As I’ve been saying for the last month, Neftali Feliz will be the closer and he doesn’t have syphilis. Now stop experimenting on him! Feliz shoots all the way back up to the top of the Donkeycorns and can/should/verb be the top closer in the game by the end of the season. This also means Matt Harrison will be a starter. And to that I say, “I enjoyed your work on Falcon Crest.” Matt Harrison shall be now known as the Lone Ranger, as in he’ll be the lone Ranger that no one drafts. Anyway, here’s some other fantasy baseball news:
Tommy Hunter – Suffered a groin strain. I know too well about those! Oh, wait, no I don’t. *blushes* Maybe they’ll put Neftali back in the rotation. I’m kidding! They’ll probably use Dave Bush. Um, yikes.
Matt Dominguez – Out as the Marlins 3rd baseman so that leaves…. Drum roll, please. Wes Helms, Greg Dobbs and Emilio Bonifacio. Drum roller, “I can’t believe I’m drum rolling this crap. I once drum rolled Fonzie setting a world record by jumping over 14 garbage cans on a motorcycle!” My best guesstimate for playing time will be Wes Helms gets 300 ABs, Emilio gets 150 and Dobbs gets gobs of sunflower seeds stuck in his teeth. It’s not a pretty blahtoon and should be avoided at all costs.
Chase Utley – Will start the season on the DL. I imagine he will start May on the DL. And June. And July. And… Well, you get the picture. I wouldn’t draft Utley this year. Not worth the ulcer.
Scott Rolen – Big injury wheel keeps on turning…Rolen, Rolen, Rolen hurt his fingers. Rolen almost managed to get out of spring training without an injury. He had to leave yesterday’s game after getting hit on the hand as he was unable to grip the bat. Still TBD if this is serious but it didn’t seem like it was DL-worthy. If it is, Juan Francisco likely makes the team and gets most of the starts. (Please let Juan Francisco start for the Reds for our LABR team. Reds-a-roni!)
Kevin Correia – Will be the Pirates Opening Day starter. Correia? Who is running Pittsburgh — Kim Jong-il?
Joe Nathan – As I said in Tuesday’s Closer Look, he’s been awful. Wouldn’t be surprised if his job gets *pinkie to mouth* Cappsized, at least in the first few weeks. Actually, here’s what I see happening. Nathan gets torched and Capps saves a few games while Nathan works things out. Then Nathan returns, gets torched again and, finally, the Twins send him to the Disgraceful List.
Lorenzo Cain – Melky Effin’ Cabrera is putting a hurt on Team Grey. Looks like Cain is going to start the year in the minors. And, even if he doesn’t, Melky’s locking up the center field job on the Royals. Melky, I like your name, I do not like what you’re doing to Lorenzo Cain. You’re on notice.
Cody Ross – The boo-boo on the moo-moo is going to have Ross shelved for 3 weeks. Nate Schierholtz should see most of the time in right. He’s pretty much waiver wire fodder in NL-Only leagues unless he’s hot.
Casey McGehee – Got hit by a pitch and was carted off the field. X-rays showed he should be fine for the start of the season. X-rays also found a misplaced remote control.
Justin Duchscherer – Orioles said he’d start the season on the DL. Hate to be one for semantics, but I think they meant he’d spend the season on the DL.
Brent Morel – Will be the White Sox opening 3rd baseman, but he should be avoided in all leagues. Though Morel does seem like a funghi!
Mike Minor – As reported here first after reading it elsewhere, Beachy will be the fifth starter. Minor should change his name, aptronyms (Word of the day!) will get you every time.
Jair Jurrjens – Sticking with the newly established Braves starting rotation theme, Jar-Jar left yesterday’s game because of pain in his side. Jar-Jar said, “Meesa tinks me side hurts me now.” Braves are saying he’ll be fine for the start of the season. Okay, but he’s injury prone and I think we see Minor and Beachy in the rotation before too long.
Franklin Gutierrez – The Big FraGu is going to start the year on the DL because he has stomach issues stemming from a slow digestive tract. His body treats all food like maraschino cherries and gum. Food for Franklin Gutierrez is like last season for the Mariners. Difficult to digest.