…”
Freddie Freeman – 1-for-3 with his 12th home run. Doc spoke about him yesterday, so I won’t go too in-depth. Just wanna say I picked him for Rookie of the Year, not Rudy. It’s just deserts and he’s my biscotti! (I say biscotti because it’s sweet, but there’s probably something better for dessert. Plus, the hard C sound is funny.)
Dustin Ackley – 2-for-3 with the always delectable slam & legs. 3 home runs and 2 steals over 50 at-bats ain’t too shabby. Hopefully he doesn’t get how to avoid sophomore slump tips from Pedro Alvarez or Matt Wieters this offseason.
Matt Holliday – 2-for-4 with 2 homers. Matt sure knows how to extend the Holliday weekend! Huh?! Yeah, I’m not sure what that means either.
Edinson Volquez – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. This isn’t exactly a newsflash but he’s unownable in all leagues.
Curtis Granderson – 3-for-6 with his 24th and 25th home runs. Grandy is dandy, but Chipper is sicker.
Asdrubal Cabrera – Day-to-day with an ankle injury. Still haven’t heard of one cankle injury. Cust kayin’.
Felipe Paulino – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 9 Ks. See high K pitcher striking out a lot of guys… Having…hard…time…resisting…
Scott Baker – Has a mild strain of his elbow. For a pitcher, that’s like a slight case of being dead. I wouldn’t be surprised to see him miss a few starts.
Matt Capps – And he was lousy again yesterday while Perkins got another save. Maybe when Gardenhire is saying the closer is Capps, he actually means in proximity to him. I’d grab Perkins and Nathan for speculative saves. Capps isn’t long for the 9th.
Clayton Richard – To the 15 day DL with a left shoulder strain. In his place could be, Anthony Bass or Wade LeBlanc, who sound like siblings of Backstreet Boys. Whichever one gets the call will have value in home starts. You know the old saying, “It can’t hurt starting Hodgepadres at home.” Actually, it’s not old or really even a saying.
Mike Cameron – Like many Northeasterns nearing retirement, Krispie Young Sr. will be moving to the Sunshine State. Hopefully he looks both ways at intersections so he doesn’t have another head-on collision and put a dent in Mike Stanton or Logan Morrison.
Mike Stanton – Experiencing vision problems as a result of a recent eye infection, turning his normally high K-rate into the Mark Reynolds K-stratosphere. Jack McKeon was just glad to have something in common with one of his players. “Hey, team, prostates and incontinence are a bitch, am I right?”