Yesterday, Andrew McCutchen nailed down his 3rd straight 20/20 season. He’s once again a top ten on our Player Rater. So, is it The Dread Pirate or Paul Goldschmidt (who notched a slam (34) and legs (15) last night — Au Shizz!) as the 3rd player off the board next year? Miggy and Trout are locked into the ones and twos like you in high school when you briefly thought DJ was a career choice. A case could be made for either of them, and I haven’t decided yet. It’s my, and every fantasy baseball ‘pert’s prerogative, to wait. You can’t just say I’m the handsomest, most musatchioed ‘pert and expect me to drop my pants and get into bed with you. That might work for AJ Mass when you want him to rank Carl Crawford third. Rub my shoulders, they’re sore from 6 months of blurb writing. There, that’s nice… Wait, what were we talking about? Oh, yeah! McCutchen is an easy number three because you’re going to get steals, power, average, RBIs and runs….But Au Shizz gets you all of that with less speed, more power and 1st base eligibility…But McCutchen has a longer track record…But Au Shizz has a higher ceiling…But does he? But-but-but! I got more butts than Leyland’s ashtray. It might come down to a game time decision in January when I release the 2014 rankings…Assuming I don’t ride off into the sunset on a horse like I’m Julia Roberts when it’s time for me to get married this offseason. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Mark Melancon – 1 IP, 2 ER and the blown save. Ugh. One more time with gusto. UGH. Not a good time for his ability to take a dip in the Arthur Kill to surface. The Pirates have to win and they could go with Grilli for the next save, though he hasn’t been terrific either. Here’s hoping Melancon can convert his next save. If you don’t own Melancon, you’re hoping for something else. See how that works?
Tyson Ross – 7 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks in Pittsburgh. Wasn’t an awful matchup, according to the Stream-o-Nator, but SON thinks his next start at home vs. the Diamondbacks is worse, which I think is slightly crazy. I like The One Where Ross Starts At Home (With A Pet Monkey And Dating A Girl He Has No Business Dating While Making White People Jokes).
Charlie Morton – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. Another guy the Stream-o-Nator and I aren’t seeing eye-to-eye on. It doesn’t like his next start in Wrigley at all. Wrigley can be tricky if the wind is blowing out (which I don’t think SON knows, unless it’s a time traveler), but the Pirates need to win and the Cubs are garbage. I’d risk the start there if I needed it or my name isn’t Grey Periwinkle Albright.
Matt Adams – Left yesterday’s game with elbow soreness. It didn’t look good. He didn’t even wait until going into the clubhouse before fashioning his manssiere into a sling.
Alejandro De Aza – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer. 2nd homer of September to go with a .200 average and one steal. Alejandro has not been hot like Mexico.
Jacoby Ellsbury – Says he’ll be back for the regular season. I imagine that means he’ll be a defensive replacement in the final game of the season and say, “See, I told you!”
Jeremy Affeldt – Done for the year. There goes Gilbert Gottfried’s job announcing him into games too.
Billy Hamilton – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and 4 steals as he got his first major league start. For early 2014 projectors, if Hamilton gets 162 games next year, he steals 500 bases.
A.J. Griffin – 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks. Next time out, Alfredo Jettuccine gets a rematch of yesterday’s game in the Los Angeles Suburb of Anaheim. Still a decent stream, but be careful if the A’s have clinched by then.
Coco Crisp – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. Imagine what he could’ve done if he wasn’t hurt this year. HAHAHAHA…Oh, wait, that wasn’t funny. Stupid drugs.
Yoenis Cespedes – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer. I hope he comes at a discount next year due to his ~.240 average. Damn, that tilde is sexy. It’s a symbol of my love.
Grant Balfour – 1 IP, 2 ER and the blown save. Has been a bit of a mess recently (8 ER in his last ten outings). He’s in no danger of losing his job this late in the year, but the A’s might rest him here and there to get his head on straight. I grabbed Doolittle in one league for the chance at a vulture save or two. He could Doomuch.
Josh Hamilton – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer. When there’s ten days left and you’re raising your average with a 1-for-4 day, you should be even more embarrassed than starring in an endless loop of Head & Shoulders commercials. At least it’s better than the pig driving a convertible or the one with the guy from Broken Lizard. Do baseball games only have 3 commercials? Fox Sports, sell your thirty second spots to someone else, please!
Denard Span – 1-for-5, 1 run as he extended his hitting streak to 29 games. “Please get to the offseason with a 40-game hitting streak.” That’s an exec at the MLB Network as they try to figure out what to program for six months.
Phil Hughes – 3 1/3 IP, 2 ER. Hughes gives up homers like John Hughes wrote teen scripts — by the dozen.
Colby Rasmus – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer and his 4th straight game with a homer. Colby’s a Survivor! (Yes, it’s back; God, I love that show. Pretty excited about the new season format too. Think it would’ve been more interesting without the returning players and just family members, but there’s not much Survivor can do wrong in my book. The title of said book is, “Just Don’t Do Anymore Outcasts Seasons and I Can Do Without Redemption Island.”) Colby’s also a hot schmotato.
Alcides Escobar – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 21st steal. This month he’s looked the best he’s looked since April, which is kinda like saying one politician is better than another, but there ya go.
Chris Archer – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.03. Could see really liking this guy next year, so Archer would be my beau. Pun point!
Michael Cuddyer – Left yesterday’s game with a forearm contusion. Ah, the ol’ “I’m leading the batting race” injury. Well played, Cuddyer!
Adam Wainwright – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 8 Ks in Coors to up his record to 17-9, which would’ve won the Cy Young 20 years ago when dinosaurs like Murray Chass roamed the earth. Though, Carl Everett disagrees.
Derek Holland – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks. Gets the Astros next in the lamest Texas rivalry since Oprah vs. the beef industry. Like she’s turning down a prime rib. The beef’ers should’ve just asked to see her colon.
Tyler Thornburg – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Cubs. I streamed him in this game in one league (I had some room for the risk), and it worked out well, but Richard Chamberlain and the Thornburgs gets the Braves next, which isn’t as easy to call right now. If they clinch everything by that game and sit a bunch of their regulars, then I could see it. That’s a broader point — 4 Girl Readers, “Who you calling a broad?” — once a club clinches, I’d look at starting the pitcher who faces them the day after their celebration.
Khris Davis – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 10th homer, which comes a day after he hit his 51st Khomer.
Hisashi Iwakuma – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. Justin Verlander (7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks). If I owned Hisashi in every league this year, I’d be turning Japanese. That’s not a racist slur; I mean it as in the song where ‘turning Japanese’ means masturbating because when one does they squint their eyes. That isn’t racist at all.
Franklin Gutierrez – 3-for-5, 2 runs and a slam (8) and legs (3). The Big FraGu hasn’t been playing every day, but when he does play he plays right field. You thought I was gonna say when he does play, he hits? You got head faked. Keep your eyes on my mid-section and that won’t happen. *blows whistle* Okay, time for laps. Stop groaning!
Justin Smoak – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. Would’ve been a nice batty call since he crushes Verlander…Oh, wait, everyone crushes Verlander this year.
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer. If he gets to 25 homers after missing almost 40 games, I’m gonna go right back in on him. Not like that, silly! That’s dirty!
Ed Lucas – 2-for-5 and his 4th homer. Wasn’t Ed Lucas the star of some crappy show set in a bowling alley? Or maybe he was the guy who kept trying to get into the Oscars, posing as George’s nephew. Eh, maybe not. Lucasflimflam has been hitting (near .375 in the last week), and could be a short-term hot schmotato.
Cesar Hernandez – 2-for-4, 1 run. I’ve told you three days in a row to pick him up. What, you don’t like anchovies? Just go with Cesar!
Gregor Blanco – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. He’s hitting near .500 in the last week and playing nearly every day. That ‘nearly’ does add a small wrinkle. Nearly, “Try sleeping with some cucumber slices on your eyes.”
Matt Cain – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. Yup, this game was in Metco, but his post-All-Star break ERA is near 2.50 and is looking like a solid bounce back guy for next year or so everyone will say.
Travis d’Arnaud – Out of the lineup after taking a foul ball off his shoulder. Weird, my Cougar loves foul balls on her shoulder.
Ruben Tejada – Season ended with a broken fibula, which is colloquially known as the lying bone.
Jason Heyward – Took batting practice yesterday. Braves were happy with what he did since it was the first time he saw live pitching in about a month. Geez, Heyward, you could watch a game while you’re injured. Heyward hopes to return sometime next week. Read: a game or two before the playoffs. Hey, Simon didn’t say read!
Justin Upton – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his first homer in a month that doesn’t start with an A*. *No actual research done for that, but it feels that way.
Andrelton Simmons – Sat out yesterday with neck soreness. He should’ve just had one of his buddies touch it.