I call this, “Highlights of Grey and Rudy Panicking Over a Blown Win for Danks,” which is also a Jewel poem title. Chris Sale entered in the ninth, recorded no outs, gave up three hits and three runs. That, sir, is a ‘Fire Sale.’ Then Ozzie brought in Crain, who has a great leg kick. He’s not the best around… Pitched wild, didn’t look good in general then was lifted so Ozzie could avoid Crain vs. Sweeney, which sounds like a Tim Burton film, and brought in Matt Thornton. Bringing in a struggling Thornton with the bases loaded in a 4-2 game is like helping someone with impotence problems by filming them have sex. In the end, Rudy and I lost our Danks win. Is all that clear? Yeah, I don’t know either. I’d hold Thornton and Sale, in that order. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Juan Pierre – 3-for-4 with a run, but would be most valuable in leagues that count brain farts. He was picked off twice and made his 3rd error of the year. You’d expect better judgement from someone named after two apostles.
Hideki Matsui – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer. Now he can reward himself with his epic porn collection.
Jay Bruce – Tweaked his groin. Hey, sounds like Matsui! Reds say Bruce should return by the weekend. Matsui would tell you through a translator that’s prime groin tweaking time.
Jose Valverde – Recorded his 2nd win in two days. In one of our leagues, we only have one win for the entire team after two weeks. I must’ve killed puppies in a former life for my Win Karma.
Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. After the game, Max reentered Michael Chabon’s latest book about the search for Golem.
Lance Berkman – 1-for-3, 5 RBIs and his fourth homer in three games. Sure, it’ll end but there’s no reason why you can’t be there while it’s happening.
Jorge Posada – Now has 4 homers in the first two weeks. The same number of homers as A-Rod. Guys and three girl readers, why do you keep asking me if you should drop him? If he gets 4 homers a month (24 homers on the year), what else do you want? Why is it so hard to not pick at your catcher scab? You’re gonna leave a scar.
David Murphy – 1-for-4 with 2 steals. As I said yesterday, you should pick him up. Wait, is there an echo in here?
Francisco Liriano – 5 IP, 7 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks. Time for our first installment of Point/Counterpoint. Rudy says, “He’s #3 risky pitcher of 2011 and is pitching like he’s trying to prove me correct. He’s now 0-3 with a 9.42 ERA and hasn’t pitched more than 5 innings per start. On the plus side, he only walked one in this game after walking 8 in his first 9 1/3 IP.” Grey says, “He had a terrible fourth inning with a bunch of junky singles. He only threw 78 pitches (53 strikes) into the 6th inning and the last run was given up by Glen Perkins, the pancake king. I’d roll the dice for his next start vs. the O’s, then reevaluate.”
Denard Span – 4-for-5, 2 Runs. A leadoff man who gets 4 singles and doesn’t steal a base is in a nutshell why I don’t like Denard Dawg.
Tim Stauffer – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. I had Wood (not like that) and Stauffer going in many leagues yesterday. Wood looked great, should be owned everywhere. Stauffer is a borderline fifth starter that I’d continue to roll out there for home games for one reason alone, watching a game at Petco is what I imagine watching baseball in 1968 was like.
Orlando Hudson – 1-for-4, and his 5th steal. He’s the Padres hitting star. I.e. the world’s tallest midget.
Aroldis Chapman – 1/3 IP, 1 ER, which usually would be nothing but he was only throwing 92 MPH… Which Usually Would Be Nothing, Part II: The Return of Which Usually Would Be Nothing, that’s nowhere near his top velocity. Dusty might’ve figured out a way to injure Aroldis while not even throwing him that much. It’s an (anti-)medical breakthrough!
Josh Johnson – 7 1/3 IP, 4 baserunners (1 Hit), 9 Ks. To celebrate, his brother, Gosh Johnson, sprayed his co-workers with champagne. At least, everyone hopes it was champagne.
Logan Morrison – Hit his third homer and is batting .317 on the year. I don’t know, sounds okay to me.
Vernon Wells – 1-for-5 and now batting .102, which is also the temperature under the collars of his fantasy owners.
Ian Kennedy – 3 IP, 9 ER. Ouch… Wait, what? Oh, ouch.
Carlos Carrasco – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Now has back-to-back solid starts, though one was against the M’s in Safeco. Have to be in an AL-Only league to get excited about him or any Indians starter. BTW, Carmona ‘n Carrasco sounds like an upscale Mexican restaurant. “Forget your pinatas, hit us!” That’s their slogan.
Wandy Rodriguez – 5 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks. Obviously wasn’t a great start, but the five runs came with two outs in the 1st. If he gets that third out there, Wandy would’ve been fine. (And if if’s and but’s were prunes and nuts, we’d all have to wear diapers.)
Jon Niese – 6 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks. I hate to move on in only the second week of April, but I’ve had it with Niese and his rock n’ jock aerobics.
Justin Smoak – Hit his first homer. He’s not in the greatest home park/lineup for production, but at some point his OBP and power are going to make me look brilliant for liking him even if it was a year or two early. BTW, the Mariners lineup yesterday — Ichiro, Adam Kennedy, Milton Bradley, Jack Cust, Smoak, Ryan Langerhans, Luis Rodriguez, Brendan Ryan and Chris Gimenez. That’s murderer’s row. As in, I’d murder the GM if I were an M’s fan.