I would do anything for a title. I would do anything for a title. (Sing with me guys!) I wooooould doooo anythiiiiiing for a title. But starting middle relievers in fantasy baseball?? Oh no I WON’T DO THAT!(Bring the music in). I had to go “Meatloaf” on you there. It worked for the post and let’s be honest with ourselves, the man is the greatest musical talent to ever walk this wondrous earth. I shouldn’t even have to mention the dedication “loaf” put into growing those fabulous b!itch tits for his breakout role in Fight Club, but I will. Anyway the point here is that I despise the fact that middle relievers are used in fantasy baseball in any type of league. Having to pick up these bums to compete in roto scoring is the definition of ingloriousness. Is fantasy baseball not about stars and and unearthing breakout gems? Is it not about giving extreme verbal abuse to all of your opponents? Correct me if I’m wrong here. Actually don’t, because it surely won’t change my opinion. Truth be told, I can’t respect you as a man if you have more than one middle reliever on your squad. There is only 8th inning guy on this planet that I respect, and he goes by the name of Kenley Jansen. Brandon League starting over Jansen, is a bigger joke than Hillary Clinton running for President. How dare the Dodgers brass remove the 3rd best closer in baseball, behind only Kimbrel and Chapman, for this limp armed proven loser. I’m getting off track again, sorry.
This middle reliever phenomenon may take me out of roto leagues for good, and just stick with points leagues. Owning middle relievers in points leagues is like saying our podcast host, Nick Capozzi, looks hotter than me oiled up in a g-string. Laughable, I know. Starters and closers is what it’s all about and it’s taken my love for head-to-head points leagues to new heights. We don’t start punters in fantasy football so why middle relievers? It’s a travesty and I want it abolished from leagues worldwide. Dear Mr. Obama, though you’ve accomplished nothing of worth during your presidency, enacting this law would make me a supporter for life.
Points leagues allow us the opportunity to enjoy all the exciting parts of the game and give us the ability to not have to worry about childish things like owning Tyler Clippard. Just thinking about it makes me vomit. If you attempt to do this in points leagues, “You will lose.” I would do anything for a title, but I won’t do that.
Here’s a group of players who’s play caught my attention this week. Check it out ya’ll.
Giancarlo Stanton - Stanton has scored 1 run on the season to go along with an impressive ZERO homers, and ZERO RBI’s. Nice production for a first round draft pick eh? To be honest, I felt Mike, eeerrr, I mean Giancarlo was a little overhyped, not because he isn’t a one of God’s most beautiful and talented creations, but because he sits dead in the middle of one of the worst lineups I’ve ever witnessed. Not only does he more than likely not want to be there anymore, but pitchers have no reason to throw him anything hittable. The numbers projected for Stanton will be almost impossible to reach on this squad, and I would expect him to get the Barry Bonds treatment all season long. I’m sure he will still hit a ton of bombs but don’t expect over 100 rbi’s or a great batting average. We in points leagues, are also penalized for striking out, something those peons in roto scoring know nothing about. So no steals, no homers, no RBI’s, and 1 run? Not the start we were hoping for as that doesn’t add up to very many points. On the bright side, he’s still more productive than Pedro Alvarez. I should have my balls removed for drafting that guy. Anyway, keep the faith in Stanton, but I’m a little concerned. As should you be………..
Jed Lowrie - Let me start out by saying, that if Lowrie plays 150 games this season, he will the draft’s biggest steal of the year. Being able to plug him into the shortstop slot is truly a gift from Odin. The ruler of Asgard brings us many blessings, but this could be the grandest of them all. With 10 1/2 points already put up this week “Uncle Jed” may lead myself and countless others to glory. His career is going in reverse of Adam Sandler’s and I expect big things.
Justin Upton - The way Upton dropped in my points leagues absolutely blew my mind. Yes, the bath salts may have had something to do with that, it’s downright criminal to get this phenom in the 3rd round. He is know to strike out but I believe in my heart that the younger Upton will smash over 40 homers this year. Winning the MVP is not out of the question as you couldn’t ask for a better start. Upton has 14.5 points this week and I’m thinking he gets 25 minimum as he swings a mightier stick than the almighty Mandingo himself.
Josh Johnson - Johnson was a real spark plug for the Blue Jays last night. Did I say spark plug? I meant butt plug. Going for -15.5 points is tough to do, but Joshua managed to do just that. It’s early, but the Marlins owner looks like a genius for dumping this washed up trash on Toronto. Johnson got bent over and blasted harder than Justin Beiber would locked up in Pelican Bay. “Shoe program #%@#*.” That clip makes me want to do next week’s post based on Training Day. But this isn’t about “The Beibs” or Training Day, this is about Josh Johnson sucking Hyena D!ck. Wait till he has a cupcake matchup before starting him again.
Barry Zito - Just like Stella, Zito has got his groove back and I’m buying the production. You can go back to the playoffs last year and see that something clicked for this young man. With 52 points in just 2 starts Zito is a must own and start at this point. Maybe he started spending less time playing agonizingly annoying tunes on his guitar and actually started working on being the kind of player a team would spend exuberant amounts of cash on to bring him in as a free agent. I’ve lost track of how many years ago San Fran signed this quirky individual. What I do know is that they would have been better off spending that money on hookers and blow. That is, until now anyway. But seriously, what have they paid him already? 75 mill? That’s a lot of trips to the bunny ranch. Shizz, they could have sent every season ticket holder to the bunny ranch on a private jet and still not have spent that much money. That sounds like a winning promotion to me.
Aaron Hicks - Someone explain to me why Hicks is owned in any fantasy format that’s not at least 16 team leagues.
Troy Tulowitski - Hey, he’s not injured yet!!! That’s a good sign.
Roy Halladay - After two disastrous starts, Roy has a grand total of -8.5 fantasy points. Yikes! I’m sure “Doc” Halladay owners would like to put their sweaty huckleberries in his mouth and tell him to hum. I mean it truly might be over for this once proud warrior. It’s like Macaulay Culkin going from Home Alone 1 and 2, to Getting Even With Dad. I know that’s a little harsh, but it needed to be said. You can’t drop him and you probably can’t trade him for anything better than a “MIDDLE RELIEVER” so I would hold and pray nightly to Poseidon.
Mike Minor - Minor is hotter than fish grease as he’s totaled more than 20 points in both starts thus far. I had high hopes for the kid, drafting him in a couple leagues, and the Braves need a nice season from him. His problems usually occur in the 5th and 6th inning, but if he can tame that beast as I did my chicken, he could win 15 games this season and finish with 180 k’s or so.
Justin Masterson - The Master-Bator has been ejaculating all over the opposition in his first two starts of the year en route to 51.5 fantasy points. He issues a scary amount of walks but makes up for it with double play balls and get’s a reasonable amount of strikeouts. I had hopes of a bounce back season for this former ace. So far he’s proving me a prophet, and for that, I thank him.
Jeremy Hellickson - Remember years ago when Hellickson was supposed to be the next ace of the Rays? I can tell you right now he never will be. “Hell-boy” is very hittable and produces a laughable amount of K’s. Looking at his 5.5 total points on the season makes me cringe. Kind of like that time I saw Sky showering in the Razzball locker room. His wang was lookin like a pop corn shrimp. There are some visions you can never erase no matter how many therapy sessions you attend.
Chris Davis - With another couple jacks this week, CD is launching an assault on Barry Bond’s single season home run record. I’ll bet JayWrong’s life he breaks it.
Annnnnnyhoooo, that’s it for this week’s point’s league post. As per usual, your comments, concerns, and questions will answered in a timely fashion so please feel free. Sing it with me one more time would you please? I WOOOOOOULD DOOOOO ANNNNNNNYTHIIIIIING FOR A TITLE, BUT I WON’T DO THAT! OH NO, NO I WON’T DO THAT. Please start chastising these middle reliever owners for they do not belong in the arena with true titans. If you start middle relievers you deserve to be treated like George Michael at a highway rest stop. Google it. Beddict out.