We laughed, we cried, we laughed and cried about Eric Hosmer. Take off your homemade aluminum hat that you wear so aliens can’t hear your thoughts and think back to March. You had that argument with your mom and you ran out of the house screaming, “I wish you were Evan Longoria!” Then when he went to the DL, you ran back into your house and screamed, “I love you Mom, can I move back into the basement?!” Then you streamed Philip Humber for his perfect game and you thought that this was a great time to change your hummingbird tattoo to a Humberbird tattoo complete with his likeness. Then at the All-Star Break, you thought about how you’ve had no life for the last three months, but the All-Star Break ended a few days later and it didn’t bother you anymore. Then you took a trip to the grocery store with your fantasy team jersey that had 24 different team mascots on it and someone thought you were Gaylord Perry and you punched them in the mouth because you hadn’t spoken to a human being in almost 6 weeks. Then as Miguel Cabrera won the Triple Crown, you remembered why you love this game. After all, Miggy is the first player since Carl Yastrzemski in 1967 and the heaviest Triple Crown winner since Seattle Slew in 1977. Then as that excitement wore off, you sat there and thought about how it’s as good a time as any to re-insert yourself into the real world… Well, as soon as the fantasy basketball season is over. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Craig Kimbrel – Closed out game #162 with a ‘Kimbrel’ (1 IP, 0 ER, 3K). Ends the year with 42 SV, 116 K, 1.01 ERA, a 0.65 WHIP, and a top 25 finish on the Fantasy Baseball Player Rater. He struck out more in 62 2/3 IP than 4 different pitchers who pitched 180 IP (Zito, Richard, Guthrie, Alvarez). If Joe Torre was his manager, he might’ve challenged Nolan Ryan’s single season record for strikeouts (383).
A.J. Burnett – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER against a Braves team that pulled all of their regulars after one at-bat. His first name may be Apple Juice, but yesterday I felt like The Little Rascals yelling “Aw, applesauce!”
Bryan LaHair – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and a homer to end the season on a high note. For any of you who fell into a coma for the past 5 months and didn’t update your lineup, congrats on the homer!
Travis Wood – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Astros, but Altuve sat out, so this was the Astros’ B lineup. The Astros’ B lineup used to come with a Killer B’s poster with Bagwell, Biggio and Berkman. Now the Astros have a poster with the Illest B Lineup that just reads, “Support Euthanasia.”
Ryan Zimmerman – 1-for-3 and his 25th homer. Or his 22nd homer after I dropped him, which came after he gave me 200 ABs of a .236 average and crizzap. This makes me wonder what Hosmer would’ve done if I only dropped him. He might’ve hit 40 homers and explained to me what the hell Tree of Life was about.
Justin Upton – 3-for-4, 18th steal. The Diamondbacks owner said it was highly unlikely that Upton would remain with the team next year. Maybe they can trade him for B.J. and then they can help reunite their parents. Or maybe that’s The Parent Trap.
Blake Beavan – 8 IP, 0 ER. Stream-o-Nator, “See you next year, snitches!”
Cliff Lee – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. Fitting he ends the year with a QS and a loss. He ends the year with 6 wins, 21 QS, and a compulsion to poop in hero rolls, cover it in cheese whiz, and hand them out to the Phillie offense.
Ike Davis – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 32nd homer. Statement: I think I’m gonna draft Ike Davis on every team next year. Reasoning: 1st base is gonna be kinda ugly, so for the first time in the history of Razzball we’re gonna be filling our stockings with 1st basemen later in the draft. Speaking of which, in that picture of me, I’m wearing stockings and no pants. Keep that image with you all offseason!
Ruben Tejada – 3-for-5 and zero runs. He ends the season with 53 runs. For a leadoff hitter. A leadoff hitter with a .289 average. I’m officially the only one amazed by this.
Jose Reyes – 1-for-4 with his 4oth steal. I told you; Reyes leaves no empty personal accomplishment on the cutting room floor. Fun Fact! Jose Reyes once drove seventy minutes out of his way to Zzyzx, California so he could beat his 12-year-old niece in The Alphabet Game.
Fernando Rodney – Recorded his 48th save and ended the season with a 0.60 ERA and the lowest ERA ever for a reliever with at least 60 innings. That would make a world class porn star do a spit take.
Jeremy Hellickson – 5 1/3 IP, 2 baserunners, 0 ER, 6 Ks as the Rays pitching held O’s hitting to five hits over the last 18 innings. Looks like Selig screwed up the O’s deal with the devil when he had regular season play go into October.
Evan Longoria – 3-for-4 with three solo homers. Just call him, Octongoria. Has now hit 5 homers in his last six at-bats in Game 162’s. Longoria said he approaches game 162 the same way he approaches every game. He shuts “I Got You Babe” off the radio, ducks away from this annoying guy who keeps trying to selling him insurance, steps in a puddle and reports to the stadium.
Dan Johnson – Hit 3 homers yesterday. He was also a part of the home run barrage last year for the Rays on the last game of the season. Maybe Dan Johnson’s manager should give him a pink slip before each game, so he hits like every game is his last.
Robinson Cano – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 6 RBIs and 2 homers as he adds an exclamation mark to “the worst excuse ever for complaining about a draft when ESPN crashed and I ended up with Cano instead of Votto.”
Curtis Granderson – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and two homers to add a bigger question mark to whether he was worth a 2nd round pick.
Shelby Miller – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks. He’ll be in the rotation in April. Yes, I’m gonna like him. Giddy up, guys and four girls!
Adrian Beltre – 3-for-4, 1 RBI as he ends the year 95/36/102/.321/1, giving you everything you could’ve wished for (within reason; he’s not going to get that cute girl’s number for you). That’s now three straight years of solid numbers. I’ll be going over all positions in the recaps that are starting now that the season is over, but just wanted to say that Beltre scares me a lot more than he should. I know it’s not a suppressed childhood trauma either because I like Brandon Belt.
Brandon Moss – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs. At the All-Star Break, Oakland had lost more games than it had won, carried one of the lowest payrolls in all of baseball, lost pitchers to injuries and suspensions, was counting on the return of Manny Ramirez and, the whole while, Billy Beane was hitting the weights in their clubhouse. They rallied behind a cast of characters that wouldn’t be believable even if they were played by a fat Jonah Hill and Brad Pitt. Coco Crisp wasn’t a table setter, he’s a breakfast cereal; the Cuban import, Yoenis couldn’t stay healthy, taking advantage of our non-free healthcare, the only trade they could afford was for Stephen Drew, Seth Smith wasn’t even a tharter before this year and Brandon Moss and Chris Carter were fingercuffing 1st base. All they had left was a bunch of rookie pitchers… A bunch of rookie pitchers that should’ve been running on fumes by September. Those rookie pitchers set a major league record by winning 53 games and the A’s climbed to the top of the toughest division in baseball. Yesterday, that A’s crowd was easily the most alive I’ve ever seen Oakland fans, aside from when they were doing The Bernie Lean. And that, over-the-internet friend, is baseball.