Greeting all, and welcome to another thrilling post centered on points leagues. Never forget the fact that points leagues’ stats almost always translate into Roto success as well so don’t feel blackballed or ashamed for reading these posts. You don’t have to conceal it from your Roto playing friends anymore. There are millions of Roto players trapped in the proverbial closet who are dying to announce their true desires and join points leagues. Your parents and close friends may know, but it’s time to let the whole world in on the secret. I love points leagues for the fact we don’t have to roster the likes of Taylor Clippard or Dave Robertson, and again I ask you to now to come out the closet and join the fastest growing type of fantasy baseball league. Given Sky’s rapaciousness for adding hot young studs on the waiver wire, I’d say he’s a prime candidate to be Razzball’s second openly points league playing writer. It’s Ok SKY!!! Let it be known, young stallion. You were meant for oh so much more than a 7th place finish in Roto scoring. Before I get carried away (if that didn’t already happen) let’s move on to the girth of what these posts are truly about: The playas.
Matt Wieters – With 17.5 points through Thursday the man whose college teammates at Georgia Tech referred to as “God” is having a beautiful week and I fully expect it to continue. Now this is one of my all time favorite stories so I will include the link here. If you’ve forgotten the hype surrounding this former golden boy, please refresh your memories by reading that article. “God” was quoted in saying “I set expectations for myself. And they’re high expectations. Godly expectations. That’s what I’m working hard every day for. It’s to live up to my expectations and to truly become universally known as God throughout the world.” I may have doctored that quote a bit but anytime players refer to someone as “God,” and these are players at a high level university mind you, playing against the best competition their entire lives, so again, if they refer to someone as “God” I tend to believe Wieters is special talent like few others. I repeat, Wieters’ teammates referred to him as “God.” GOD!!!! I have never and will never get over this, obviously, which may be why I continue to draft him high every single year. The walk-off grand slam Thursday night was not for the feint of heart. Millions of woman across the world simultaneously orgasmed as that ball was obliterated out of Camden Yards, Gilpin included. I tell you here and now, we are witnessing the re-emergence of “God.” He has risen! Sing Hallelujah, sing Hallelujah!
Buster Posey – Posey was last season, what “God” was supposed to be. “Never again, never again” sang the angels down from Heaven. With 3 points, on the week and 0 homers on the season, Buster is making contact with fewer balls than Britney Griner. We all know he can and will turn it around at some point, just don’t expect what you obtained from him last season.
El Oso Blanco – Has anyone purchased the movie rights to “the White Bear’s” story yet? Quitting baseball and wandering the vast lands of the United States in search of life’s true meaning? Discovering he was meant to play baseball years later, and returning to the sport only to dominate like he never left it? What an amazing tale to be cherished for many a life time. This reminds me of when I was stripping for a living down in Mexico, even occasionally jerking off a donkey or 2. One day I received a solitary piece of mail, delivered by courier pigeon as we had no other way of sending messages down there. The letter had no return address, nor did it say who it was from. What it did contain, was Grey’s very first Razzball article, and that very next day I said good riddance to those donkey wangs and adoring female fans, and set off to become a fantasy baseball writer. Ok, I’m lying. I jerked one more mule before I left, but I needed money for chalupas and churros for my long journey back to the states.
After witnessing Gattis’s game winning home run last night, I am officially hooked. I know they have Freeman and McCann returning shortly but I don’t see how they can keep this “bear” out of the lineup. Ride him while you can and hope he sticks. My gut says he will.
Ross Detwiler – Asking me if I think Detwiler is the real deal is like asking R. Kelly if he likes urinating on the faces and in the mouths of teenage girls. I’ve been on the bandwagon since last year and I’m never getting off baby! One might assume I’m joking, but one would be wrong as “Det” dropped 25.5 points in his start this week and he’s only given up 2 runs thus far in 20 innings. Obviously Ross is not a K monster by any means but he just gets the job done. He should be owned in all leagues. Ross is Boss.
Tony Cingrani – 17 points in your first major league start is nothing to blow your nose at, but maybe to blow your load to. Cincy has a nice pitching staff but a couple more starts like this and it would be hard to send him down. My guess is that once he faces a real lineup and not the Marlins, he will get lit up, but I’ve been proven wrong before. Only once, but still, that means there’s a chance. Why I do like this young Italian better than Jose Fernandez, is the fact that he plays on an offensively stacked team and has a chance to win every game he starts, whereas Fernandez can easily get you those negative 5 points that comes with a loss since he has those pathetic Marlin position players behind him.
Dougie Fister – I once loved Fister like a brother but it’s hard when he’s dominating me in unspeakable ways in multiple head to head matchups this week. I think NFL star Kerry Rhodes’s lover says it best: “If he loved me like a brother, then he F#!@ed me like a wife.” Powerful words my friend. Powerful words. Anyhoo, Douglas has a nice lineup behind him and is one of the more underrated pitchers in baseball. Start with confidence. The moral of this story you may humbly ask? Never F!@# your brother. Things can get weird.
Mike Trout – Ahhh, the one they call “the fish.” With a solid 9 points already this week, Trout is now frothing at the mouth like Magic Johnson’s kid at a “Thunder From Down Under” after hours show. If your wife or girlfriend was there in the mid 2000’s I more than likely had my shaft in her hand… at the very least. I was the star attraction back then so don’t go all Chris Brown on your chick Ok? I’m expecting Trout to explode as he was my preseason MVP pick for a reason. It is time.
Mike Stanton – That shoulder injury had me quivering like Christian Slater after he found out he absolutely sucked as an actor, but everything seems a go now as “Giancarlo” is back in the lineup. He may even decide to park one this week. But as I said last week, don’t expect anyone to pitch to this kid, or for him to reach 100 plus rbi’s.
Dominic Brown – Once knighted by me as “Sir Dominic,” I have since stripped him of title and dumped him upon the stank trash heap of waiver wire bums. I’m positively sickened by the fact Brown hasn’t been able to reach even a tenth of his potential in the big leagues and I just can’t take the heartache anymore. I suggest you do as I did and be as I be.
David Wright – Quietly having a nice start to the season. I don’t pay much attention to guys I never even consider drafting but Wright has 24 points already this week and may be in line for a big season. Until he gets hurt anyway.
Barry Zito – Did you know that going into his last start, Zito was on an 11 game winning streak? Did you know myself, and countless others who have despised him and spit on the ground he walks upon, finally gave in and added him for his last start against a meager Brewers lineup? Did you know Zito have up 9 earned runs in 2 and 2/3 of an inning? Did you know he gave up a grand slam to Yuniesky Betancourt, one of the worst hitters in all of baseball? Did you know I’m back to hating him with the passion and fury of one million burning suns? Did you know that I’m going to advise you to drop him if for some reason you have not already? Well if you didn’t know, now you know.
Matt Cain – What’s wrong with Matt Cain? No, this isn’t another paragraph of questions, though that’s an intriguing thought. Putting up a goose egg this week after that dud two starts ago is not cool Matty. Not cool at all. That being said, Cain will be fine going forward and put these flaccid performances behind him, never to be thought of again. A nice thing about head to head leagues right? If it’s in the past, it’s forgotten. Don’t panic.
Thank you for joining me on this magical journey and as always your comments will be responded to in a timely fashion. We may speak on baseball of course, but also life, love, fine wines or even donkeys. Have a blessed weekend my friends. May “God” bless you.