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If you search for fantasy baseball, the first result is Fantasy Baseball ESPN.  (We’re first for fantasy baseball blog. Natch!  Or natchurally, if you’re a completist.)  But this isn’t about fantasy baseball ESPN.  When people find us, they are not searching for fantasy baseball ESPN.  But what are they searching for when they find us?  Since it’s a holiday, I decided to break away from the normal schedule of fantasy baseball rookies and look at exactly that.  Here are 20 actual searches for people who find Razzball and my answers to their searches:

  1. Ryan Braun has herpes? – If he open mouth kissed Jose Lima.
  2. How did baseball in the 1960’s change lives? – The 1960s were a decade that opened with hope and optimism with the election of John F. Kennedy.  Following his assassination and our eventual involvement in the Vietnam Conflict, the decade quickly turned tumultuous.  Baseball, scotch, smoking cigarettes and adultery were all we had left.  This is according to Mad Men.
  3. A-Rod nickname? – Um, A-Rod? Also, acceptable answers are A-Fraud, A-Roid and The Uncharismatic Latino.
  4. Need Funny Fantasy Baseball Team Names – Aw, this search sounds desperate.  You can try our fantasy baseball team name generator.
  5. Should you call a scout if you can throw 95 MPH? – How’s your breaking stuff? (BTW, I imagine the person who did this search is one of those guys who spends like $140 bucks at the local carnival trying to win an over-sized SpongeBob.  *donning bad Jersey accent* Don’t worry, Tina, I’ll get you that motherf**ckin’ SpongeBob!)
  6. A no k pitcher suffers from Scharmandofreude! – I like that.
  7. Rod Stewart Bonifacio – Had one big hit, “Some Guys Have All the Luck to be Playing Professional Baseball.”
  8. What’s the hardest someone’s been pitchslapped? – Robin Ventura by Nolan Ryan… Oh!  Pitchslapped.  Yeah, I don’t know.  Probably involved Micah Owings.
  9. Blyleven farts – That would be a Dutch oven.
  10. Mutton Twinkie? – Thanks, but I’m more of a Liverwurst Whoopie Pie man.
  11. Cracker Barrel cheese logs on Steve Balboni Blvd. – Yes, it’s a magical place.  There’s cheese logs and bricks of Spam.  All spackled together with mayonnaise.
  12. Why didn’t Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger hook up after 9 1/2 Weeks? – They ran out of fruit.
  13. Can Josh Hamilton have Rum Raisin ice cream? – Most store brand Rum Raisin ice creams have rum flavoring, but no actual rum.  But he has to eat his dinner first.
  14. Andre Ethier candid shots – Here he is out in Key West.
  15. If ifs and buts were candies and nuts, we’d all have to wear diapers – Can’t argue with that.
  16. Jonesing for poetry by Brett Myers – Ok, fine.  I call this, “Brett Myers Goes Wildin.”  I don’t use Pomade on my hair like Chase… Bank’s got my money and my honey’s got mace… Just, um, in case.
  17. Poor Man’s Mark Grace? – James Loney… A poor man’s James Loney is Casey Kotchman.  A poor man’s Casey Kotchman is someone in the minors.
  18. Nick Lowe is a white haired old bastard? – No, he’s Peter Gammons Peter Gammons Peter Gammons.
  19. Bad year to be a Johnson or Wang – With Chien-Ming Wang, Reed and Randy Johnson hurting and Kelly Johnson losing playing time to Martin Prado, it’s true.  Wasn’t a great year for Wood either.
  20. Why do my eyes feel heavy when I read Razzball? – That’s the tryptophan, silly.  It’s Thanksgiving!  Have a good one.