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I would do anything for a title. I would do anything for a title. (Sing with me guys!) I wooooould doooo anythiiiiiing for a title. But starting middle relievers in fantasy baseball?? Oh no I WON’T DO THAT!(Bring the music in). I had to go “Meatloaf” on you there. It worked for the post and let’s be honest with ourselves, the man is the greatest musical talent to ever walk this wondrous earth. I shouldn’t even have to mention the dedication “loaf” put into growing those fabulous b!itch tits for his breakout role in Fight Club, but I will. Anyway the point here is that I despise the fact that middle relievers are used in fantasy baseball in any type of league. Having to pick up these bums to compete in roto scoring is the definition of ingloriousness. Is fantasy baseball not about stars and and unearthing breakout gems? Is it not about giving extreme verbal abuse to all of your opponents? Correct me if I’m wrong here. Actually don’t, because it surely won’t change my opinion. Truth be told, I can’t respect you as a man if you have more than one middle reliever on your squad. There is only 8th inning guy on this planet that I respect, and he goes by the name of Kenley Jansen. Brandon League starting over Jansen, is a bigger joke than Hillary Clinton running for President. How dare the Dodgers brass remove the 3rd best closer in baseball, behind only Kimbrel and Chapman, for this limp armed proven loser. I’m getting off track again, sorry.

This middle reliever phenomenon may take me out of roto leagues for good, and just stick with points leagues. Owning middle relievers in points leagues is like saying our podcast host, Nick Capozzi, looks hotter than me oiled up in a g-string. Laughable, I know. Starters and closers is what it’s all about and it’s taken my love for head-to-head points leagues to new heights. We don’t start punters in fantasy football so why middle relievers? It’s a travesty and I want it abolished from leagues worldwide. Dear Mr. Obama, though you’ve accomplished nothing of worth during your presidency, enacting this law would make me a supporter for life.

Points leagues allow us the opportunity to enjoy all the exciting parts of the game and give us the ability to not have to worry about childish things like owning Tyler Clippard. Just thinking about it makes me vomit. If you attempt to do this in points leagues, “You will lose.” I would do anything for a title, but I won’t do that.

Here’s a group of players who’s play caught my attention this week. Check it out ya’ll.

Giancarlo Stanton - Stanton has scored 1 run on the season to go along with an impressive ZERO homers, and ZERO RBI’s. Nice production for a first round draft pick eh? To be honest, I felt Mike, eeerrr, I mean Giancarlo was a little overhyped, not because he isn’t a one of God’s most beautiful and talented creations, but because he sits dead in the middle of one of the worst lineups I’ve ever witnessed. Not only does he more than likely not want to be there anymore, but pitchers have no reason to throw him anything hittable. The numbers projected for Stanton will be  almost impossible to reach on this squad, and I would expect him to get the Barry Bonds treatment all season long. I’m sure he will still hit a ton of bombs but don’t expect over 100 rbi’s or a great batting average. We in points leagues, are also penalized for striking out, something those peons in roto scoring know nothing about. So no steals, no homers, no RBI’s, and 1 run? Not the start we were hoping for as that doesn’t add up to very many points. On the bright side, he’s still more productive than Pedro Alvarez. I should have my balls removed for drafting that guy.  Anyway, keep the faith in Stanton, but I’m a little concerned. As should you be………..

Jed Lowrie – Let me start out by saying, that if Lowrie plays 150 games this season, he will the draft’s biggest steal of the year. Being able to plug him into the shortstop slot is truly a gift from Odin. The ruler of Asgard brings us many blessings, but this could be the grandest of them all. With 10 1/2 points already put up this week “Uncle Jed” may lead myself and countless others to glory. His career is going in reverse of Adam Sandler’s and I expect big things.

Justin Upton - The way Upton dropped in my points leagues absolutely blew my mind. Yes, the bath salts may have had something to do with that, it’s downright criminal to get this phenom in the 3rd round. He is know to strike out but I believe in my heart that the younger Upton will smash over 40 homers this year. Winning the MVP is not out of the question as you couldn’t ask for a better start. Upton has 14.5 points this week and I’m thinking he gets 25 minimum as he swings a mightier stick than the almighty Mandingo himself.

Josh Johnson - Johnson was a real spark plug for the Blue Jays last night. Did I say spark plug? I meant butt plug. Going for -15.5 points is tough to do, but Joshua managed to do just that. It’s early, but the Marlins owner looks like a genius for dumping this washed up trash on Toronto. Johnson got bent over and blasted harder than Justin Beiber would locked up in Pelican Bay. “Shoe program #%@#*.” That clip makes me want to do next week’s post based on Training Day. But this isn’t about “The Beibs” or Training Day, this is about Josh Johnson sucking Hyena D!ck. Wait till he has a cupcake matchup before starting him again.

Barry Zito - Just like Stella, Zito has got his groove back and I’m buying the production. You can go back to the playoffs last year and see that something clicked for this young man. With 52 points in just 2 starts Zito is a must own and start at this point. Maybe he started spending less time playing agonizingly annoying tunes on his guitar and actually started working on being the kind of player a team would spend exuberant amounts of cash on to bring him in as a free agent. I’ve lost track of how many years ago San Fran signed this quirky individual. What I do know is that they would have been better off spending that money on hookers and blow. That is, until now anyway. But seriously, what have they paid him already? 75 mill? That’s a lot of trips to the bunny ranch. Shizz, they could have sent every season ticket holder to the bunny ranch on a private jet and still not have spent that much money. That sounds like a winning promotion to me.

Aaron Hicks - Someone explain to me why Hicks is owned in any fantasy format that’s not at least 16 team leagues.

Troy Tulowitski - Hey, he’s not injured yet!!! That’s a good sign.

Roy Halladay - After two disastrous starts, Roy has a grand total of -8.5 fantasy points. Yikes! I’m sure “Doc” Halladay owners would like to put their sweaty huckleberries in his mouth and tell him to hum. I mean it truly might be over for this once proud warrior. It’s like Macaulay Culkin going from Home Alone 1 and 2, to Getting Even With DadI know that’s a little harsh, but it needed to be said. You can’t drop him and you probably can’t trade him for anything better than a “MIDDLE RELIEVER” so I would hold and pray nightly to Poseidon.

Mike Minor - Minor is hotter than fish grease as he’s totaled more than 20 points in both starts thus far. I had high hopes for the kid, drafting him in a couple leagues, and the Braves need a nice season from him. His problems usually occur in the 5th and 6th inning, but if he can tame that beast as I did my chicken, he could win 15 games this season and finish with 180 k’s or so.

Justin Masterson - The Master-Bator has been ejaculating all over the opposition in his first two starts of the year en route to 51.5 fantasy points. He issues a scary amount of walks but makes up for it with double play balls and get’s a reasonable amount of strikeouts. I had hopes of a bounce back season for this former ace. So far he’s proving me a prophet, and for that, I thank him.

Jeremy Hellickson - Remember years ago when Hellickson was  supposed to be the next ace of the Rays? I can tell you right now he never will be. “Hell-boy” is very hittable and produces a laughable amount of K’s. Looking at his 5.5 total points on the season makes me cringe. Kind of like that time I saw Sky showering in the Razzball locker room. His wang was lookin like a pop corn shrimp. There are some visions you can never erase no matter how many therapy sessions you attend.

Chris Davis - With another couple jacks this week, CD is launching an assault on Barry Bond’s single season home run record. I’ll bet JayWrong’s life he breaks it.

Annnnnnyhoooo, that’s it for this week’s point’s league post. As per usual, your comments, concerns, and questions will answered in a timely fashion so please feel free. Sing it with me one more time would you please? I WOOOOOOULD DOOOOO ANNNNNNNYTHIIIIIING FOR A TITLE, BUT I WON’T DO THAT! OH NO, NO I WON’T DO THAT. Please start chastising these middle reliever owners for they do not belong in the arena with true titans. If you start middle relievers you deserve to be treated like George Michael at a highway rest stop. Google it. Beddict out.

From Around The Web

  1. Wallpaper Paterson says:
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    What are the point values for your league?

    I would like to do a head-to-head points league again. I only did one in 2010. My team went 12-9-1 and missed the 4-team playoffs due to some bad luck. It was the second highest scoring team.

    I am in a RCL points league but it sort of sucks because it has weekly roster changes. You really only have to do anything on Sunday nights.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Wallpaper Paterson: im in head to head weekly srandard scoring in cbs and espn and they are both daily. Much better I woukd say

  2. Dave the Barber says:
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    Hey there good buddy,

    Why doesn’t Chris Carter have OF eligibility in ESPN leagues yet? C’MOOON MAAAN

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Dave the Barber: depends but im guessing its 10 minimum. Quite lame

      • Dave the Barber says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: Well he has ten games under his belt yet no OF after the 1B. I guess ESPN eligibility requirements are more like “guidelines” this season.

        • VinWins

          VinWins says:
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          @Dave the Barber: According to Baseball reference he has only 6 games in the OF this season.

  3. BTD says:
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    Halladay is on the waiver wire in a 16-team H2H keeper league… I’m having a hard time justifying dropping Wei-Yin Chen to grab him.

    Any arguments either way?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @BTD: now I like my wang better thann most. 16 teamer u must have some bum u can drop right? Buy yes I would swoop asap

      • BTD says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: Agreed. I’ll be using up my Astreamer slot (currently housing the esteemed Garrett Richards of LAA fortune). More of a mental excersize of Chen vs. Halladay…

  4. Charles says:
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    This is a great post even though I’m a chronic MR-bator in my h2h league.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Charles: thanks chuck. Glad u liked it

  5. MrMojoRisin says:
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    My local money league added holds as a stat 3yrs ago and it was generally well reviewed. The only complaints were from the usual last place teams who bemoaned having more players to learn.
    As for me I love it, our 10pt per save/hold format creates actual depth in the RP position even with 40 starting RPs.
    I am also in a league this year with a 10pt/save & 8pt/hold format with 30 starting RPs that I am liking right now.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @MrMojoRisin: yea I have no problem with it if holds are an actual category or u receive pointa for it otherwise its just sickening

  6. Frank Lynch says:
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    what up Tehol!!! Hey i was asking a couple guys.. Do you like AJ Griffen as a pickup? Also, Is Mark Reynolds worth keeping?

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Frank Lynch: whats up big dog?! I like Griffin yes and I would keep reynolds as well yes.

  7. Nico says:
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    I lost Greinke and went pretty heavy with hitting (and power) over pitching. In a 12 team, roto, would you trade Fowler and Stanton for Felix Hernandez and Kendrys Morales? I’d still have Fielder, Longoria, Castro, Choo, and Adam Jones anchoring the offense, and my next best pitcher is Peavy. Thanks!

    • Nico says:
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      @Nico: Actually, he made a 2nd offer, Felix and Trumbo for Stanton and Jim Henderson. I’m worried about Stanton in that lineup and I worry about my pitching, would you take either offer?

      • Tehol Beddict

        Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Nico: I like the second offer better. I would highly consider this as peavy isnt a true number one fantasy wise. SAGNOF so u good on giving up a closer rather than Fowler who is going to have career season

  8. Fratstar says:
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    Who would you recommend benching out of the following?
    Gallardo
    Bailey
    Griffin

    It’s a 10 mixed team H2H format set weekly. The other 4 spots are Cain, Wainwright, Samardzija, and Scherzer.

    Awesome post btw. The sexual the better.

  9. Tehol Beddict

    Tehol Beddict says:
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    Probably bench Bailey considering i dont trust him and he got rocked other day. Griffin might have a tougher matchup , so look that up and if Bailey has cupcake this week go him if not bench him.

    • Fratstar says:
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      @Tehol Beddict:

      Thanks. Keep on being sexy.

  10. Joel says:
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    1 for 1 trade. What is the value (a few names) for Yu Darvis?

    • Joel says:
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      @Joel: Darvish

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Joel: do you have Yuuuuu or are u trying to acquire Yu? I think he’s one of the best pitchers in the game, though I wished that sat him for his last start and let that blister heal. A friend of mine traded Gio and another pretty good player for him in a dynasty league before the year started. I like Yu better than King Felix and almost any other pitcher other than maybe Kershaw. I;m higher on Yu than most. is this a points league? are u trying to acquire a batter?

      • Joel says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: Yeah man, it’s a points league but not H2H. 12 team mixed keeper league (7 keepers). I’d love to acquire Darvish. I already have Hamels, Wainwright and Sabathia as my top 3 big arms (plus Jordan Zimmerman) but would truly enjoy a little better pitching staff. My bats are decent. Notables are Bruce, McCutchen, Trout (ortiz on the DL, who knows if he’ll shit the bed or not when he comes back). Pitching seems to win it in my league so…

        I know it’s early to start the trade wagon but hell, if Darvish takes off, there’s no telling what the value with be.

        • Tehol Beddict

          Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Joel: HIs value is astronomical as long as this fukin blister clears up. I like Darvish better than all of your other pitchers but that is a pretty solid staff I would say. zimmerman is incredible number 4. so are u trying to give up a pitcher or ur hitters for Yuuuuuu?

          • Joel says:
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            @Tehol Beddict:

            C Salvador Perez, KC C S
            1B Paul Konerko, CWS 1B, DH
            2B Neil Walker, Pit 2B S
            3B Martin Prado, Ari OF, 3B
            SS Alexei Ramirez, CWS SS
            2B/SS Chase Utley, Phi 2B S
            OF Andrew McCutchen, Pit OF S
            OF Mike Trout, LAA OF
            OF Jay Bruce, Cin OF S
            OF Michael Brantley, Cle OF
            OF Garrett Jones, Pit 1B, OF S
            UTIL J.P. Arencibia, Tor C !

            DL David Ortiz*, Bos DH DL15

            ———————————————–

            SP Cole Hamels, Phi SP PP
            SP Adam Wainwright, StL SP
            SP CC Sabathia, NYY SP
            SP Jarrod Parker, Oak SP
            SP Hyun-Jin Ryu, LAD SP PP
            RP Alexi Ogando, Tex SP, RP PP
            RP Kyuji Fujikawa*, ChC RP DL15

            Bench Jordan Zimmermann, Wsh SP
            Bench James McDonald, Pit SP
            Bench Kyle Lohse, Mil SP
            1B/3B Nick Swisher, Cle OF, 1B

            Gotta drop Fujikawa now. Here’s the current lineup.

            • Tehol Beddict

              Tehol Beddict says:
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              @Joel: i mean depends on the person but they may consider it for Jay Bruce or bruce and parker/ryu.

              Seems like ur only option if you want to acquire this legend from the land of the rising son

  11. C.O.C. says:
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    So I’ve been throwing this one around to Grey, but since its a 16 team H2H points league, let me get your thoughts: I have Greinke (ugh) and since this league is DEEP and there was a run on pitching in the draft, I had to start 3 closers out of the gate….I have Braun and J Upton, but until Greinke is back I have only Peavy, Samardjia (?), and Sanchez starting, and I have Nathan, Reed, Grili and League. I really don’t want to trade Upton, but in this situation I probably should, right? I have a deal right now that I could make happen: Upton for Matt Moore and anyone of Beltran, Pence, or Voctorino. What to do?

    • C.O.C. says:
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      @C.O.C.: Ha. Victorino, I meant….

      • Tehol Beddict

        Tehol Beddict says:
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        @C.O.C.: this is a tough one my friend. thats really not a bad opening 3 and im not sure trading for a potential elite pitcher is absolutely necessary. let me see the rest of ur lineup. for example im in a 16 team dynasty league and have such legends as villanueva, Quintana, and the great scott diamond on my team. points leagues are also good for streaming two start pitchers who arent owned. you just grab em early the week before or is your league daily. we can do this. I just need to know ur offense before I can give you consent on giving up upton who might become legend this season

        • C.O.C. says:
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          @Tehol Beddict: C-Jesus Montero 1B- Rizzo 2B Uggla 3B Machado SS-Espinosa OF Braun Upton and Markakis and UT/DH Ike Davis. Pitching: Greinke Peavy Samardsia Sanchez Nathan Grili Reed and League. I have several guys stashed that haven’t been called up yet like Straily and Garrit Cole. The one thing there is available on the wire are a few low-end closers.

          • Tehol Beddict

            Tehol Beddict says:
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            @C.O.C.: I probably would not trade upton but if you did I’d probably take Pence between those 3 as Beltran always is hurt and is old and I just not a huge victorino fan. man upton looks great. SO yea, either pull the trigger if you feel the need or play it out by streaming 2 start pitchers with decent matchups until the return of greinke

  12. Sheriff McRawDawg says:
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    I love this site…. “Johnson got bent over and blasted harder than Justin Beiber would locked up in Pelican Bay. ‘Shoe program #%@#*'” hahaha

  13. Nate says:
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    “Master-Bator has been ejaculating all over the opposition…” Enough said. Maybe it’s the Benchmark, but I literally LOLed.

  14. Lincecuminmypants says:
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    For all things razzball, can we not plug political agendas into fantasy opinions? Parts of this read like Ann Coulter and Matthew Berry had a baby and raised it in their basement on nothing but baseball, shame and crappy 90’s movies.

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