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If you search for fantasy baseball, the first result is Fantasy Baseball ESPN.  (We’re first for fantasy baseball blog. Natch!  Or natchurally, if you’re a completist.)  But this isn’t about fantasy baseball ESPN.  When people find us, they are not searching for fantasy baseball ESPN.  But what are they searching for when they find us?  Since it’s a holiday, I decided to break away from the normal schedule of fantasy baseball rookies and look at exactly that.  Here are 20 actual searches for people who find Razzball and my answers to their searches:

  1. Ryan Braun has herpes? – If he open mouth kissed Jose Lima.
  2. How did baseball in the 1960′s change lives? – The 1960s were a decade that opened with hope and optimism with the election of John F. Kennedy.  Following his assassination and our eventual involvement in the Vietnam Conflict, the decade quickly turned tumultuous.  Baseball, scotch, smoking cigarettes and adultery were all we had left.  This is according to Mad Men.
  3. A-Rod nickname? – Um, A-Rod? Also, acceptable answers are A-Fraud, A-Roid and The Uncharismatic Latino.
  4. Need Funny Fantasy Baseball Team Names – Aw, this search sounds desperate.  You can try our fantasy baseball team name generator.
  5. Should you call a scout if you can throw 95 MPH? – How’s your breaking stuff? (BTW, I imagine the person who did this search is one of those guys who spends like $140 bucks at the local carnival trying to win an over-sized SpongeBob.  *donning bad Jersey accent* Don’t worry, Tina, I’ll get you that motherf**ckin’ SpongeBob!)
  6. A no k pitcher suffers from Scharmandofreude! – I like that.
  7. Rod Stewart Bonifacio – Had one big hit, “Some Guys Have All the Luck to be Playing Professional Baseball.”
  8. What’s the hardest someone’s been pitchslapped? – Robin Ventura by Nolan Ryan… Oh!  Pitchslapped.  Yeah, I don’t know.  Probably involved Micah Owings.
  9. Blyleven farts – That would be a Dutch oven.
  10. Mutton Twinkie? – Thanks, but I’m more of a Liverwurst Whoopie Pie man.
  11. Cracker Barrel cheese logs on Steve Balboni Blvd. – Yes, it’s a magical place.  There’s cheese logs and bricks of Spam.  All spackled together with mayonnaise.
  12. Why didn’t Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger hook up after 9 1/2 Weeks? – They ran out of fruit.
  13. Can Josh Hamilton have Rum Raisin ice cream? – Most store brand Rum Raisin ice creams have rum flavoring, but no actual rum.  But he has to eat his dinner first.
  14. Andre Ethier candid shots – Here he is out in Key West.
  15. If ifs and buts were candies and nuts, we’d all have to wear diapers – Can’t argue with that.
  16. Jonesing for poetry by Brett Myers – Ok, fine.  I call this, “Brett Myers Goes Wildin.”  I don’t use Pomade on my hair like Chase… Bank’s got my money and my honey’s got mace… Just, um, in case.
  17. Poor Man’s Mark Grace? – James Loney… A poor man’s James Loney is Casey Kotchman.  A poor man’s Casey Kotchman is someone in the minors.
  18. Nick Lowe is a white haired old bastard? – No, he’s Peter Gammons Peter Gammons Peter Gammons.
  19. Bad year to be a Johnson or Wang – With Chien-Ming Wang, Reed and Randy Johnson hurting and Kelly Johnson losing playing time to Martin Prado, it’s true.  Wasn’t a great year for Wood either.
  20. Why do my eyes feel heavy when I read Razzball? – That’s the tryptophan, silly.  It’s Thanksgiving!  Have a good one.

35 Responses

  1. big o says:
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    do they even make women like that any more ?
    river deep – mountain high .

  2. 101 M.P.H. says:
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    I just used the random team name generator and came up with
    ‘Anglican Gastric Juices’. I can’t believe that something so….. awesome…. could be the product of random generation. It makes me believe that maybe we evolved from single celled organisms after all.

    On an un(or semi?)related note, I’d like to wish a happy American thanksgiving to Razzball staff and readers from south of the Canadian border. As I write this I’m imagining my state of flatulence after a long weekend of multiple turkey dinners (complete with gravy and stuffing), and turkey leftovers for the following week.

    I had to change my underwear just thinking about it…..

  3. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @big o: Huh? Happy Thanksgiving, O!

    @101 M.P.H.: Ha, that is a good team name. Thanks for the well wishes. You described the reason why underwear is unnecessary. Wrap yourself in an old bed sheet.

  4. cws05nuts says:
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    Gobble Gobble. Melissa Lima sure has a few balboni (plural of Balbonis?) of her own. But hey now she’s no Marie Pierce.

  5. cws05nuts says:
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    Oh yeah. Grey can you make sense of these CWS moves for me? I am to obtuse to wrap my cognitions around such moves.

  6. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @cws05nuts: She’s stocked on Balbonis. Seem like the Sox are taking a cheap backup MI (Vizquel) and a potential bargain outfielder (Jones). From a money standpoint seems like it makes sense. If they get nothing from them, no harm no foul cause they spent so little.

  7. cws05nuts says:
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    @Grey: Cool. That kinda makes sense seeing as though they might have a ton of bad paper behind Rios. Jones might be the DH too. Hope for 20 hr’s and a majority of those in the Cell for 1.5 mil (with incentives) sounds reasonable and Kennyesque. Still takes the BB too. But a bench of Kotsay, Jones, and Omar sounds bleh at best. I think I would rather rebuild the OF and plug Carlos in as the full time DH to hedge against injuries and bad defense.

    I heard the Rios move was to block an impending Tiger’s waiver claim on him. You hear anything along those lines?

  8. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @cws05nuts: That bench sounds terrible, but cheap. Guess it depends on how large a role any of them have. They’ll either be saying in September, “The guys that were brought in were great veterans who know how to win and helped youngsters.” Or they’ll be saying, “The Sox ended up playing Kotsay, Jones and Omar a lot more than they wanted to and paid for it in terrible production.” Yeah, I heard exactly the same thing re: Rios. Tigers wanted him, but he was moved.

  9. DrEasy says:
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    But how to make sense of the Jays moves? Signing John McDonald (for the price of three Andruw Joneses no less) followed by Alex Gonzalez sounds a bit redundant to me redundant to me.

  10. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @DrEasy: One of the funniest things I read today was, “The Jays signed Alex Gonzalez, who helped the Red Sox to the playoffs.” Yeah, compared to how much Jerry Hairston Jr. helped the Yankees.

  11. DrEasy says:
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    @Grey: Well, we all know that Eric Hinske is the guy to get. 3 World Series in a row, what a stud!

  12. BigFatHippo says:
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    @Grey: Happy Thanksgiving buddy, and to all Razzballers who made my stay in the Bootheel almost tolerable.

    I’m thankful for all of you, cheers!

  13. BigFatHippo says:
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    @Grey: When the pilgrims landed in New Zealand did they eat kiwi??????????

  14. Steve says:
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    @BigFatHippo: @Grey: Don’t think I’m not watching.

  15. BigFatHippo says:
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    @Steve: Tell the truth man, your ancestors ate Roo didn’t they?

    With a side of Tigger and Pooh?????????/

  16. Steve says:
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    @BigFatHippo: Ah – the old kangaroo joke. It’s been a while! Kangaroo’s pretty good, as it happens.

    Not sure if the Europeans ate too much kiwi after they arrived here, but the Maoris would probably have eaten them back in the day.

  17. BigFatHippo says:
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    @Steve: Ha!

    Let that be a lesson to me, don’t pull up a Steve link when the kids are standing around me!

    They’re now scarred for life……………..

  18. BigFatHippo says:
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    @Steve: No worries, I watched Superbad with them one night after returning from a bar in a drunken stupor. They giggled, much hilarity ensued…………..

  19. PJtres says:
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    grey…have to keep a couple prospects…

    which two would you keep?
    yonder alonso, desmond jennings, brian matusz?

    Thanks!
    Hope T-giving was good to you.

  20. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @PJtres: Jennings and Matusz. Happy Thanksgiving to you too.

  21. Mark says:
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    Andre Ethier had to be getting hazed…

  22. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Mark: Either that or he was at the Pride Parade

  23. big o says:
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    @Grey:
    WEEI radio is reporting that the sawx are gonna make a play for scutaro
    18 mil / 3 years … to play SS

  24. big o says:
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    also , it appears that “out-siders” (non-drafters) can vote (good/bad)
    on the specific selections in this year’s Razzball slow mock draft .

    http://www.couchmanagers.com …. draft #2198

  25. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @big o: re: Scutaro — That makes sense for them. They don’t need much from a SS and can spend that money.

  26. big o says:
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    @Grey:
    i listened to a show where the panelists alluded to
    lance berkman’s troubles , last year , were personal , in nature ,
    and not physical .
    did you hear anything about this ?
    it’s not that dreaded clinical depression , is it ??
    and exactly what the hell is “clinical” depression ???
    i would think that the MLBPA ‘s health plan would be good enough
    not to have these guys sitting in line at some clinic .

    anywho , please give some early projections .
    thanking you , in advance .

  27. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @big o: Didn’t hear anything about depression with him. I’d probably give him around 27/7 and .300.

  28. GopherDay says:
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    @Grey: Assuming everyone in the draft will see this, but anyway where do you think Sparkakis should be drafted?

  29. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @GopherDay: Off the top of my head, between 5th and 7th rounds.

  30. big o says:
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    @Grey:
    blalock be damned .
    this year i’m concentrating my psychic energies towards
    helping carlos pena bat .275

  31. Simply Fred

    Simply Fred says:
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    @big o: Just send him to the school of Wright: cut down on those homers and you have a lock.

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