I know you were all pumped for the City Slickers post, but that’s now coming next week. If I let you down, I apologize, but Michelangelo didn’t paint the 16th chapel in a week! He had other stuff to do, like battle ‘The Shredder’ along with the foot clan. I’m a busy guy, but trust me, it’s coming! City Slickers II is probably my favorite as it features Jon Lovitz instead of that gopher Bruno Kirby. Is Lovitz the most underrated comedian of my generation? No……….Yeeeeeeeeeessssss! Hold the phone, my secretary just informed me Kirby died, so that’s why he wasn’t in the sequel. Well…. as it turns out his death resulted in something positive, so that’s cool. I’m sure you’re wondering why I’m writing so much about City Slickers when it is to be featured next week. So am I. Let’s move on to baseball. And yes, I know it’s the ‘Sistine Chapel,’ so please don’t leave a stupid comment about it.
Jeremy Hellickson — 23, 26, -8, 8, 9, 23. These numbers are even more impressive when you factor in that “Hella K’s Son” received a loss in one of those outings, even though he only gave up one run. Do you like that nickname? I just came up with it. It doesn’t even really make sense being that Hellickson doesn’t throw too many K’s. I just know that Grey (the boss) really enjoys the usage of the word “hella.”
We were all warned by Razzball and ESPN to stay away from this soft-throwing pitcher, and for the most part the warnings the “experts” gave us have been correct… until now. Now is the time to harness this young stallion and ride him to the promised land. Or at least ride him until he starts getting shelled again. That could be hella soon or hella later.
Edwin Encarnacion — 6, 3, 6 are the point totals Easy-E has put up in his last 3 games and that’s with a couple of dongs, so it’s safe to say he’s clearing 40 on the year. Right now I’m feeling a lot like the the man who broke into LL Cool J’s mansion. Beaten. Broken. Violated. Why, you ask? Because I ignored Encarnacion in the draft, and continued to do so, even when the man was jackhammering the ball like Ben Stiller did Malin Akerman in The Heartbreak Kid. FML! This man is unleashing savagery on the ball like I haven’t seen since hitters were still sticking needles in their butts. Kudos to you if you picked him up. Kudos to Encarnacion. Kudos to the guys who juiced, because personally, I enjoyed that time period in baseball. They sacrificed their hair and their testicles for our enjoyment. That and millions of dollars. Ok, I’ll stop.
Hiroki Kuroda — To say that I’d eat whale blubber to own this stud doesn’t even begin to describe the dominance Kuroda has displayed over the past couple weeks. Here’s the numeros: 27, 29, 16, 8, 8, 33, and 27. While I’ve been tossing out points league peasants like Ricky Romero and Mike Leake, this Japanese import has been eating opposing hitters like horse meat, which, by the way, is a Japanese delicacy. I’m imagining an immense amount of gristle. Yummy. You know what else is yummy? Yeah, I bet you do. Kuroda, who is, one start at a time, trying to make up for the travesty of Dice-K. You can’t not respect him.
Melky Cabrera — dnp, dnp, dnp, dnp, dnp…… Oh what? He’s suspended??? Why?! Growth hormone? Then he tried to have a fake website created to somehow clear his guilt in the situation?
Is anyone really that shocked? The guy was playing like a young Barry Bonds, batting .346 with and a .906 ops. Well, there goes that 100 million dollar contract you were hoping for Melky. Actually, he probably won’t receive more than a 2-3 year offer and I would imagine it won’t be anything close to what his people were thinking. Yes, the same people who thought it was a good idea to create a fictitious website for the substance he took. Who are these idiots?
Something I haven’t heard much about is if us fantasy players are going to be given wins back for losing against teams that put cheaters in their lineups! I want Justice! Justice I say! I’m proud to say I’ve never had a convicted cheater in my lineup. EVER! Unless you count Ryan Braun, which I don’t because it was proven it was just his herp medication. We’ve all been there.
Josh Beckett — 2, 0, 5, -9, -7, 1. Those sickening numbers are from Beckett’s last six starts. Remember when this former flamethrower was young and cool? Banging hot chicks like Danielle Peck and Leeann Tweeden and winning the world series must have been awesome. Those days are obviously long gone. Actually, I’m sure he’s still banging hot c-list celebs but his days of being a quality starter are seemingly long gone.
It really hit home when I heard an ESPN radio announcer say that”Josh Beckett was the biggest tool he’d ever met in his life.” No, not because I’ve heard the same thing said about me millions of times (which is also true), but because I was finally able to accept that Josh Beckett straight up blows at baseball and at being cool.
Dan Haren — It’s damn hard work making Zack Greinke seem dependable but Haren has made it look “hella” effortless. His last two starts have birthed point totals of -13 and -9. Will he turn it around? I’d have to say I’m more optimistic about Haren turning it around, than say, Stephen Dorff turning in an Academy Award-winning performance, but still it’s hard not to worry at this point. The combination of Haren, Greinke, and C.J. Wilson have let us down harder than Prince Harry did the Royal family last week in Vegas. What happens in Vegas doesn’t always stay in Vegas. Especially when you’re a Prince and your “scepter and royal orbs” are on full display in the photos of you in your hotel room the random skanks you met down in the bar took and then sold/leaked. That’s hella embarrassing.
City Slickers next for sure.