Maybe we shut down pitchers after they throw a perfect game, instead of debating a Stephen Strasburg skin tag and whether we should have it checked out. This isn’t entirely fantasy related, but there was like seven games yesterday, so bear with me. Or bare with me, if you’re a nudist. Yesterday, Dr. Yocum said he worked with the Nats about their plan to shut down Strasburg, while previously Yocum said he was “not asked” and hadn’t spoken to the Nats GM. This is like getting to the bottom of which parent said it was okay for a teenager to get a New York Jets tattoo. It wasn’t dad! Dad’s a Giants fan! Is the baseball world Strasburg’s helicopter parent? I want to know if the obstetrician, who delivered Strasburg, waited the full nine months, otherwise we might need to reinsert Strasburg into his mother’s vagina for another day or two. Oh, and Felix Hernandez got rocked hard. His line: 4 IP, 7 ER vs. Toronto. Jays did him as if you spell their name Jay-Z and Felix was Nas. In his last three starts, F-Her has given up 16 ER, tying his career worst for 3 starts and his 7 earned yesterday were his 2nd worst amount of runs allowed this year. He gets the red-hot O’s next. For that, read “yay” in its reverse… Hmm, that didn’t work. Stupid palindromes. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Dustin Ackley – 1-for-3 with his 11th homer, to raise his average to .232. I wasn’t a fan of his in the preseason and he’s done more than prove me right. In fact, he could’ve done a little less of proving me right and a little more of proving he could hit major league pitching.
Henderson Alvarez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks. Before the game, he got to meet with Felix Hernandez, his idol, then he went on to beat him. That’ll teach Felix to not put the clause in his contract that he has final approval with Make-A-Wish.
Edwin Encarnacion – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 40th homer. Can I just write the Encarnacion overrated for 2013 post right now?
Adam Lind – 2-for-4 with his 10th homer. Remember he missed…Oh, forget it, his stats wouldn’t be good if he missed 100 games.
Jeff Mathis – 4-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. Mike Scioscia, “Told you he was good!”
Felix Doubront – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. His line looks a tad better than reality since there were 5 walks and not a ton of strikes thrown. Though his line looks a lot better than Felix Hernandez’s or if you’re drunk.
Ivan DeJesus Jr. – 0-for-2. His dad would’ve been proud.
Ben Zobrist – 3-for-6, 1 run, 1 RBI as he was one of the few hitting bright spots in the 14-inning game yesterday played by the O’s and Rays. He credited his success to praying extra hard.
Jeremy Hellickson – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks and would’ve got the win if not for Wade Davis’s blown save which started with his error. Wade apologized, saying he had that stupid “Toot It And Boot It” song stuck in his head.
B.J. Upton – As frequent commenter, Carnac, said, “Question: Sounds like my last 6 Friday nights. Answer: How about B.J.? 0-for-6 with 3 strikeouts.”
Wei-Yin Chen – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 4.00. I got to thinking about hype and Darvish and how maybe the less hype a player has coming from overseas the better off we might be. But that didn’t lead me anywhere good because there were quite a few marginal players coming here that were just eh and held their end of the deal. That train of thought did lead me to this. Not just that article, but almost all fearless forecasts/crystal ball craziness/outlandish outliers are wrong. But they throw it up — throw it up is the key phrase here — with the guise that it’s bonkers and it remains bonkers so… Well, what’s the point? Really, I have no idea. Anyone could say Tyler Colvin is going to hit 40 homers with the Cubs in 2011, but only one person actually did say that, your head ESPN fantasy analyst.
Mark Reynolds – 1-for-5, 2 Ks. Mini Donkey giveth, Mini Donkey as the fantasy Grim Reaper scythe it away.
Chris Davis – 3-for-4, the other hitting star from the protracted game. And now Bill James is protracted.
Jason Hammel – The MRI showed no new injury, which means the pain is from the old injury, I guess. Either way, he has no timetable to return to pitching, which means his owners have a similar timetable for bitching.
Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. Probably a one start thing for Lynn since Carpenter and Westbrook are supposed to return. Either way, I wouldn’t go near Lynn hoping he’s going to recapture his early season glory. Now I think I’m going down to the well tonight and I’m going to drink ’til I get my fill…
Jason Kipnis – 1-for-5 with his 14th homer. Member when he was on pace for 25 homers? Ah, those were the days. We were younger then, and you had more hair.
Matt LaPorta – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs with his 1st homer. Not in this game, though that wouldn’t have been a record. At one point, some people thought LaPorta could’ve been a perennial 25 homer guy, but Grady Sizemore ran into his shadow, hurt his knee and the Indians got seven years of bad luck. LaPorta has hit .400 in the last week, but he gets Verlander today, so I’d hold another day before looking to pick him up. No, he won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, thanks for asking.
Joe Nathan – 0 IP, 3 ER and two homers to blow his 2nd save. He’s in no danger of losing the job, but he just weathered the Arlington heat (pun point!) and with only two blown saves and a 2.83 ERA he’s on borrowed time.
Adrian Beltre – 2-for-3, 2 runs the same day he went for a shoulder MRI. Are we sure someone didn’t hypnotize Beltre to think it’s a contract year?
Brett Anderson – 6 2/3 IP, 5 ER vs. the Los Angeles Angels Of A Forty Minute Commute From Los Angeles. When Anderson first returned, I said to stay away because he’d need some time to come back from TJ surgery, but then he rattled off four straight quality starts and I was like, “Aw, sook!” Looking closer at those starts, they were against the Mariners, Po’ Sawx, Indians and Twins. Not exactly murderer’s row. Not even manslaughter’s row. He gets the Tigers next, and I’d move on. I will now call him BA Bupkis.
Yoenis Cespedes – Left yesterday’s game with a wrist injury. A’s are calling it day-to-day, which is better than minute-to-minute or month-to-month.
Jered Weaver – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks in his return to the rotation from his sore shoulder. Will be interesting to see how January Grey feels about Weaver. January Grey, “That’s more on February Grey. Oh, and could you wire me some money? Turns out asking a female if she needs a ride is ‘solicitation.’ Who knew?”
Torii Hunter – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. Brandon Phillips said that Jared Hughes asked if Torii Hunter was going to pay to replace that home run ball, and when Torii said no, Jared shrugged, saying, “See? He’s not going to replace it.”
Jose Altuve – 2-for-5 with his 30th steal, while carrying a .290 average. Not bad for a guy who’s four-eleven.
Lorenzo Cain – 1-for-3 with his 10th steal. He has 4 steals in the last ten days and two homers. Yeah, of course, he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell. Luke Scott, Ty Wigginton or Lorenzo Cain have to appear in every Buy/Sell. That shizz is law.
Ryan Doumit – Has a strained rib cage muscle. That’s a weird thing to find in a colander.
Trevor Plouffe – 2-for-4 with his 21st homer. Plouffe goes the iPhone 5!
Phil Hughes – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. He was beautiful in his start yesterday, but can we stop for a second and look at the Po’ Sawx lineup? James Loney is batting third?! Podsednik is their DH exclamation exclamation exclamation! Their third baseman has never hit more than 6 homers in any minor league season, teenaged girl texting exclamation! The Po’ Sawx look like they had a nearsighted scout assemble this team, then had Madoff sell off any of the shiny objects, leaving them with a bunch of dull corn that was passed through a colon. The 1920 Red Sox had more spring in their full-body men’s swimsuits.