This year Doug Fister has been a revelation like a Dorito in the shape of the Virgin Mary telling you it’s time to change your underwear. Mystically, making something out of nothing and turning it into a little something-something. 13 strikeouts yesterday?! Doode has never struck out more than 6 prior to this year. I never thought I’d say this, but I really like Fister and it hurts so good. Sure, I’m pretty easy. Strikeout some guys and I get all googly-eyed, but he now has a 2.64 ERA on the Tigers and a 3.17 ERA on the year with a 1.14 WHIP. Fister?! I hardly knew her! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Carlos Beltran – Missed yesterday’s game with food poisoning. You can call him Upchuck Beltran.
Dexter Fowler – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and 2 homers. Now has four homers in the past week. Pick him up in all leagues. For a while I’ve been saying he’s capable of being a poor man’s Shane Victorino. You know, Feign Victorino. So the power isn’t totally coming out of left field, um, center field.
Mike Stanton – Missed yesterday’s game and could miss several more. I’m pouring some of my forty out for you.
Jair Jurrjens – Will be out at least two more weeks. If you don’t have the DL room, wash that Jurrjens right outta your team.
Brian Dinkelman – 3-for-7 as he was recalled and started in both games of the doubleheader. Take that, Ryan Seacrest!
Sergio Santos – In first game of the doubleheader, he didn’t start the ninth in a save situation then came on, gave up a run and was pulled for Chris Sale. Santos is the closer still, but Ozzie’s been known to flip the script on sanity occasionally.
Zach Stewart – 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 0 Walks, 9 Ks. Brilliant start, obviously, but in his last game vs. the Twins he gave up 6 earned in 4 2/3 innings and that’s just as likely to happen again next time. Too late in the year to trust a rookie pitcher. BTW, in Chicago, Zach Stewart’s fans should dress up like bears and they can be known as the Stewart root bears.
Jason Bay – 2-for-4 with a homer. I feel dirty even saying this, but he has two homers in the last three games. He’s obviously not a spectacular option, but he might be okay for a week or so.
Grady Sizemore – 0-for-4 as he returned from the DL and hit leadoff. Just in time for the Indians to pretend they still have hope for the playoffs. Crazy the only real race in baseball is the Rangers and Angels and I don’t really buy the Bobby Grichville Angels have much of a shot for the playoffs. Maybe Selig will cook up some new crackpot way to get more playoff races. Bud Selig, “We’re gonna have a Wilder Card team next year and that team will play the All-Star game winner and then the winner of that will be an automatic World Series team. Yes, that could mean the National League All-Star team might play the Brewers in the World Series, which will mean Prince Fielder’s on both teams. It’ll mean ratings. Die, football, die! My toupee will now take questions.”
Henderson Alvarez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. He’s been solid in three of his last four starts, but with H2H playoffs and roto championships on the line, I wouldn’t risk it with Alvarez this year. Of course it depends on how much risk you need to take on.
Brett Lawrie – 1-for-3 with a steal and a walk-off homer. Desmond Jennings who? OH, NO, YOU DIDN’T. I did, Al Caps. NO, YOU DIDN’T. I did. DAMN.
Tim Stauffer – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K. He totally roped me in again. I saw Petco and the weak Giants lineup and I gave him another whirl and he defecated on my teams. He’s probably just tired, but if he can’t be counted on in Petco vs. the Giants he’s so done.
Billy Butler – Yesterday, he hit two homers. One for each of his oversized areolas.
John Axford – Threw a clean inning for his 41st save. Now has a 2.23 ERA, 1.21 WHIP and 75 Ks in 64 2/3 innings. His face is a bit too over-adorned with a soul patch, but he’s having a great season. Too bad he’ll probably end up being drafted too high next year.
Robert Andino – 2-for-5 with his 3rd homer. After his big game, he posed for his CBS profile pic.
Mark Reynolds – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 32nd homer and 6th steal for the slam & legs. It’s been almost 10 days since the last time I said if only he’d hit .260. If only he’d hit .260…
Erik Bedard – Next start is getting skipped because he’s Erik Bedard and he’s never healthy.
Josh Beckett – Left yesterday’s game with a sprained ankle. His next start will probably be pushed back a few days as a precaution. Or maybe they’ll just wrap it in police caution tape.
Bobby Jenks – After undergoing a colonoscopy, Jenks has been ruled done for the year. The colonoscopy camera has been ruled done forever.
Mike Morse – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 25th and 26th home runs. Slash slash dot dot.
Derrek Lee – 1-for-3 with a homer. Is now 7 for his last 12 with two homers. On Friday, someone in our fantasy sports forums asked who to drop between someone, someone, someone and Lee. I told them to lose Lee. I’m sorry, friend. DL’s return from the DL has been bombastic, very fantastic.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks. Looks like he’s fixed whatever problem was bothering him… Actually, I’m not sure that’s the case, but it seems that way.
Madison Bumgarner – 8 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 13 Ks. How about You Can’t Get More Than Two In On This Bumgarner? How about that name, ‘son?
Pablo Sandoval – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and 2 homers. Elias Sports Bureau reported that with Butler and Sandoval’s 4 combined homers, there was more home run trot moob jiggling yesterday than ever in the history of baseball.
Scott Sizemore – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in 3 games. At least one Sizemore is performing this year. If you need a middle infidel with some pop, I’d go with Sizemore.
James Shields – 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 KS. Here’s a riddle for you: What do James Shields and George W. Bush have in common? If you answered, they both hit rock bottom when they were criticized by Kanye, you’re wrong, but I appreciate you trying.
Evan Longoria – 1-for-2 with his 25th homer and 2nd steal for the slam & legs, which is also a special at a Tampa area strip club. Longoria’s hitting .236 on the year, which is because of a ridiculous amount of bad luck. I’ll take him in the 2nd round of next year’s drafts without thinking twice about it.
Carlos Marmol – Threw a perfect inning for the save yesterday. Cubs say we are (not) Marshall.
Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in three games. He’s having a great year (26 homers, 8 steals). No doubt, Stefani. But his OBP is .297. Um, burp?
Dellin Betances – Yankees are considering bringing up their best pitching prospect for the stretch run as a bullpen arm. See Joba and Hughes for how I feel about Yankee pitching prospects, i.e. more hype than they’re worth. Stephen went over his Dellin Betances fantasy not that long ago. He wrote it while setting fire to a picture of me.
Jesus Montero – 2-for-3 with his first 2 major league homers. The lucky fan who caught Jesus’s first homer returned it in exchange for a piece of the Shroud of Turin.