Say it’s not so News Report! News Report, “I’m sorry, Grey, your handsomeness and mustache make me want to lie to you, but Edwin Encarnacion is probably being shut down for the year.” Is it because anything I did? “No, you’ve gone above and beyond anything I could’ve hoped for. Thanks for the $10 marathon donation too. A real mensch, you are!” I could’ve done without the second reminder to donate on Facebook. “Can we discuss this privately?” So, players are dropping like flies. Not those African tsetse flies that have been known to live for six months after they burrow into your skull. They’re dropping like fruit flies near your backyard bug zapper. In most leagues, I’d lose Encarnacion immediately. Blue Jays Manager said Edwin’s probably done for the year, and even if he returns, he’s dealing with a sore wrist, which is, ya know, not good for hitting. Comatose Blue Jays Fan, “At least he’ll be ready for the playoffs! Right?” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Scott Kazmir – 4 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks. Sometimes you get the soft touch of Cashmere, sometimes you get the turbulence of Kashmir.
Jason Kipnis – 1-for-4 and his 27th steal. He’s now batting near .240 with 4 homers and 5 steals in the 2nd half, and two of those homers came in the first two games after the All-Star Game. The prevailing thought when I told you to sell him right after the All-Star break was I had a chemical imbalance. Doesn’t look like I need serotonin now, does it? Are you sure you want to go there? Shut up, Random Italicized Voice!
Emilio Bonifacio – 3-for-5, 2 runs. I wonder where this Bonifacio was in Toronto. Was he too distracted by the giant Toblerones that are in the Duty Free shops? That shizz rattles me when I go international, too.
Lorenzo Cain – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI and 2 steals., and I streamed him the day before for steals. Too bad FOR ME, which is really what this is all about. Interviewer, “Grey, how do you write 2500 words a day about fantasy baseball?” Interviewee, “I need an outlet to vent about the miserable pricks that are baseball players. Oh, and I love baseball. A contradiction perhaps.” Interviewer, “I’m sorry, I got a text, what were you saying?”
Alex Gordon – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 19th homer, and 15th from the leadoff spot, i.e., he should have 25 more RBIs. Fargin’ iceholes.
James Shields – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks as Shields and the Royals did away with the Indians. Pretty easy win, but wait until in four hundred years when an ancestor of Lonnie Chisenhall opens a casino and Shields’s ancestor loses their money on video poker.
Joe Mauer – Was sent home feeling irritable, due to his concussion symptoms. Are we totally sure when Morneau was traded he didn’t accidentally leave behind his swirly-eyed glasses and Mauer put them on? I pregunta, for serious. If you’re waiting for Mauer to return this season, you got a better chance of catching the Hitter-Tron passing up a consumer electronics convention. “You don’t sell lube at the door?!” That’s Hitter-Tron irate at CES.
A.J. Burnett – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. If you’re not desperate for Ks, I think Apricot Juice’s run as being a viable option in most mixed leagues has come to an end. Actually, it came to an end about a month ago, but I’m feeling generous. Stupid, charitable Grey!
Justin Morneau – 4-for-5, 2 runs, which makes him 4 for his last 19. Guess how many hits he had coming into this game in the last week? Trick question! He went 2-for-4 a week ago. I learned that trick from David Blaine. David Blaine, your magic is real and I believe in you!
Matt Garza – 4 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks. His ERA on the Rangers is now up to 4.46. Rangers would’ve been better just putting Ogando back in the rotation. It could happen still. Ron Washington said, “I wouldn’t be shocked if Ogando starts a game and I wouldn’t be shocked if he didn’t start a game.” I’d be shocked if I were him if a guy started a game and I didn’t know beforehand, since he is the manager.
Moises Sierra – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his first steal, hitting .291 since he was called up with one homer and is five for his last eight. As I tell the ladies, it’s not the biggest sample size, but it just depends what he does with it.
David Wright – Was able to run the bases yesterday. The Mets put a Cougar at first base to chase him. “Jennifer Coolidge is gaining on Wright around 2nd…And just missed pinching his butt!” The Mets are saying Wright could return next week. The Mets should do an outreach program with the Rockies and let Wright pinch-hit for Carlos Gonzalez.
Yusmeiro Petit – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. That’s like following up Ralph Macchio with Hilary Swank. Bring back the near-perfect, Ralph Macchio!
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and is five for his last 12, and I’m picking him up for his road games in Arizona, then back to Colorado for a week. Oh, won’t you, won’t you join me? Is that a song? It sounds like Julie Andrews in my head.
Michael Cuddyer – 3-for-4, 1 run. Chris Johnson better pick up his game, otherwise the world’s most uninteresting batting title race may go to Cuddyer.
Paul Maholm – Went back to Atlanta for an MRI on his elbow. I hear the MRIs in Atlanta are the best in the world. One Yelp review of an Atlanta-area MRI machine says, “It buzzed, hummed and tapped loudly, but Jermaine Dupri was there to give me earplugs.” Maholm’s MRI came back negative. Thankfully, it wasn’t one of those Dallas/Ft. Worth MRIs.
Alex Wood – Will have his next start skipped because he’s 22 years old and that’s what clubs do this time of year. Freddy Garcia will get Wood’s start today vs. the Marlins. I guess I was wrong when I thought I saw Freddy Garcia making smoothies at Jamba Juice yesterday. Must’ve been The Great Khali.
Dan Uggla – Since he’s returned from LASIK surgery, he’s hitting .133 and now he’s not even starting in favor of Elliot Johnson. Uggla was hoping the eye surgery would’ve helped, but years of using The Opti-Grab has left him useless.
Evan Gattis – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer. Get out your bone marrow-digging-out tiny fork, El Osso Bucco is ripe for the plucking!
Jose Fernandez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks and he pitchslapped Mike Minor (6 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks). This was Fernandez’s last start of the season, leaving him with an ERA of…Wait, how about you guess? Go ahead, I’ll wait. *scratches head, flips through TV channels, stops on Jeopardy!, draws a Sharpie mustache on Trebek’s face* Okay, I’m done waiting for you. Fernandez’s ERA is 2.19. WOW. And I’m not talking about Wipe it Out Wednesdays. Seriously. Two. Point. One. Nine. Jesus.
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 20th homer. At this point next year, I’ll be saying something like, “That gives Stanton 70 homers over the last 12 months, and I appreciate the kind words. It was really my fault for not following the 500 foot restriction between me and Mr. Stanton. Don’t worry, these bars can’t hold my words.”
Brad Peacock – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Mariners. Cock-a-doodle-that! Is that an expression? It should be.
Jonathan Villar – 2-for-5, 1 run and yet another steal. All he does is steal! Well, and some of other things occasionally, but you should only concern yourself with his stealing, which he does a lot of.
Patrick Corbin – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, lowering his ERA to 2.92. Solid year from Corbin but has been a tad lucky, and I can’t imagine he’ll come at a big enough discount next year that I own him, but he might. In other words, I have no idea. If you had him this year though, shake your own hand. You did well.
Paul Goldschmidt – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs. Au Shizz! Now start hitting some damn homers again.
Yasiel Puig – 2-for-4 and his 16th homer. Has definitely cooled off since his monster run at the All-Star Game. During that run, he nearly ran through a wall. He’s in the same boat as Corbin, where I’m not entirely sure where he’ll be draft next year. Not literally in the same boat, that was with Yoenis. I know where I’ll draft him, but where he’ll go is a different story. A story for another time.
Marcus Semien – 0-for-3. Did nothing yesterday, but Rudy brought up a good point to me. In the box score, his name is written M. Semien, and it looks like a porn Zorro.
Jose Quintana – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Tigers to lower his ERA to 3.56. Valiant effort against the mighty–Oh, who cares? He gets the Twins next; grab him if you need a streamer.
Anibal Sanchez – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.50. Yeah, I Mr. Bungle’d Anibal in the preseason. Not in the preseason of the previous year though when I loved him. We just crossed streams, leaving me slimed.
Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks. Real nice start after looking like the dog’s breakfast for about three months, which is fine, dandy, adjective, but he goes to Coors next. Lates, Lynn!
Matt Adams – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Would anyone complain if his home run trot ended with The Truffle Shuffle? Oh, and stop being a fatist and pick up Adams.
Ryan Zimmerman – 2-for-5 and a slam (22) and legs (6). His 7th homer in the last 8 games. This jockstuffer is starting to resemble John Holmes, who has the worst picture in the history of pictures when you Google his name. Seriously, don’t Google it. Please, I beg you. The more I say don’t Google it, the more you want to, right? Seriously, don’t! Google donkey bukkake before you Google his name.
Dan Haren – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 8 Ks in Metco. Anyone that says the H2H playoffs is just like real baseball, ask them if pitchers in real baseball regularly face teams in the playoffs where the best hitter is Matt den Dekker.
Zack Wheeler – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.22. If the Mets had any common sense, they’d shut Wheeler down after this start. “You did good, kid. We’ll see you in Florida in February.” That’s all they have to do. They just need to get him to his third year in the major leagues without any arm injuries and he’ll be a 2.75 ERA pitcher with 250 Ks. Either way, I’ll still be fawning over Wheeler next year like an Asian girl in a Hello Kitty superstore.
Danny Valencia – 4-for-4, 1 run, hitting near .400 in the last week with three homers in the last eleven games. Who’s the hottest schmotato in all the land? Danny Valencia? It appears that way. The O’s do tend to platoon him, so you’ll have to do the same on your fantasy team.
Bud Norris – Had his start pushed back due to a sore elbow. Hopefully, he pushed back with his good arm.
Ryan Dempster – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 7 Ks, moving his ERA to 4.70. When someone gets the call right, you can do nothing but shake your head and pat them on the back, congratulating them on a job well done. So when I say JB called Dempster a sleeper in the preseason, what do you do? The exact opposite? Nod your head and tweak their nipples? Tickle them?
Coco Crisp – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 19th homer, but came out after the fifth inning because the A’s were beating the Twins by two touchdowns and a safety. Look at Grey flexing his football chops! I’m like Dan Marino in Isotoners, babee!
Jed Lowrie – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer. This game should’ve been called in the 6th and the A’s players’ parents should’ve had to buy the Twin players ice creams.
Josh Hamilton – 3-for-3, 1 run. Him and Ryan Zimmerman not only don’t like you, but they’re going out of their way to confuse you next March.
Cliff Lee – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.97. Take that, Stephen King, and your hatred of all adverbs.
Freddy Galvis – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Four days ago, he had his first four hit game and a homer. The Phils seem like they want to see what they have with Galvis. I could tell them that he has speed and Freddy is okay; he’s okay, Freddy! Freddy is okay; he’s okay, Freddy! Now steal some bases, you Smooth Criminal.
Jedd Gyorko – 1-for-3 and his 18th homer and 2nd in four games. If he didn’t miss a month of the season, we’d be talking about how he’s approaching 25 homers and having a tremendous season. Definitely will be someone to go back in on next year.
Devin Mesoraco – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer in only 298 ABs this year because Dusty insists on playing Ryan Hanigan (2 homers, .212 average in 193 ABs). If Dusty didn’t have his head up his ass, we’d be talking about how Mesoraco broke out this year. Gotta give Dusty credit though, it’s not easy to have your head up your ass with a toothpick in your mouth.
Jeff Samardzija – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks, raising his ERA to 4.44. In the tiles S-A-M-A-R-D-Z-I-J-A, Scrabble Word Finder dot com finds such illustrative words as DISEASEDZIJA, POLLUTEDZIJA and my favorite, ASSFACEZIJA.
Alex Rodriguez – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Buh-buh-buh-but his hamstring was supposedly hurt and he might miss Wednesday’s game. Dah, I shouldn’t have dropped him. That’s all right, I’m gonna pick him back up and I suggest you do the same if you need power. If he’s going to be shooting up right before every at-bat, I want him doing it on my team.
Curtis Granderson – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer. He’s hitting just over .100 in the last week with no other power. He does tend to hit them in bunches like Mr. Chiquita Banana, so this could be the start of something.