One guy you drafted in the 2nd round. The Ethier guy you drafted in the last round just so you’d have someone to draft when Rauch became the closer for the Nots. One guy will get drafted again in the first five rounds next year; the Ethier guy may be grabbed as a fifth outfielder then dropped when he’s doing a blahtoon with some other Dodgers schmohawk. None of this affects what you are doing for the next two weeks of this season. For realz! No, seriously. For realz! Don’t make me get punny…. Fine! Ethier you want to win or you don’t. No one’s going to say in October, “Hey, you came in 2nd, but at least you held onto Doumit. You owed it to him after all the great games he gave you in June.” Throw your loyalty out the window. Vlad was good okay in the summer, but the Angels have clinched and they’re going to rest their big man. Ethier has been the hottest hitter in all of baseball for over a month. Respectively, that’s buy and sell or drop and add at this point in the season, because they mean the same thing. You knew that though, that’s like Econ 101 in the Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston. Anyway, here’s some fantasy baseball players to buy and sell:
Kelly Johnson – Mentioned him the other day. Where, Grey? My brain hurts! Pickup Kelly Johnson. BTW, you’re lame, random italicized voice in my head.
Asdrubal Cabrera - Batting close to .500 for the last seven games. At this point, I don’t care that he batted .240 on the year or that his first name is a anal leakage diagnosis. This is September! Act like it! (Sorry, for all the exclamation points, but I just bought a new coffee maker and I’ve been going a bit overboard on the caffeine. Speaking of ‘Overboard,’ at least once a year I’ll talk to my Mom and she’ll be watching this Goldie Hawn classic. It never gets old. I think that’s the ultimate mom movie.)
Joey Votto – In the last two weeks, Votto’s been more valuable than Teixeira, Berkman, Atkins, Youuuuuuk, Adrian Gonzalez, Conor Jackson, Casey Kotchman and Prince Fielder. (I don’t endorse dropping Fielder, no matter how good it might feel.) Votto’s the da bomb as they said in high schools back in 2004.
Rajai Davis – It’s with great pause I suggest this schmohawk. But if you need speed, eff it in the cooley and grab Rajai.
Pablo Sandoval – Maybe he won’t slow down until April. Maybe he’ll hit .330 for the next seven years. Who cares? What, you plan on keeping Pudge for next year?
Brandon Wood – For about two weeks now, I’ve been pushing Wood hard. Um… Wait. No, that’s what I meant.
Blake DeWitt – He has 2nd base elgibility. Holy heffin’ hey, are you kidding me?! He’s in Coors this weekend. Why isn’t he on your team? What, you have Polanco? Ugh. I’ll never understand you. Never!
Jesse Litsch – No, I don’t really like the Jays pitcher/slash Rays ex-bat boy, but I do right now. Just be careful against the Sawx next time out.
James Parr – Has yet to give up a run, but that could end in a big way or not. You have to take chances in the final weeks when players like Lackey are being skipped because their club clinched.
Kevin Slowey – I already explained why I think Slowey’s a keeper. Why would you want me to repeat myself?
Bronson Arroyo – I hate this schmohawk as much as the next guy, but he’s pitching well. You have to take some chances in these final weeks.
Taylor Teagarden – 4 HRs in 24 at-bats.
Gerald Laird – 6 HR in 305 at-bats. See a quarter of an inch above.
John Lackey – Mentioned him above. I know what you’re thinking. His two starts are better than most guy’s three starts. True, but what if they pull him after 5 innings of the 2nd start because they just want him to throw. Or maybe he pitches surrounded by the Angels B offense. Still as appealing?
Victor Martinez – Maybe next year he’ll come back and he’ll be like Resurrection: Tupac, but for right now he looks like Black Sheep’s followup to A Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing.
Rickie Weeks – I gotta say whoever is holding onto him, you show great loyalty. Not the best judgment, but your loyalty is impeccable.
Conor Jackson – Imagine a world where a first baseman gave you a little bit of everything, but that little bit reminds you of a 2nd baseman’s stats. Then you have Conor Jackson attached to play the lead. Would that be something you’d be interested in?