I am Tehol Beddict! And I see a whole army of my fantasy men/women, here in defiance of less knowledgeable and dreadfully boring fantasy websites! Read these other sites and you may win. Run to them and you may stay afloat, at least for a while. And dying in your bed many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance, to come back here as young men and tell these underachieving fantasy advice sites that they can take your wives but they will never take your loyalty from Razzball and the Freeeeeeeedom it gives you from never having to go to any other site for sound information. You’ve bled with Grey and Rudy! Now bleed with me!
Chris Davis – Sure, didn’t the almighty send Davis to watch all his fantasy owner’s backs. I didn’t like his doubters anyway. They weren’t right in the head. CD has 29 points through Thursday and has never been more flaming than he is at this moment! The man could piss in a bottle and it would probably cure both cancer and AIDS with one drop. His Dung has enough protein and nutrients in it to support the whole country of India. His semen should be artificially inseminated into every female on earth to help create the perfect society.
You have no idea how good this feels. I’ve been a huge fan now for years and thought he would be 40-50 homer guy after I witnessed the display he put on his rookie year in Texas. After giving his best “Mighty Casey” impersonation for a few years, Davis has mastered the art of gripping that shiny wood shaft and hammering anything that moves with it. Yes, I drafted Davis in every single league this year as well as my dynasty team last season. I hope you didn’t sell high on him after the first couple weeks………
Domonic Brown – Sky: Tehol, you sir, are truly a moron for drafting Domonic Brown in the 8th round.
Beddict tha Kid: Who is this person who speaks to me as if I needed his advice? I’m a professional Sky.
Sky: I beg to differ. You’re just an extremely, amazingly, over-the-top-hot underwear model, with a glorious package and nothing more.
Beddict the God: Sky get a grip. The pitching staff and infield you drafted in the Razzball elite league is downright disgraceful.
Sky: I’m gonna cut your face so you’re not so succulent and tempting. And kill ur little chicken too! hahahahahahahahah
WOW! That convo didn’t end well did it? It’s safe to say I took a lot of trash talk for drafting “Sir Domonic” in every single league, mainly because I took him many rounds before he was expected to go, but still. When he was struggling at the beginning of the year I felt sheepish and awkward. It was almost like Brown’s flaccid performances were making me feel ugly as a human. I locked myself in the basement and wouldn’t take my agent’s calls for weeks, losing thousands of dollars in proceeds I would have made from Mankini ads and softcore porn videos in the process. Then the light turned on and Brown erupted like Gilpin after eating a bucket of oysters, giving me renewed confidence in myself, not only as a fantasy league expert, but as a model as well. Brown has 26 points thus far on the week and I say he stays hotter than wasabi.
Jurickson Profar – Bring me Kinsler. Alive if possible, out for year…just as good. King Edward Longshanks despised William Wallace just as Profar owners have no love for Kinsler. Considering the waiver wire is more bare than Portia De Rossi’s soul when it comes to second basemen, Profar owners need as much time with this special little man as possible, and I’m not talkin Catholic priest/young boy time. I’m talkin’ fantasy baseball, sirs. With 8.5 points so far this week JP has proven to be an above average fantasy second basemen and just like my boy Master P said “they’re ain’t no limit to this sh!t.”Unnnnhhhhhhhhhhh. Kinsler is gonna be out a few more weeks than expected. God is good. Or bad I guess, If you’re a Kinsler owner and don’t have Profar.
Ryan Zimmerman – Your heart is free, Zimmerman. Have the courage to follow your dreams and fulfill your enormous potential. Blasting 3 moon shots in one game is a points league player’s wet dream. As you probably know, Zimm Zimm did this on Wednesday. Does it make up for his lackluster performance thus far? Yes….. I mean kind of…..actually not really…..OK no it doesn’t but at least you didn’t draft Brett Lawrie.
Rick Porcello – King Edward Longshanks probably said it best: The Problem with Rick Porcello, is that he’s Rick Porcello.
Take heed, for there’s much truth in those words. Ricky sort of reminds me of Scott Thorson, the “man” portrayed by Matt Damon in HBO’s Behind The Candelabra. If you’re anything like me, your first thought when seeing that movie title was ” What the F#ck is a Candelabra?” Anyway both Scott and Rick had it made in their late teens; one being a high school baseball prodigy drafted in the first round of the MLB draft, the other Liberace’s chosen Pirate, butt. Both had hopes of a glorious ride to the top, literally in Scott’s case. Scott even thought he was going to be left the entirety of Liberace’s wealth through his will. We all thought Porcello was going to be a major league star right off the bat and we never thought Liberace would tire of treating young Scott like a Chinese finger trap. We were wrong on both accounts. Porcello has barely hung onto his major league job and Thorson was discarded by Liberace for some other young stallion, and has since been to prison on numerous accounts and was even shot multiple times. I’m not sure Porcello’s bottom is quite as low as Thorson’s but hey, maybe he hasn’t reached it yet. The point here is that if you had the gall to throw Porcello out there this week, with him getting 2 starts, you are bigger man/woman than I. Kudos to you. Seeing Porcello drop 28.5 points was probably almost as enjoyable as watching Michael Douglas treat Matt Damon’s butt like a drive-in movie theatre for 2 hours during the aforementioned Behind the Candelabra.
If I was judging Heyward by his statistics I’d definitely say he’s not really living, and with 1.5 points on the week thus far I wouldn’t call him a man either.
Mike Trout – William Wallace: Lower your heads and march straight back to the hole you crawled out of, stopping at every home to beg forgiveness for a hundred years of theft, rape, murder, and predicting that Mike Trout wouldn’t end up being the best points league player in fantasy this season. Do this and your men shall live. Do it not, and every one of you will die today.
Well JB Gilpin’Ps preseason MVP was Paul Konerko……………….I don’t even know how to follow that up, so I’ll just leave that as is for you to gaze upon. Being that I chose Trout for my MVP (huge reach I know), I was little thrown off by the slow start but as of right now I have no doubt in my mind he will end up being the points league MVP yet again. Cherish Trout, for Trout is the William Wallace of this fantasy baseball shizz.
Manny Machado – If Trout is Wallace then Machado is Hamish, Wallace’s second in command and fellow fierce warrior. M&M is on pace to break the major league record for doubles in a season. The only reason I’m picking against him breaking that record, is because some of those doubles are going to start becoming boom shots i.e. home runs. With 17 points through Thursday, Machado is continuing to take this league with the same gusto and passion Limp Bizkit used to put into their music….. Let’s hope it doesn’t end the same way, cuz I heard Bizkit’s drummers house is literally smelling like chocolate starfish and hot-dog flavored water.
Scott Kazmir – Stephen: The almighty tells me he can get me out of this mess, but he’s pretty sure you’re f##ked.
If you continue to start Kazmir this season, I’m pretty sure you’re f##ked. I know, I know. He had had a win with a quality start Thursday night. I don’t care.
Julio Teheran – Teheran reminds me a lot of Robert the Bruce. Both have all the qualities to be leaders and great successes but thus far they have both lacked the guidance or motivation to reach their destiny. Teheran had a 29 point start in his last outing and has strung together a nice run of quality starts. I’m fully buying right now. “The Bruce” reached his potential and led Scotland to freedom. Will Teheran lead your team to glory as well? It’s possible.
Edwin Encarnacion – With 21.5 points this week, “The Big Easy” is making a mockery of opposing pitchers, sort of like when Snoop Dogg and the Dogg Pound destroyed all those New York buildings in the music video for their scathing “New York New York” diss track. Why isn’t there a rapper who goes by “William Wallace”? That would be my first choice.
Patrick Corbin – Just like Wallace had to win over the nobles by slaughtering them one by one, Corbin had to win me over with all these quality starts along with an incredibly high k rate. I see no reason for him to fall off. But with that being said, I wouldn’t be shocked at all if he did. Look at Ja Rule for God’s sake. The man had it made before 50 ruined his life. Let’s hope Corbin doesn’t get Ja Rule’d. You never gonna sell Mitsubishi Tah and Crack child. Shout out to Queens.
Justin Upton – Gattis has been more productive than Upton this week. But then again, who hasn’t? Upton has gone from knight to peasant, seemingly overnight. What happened? If only he was Scottish, we’d know he could bounce back. Or be a complete alcoholic. One of the two, anyway.
Eric Chavez – I picked him up and he immediately had one game rained out followed by a pulled oblique during his first bat on Thursday. Glad I could be apart of his big comeback.
Jose Valverde – Over this past offseason, el Papa Grande was verbally abused harder than Mel Gibson’s ex-wife. Speaking of Mel Gibson, he directed the greatest movie of all time: Braveheart. Can the man on this phone call really be the same man? YIKES! Anyway, Papa Grande is dealing and telling all the teams that passed on him ” you should just F##king smile and blow me!!!!!! Cuz I deserve it.” You sure do Grande. You sure do.
Rickie Weeks – One of the most outstanding parts of Braveheart is when Longshanks leads his son’s man lover over to the window and tosses him like a rag-doll, 5 stories down to his death. Weeks’ owners would probably like to give him the same treatment if given the chance. Simply appalling statistics. My God man, get it together.
In the year of our Lord, 2013, Razzball patriots, starving and outnumbered, charged the buildings of ESPN, NBC Sports, and Yahoo sports. They fought like warrior poets. They fought like Razzballers. And won their freedom.