Don't be shellfish...Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterShare on Google+

I was drunk for the first three months of the fantasy baseball season. That’s right, blitzed. Three coladas to the wind. Someone would ask me for fantasy baseball advice and I’d type out my answers with a celery stalk that was drenched in booze. Chris Davis or Chase Headley? I’d play eeny-meeny-miney-moe with my cocktail umbrellas. Start Kuroda? I’d ask whatever nogoodnik was on the stool next to me at the local watering hole. But I had, as drunks say, a moment of clarity. So I decided to take the All-Star Break as an opportunity to look back at some ill-advised fantasy baseball advice that I gave and make amends. As Josh Hamilton would say, “It’s Step 8. Make a list of all persons we have harmed, and make amends to them all. Apologize especially to Milton Bradley, or he’ll stab you with a spork.” Anyway, here goes some apologies for first half fantasy baseball advice that makes me lucky the American Mustache Institute doesn’t revoke my license to have a mustache:

Travis Hafner – I placed him 4th overall for all first basemen. Not only did Hafner not deliver what I had hoped, he didn’t deliver anything, except a message that read, “I don’t deserve my uber-cool nickname, Pronk, and my bones have atrophied 500% in the last two years.” Unless Hafner gets in that pool from the movie, “Cocoon,” we’re done with each other forever. Skinny dip with Wilford Brimley or it’s goodbye. Your call, Pronk.

Rich Hill – I put everyone in this schmohawk, including Carl in the first comment here. I think Carl promised to hate me forever if the trade backfired. Luckily, all he lost was Krispie Young. I hate you, Rich Hill, for coming between me and Carl!

Jeff Francoeur – Even in leagues that don’t count OBP, I hate guys that don’t take a walk, but Frenchy had a certain je ne sais quoi. Maybe his free swinging ways made him like Vlad, but white — as most Vlads are.  Well, I was wrong here (even choosing him over Josh Hamilton in that ‘pert league), here and here. I swung and missed with Franceour about as many times as he did. Next time I tout Frenchy, my article title may as well be, “Grey’s Gay for Francoeur.”

Robinson Cano – There were times on this site when I should’ve changed my Don Mattingly look-a-like picture and put Cano up there with a big heart over it. I was blinded by Cano’s youth and flat, line drive stroke that is Carew-like. (If his swing was anymore like Carew’s, he’d have to circumcise the knobs on his bat.) Or maybe I was attracted to Cano’s absurdly low BABIP that made me think again and again he had to be a Buy Low…. Actually, I’m still buying. Act like you know, MC Lyte!

Edwin Encarnacion – When I placed him 15th out of all third basemen, I said this, “Maybe I’m effin’ crazy, but I like Encarnacion.” I was crazy. See, your first instinct is always right. Go ask Malcolm Gladwell.

Alex Gordon – I loved Gordon coming into the year. Was I wrong? That’s what this post is about. Why are you asking rhetorical questions that do nothing but hurt me? When you cut me, do I not bleed?

Alexis Rios – This is Rios’s fault as much as it’s mine. Why does your swing have to be so sweet?

Aaron Harang – I called Harang up the other day on my cellular phone. “Grey here.” “Oh, I was just calling in an order for some Hot & Sour Soup and potstickers and didn’t hear the phone ring.” “Yeah, that’s cool. Listen–” “Who did you say you were again?” “Never mind that.  Just let me say something.” “Um… Who?” “Listen, this isn’t easy. I’m sorry for putting so much pressure on you. I thought you were a solid starter that was wholly underrated. I see now you weren’t underappreciated, just under-skilled–” “This is an apology?” “Yeah, give me a second. So when I told everyone they should not only draft you, but trade for you. Why did you then shit my house? Cause I think the–” “This doesn’t sound like an apology.” “I’m getting to it!” “Okay, but I think I have another call.” “Oh, okay, I just figured you owed me some kind of apology–” “Me apologize to you?” “Yeah, you completely ruined five of my fantasy teams!” “I thought you were the one who was supposed to apologize.” “Yeah, you’re right. I apologize for believiing in you, you fat, mother– Hello? Hello? Aaron?”

  1. john says:
    (link)

    As Dido would say:
    I will go down with thiiis ship,
    And I won’t put up my hands and surrender,
    There will be no white flag above my door,
    I’m in love and always will be.

    Sometimes I think its unrequited love and I should kick you to the curb, Pronk, but then I just think back ’06 and remember that warm fuzzy feeling all over again. I wish I knew how to quit you, Pronk..but I don’t. I won’t ever give up on you. I believe.

  2. I watched John Maine walk Barry Zito after starting off the count 0-2 the other day, which directly led to him giving up two more runs and the lead. I was so disgusted that I dropped him later that night to pick up Matt Cain.

    Good move? Or am I basically trading one scumbag for another at this point?

  3. Denys says:
    (link)

    I was caught for a noise violation outside of Harang’s house, blasting this particular Elvis tune from my car:

    You look like an angel
    Walk like an angel
    Talk like an angel
    But I got wise
    You’re the devil in disguise
    Oh yes you are
    The devil in disguise
    You fooled me with your kisses
    You cheated and you schemed
    Heaven knows how you lied to me
    You’re not the way you seemed

  4. Denys says:
    (link)

    I was caught for a noise violation outside of Hafner’s house, blasting this particular Elvis tune from my car:

    You look like an angel
    Walk like an angel
    Talk like an angel
    But I got wise
    You’re the devil in disguise
    Oh yes you are
    The devil in disguise
    You fooled me with your kisses
    You cheated and you schemed
    Heaven knows how you lied to me
    You’re not the way you seemed

  5. Denys says:
    (link)

    and so on…

  6. Frank Rizzo says:
    (link)

    @j-bone: I just picked up Cain as well. I was actually surprised he was on the wire. His BB’s have gone down since the first month while his K’s have gone up. 35 BB’s to 65 K’s in April/May and 18 BB’s to 56 K’s in June and July.

    He’s tied for 8th in K’s with Halladay, except Halladay has gotten 121 K’s in 146 innings while Cain has his 121 K’s in 126 innings.

    I saw him pitch against the Cubs on the 11th and he was too much for them. He dominated the batters…..I can’t remember a single well hit ball. It took him leaving the game for the Cubs to win the game. Cain looked unhittable. I think he’s getting stronger.

  7. IowaCubs

    IowaCubs says:
    (link)

    Yeah, I’m a recovering alkie, too, so I’ve had to do an 8th step recently to my buddy for trading him Gallardo for Jurrjens and Kuroda the first week.

    Are you going to have to make an amends now to Harang? I had to do a step 9 to Fonzie Soriano last week for stealing his rims on his Hummer while on an April bender in Wrigleyville. $30,000 for rims? He let me work it off by massaging his hand. Who knew that that would turn out to be so creepy? Did you know that Soriano speaks Japanese? Awesome.

    It’s good to know that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity, which is why I pray to the spirits of Hack Wilson and Rod Beck to give my fantasy players the strength to deliver all 5 categories.

  8. Baron Von Vulturewins says:
    (link)

    @Frank Rizzo: Cain is a good pick-up right now, even a good trade target. He is capable of running off these amazing streaks of absolute dominance. His win totals will be hampered by the Giants (though it’s not hurting Lincecum) but as long as you’ve got other pitchers to cover, Cain is a three-category contributor in the second half.*

    That said, I wouldn’t drop Maine for him, but I wouldn’t drop Maine period.

    @john: re: Pronk; I hear you on that ’06 season. Pronk carried me on his broad back to a title. Not all offensive forces are created equal: Markakis has good numbers at the end of a season, but he’s always all 1-for-3 with an RBI; he rarely puts up those Pronkian wundernights that warm the soul with 2HRs, 7 RBIs.

    But I fear Pronk’s peak is a thing of the past, alas. It kills me too, trust me.

    I blame Razzball for making me draft Rios — I discovered this site the day before my draft and drank deep of the Rios Kool-Aid — but Frenchy was my own damn fault. If I’d taken Hamilton over Frenchy, my league would be over already. I know you can always say “If I’d taken this guy over that guy” but Hamilton in hindsight seems like exactly the kind of risk you should be taking on draft day, i.e. mid-round pick, sky-high upside. It’s not like he was a former number one overall pick or anything.

    In a classic damned-if-I-had, damned-if-I-hadn’t decision, my big 10th round on -the-clock choice was between Frenchy and Rich Hill. Hamilton went in Round 13 — one round after I picked Gordon.

    Speaking of which, Alex Gordon and I had a semi-amicable break up a few months back when I threw him into my Volquez-for-Morneau trade. It had been a year and a half. Things weren’t getting any better. I could still remember when I first saw him, all corn-silk hair and hypnotic swing. But things had turned sour between us, even bitter. I was running around behind his back with Evan Longoria. I occasionally check in now to see how he’s doing; I’m glad to see he’s still the fantasy equivalent of 15 pounds overweight with a bad haircut.

    I’ve yet to have my own Moment of Clarity with Bruce, who still languishes on my bench.

    *My apologies — “three category contributor”? This sounded downright Funstonian. Bleeech.

  9. Frank Rizzo says:
    (link)

    Interesting….Gavin Floyd is on our WW. Is he a better bottom of the rotation guy than Matt Garza right now?

  10. Grey

    Grey says:
    (link)

    @john: Ha. The truly disappointing thing is he had more than 100 walks last season even when he wasn’t knocking the cover off. He was like a prematurely balding, big-headed comet that shone brightly then disappeared fast.

    @J-Bone: I like Cain in the 2nd half. I don’t support dropping Maine though.

    @Denys: I woulda went with Eamon’s “Fuck It (I Don’t Want You B**K)”

    @IowaCubs: Ha!

    @Baron Von Vulturewins:* The only saving grace I have-ner is Cantu got hot right when Hafner became completely unusable, so I have Cantu in a few leagues and it’s worked out okay.

    *This comment isn’t actually to you, but I had to say it.

    @Frank Rizzo: I like Garza better.

    EDIT: Cuz.

  11. Baron Von Vulturewins says:
    (link)

    @Frank Rizzo: No. He’s a major regression candidate. I quote:

    Gavin Floyd: 3.69 ERA, 5.09 FIP.
    Good luck keeping that BABIP at .226, and when it inevitably rises, so too will the curtain on what artificially appears to be Floyd’s breakout year.

    I like Garza much better as well, for all the bumps ahead.

  12. Baron Von Vulturewins says:
    (link)

    WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP TRADE ADVICE ALERT WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP

    So the guy in my league who lost Capps is coveting Marte. I think I could flip him for either Cantu or Pena. Either one would go in my Util spot. Who do you like better straight up for Marte?

    Note also that I just traded Torres for Hardy who, of course, immediately went stone-cold.

  13. Zebo says:
    (link)

    @Grey: you only missed your prognosis on these few players? You should try writing some horoscopes.

  14. Zebo says:
    (link)

    @everyone: who is better, Kuroda or Cain?

  15. IowaCubs

    IowaCubs says:
    (link)

    Trade just offered to me:

    J Roll offered for Wainwright and Ellsbury.
    I’m severely weak at SS and MI with Theriot at SS and Baker at MI. My pitching is at the top of the league categories, so if Wainwright comes back, I’ll still be okay.

  16. Baron Von Vulturewins says:
    (link)

    @IowaCubs: Do that trade.

  17. JR says:
    (link)

    Marmol, Broxton and CoJack for Maine. Who wins?

  18. IowaCubs

    IowaCubs says:
    (link)

    @Baron Von Vulturewins: I already did it anyway, I just needed the self-fulfilling ego boost.

  19. Zebo says:
    (link)

    @Grey: will Ellsbury snap out of his funk or is it time to sell him?

  20. Grey

    Grey says:
    (link)

    @IowaCubs: I like it too.

    @JR: It’s a needs trade. If you need saves and holds, you want the reliever side. Pure value, I’d want the Maine/CJ side.

    @Zebo: He’s batting close to .280 in July and I think if he stays at .260 for the season it can be considered a success and worth the runs/steals. Just ask a Bourn owner.

  21. James says:
    (link)

    Next year, if you start to speak the names Butler, Soria, Hochevar, Greinke, Meche, or any other Royal, bite your tongue Grey. Feel free to mention any Cardinal you wish.

  22. Grey

    Grey says:
    (link)

    @James: Um, ok, but I loved Soria and Greinke all year.

  23. christopher says:
    (link)

    Here’s my line-up:
    C Soto
    1B Prince
    2B Utley
    3B Wright
    SS Young (just traded E Santana for him, dropped Escobar)
    OF Krispie Young
    OF Maggs
    OF Hamilton
    Util Figgy
    BN Beltre
    BN Fukudome

    SP Haren
    SP Billingsley
    SP Lowe
    SP Garza
    SP Baker
    SP Campillo
    SP Gallaraga
    SP Sean Gallagher
    SP Clay Buchholz
    SP Lannan
    RP Torres
    RP Rauch
    DL Harang (I still beleive…)

    Here’s my plan: drop Beltre & Fukudome, pick up KazMat for SB help and an RP like Arredando or Shields or Devine, etc…

    Good idea, or do you have any other suggestions? It’s a 5×5 standard H2H, and I’m 6th of 12 right now; it’s been a frustrating season, to say the least!

  24. Nick says:
    (link)

    Can I drop Hardy in an 8-team league? I want to pickup Carmona before somebody else does…I’m pending 2 trades (not involving Hardy) that would free up a spot on my roster but the other teams are not responding to my trades…

  25. Nick says:
    (link)

    Also, I wanted to know why you think I should drop Marcum right now for Carmona…you don’t think Marcum will come back and continue to dominate?

  26. Denys says:
    (link)

    Also Grey, don’t forget how down you were on Jason Bay at the beginning of the season…

  27. Grey

    Grey says:
    (link)

    @christopher: Dropping Fukudome for Matsui makes sense, but I’d prefer Beltre than Figgy, and you’re going to hard after steals. It’s going to start cutting into your other categories. Also, Ervin for Young isn’t the strongest of moves, but that’s water under the bridge at this point.

    If you really want to make a run at first, I think you need drastic moves. I’d try and trade Hamilton for Ichiro. Trade Figgins for a pitcher that is risky but has upside, like Wainwright. Then slot Beltre into Utility.

    BTW, in the future, you can put your team in the forum and you might get more shelf life because once this post moves down the front page it may not been seen much, where the forums you can keep going back to it.

  28. Grey

    Grey says:
    (link)

    @Nick: Just drop Marcum.

    @Denys: Yeah, I still hate Bay. Maybe I should do a Corrections to my Corrections — you fact-checkers you.

  29. Nick says:
    (link)

    @Grey: But why drop Marcum? I need a reason considering he’s been solid prior to the injury..and I’m only picking up someone who is also injured currently..

  30. Grey

    Grey says:
    (link)

    @Nick: Carmona – hip injury – Marcum – arm injury

  31. RT says:
    (link)

    @Nick:
    Nick. Grey is right. Marcum has been pushed back. He is in Florida rehabbing and under wraps by the Blue Jays. Carmona pitched last night and was solid. He is a start away. Marcum is maybe early August away. Do the math.

  32. Denys says:
    (link)

    @Grey: Bay’s single-handedly carrying my outfield in the league that matters most (since Rios decided to NOT hit this year). I just can’t hate I guess…

  33. Grey

    Grey says:
    (link)

    @Denys: Don’t worry, I have enough hate for both of us.

  34. JR says:
    (link)

    Hey Grey, who do you like better going forward, Carmona or Wainright?

  35. Grey

    Grey says:
    (link)

    @JR: Carmona

  36. Steve says:
    (link)

    You can throw some of mine in there too.

  37. Baron Von Vulturewins says:
    (link)

    Hamels and Hunter Pence for Sizemore and Carmona. Discuss.

  38. Steve says:
    (link)

    @Grey: That was Rios I was referring to there.

  39. Steve says:
    (link)

    @Grey: How do your rate the chances of Rios turning it on in the 2nd half.
    For sure he hasn’t looked capable of it so far, but he’s capable of hitting 20-25 dingers and hitting .300-ish isn’t he?

  40. Grey

    Grey says:
    (link)

    @Steve: The top 100 for the 2nd half will be posted late tonight. He’s not ranked well.

  41. BigFatHippo says:
    (link)

    @Grey, Everybody

    C Guile and Hunter for Brian Roberts.

    Who wins?

  42. BigFatHippo says:
    (link)

    @Grey, Everybody

    Potential steal for me.
    CGuile and Hunter for Brian Roberts.

    I need steals and he has 5 guys on the DL but he’s no longer in contention. I need to exploit this situation but don’t think this is enough. Do I throw in a Loney or a CoJack, would that be enough?

  43. Grey

    Grey says:
    (link)

    @BigFatHippo: I don’t see it as a steal, just seems fair for both sides. If you need steals and have a hole at 2nd, looks good.

  44. BigFatHippo says:
    (link)

    Wow, how’d that happen. Page wouldn’t load so I canceled but it went anyway.

    The hole is at MI, playing Kaz there. I’d be giving my starting SS but can plug in Escobar or Nomar and not lose anything,

    or do I?

  45. Grey

    Grey says:
    (link)

    @BigFatHippo: Kaz to Roberts for the loss of Guillen and Hunter? Eh.

  46. BigFatHippo says:
    (link)

    Yeah you’re right. Major upgrade but I’ve been playing Kaz for steals, he’s just not as good as last year.

    Thankfully, I have Sizemore for steals but not much else.

  47. Grey

    Grey says:
    (link)

    The All-Star Game did they invite Bonds to ride in the parade?

  48. Grey

    Grey says:
    (link)

    @Grey: Eck has the best mustache. After me.

  49. BigFatHippo says:
    (link)

    He doesn’t get to ride, has to scoop the shit from behind the horses if he wants to get back in good graces with MLB.

    My prediction-

    After toweling off his boots he gets to sign a minor league contract with the Nationals. Must wash hands before he grips Bud’s magic pen.

  50. BigFatHippo says:
    (link)

    Yogi throwing first pitch,

    awesome but kinda sad at the same time. He looks so oooolllllldddd.

  51. Grey

    Grey says:
    (link)

    @BigFatHippo: He looks like he’s about 3 feet tall.

  52. BigFatHippo says:
    (link)

    We’re gonna have to sell the big house Grey.

    What with Grampa gettin smaller.

  53. wakeNbake says:
    (link)

    Whats up guys…. watching the all-star game. love the way the yankee fans defended Mariano.

  54. wakeNbake says:
    (link)

    ********SAITO OUT 6 weeks*********

Comments are closed.