Baseball, hot dogs, apple pies, Chevrolet and the Naked Gun trilogy? What’s more American than that? As the love for the aforementioned things has dwindled, so has appreciation and remembrance of the Naked Gun series, which is easily the best spoof series of all time. Young Frankenstein was one and done. Robin Hood: Men in Tights? One time deal. I could go on, but I won’t. Flipping through the channels a few days ago, my mind was totally blown that HBO had decided to show all the Naked Gun movies…..BACK TO BACK TO BACK. How could I say no? Diligently working on this article only to be sidetracked, and now I can’t get it off my mind. How to incorporate the films into a post to do with fantasy baseball points leagues? The answer never really hit me, but I just couldn’t help sharing that information with you. I suppose including some quotes from the movies will suffice. If this concept bothers you, then maybe you need to look in the mirror and realize you’re not a true American. I am a patriot and the Naked Gun shall live on, forever timeless. Now to some baseball.
Buster Posey — Posey is hotter than Ryan Tannehill’s wife right now! His daily point totals for the past 8 games read like so : 6, 12, 8, 4, 6, 6, 5, 2. Blasting five home runs in eight games has put Poser right in the thick of the NL MVP race, in my opinion. I thought he was more of a limp stick kind of guy but the man is going hard and mashing.
Mayor: Now Drebin, I don’t want any trouble like you had on the South Side last year, that’s my policy.
Frank: Well, when I see five weirdos, dressed in togas, stabbing a man in the middle of the park in full view of a hundred people, I shoot the bastards, that’s *my* policy!
Mayor: That was a Shakespeare-In-The-Park production of “Julius Caesar,” you moron! You killed five actors! Good ones!
How was I to know?? I was drafting on instinct. Buster Posey has surpassed all expectations that I had for him, not only this season, but for his whole career. The kid can play ball.
Nelson Cruz — As Dreben so eloquently put it, Cruz is “part of a dying breed, like American people who can name all 50 states.” The dying breed I am referring to is the 30-something-year-old outfielders who still have 30 plus homer power with the chance at double digit steals. Cruz is somewhat of a forgotten entity, though he is usually drafted in rounds 4-6. Shame on us for forgetting this golden child. The man is about to go on a tear. I can smell it, like a wolverine on the hunt for small mammals.
His latest daily point totals of 6, 8, 1, -1, 2, 6, 3, 7 show that he, like Richard Gere at a gerbil farm, is ready to fill it up! A prime trade candidate indeed. That is unless, of course, your trade deadline has passed and if that’s the case, you’re out of luck my friends. Like a blind man at an orgy, you’re going to have to feel your way through.
Justin Morneau — “I haven’t had this much sex since I was a boy scout leader.” Morneau is more than likely experiencing similar erotic conquests as Lt. Dreben did, only, more likely, like he got it when he was an MVP caliber player, not when he was a boy scout leader (although maybe he was a boy scout leader also??). Oh wait, Morneau is married………. buuuut that never seems to stop professional athletes. Plus he could always blame in on the Canadian beer. Stuff is like moonshine.
The numbers don’t lie. Take a look for yourself: 3, 9, 3, 2, 16, 2, -1. Was that a 16 in there? Yes it was. The thought of picking up this pigeon, who I thought was washed up, makes my stomach churn, but right now he’s definitely a better option than Eric Hosmer. Morneau is seemingly, finally over whatever issues his concussion caused him. I was highly concerned he was moving to Jason Bay territory, but now it looks like he’s on his way to an Adam Dunn type turnaround. Witness.
Felix Hernandez- “Blowing away a fleeing suspect with my 44 magnum used to be everything to me. I enjoyed it, well who wouldn’t?” This must be how King Felix feels like after throwing a nine inning gem. Take a look at the King’s point totals from his past ten starts; 19, 27, 39, 8, 18, 41, 21, 20, 16, 34. It truly doesn’t get much better than that. I don’t even know what it feels like to have one of my pitchers drop 41 points. It’s making me angry just thinking about it. You don’t need me to tell you how awesome Hernandez is, but I’m doing it anyway. So there.
Don’t think I forgot about the bums of baseball. Guys who are deflating our teams like Andre the Giant (RIP) sitting on an air mattress. Below are the chosen for the week. They have reaped what they’ve sewn…..
Vance Worley — I want a world where I can have faith in a 2-start pitcher with 2 home games. I want a world where my pitchers don’t magically lose all their strikeout capabilities. “I want a world where I can eat a sea otter without getting sick.” Are these things too much to ask for?
I once felt lucky to have drafted Worley late in one of my drafts, but ever since it was discovered he had loose bone chips in his elbow, he’s been half the man he used to be. Worley is now as bad a pitcher as Ryan Lochte is an interviewee. Why do I continue to ride with this has-been? No longer I say.
Point totals of -13, 6, 13, 1, 5, -9, 19, -9 just aren’t cutting it. And yes, you saw a 19 in there but when you take a closer look, you realize Worley had ZERO k’s in that performance and was just extremely lucky. This man is “more embarrassing to the United States than Tonya Harding.” Dump at will.
Justin Upton — “My wife’s a transexual satan worshipper.” Let’s put it this way; I’d rather be Ted, the police squad scientist with tranny satan worshipper wife, than own Justin Upton on any of my fantasy teams. The man has underachieved this season more than Lindsay Lohan and Christian Slater combined. He almost, somehow, makes his brother B.J. Upton, who is a perenially underachiever, look like an overachiever. NINE HOME RUNS?????? This from a so-called man who was supposed to challenge for the MVP this season? I am appalled. How appalled? This is more appalling than Prince William going bald. Shout out to Bill Walton.
The numbers underwhelm like Tracy Morgan on the big screen. Here they are for the past week or so; 1, 4, 0, 3, -1, 3. Lt. Dreben once said “all I know is, never bet on the white guy.” In this particular case he’d be downright wrong. He couldn’t be no wronger!
So there you have it. A fantasy blog post including many fabulous quotes from The Naked Gun. I’m sure you’re all enthralled. Leave your complaints below……. See you next week.