Go to a quiet, dark place and light a few candles (preferably scented). Cue up my theme music. Now close your eyes, listen to my intro in it’s entirety and visualize greatness. Then, and only then, may you open your curious eyes and continue on (make sure you go back and watch the video because it’s awesome). If you lack the heart of a champion, I strongly recommend you either 1) refrain from reading further, or in my opinion the better option 2) play my theme music on at full volume,on repeat, until you’ve built up the testicular fortitude to withstand any obstacle on your way to glory.
For those of you unfamiliar with my life-story, I’ll break it down my bio for you in a few sentences. Since the tender age of 12, I’ve spent my life traveling the world as a mankini model. I’m proud to be the first and only male model/fantasy baseball writer in our world’s great history. It hasn’t been a fairy-tale, that’s for sure, but it’s allowed me the financial freedom to help those in need. A few of the endeavors I’m most proud of– My trips to Cambodia, where I visit orphanages and take them all skydiving, otherwise known as “Beddict’s Head First Program”, as well as teaching Thai hookers sign language, which I feel really services those of us not fortunate enough to fully take in what the dirty talk is all about. Foundation is being laid down as we speak, for “The Beddict Center for Thai Hookers to Learn Sign Language”, and the response is extremely positive thus far. Please contact me for ways to donate.
None of the other writers can look me in the eye in the shower of the Razzball locker room and it stings. They can’t begin to understand what it feels like to walk around in a pink thong, lathered up in Crisco and still feel masculine. I’m the Michael Sam of the Razzball staff, if you will. Though I’m not gay personally, I like to consider myself an honorary member. I will save the rest of my hardships about breaking into the business of fantasy sports writing for another time as the moment has come to actually begin writing about the subject you are on this glorious website for: Fantasy Baseball.
Being that we are nearing draft dates, I thought it would be interesting to mention a few players at each position who are highly ranked everywhere to avoid drafting this season. Remember that this is not the opinion of Razzball, but just that of I, Tehol Beddict. Granted some of these soon-to-be-named players are great, it’s just that I wouldn’t’ take them where they are slotted to go. The title for this post was inspired by a movie I illegally downloaded and viewed this past week titled, you guessed it, Filth. Very disturbing film, yet I love the word, so there you have it. If anything, make sure you watch this scene (NSFW). Oh yea, I almost forgot to mention, I spanked the other Razzball employees in our Razzball Writers RCL League last year. Not in the sensual way a Catholic priest would spank a teenage boy, but in a bend over and grab your ankles prison style spanking.
Am I hot? Homey, did Ike beat Tina? Let’s get it.
Matt Wieters - I have a Lord of the Rings style trilogy in the works encompassing my passionate hatred for the man formally known as “God”. This peonic life form has let me down, time and time again, yet I continue to believe that each year is his breakout season. How can this guy not succeed? HIS NICKNAME IN COLLEGE WAS MOTHERF#CKING “GOD!”. Batting .235 in a loaded lineup like Baltimore has is something I’d expect from a bum like Dan Wilson (remember him Mariner fans?), not someone known as “God”. Mauer with power? Talk about a sick joke. Wieters is softer than Roseanne’s son, D.J. I’d recommend taking an Evan Gattis type player. I love Gattis AKA Da White Bear, not just because he has George Ruthian like power, but because he wasn’t a high draft pick formerly known as “God,” and I don’t want to wash out his rancid mouth with goat piss every time he speaks. Did I mention Wieters was known as “God” to his teammates at Georgia Tech? You couldn’t pay me to draft this guy before the 11th round, and I suggest you stay away as well for I fear many of you have been sucked into the vortex of worshiping this false God, as I have………Who am I kidding, I’ll probably draft him in every league.
Yadier Molina - Can last season’s top ranked catcher do it one mo’ time for ya’ll? I’m gonna say no. First of all, Molina is going to be 32 in July and that just so happens to be the age Christian Slater was when he seemingly fell off the face of the earth. Still one of this planet’s most perplexing unsolved mysteries, Slater deserved better.
On a serious note, I’m just projecting catchers like Brian McCann and Joe Mauer to bounce back heavy and Molina’s numbers to decline a bit. Even Wieters might pass him……Did I really just say that? God, I hate that guy. I like Molina but you’d be better off using that high selection on a player with major upside. Have faith in me for I have faith in you.
Robinson Cano - I’ve never drafted Cano and win multiple titles every single season. Coincidence? I think not. Now imagine him taken from the friendly confines of Yankee Stadium and hitting in Safeco field with washed up Corey Hart and Logan Morrison as his only protection. Sadly, a dip in production is guaranteed in all major categories except possibly batting average. Now, I live in Seattle, so I’ll be sacrificing multiple goats in his honor, praying to the Elder Gods for an MVP like season, but I just don’t see it. Is Cano still the #1 2nd baseman in baseball? Without question. Should you take him in the first round? Sure, if you want to lose or if you’re playing in a 20-team league.
Rickie Weeks - I didn’t have much issue with any rankings on 2nd Basemen, so I thought I’d take a moment to mention the disgraceful fall off of Rickie Weeks. Only once before in my lifetime have I witnessed human beings seemingly go limp overnight. Those human beings you ask? That would be none other than the sellout band, Filter. How do you go from this and this, to THIS!? Talk about Charmin soft. These former Nine Inch Nails knockoffs went from hardcore to the cupcake lead singer looking like a bloated tadpole floating around singing about feeling like a newborn. I, honest to the Gods, didn’t believe it at first. I used to ask a good friend of mine, who’s still into butt-rock, “hey, remember that band, Filter? They rocked hard son!” When I learned that ‘Take a Picture’ song was created by Filter and not someone like The Spindoctors, I was dumbfounded. How could this be? Why was this not making national headlines?!?? I still want and need answers for this fraudulent behavior! And I still want answers from Rickie Weeks, on why/how he is so god damn horrific at playing baseball.
David Wright - I get it; David Wright is a very good baseball player when he’s not injured. That’s like saying Old Dirty Bastard was a great rapper when he wasn’t abusing crack cocaine (also applicable to DMX). 3rd base is pretty pathetic nowadays and will become even more so next season when Miggy is no longer eligible. Let’s put it this way; ESPN has the surprisingly short Wright ranked number 3 and young gunna Manny Machado ranked 12nth. I’ll take the kid with the gargantuan upside every single time, which is why I’m three more titles away from ascending to Godhood and David Wright owners are taking their anger out on their children in the home place. Shame on yuh!
Josh Donaldson – I would bet my pet chicken, Beatrice’s life, that Donaldson doesn’t come close to approaching last season’s totals. There’s a better chance of Ace of Base making a comeback, and oh how spectacular that would truly be. Try and watch that video and not start dancing. Unless you were born in the 90′s, you got to feel this, playaz! All Tehol wants is his babies, and J.D. ain’t the one, so see the sign and look elsewhere for a 3-bagger. ONE MORE VIDEO! I seriously can’t stop watching these.
Derek Jeter – Everybody loves this gift-basket giving legend, but the truth is that he’s been overrated in fantasy and in real life for the last 13 years or so. He’s actually ranked low enough this season(for the first time ever) that he’s actually underrated but I’m just putting him here to make up for past year’s mistakes.
Jean Segura - Don’t be fooled by last year’s scorching start, as Segura is more like that fat dude in Accepted than Jonah Hill. Wait, what?!?! That was Jonah Hill? Yikes! Shortstop is so absurdly pitiful that it would be nice to own Segura, but I’m assuming you’re going to have to draft him somewhat early to do so and I can’t, in good conscience, recommend that.
Allen Craig - Can reality please strike these pedestrian Cardinal hitters? I’m waiting for the news to hit any day now that their entire roster is injecting some undetectable steroid. What else could possibly explain these bums suddenly hitting like Hall of Famers? It’s like Jimmy Fallon becoming famous; I just don’t get it.
Adam Jones - I always thought Jones to be solid and was obviously devastated when the Mariners traded him for Bedard (WHOOPS), but seeing him ranked in the top-10 overall scares me. I’d be more than surprised if he repeated last year’s numbers and if you could get, say, Domonic Brown in the much later rounds (you can and I will), as well as some other high upside younger guys, I would highly recommend doing so. If it came down to it, I’d take Cano over Jones, so yea, I just don’t see it. Sorry, not sorry.
Michael Cuddyer – I’m seeing this salt n’ pepper hair having old man being ranked ahead of Josh Hambone the God, and Dominic Brown? I pray to the wise elders, that my competition is drafting based off of these rankings, for I will end all of thee in murderous fashion. Witness.
Jason Giambi - I viewed “The Gambino’s” name on ESPN’s designated hitter list. Someone please tell me this is a joke. Someone please inform me that Giambi is not so much as receiving a training camp invite. He is so horrifically pathetic, I cannot bare to witness another season of this cheating disgrace on the bench. Somebody lied, for Giambi can’t possibly be playing pro ball anymore.
Mike Minor - Another player I just didn’t like the feel of. Sure, the numbers looked pretty solid, but why Minor is ranked 16th on ESPN’s list, I have no clue. They’re literally 25-30 pitchers I’d draft over Minor and that’s just sweet, gentile Tehol, trying not to offend anyone. I know Big Mike will be looking like a tasty morsel to you on draft day but it don’t matter, just don’t bite it.
Matt Cain – Why is Cain getting a pass for last season? That was the definition of a disgrace. That’s all I have to say about that.
Jim Johnson – I’ve been expecting Johnson’s downfall for the past few years now, but he somehow manages to keep putting up stellar numbers, even though he’s one of the most hittable closers I’ve ever witnessed. No team will ever win a World Series with this bum as their closer and that’s on the hood, cuz. Sorry, I’ve been watching a lot of rap videos lately. Anyway, it’s only a matter of time before Johnson goes all Valverde on us and I hope it’s this year, and I hope you don’t draft him.
It’s certainly good to be back at the Razzball offices, getting compliments on my glutes from Jay Wrong [Ed. Note- You know it brah.] and the fellas, doing one of the things I love most in this world. Speaking of things I love, I have to wake up at 4am tomorrow to help dig a well for a local Amish community. What can I say? I’m a giver. By the way, I failed to mention that I’m the resident “Points League” expert so please hit me with questions about that but let’s be honest; there’s not much difference between the different kinds of leagues.
Your comments, criticism, and questions will be responded to promptly below and feel free (or obligated) to follow me on Twitter at @TeholBeddict47. Here’s to fantasy baseball, the greatest “game” there is.