Seems like Andre Ethier followed Natalie Portman’s advice in Garden State a little too closely when she told Braff that The Shins will change your life. Dodgers announced that Ethier would miss 10 to 14 weeks with a fractured tibia. What is that, two days after I drafted Ethier in Tout Wars? Two and a half? One and one three-quarters of a tibia later? All you can do is laugh. A high-pitched, crazed laugh like when you lose your job, then step in an empty elevator shaft. One of those real crazy laughs that you expect to hear from someone pushing a shopping cart filled with Ho-Ho boxes that have been removed of Ho-Hos and replaced with dog turds. One of those kind of laughs. Filling in for Ethier will be some combo of Scott Van Slyke, Carl Crawford, Kike Hernandez and Trayce Thompson, a group that could be summarized with: Bleh, Meh, Jewish, Girl. I removed Ethier from my top 100 outfielders and top 500. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for fantasy baseball:
Mike Bolsinger – Will start the year on the DL with an oblique injury. He will join Brett Anderson, Hyun-Jin Ryu and Brandon McCarthy on the DL from the Dodgers rotation. That leaves the candidates to replace Bolsinger as Carlos Frias, Zach Lee or a brand new car! The car is a Honda CR-V with all-road control and the full entertainment package. You can see now Pamela showcasing the spacious trunk. Is it obvious I’m writing this while watching The Price is Right?
Yasmani Grandal – Undergoing tests for his sore forearm. Dodgers manager, Dave Roberts, said the situation with Grandal is disconcerting. The way the Dodgers are going Dave Roberts will be hitting leadoff, and Vin Scully will have to brush off his Shawn Zarraga anecdotes.
Rymer Liriano – Sustained multiple facial fractures after being hit in the face by a Matt West pitch. Rather upsetting was Matt West’s reaction. It’s aBOAT time you showed some command with your fastball! Wouldn’t be shocked to see Rymer miss at least a month, if not more. Incredibly, the team I drafted for CBS NL-Only has now lost three guys in the span of three weeks. Hopefully it’s not a plague on all of the guys I own. Fingers crossed for Gregory Polanco dbsaicbw21*– Okay, fingers crossed when I’m done typing. Though, this Rymer news is not all roses dyed black like you’re Dave Navarro wooing a woman, because filling in for Liriano will be Keon Broxton, who sounds like he should have Jonathan Broxton’s butt. Last year in the minors, Broxton hit 10 homers and stole 40 bases. Dot dot dot. CAN I HAVE HIS CHILDREN?! CAN I AT LEAST WATCH HIM MAKE CHILDREN?! CAN I ASSIST WITH HIS BABYMAKING?! What’s that? He could also hit .190? Damn, Keon, not only do you sound like the black friend who shuts down any talk of me hooking up with your sister, but you also straight poop on my upside party. Considering how late he’ll be drafted, Broxton is solid flyer. In the top 100 outfielders, I added him and projected him for 52/7/58/.209/18. Definitely worth a flyer in deep leagues, but don’t expect too much.
Marlon Byrd – Signed with the Indians. Indians this offseason signed Venable, Uribe, Rajai, Napoli and Byrd. Indians win the offseason award for “Most Concerted Effort To Appear To Do Something While Doing Nothing.” Would be an actual game plan if they were in rebuild mode, but they have one of the best pitching staffs in baseball. The Indians should be ashamed of themselves, and Chief Wahoo should be crying like he just saw someone litter.
Tyler Naquin – In lead for Indians centerfield job. This doesn’t come as a surprise if you listened to our fantasy baseball podcast when I returned from Arizona. Naquin was a guy that impressed against righties and looked like NyQuil vs. lefties. Prospector Ralph also gave Naquin a shoutout in his rookie sleepers for 2016 fantasy baseball. It should’ve been obvious to everyone that Naquin would get the strong side of the centerfield platoon for the Indians. They’re required to have one player who sounds like a Native American and Naquin fits the bill, and Marlon Byrd refused to change his name to Sitting Byrd. Naquin could offer some AL-Only appeal, but he doesn’t have big power or speed. I added him in the top 100 outfielders.
Brandon Maurer – Headed to the bullpen. He could be in the saves picture at some point this year because: “Alex, I’ll take Fernando Rodney for $200.” “This pitcher is terrible.” “Who is Fernando Rodney?”
Bronson Arroyo – Good news is his MRI was misread and he doesn’t have a torn labrum. He’ll only miss four to six weeks. Bad news: more guitar solos.
Lucas Giolito – A scout told Jayson Stark that Giolito will be up by June. But what about Arroyo?! Kidding, of course. Arroyo’s not even good on a backing instrument at karaoke. I’ve only projected Giolito for 80 IP in my top 100 starters, and I’m not changing that projection as of now. If he came up in mid-June, he would only get about 20 to 30 more innings than 80 anyway.
Sean Doolittle – Nursing a triceps strain. Doolittle takes things too literal. If he were named Sean Doomuch, I’d be more enthused for him. Or even Sean DooSAGNOF. I’m not moving Doolittle yet in my rankings, but I already have him in the Brain Freeze section of my top 500, so I’m not expecting much more than Doolittle.
Josh Hamilton – Rangers said Hamilton has “turned a corner.” Thank God he wasn’t in a circular booth. How would he know when to stop?
Avisail Garcia – Sat out the other day with a sore wrist. This doode is such a schmohawk. He finally gets an opportunity and he hurts the one thing he needs as a DH — his friggin’ wrists! Overheard in the White Sox clubhouse, “I wish Avisail was Adam LaRoche’s child so we could get rid of him.”
Jon Lester – Was reported he has a bone chip in his pitching elbow. He should get a tattoo that reads, “Lay’s, betcha can’t pitch with just one.” Or not, totally his call. He says he’s been pitching with it for most of his career and it shouldn’t be a problem unless it moves. Lester is 32 years old, so it’s not like he came without any risk. This doesn’t feel like an additional reason to panic. “Yes?” Not you, Joe Panik.
David Hernandez – Threw the other day without any pain. Andrew Bailey has been successful as a closer when healthy, but that ‘when’ has its own airport. I would not rule out Hernandez getting the most saves on the Phils this year.
Odubel Herrera – Dealing with a bruised finger. Phils’ manager, Pete Macktheknife, is worried about Odubel’s finger. Hey, Pete, I hate to do this to you, but you should be worried about your whole team.
Kevin Gausman – Diagnosed with shoulder tendinitis. Before you do anything drastic, I’m gonna take you into the WayBack Machine to 2014. The Grand Budapest Hotel was just released, Donald Trump just reprimanded Lil Jon for his effort at a Wetzel’s Pretzel charity event on The Celebrity Apprentice, and Bruce Jenner was pasting pictures of his face on Jessica Lange’s body. Around the same time that spring of 2014, Cole Hamels had shoulder tendinitis. He went on to throw 204 2/3 IP with a 2.46 ERA that year. Guys and five girl readers, it’s very early, and shoulder tendinitis is less of a concern than many other shoulder/elbow/arm issues. Is this great news? No, dur. But it’s not the end of Gausman as a decent endgame flyer.
Justin Morneau – Out until midseason after having elbow surgery. He could sign with a team in the 2nd half, such as the Tokyo Dragons or the Osaka Weird Game Show Hosts.
Sonny Gray – Battling a dead arm. He should dress his arm up like Bernie from Weekend at Bernie’s. Or, I guess, Bernie Sanders, same diff. A dead arm isn’t as ominous as it sounds, but I also told you not to draft him with my Sonny Gray schmohawk post, so it’s easy to say it’s not ominous when I don’t want any part of him.
Madison Bumgarner – Struggling with his delivery. I wouldn’t be too worried as he tinkers with his mechanics. I would be worried if my mechanic’s name was Tinkers.
Carson Smith – Diagnosed with a strained flexor muscle. Andrew Miller had a similar injury last year and missed a month. This news blurb was brought to you by ESPN where only Red Sox and Yankees exist.
Pablo Sandoval – John Farrell said Yo-Yo Diet Panda has to earn his way onto the field. Sandoval only has to beat Travis Shaw and Brock Holt, so I like his chances, but if Cousin Sweatpants plays like last year in April, his leash could be shorter than someone’s dog walking past Michael Vick.
Daniel Norris – Undergoing tests on his lower back after leaving Tuesday’s start with stiffness. Well, that’s definitely less awkward than lower front stiffness. This sounds like a situation where he’ll start the year on the DL, then join the Tigers in time to be their fifth starter. I could be wrong. I mean, that’s possible, I guess.
Jon Gray – Left yesterday’s game with tightness in his abdomen. Don’t worry, fans of Jon Gray, in four years Ray Searage will fix him. My Magic Eight Ball says so.
Brad Boxberger – Out eight weeks with core muscle surgery. Someone is taking this dismantling of Common Core seriously. While Boxberger is sidelined, I could see Alex Colome or Danny Farquhar taking the closer reins, but I doubt it will be one clearcut above the other. I’d put them at 60/40 with Colome in the lead. In my top 500, I made adjustments.
Ruben Tejada – Signed with the Cardinals. The Cards had expressed no interest in Tejada previously, but, to be fair, even if Tejada is on your team, it’s hard to express interest. I haven’t updated my top 20 shortstops because Ruben is not recommended unless you’re at Langer’s.
