Fantasy Baseball Advice

Sometimes we use big words here at Razzball. Or made up words. Or big, made up words. Or acronyms. Or big, made up acronyms that don’t mean anything to anyone, even us. If you’ve been reading for a while, you probably know the fantasy baseball terms that follow. If you’re new, or old with a bad memory, then this might be a helpful list of some frequently used terms. This is not a definitive list of definitions and will be updated frequently. (Or when we get a chance.) If you have a glossary suggestion, submit it in our Fantasy Baseball Forums.

! – Exclamation point usually indicates sarcasm. “Eric Karabell is ESPN’s top fantasy analyst!”

Aaron Hill Fan Club Meeting – A place no one shows up to.

Analcysts - Ex players hired by ESPN that provide discomfort for fellow baseball analysts and the viewing audience. Prone to obvious observations “Dunn is strong!” or circular arguments like “He’s a good player because he knows how to play good in situations where it’s important to be good. And that’s why he’s a good player.”

Balbonis - Any portly hitter - usually a 1B. Renowned for their power and lack of speed. Usually strikeout a lot. Not much shelf life. See Steve Balboni, Ron Hamelin, Ryan Howard, Prince Fielder, Cecil Fielder

Beerer Goggles - A pitcher or hitter who looks good when your options are scarce. “Does Joe Inglett look good to you? Or do I have on some Beerer Goggles?” In honor of Scott Beerer, the Colorado Rockies pitcher who retired in 2006 with a lifetime record of 3-5, 4.82 ERA and 1.68 WHIP. (full credit to Razzball commenter, Knighttown)

The Big FraGu – Franklin Gutierrez

Blahtoon – Rabelo/Treanor; any combination in the Cardinals middle infield.

Blanco Polanco – Jeff Keppinger

Bowden Fluffer - A young, nubile outfielder that gets one all excited about their 5 tools. Rarely lives up to the promise. See Elijah Dukes, Adam Jones, Cameron Maybin, Delmon Young, Felix Pie, et. al. Named after Reds and Nationals GM Jim Bowden who has a boner for these types of players.

C-Guile – Carlos Guillen. “C-Guile is sneaky fast.”

Car-Ma – Carlos Marmol. “At some point Car-Ma will catch up to Kerry Wood.”

Chad Cordero – When someone simultaneously looks like he’s twelve years old and a child molester. Might be the low-hat-wearing-brim thing. “My neighbor’s a total Chad Cordero.”

Charbonooooo! - A night or a season where your team starts off great but goes completely downhill from there. Named after Indian Joe Charboneau who had a great rookie year but did nothing after that.

Cleveland Streamer - When a pitcher you picked up for a stream start craps all over your team’s stats. “I picked up Wakefield because he was going against the Royals and he gave me a Cleveland Streamer. It’s going to take a week to clean the mess he left on my ERA and WHIP.” (assist to Razzball commenter Hank)

Country Strong – Adam Dunn, Jim Thome, et al.

Cream of the crap – The top hitter for a weak position. “Geovany Soto is looking like the cream of the crap.”

Cuddle Boy - Relievers who are good with holds but fail anytime they try to close. See Rafael Betencourt, Kyle Farnsworth, the kid from American Virgin who pays for the abortion of a girl his friend knocked up and then, when she’s recovered, goes back to that guy.

Cust kayin’ – Fantasy Baseball version of Just sayin’. “There’s two body types for relievers, tall and slender and tall and fat. The tall and fat ones are on everyone’s list to get injured, while the tall and slender ones are the ones that do get injured. The tall and fat ones end up pitching until they are forty-five. Cust kayin’.”

Derek Jeter - Proof that you can’t have an ugly mulatto child. Example: Roseanne Barr and George Foster can give birth to a swimsuit model.

Disgraceful List - What DL stands for when a player goes on it after a conspicuously bad run of hitting/pitching. See V-Mart, Ian Snell.

Dr. Freeze - Nickname for Dr. James Andrews as anyone going to see him is going to be on ice for 12-18 months. Francisco Liriano went to Dr. Freeze in 2006 and he’s still not fully thawed. See Hangin’ With Teddy Ballgame. (assist to BSUjam).

Double D’d- Being stacked in one position. It’s a nice luxury to have, but usually requires a reduction to compensate for other weaknesses. E.g., I was Double D’d at 1B, but had to downsize to fix up my busted staff. (assist to BSUJam)

Dustied - When a pitcher has been left in too long.

ESPN Hindsighter – ESPN Insider

Fat Dontrelle – C.C. Sabathia. See resemblance.

FEMAs - Closers that are paid to provide relief but are woefully equipped. Rumored not to care about black people.

Fingercuffed or Fingercuffing – In relation to fantasy baseball, it’s when you have a player on a regular team and also on your Razzball team, which rewards overall crappiness. “I’m fingercuffed to Mark Reynolds.”

Flat-Billed Pitchypus - Rare species of pitcher whose hat brim is perfectly flat and either covers their full forehead - exposing only glaring eyes - or is tilted to the side. This species is prone to early success and a quick fade once the shock has warned off. See Dontrelle Willis, Chad Cordero, Shawn Chacon.

Forsters - Any portly pitcher. Renowned for being surprisingly athletic given their weight - despite the fact they are indeed athletes and, thus, by definition should be athletic. Seem more likely to be lefty than righty. See Terry Forster (infamous as being called by Letterman a ‘tub of goo’), LaMarr Hoyt, David Wells, CC Sabathia, Rich Garces.

Fucking Your Stepsister - Rooting for your fantasy player when he faces your favorite team. While it may be tempting and you can try all you want to justify it, you know its incestuous. (assist to Razzball commenter PWNightmare)

Fumethrower - One-time flamethrowing reliever that continue to pitch after they can no longer throw the gas. Some have been known to coast downhill for years. See Trevor Hoffman, Troy Percival, Jose Mesa. (assist to Razzball commenter Get Figgy With It)

Futility Player - Someone eligible for multiple positions but doesn’t warrant a starting position in any - e.g., Marlon Anderson, Brendan Ryan, Marco Scutaro, Ramon Vazquez etc. Tony LaRussa hearts these players.

Greek God of Roto – Nick Markakis. See Grey’s love for Markakis.

Greinke’d - When a pitcher gets hit so bad it makes you go a little batty. In honor of Zach Greinke. “Ian Snell gave up 7 runs in a third of an inning. I’ve been Greinke’d!” Can also be used as a synonym for crazy.

Hangin’ With Teddy Ballgame - When a player gets hurt and is going to be on ice for a long time. “You can tell by the way the pitcher was clutching his elbow that he was going to be hanging’ with Teddy Ballgame for a year or so.” See Dr. Freeze.

Homeschooling - Hitter or pitcher who is comfortable at home, but is a mess on the road. See also Road Scholar.

Jobacum – Max Scherzer

Jockular Sphincteritis - Any injury from sack to back that initiates laughing and wincing at the same time. See Chris Snyder’s testicular fracture, Kaz Matsui’s anal fissures, Carlos Guillen’s raging hemorrhoids, Felix Pie’s testicular torsion. (assist to KarlJ)

Jokey Smurf’d - When you receive a gift-wrapped package in a trade only for it explode in your face because of injury or a player’s poor performance. See video for further explanation (as if any is necessary). Example: He gift-wrapped Aaron Harang to me for two crappy players but it looks like I got Jokey Smurf’d. (assist to mikeisalegend)

Kazaams - Situations where closers are brought into a non-save situation and have no idea how to act. The results aren’t pretty.

K2 - A mountain whose peak is only reached when one of your Fantasy pitchers throws a quality start with ten or more Ks and only gives up three solo home runs and all three solo shots are by your hitters.

KazIwadome – Any Japanese player.

Krispie Young – Phonetic pronunciation of Chris B. Young to help avoid confusion with the tall San Diego pitcher.

Krispie Young Sr. – Mike Cameron

A Latin 32 – Hispanic players regularly lie about their age, so you need to add seven years to their coped to age. (Like if you moved to another country you wouldn’t go by whatever age you could pass for. BTW, I’m twenty-two in the Dominican Republic.) Example: A Latin 32 would be 39 years old.

Leftosaurus - A lefty pitcher over 40 years old that gets by on craftiness and 8 variations of changeup. Prone to the homer ball and hitting the showers before the 7th inning. See Jamie Moyer, Tom Glavine. (assist to Razzball commenter pOrk burn)

Middling Infielder - Middle infielder that puts up okay stats across the board, but gets people irrationally exuberant come draft time. Usually once had speed or hinted at 20 HR power - see Edgar Renteria, Orlando Cabrera.

MR. B (Middle Reliever Believer) - A fantasy baseball player that loves middle relievers to a borderline unhealthy degree for speculative saves and ERA/WHIP help. “Hey Mr. B - how long you going to waste bench spots on Zumaya and Rodney?” (full credit to Razzball commenter IowaCubs)

Nattie Lights - Watered down talents that are better than nothing and can be had on the cheap - e.g, V-Mart is out and all the top-shelf catchers are gone. I’m going to pick up a Nattie Light like Jesus Flores and hope it gets me drunk… (assist to lincecumshot)

NOTA - None of the above. Helpful acronym when someone offers you a pick of several crappy players in a trade or asks which one of several crappy FA options should they choose.

Old is as old does – Trevor Hoffman, Frank Thomas, et al.

Pronk’d - You think you’re drafting an All-Star and you get an All-Suck. “I drafted Hafner and Rich Hill. Damn, I was Pronk’d!” (full credit to Razzball commenter, BaronVonVulturewins)

Pulling a Kotchman – When someone’s on the DL for longer than expected. Origin, Casey Kotchman was out with mono for a year and a half.

Razz – To taunt. “If I wanted to razz Tony LaRussa, I’d drive slowly past his house wearing an endangered mongoose fur coat.”

Razztastic – A supremely crappy performance. “Seven earned runs in a third of an inning for Wasburn. Now that’s Razztastic.”

Razzterful – See Razztastic.

Red State Jeter – Josh Beckett

Renteria – Nothing Penicillin and a trade couldn’t fix.

Ricky from My So Called Life – Carlos Beltran. See resemblance.

Rip-Cord - Chad Cordero. Any team with him at this point in his career can only plummet. Pull him to ease your landing.

Road Scholar - Hitter or pitcher who is brilliant on the road, but is a moron at home.

Roofie - A rookie pitcher who fails to deliver on their tremendous K potential and, instead, abuses your trust and violates your ERA and WHIP.

SAGNOF - Steals/Saves Ain’t Got No Face

Schmohawk - Any less than desirable player. “I can’t pick up Jones. I already got three schmohawks on my bench.”

Scott Downs’ Syndrome - Successful late inning reliever whose progress is retarded by other bullpen mates.  After Scott Downs who has had a sub 2.00 ERA for the Jays from 2007-2008.  (full credit to Denys)

; (Semicolon) - Bartolo Colon. A punctuation mark signifiying a pregnant pause - one that should be taken literally and figuratively before starting this former Cy Young Award winner who is clearly half the pitcher he once was (talent-wise, anyway). (full credit to BaronVonVulturewins)

Sparkakis – When Nick Markakis hits a home run.

Shizz – Shit.

Sonavabench! - Exclamation when one sees that a player on their bench has had a monster day. Can also be used as a noun or adjective. “David Murphy just hit 2 HR but I didn’t start him today - sonavabench!” “It doesn’t matter what I do - my team is a spiteful sonavabench”. “Shoot me now - my fantasy team just had a killer sonavabench day.” (assist to Razzball commenter pOrk burn)

Sweatshop Foreman - Manager who laughs at suggest ‘pitch count’ labor laws and squeezes what he can out of his pitchers. See Dusty Baker, John Gibbons. “Billy Martin was such a Sweatshop Foreman that his pitchers made custom cleats for Rickey.”

Taipei Slinklo – Joe Nathan’s nickname. It is significant only in its randomness. For someone who is as vanilla as Joe Nathan, he needs some random ethnicity. “Hey, Taipei Slinklo, you gonna save this game?” “Pho sho!”

The Town that Bobby Grich Built – Anaheim

Tied To The WHIPping Post - When a pitcher’s defense tortures him with errors leading to a final stat line that’s ok on ERA but horrid on WHIP - e.g., “Man! Ponson tied me to the WHIPping post last night. 1.50 ERA but 2.50 WHIP! Why is Jeter still playing shortstop?” (co-credits to Denys and Hebrew Hammer)

Tootise’d - Jinxed so bad the guy might die. Origin: In honor of Sidney Pollack, who Grey mentioned in a post then he died the next day.

Weepstakes - Any popular waivers pick up that doesn’t live up to expectations and leaves you regretting the wasted top waiver pick. See Cueto, Scherzer, Kershaw, etc.  Example:  I won the Eugenio Velez weepstakes. Netted me a .125 average and .5 steals. Fun times! (full credit to Denys)

Wickmen - Joe Borowski, Todd Jones, etc. In honor of Bob Wickman.

Yawnstipate – A portmanteau of yawn and constipate. It’s the act of feeling like you’re going to yawn from someone’s stats but not quite there. “Polanco yawnstipates me.”