The White Sox signed Jose Abreu to the biggest deal in the history of Cuban baseball if you don’t count the time Fidel, J. Edgar Hoover and a CIA operative, who went by the name of Billy, played a game of stick ball for who would be the patsy in the Kennedy assassination. Middle infielder Lee Harvey’s error let the game-winning run cross home and the rest is history. Jim Bowden believes Jose Abreu can hit 30 homers and a .310 average. This was after Abreu came out in favor of everyone driving Segways, so Bowden might’ve been partial. Oh, who are we kidding? Jim Bowden’s a gooftard who thought Elijah Dukes was the second coming of, well, Elijah. Abreu is a wild card like, really, any Cuban player. He could come in like a Puig and out like an El Duque. Speaking of Puig, Abreu has been better than him and Cespedes in his Cuban baseball career. Also, Abreu gets some rave reviews because he’s considered a ‘good kid.’ Yippee, let’s sing For He’s a Jolly Good Fella and let him bring in our mail when we’re out of town. Doesn’t mean anything. What means something is Abreu can be beat by 92+ MPH fastballs. That means he’s going to have to hit a lot of number 3, 4 and 5 starters. It’s doable, but he’s not going to hit .310 or 30 homers. Since he’s a first baseman, I see him around the Mark Trumbo level. Definitely worth owning in all leagues, but depending on where you have to draft him there might be more risk than he’s worth. For 2014, I’ll give Jose Abreu the projections of 78/26/88/.268/2. Anyway, in other Cuban signings for 2014 fantasy baseball:
Alexander Guerrero – And the Dodgers signed yet another Cuban raftee. Those Dodgers there, they are filled to the rafters! How Alexander Guerrero signed a deal to play in Hollywood and there wasn’t one newspaper with the title, “Showbiz and A.G.” I will never know. You failed, Los Angeles Times. Thankfully, Los Angeles isn’t in Miami or it would be a total free-for-all, humid and aquamarine-tinted. Miami should just formally denounce normal colors. “We, the people of Miami, would like to declare orange and aquamarine as our primary colors.” When you get off the plane in Miami International, someone should be stationed at the gate and spray paint your face orange or aquamarine; your choice. Ever notice how Miami is one of the last cities to ever have race issues? It’s the pastel colors. Put people in pastel colors and what are they looting? Leotards? Sherbet? So, Scott Boras said Alexander Guerrero has the power of Dan Uggla. Yeah, okay. Take a high school C student and Boras can get him into Harvard Law School through the sheer force of his BS. Guerrero will replace Ellis next year at 2nd base, assuming the Dodgers don’t still pay one-point-seven billion for Cano. A.G. has some pop for a middle infielder, but probably won’t hit more than 15 long balls. That’s the sad trombone news. Alexander takes after his brother from another mother with the same last name — Vladimir Guerrero. He swings at anything within a yard sale of home plate. Unlike Vlad the Impala, Alexander might not hit for a great average. Hey, he’s got that in common with Uggla. Excuse Boras for mixing up his comparisons! He also has no speed and I wonder about his motivation. He sat out last year because he didn’t want to play after not being chosen to play for Cuba’s World Baseball Classic team. I can understand his disappointment. He didn’t get to play in a meaningless tournament with 35% of the best players in the world. Take a ‘lude with your ‘tude, ain’t got time for that. For 2014, I see Guerrero giving the line of 63/12/68/.240/2. It’s a’ight for NL-Only play, but he’ll be nothing but a wild card flyer at MI for most mixed leagues.