You know it’s September when I’m highlighting a guy that could possibly give you maybe one week of just slightly better-than-average stats. Enter stage left, Mark Ellis. Yesterday, he went 3-for-3 with his 4th homer on the season. Is there a meh emoticon? That’s Mark Ellis. He’s a big bottle of “Um, what the hey, I’ll grab Mark Ellis.” He is the guy on waivers that, even when hot, you don’t feel like the three clicks of the mouse to pick him up are worth it. I hear ya. I’m not exactly dropping superlatives on him like I’m Donald Trump describing anything. He’s now batting near .400 in September. Don’t make me tell you to grab him every day this week. Just get him now. He’s hot. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Jason LaRue – Due to multiple kicks to the face by Johnny Lawrence Cueto, LaRue’s retiring. Cueto obviously misunderstood when so many pitchers said they’d love to face LaRue.
Travis Wood – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks. Had some unfounded concerns for this start. He goes to Petco next. I’d get Wood. I mean… No, that’s what I mean.
Chris Johnson – 2-for-3 with his third homer in the last ten games. Compared to, say, Kung Fu Panda, Johnson looks like Mike Schmidt.
Michael Bourn – Out with an oblique strain. Sounds like he might be sidelined until late in the week, at least. It’s The Bourn Calamity.
Joe Blanton – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks. Really deserved the win in this one. Not Blanton. Me! I deserved it. I can’t believe I’m going to lose leagues because I can’t buy a win.
Jayson Werth – 3-for-5 with the South Philly special slam & legs. BTW, Jayson Werth seems way more likely to know and/or talk to Turtle instead of Ryan Howard. You know, Turtle from that show you watch that you have no idea why you watch.
Mark Teixeira – Who has one sore thumb? This guy!
Andy Pettitte – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks. Nice start for a guy who hasn’t toed the major league rubber in two months. The problem, he gets the Red Sox next. I wouldn’t go near that start in most leagues.
Luke Scott – 2-for-3 with his 27th homer. If he hits one homer, he always hits another homer within the week. The preceding was off of memory and no actual facts.
Joe Mauer – Has a jammed knee and is day-to-day, which is day-o to day-o in Jamaica.
Shin-Soo Choo – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer in three games. He reminds me of a slightly younger, much more Korean Bobby Abreu.
Bobby Abreu – Speaking of the 20/20 machine, Abreu hit two homers yesterday to bring his line to 83/20/75/.255/21 for one of those joyless 20/20 campaigns.
Fernando Rodney – Blew the save on Saturday and the Sciosciapath said, “”I have a lot of confidence in Fernando. One got away tonight, unfortunately. But we’re comfortable with the guys out there to hold leads. It’s not going to happen all the time.” So, of course, Jordan Walden got the save on Sunday. In fairness to Scioscia, Rodney had pitched two days in a row.
Mike Napoli – Out with a forearm strain that occurred from his constant pulling for playing time.
Chris Narveson – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K. If it’s any consolation, it’s obviously not the best of luck when you give up six earned and only 8 baserunners.
Barry Enright – Uncle Barry is shutdown for the season. Should free him up to tell bawdy jokes and complain about his wife’s cooking.
Daniel Hudson – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. On the Diamondbacks, his WHIP is under 1 and his ERA is 1.65 in 71 innings with 65 Ks. Yeah, that’s better than that other pitcher you’re thinking of. And that one.
Adrian Beltre – Out with a sore wrist, but I’m guessing he’ll be playing Monday. Wild horses on speed (like in the underrated Ted Danson/Howie Mandel-starrer, A Fine Mess) couldn’t keep Beltre out for an extended period of time during a contract year.
J.D. Drew – Hit his 19th homer yesterday. He’s actually pulled off the rare feat of hitting 19 homers and not once getting hot enough for an extended period of time to be usable in fantasy.
Jon Lester – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Now has a 3.06 ERA on the year and more Ks than IP. I’ll admit it, I kinda love Lester.
Phil Coke – 1/3 IP, 4 ER. Before getting rocked, Leyland said, until Valverde is ready to go, he’ll be going with Coke. Ron Washington said that’s a good move. After getting rocked, I don’t think it’ll be that clear cut. Perry could see some saves.
Jose Guillen – 2-for-4, 6 RBIs. He was almost the lead for this post and I think you should grab him as the hot outfielder off of waivers. He’s hitting near .400 over the last week with two homers. Trust me, pick him up.
Derek Lowe – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks. Lowe’s been pitching well of late and he gets the Nats next. I’d grab him.
Jeff Samardzija – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Marlins and pitched well against the Cards his last time out, the same Cards he gets again in his next start. It’s still not an advisable start with his 7 BBs to 5 Ks in his last two starts.
Welington Castillo – 2-for-4 with his first career homer. Showed some power in Iowa, but he’s a hacker that could be a .220 hitter. He’ll probably split time with Koyie Hill and isn’t worth picking up unless he gets crazy hot or you’re just crazy crazy.
Tyler Colvin – Will miss the rest of the season after being impaled by a broken bat. He should be fine, confirming he is not a vampire.
Geovany Soto – Out for the season with shoulder surgery. The Koyie Hill Fan Club, that affectionately refers to itself as The Koy Pond, celebrated his potential increase in playing time at Coyote Ugly but in the Evite they cheekily called it Koyie Ugly.