On short rest, Randy Wells went five innings, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks. Oh, and I’m drunk. Don’t know what that has to do with anything, but I thought you should know for the following. I love Randy Wells! There, I said it. He’s striking out hitters and keeping walks to a minimum. His FIP is saying he’s been unlucky, even if he was outpitched by Ohlendorf. Will the person with the license plate “O Da Dorf,” please move their car? Hmm… Maybe I should sleep off my buzz before doing the roundup? Nah…If Hemingway can write The Sun Also Rises drunk, I can write a roundup. The EL Camino with the license plate “O Da Dorf” is parked on the front lawn with its engine running. We’re gonna have to ask you to move that… Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Roy Oswalt – 2 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks until he was ejected for arguing with the umpire. Oswalt was overheard screaming at the ump, “Give me a break here, I’m trying to pitch myself off the Astros!”
Chris Capuano – Will pitch for the Brewers on Thursday vs. the Marlins. He’s pitched well in the minors (1.77 ERA), but I wouldn’t touch him in mixed leagues until we (that’s me and you — hey!) see how he pitches in the majors.
Dexter Fowler – Dexter’s off to go murder minor league pitchers. He’ll get his chance at some point and be productive, but you can cut him for now in one year leagues and shallow keepers.
Corey Hart – Hit his 4th homer in the last four games. Now has 13 homers on the year. Almost twice as many homers as Prince Fielder. Hart also has 33 RBIs compared to 19 RBIs for Prince, which is odd for an assortment of reasons, but most specifically you would think someone of Prince’s girth would want as many ribbies as he could get.
Neil Walker – 2-for-4 as he takes over the full-time 2nd base gig from Akinori Iwamura for a little changing of the discards. It’s never sunny in Pittsburgh, huh? I’d grab Walker in NL-Only leagues and I’d expect nothing and hope for something.
Robinson Cano – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. He was my early MVP choice… Well, not my early-early MVP choice that was Longoria. Just split the award between the two of them and let’s go home. Wait, I am home.
Alex Rodriguez – 3-for-4, 6 RBIs and his 7th homer. Now has 41 RBIs through 51 games, which puts him on pace for, like, 140. Probably will hit 10 homers in June and look every bit the 1st round selection you thought he’d be. Now stop being a baby and get me another wine cooler!
Derek Jeter – Left the game with hamstring tightness. Probably day-to-day. Appropriate of nothing, I just got the best spam comment ever. It was so good I almost let it through just for s’s and g’s. Without further ado, the comment simply read, “You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.” So true.
Jason Bartlett – Says he plans to return this Friday. And that’s a Bartlett quotation.
Doug Fister – 7 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. Been waiting for Fister to get his clock punched for a while.
Chase Headley – 4-for-5, 4 Runs and a homer as Petco turned into Coors. Headley’s been pretty yawnstipating for the last couple of weeks, but his position eligibility has kept me tethered.
Troy Glaus – 2-for-4 and now has 2 homers in 2 games. You could do worse with your corner man.
Tommy Hanson – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the Phillies. Wasn’t an easy matchup and he didn’t look especially dominating but he did get the job done, so there’s that.
Nyjer Morgan – 3-for-4, 4 Runs, 2 steals and perhaps the start of a hot streak. If someone grew bored of him in your league and you’re hurting for steals, I’d take Nyjer out for a ride around the block. From the files of Wikipedia, Nyjer occasionally refers to himself as Tony Plush, which he says is his “gentleman’s name.” Does he mean stripper name?
Jaime Garcia – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks. Garcia’s walking through the raindrops way too often and not getting wet. Really starting to worry about how many baserunners he’s been giving up compared to his earned runs. Somehow he still has a 1.32 ERA. Liquid Paper’s about to get splattered all over that ERA and it’s going to be ugly.
Brandon Morrow – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (2 BBs), 1 K. Morrow went in with the best K-rate in baseball and a mess of a walk rate and WHIP. Then this. I wonder if when he’s cold if he takes off his shirt and wears it as pants.
Aaron Hill – 3-for-4 and has three homers in the last week. Even when I labeled him a bust in the preseason I didn’t think he’d hit below .200. Same could be said of Aramis too.
B.J. Upton – Since he cleared his head, he has a modest 4 game hitting streak with a homer and a steal. It’s not much, but we’ll take a B.J. any way we can get it.
Hisanori Takahashi – 4 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K vs. the Padres in Petco. I learned how to spell your name for this?! There is nothing more frustrating than watching a guy pitch well and ignoring him because you think it’s all magic. Only to watch him pitch well again and again until you start thinking maybe the magic is real. Then, as soon as you pick him up, you see that not only is the magic fake but the stupid white Siberian tiger takes a bite out of your neck. I hope someone hands Takahashi a lit match and shoves him into a fireworks factory.
Mark Reynolds – Left the game with a quad injury. Seems like a day-to-day thing, though with Mini Donkeys it might be a bray-to-bray thing. Never thought he’d approach the steals he had last year, but this lingering injury, which has bothered him since April, probably accounts a bit for the lack of running too.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks and his 10th Win, lowering his ERA to 0.78. I wonder if there’s going to be a lot of babies born this year in Colorado with the name Ubaldo. In 25 years… “Hey, you friends with Ubaldo?” “Which one? Ubaldo Murphy or Ubaldo Patel?” “No, the accountant.” “Oh, Ubaldo Abramowitz. I can’t stand that Ubaldo. He gives all Ubaldo’s a bad name.”