Some rejected titles for this post were, “Adam’s Appendix Is Dunn,” “Dunn’s Appendix Chooses Worst Of Three Outcomes,” and “Dunn Develops Killer App.” First Holliday, now Adam Dunn with a busted appendix. I heard if the doctor gets cold during the surgery, he’s going to snuggle inside Dunn like Luke did with his tauntaun. Big Donkey only needs 5 days to heal because he already had an axe scar in that area they could re-use. The turnaround time is so quick now on these surgeries that you have to wonder why it took the Twins so many years to remove their appendix (Nick Punto). Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Carlos Quentin – 4-for-6, 3 RBIs, 2 Runs and his 2nd homer. He’s now hitting .500 on the year. If he can stay healthy, he can have a huge year. Though that if is the size of Dunn’s appendix.
Juan Pierre – 3-for-6 and his 2nd steal as he was asked to fill-in Dunn’s shoes at DH. Lucky he didn’t have to wear his pants.
Michael Bourn – Left with tightness in his groin. Is he now dating Rihanna?
Ubaldo Jimenez – Looks like the pickle juice or whatever medieval cure he was prescribed didn’t work and Ubaldo is headed to the DL until the 17th. Since he only has a cut on his cuticle, he should be back when scheduled. If you felt he should’ve been the lead of this post, “Ubaldo’s Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow” is your title. Maybe instead of pickle juice, he should’ve visited a *pinkie to mouth* manicurist.
Chad Billingsley – 3 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. Now has a 7+ ERA in Colorado over his career. If you ever see Bills talking to your girl at a bar, order him a Coors and watch him fall apart.
Andrew Cashner – As reported here first after reading it somewhere else, Cashner is going to the DL with a rotator cuff strain. Tough
break strain since he looked good on Tuesday and I was ready to get on board.
Randy Wells – To the DL with a forearm strain. That’s not good. Guessing he’ll be out for all of April. All these injuries made me think of the Cage The Elephant‘s Shake Me Down, “Not a lot of people left around…” Mmm-mmm… That’s me humming the words I don’t know. I love that song.
Alfonso Soriano – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer. This is also the third time he’s shown up in five roundups. If you’re gonna own him, right now is the time.
Ryan Dempster – 7 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks. It took me a few years to fully trust Dempster after he moved to starting. Now that I trust him, he’s going to employ his parachute as he watches me crash to the ground.
Brad Lidge – Charlie Manuel said Lidge should be back around the All-Star break. His exact words were, “Lidge an ornery spitfire who wants to go piking by July. Now where in my overalls did I put that straw I like to chew on.”
Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Word is the Sawx are giving Salty until June to hit. They’re obviously more patient than me, I’m giving him until next week.
Willie Bloomquist – 2-for-5 and his 5th steal. Emilio Bonifacio called, he wants his crazy fast April start back. Potatoes to chips, if Bloomquist was doing this in the middle of the season, you wouldn’t even know about it, unless you were Willie Bloomquist Jr. and your dad forced you to watch all his at-bats.
Stephen Drew – Plans to return to the starting lineup on Friday. My anticipation level for Drew’s return is above my next visit to the dentist but way below when Dustin reveals on The Real World to his roomie/girlfriend that he used to do gay porn.
Yunel Escobar – 3-for-3 when he had to be lifted because of dizziness. He was waving air into his face and jumping up down and I thought Travis Snider farted in his direction, but I think it happened on Yunel’s headfirst slide. Not sure, I’m not a doctor.
Austin Jackson – 0-for-5. I’ve been saying he’s not that good since last year and it looks like he’s finally coming around to my way of thinking.
Ryan Raburn – 1-for-2 as he snuck onto the field in Boesch’s jersey. Geez, what did Raburn do? Complain about Leyland smoking in the dugout?
Alex Avila – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs with the very rare slam & legs from a catcher. Despite having such a good night, Miguel Cabrera is hesitant to hang out with Alex Avila because of his initials.
Armando Galarraga – 7 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Eh, I’d give him a stiff-Armando off my team.
Joakim Soria – 1 IP, 4 ER. In the offseason, he abandoned his nickname, The Mexicutioner. He didn’t mention he was adopting the nickname, The Mexican’t.
Jeff Francis – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks. I’d wait to see 30 more starts from him before picking him up.
Alex Gordon – 2-for-5, 1 RBI including his 5th double. Yes, you should pick him up.
Carl Crawford – 2 Hits, 2 steals and 2 for flinching when Francona threatened to bat him 7th again.
Daisuke Matsuzaka – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks. If you’re new to the site, I don’t think Dice-BB should be owned in any league that, ya know, wanna win.
Kevin Correia – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. Now is 2-0 with a 1.38 ERA on the year. Of course, he’s pitched better than most of the pitchers on my fantasy teams. Why do you hurt me so much small sample sizes? That’s what she said! (Not really.)
Neil Walker – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer. Then there’s the other side of the small sample size coin. You wanna believe so bad early hitting stars will hit .400 and homers every other day, but you know it won’t last. Or at least you should know, unless you suffer from delusional fantasies.
Alberto Callaspo – 2-for-4, 2nd homer and hitting .450 on the year. I’m the first to think he’s Callaspoo, but he’s hitting, so, yeah, grab him for your MI spot.
Mark Trumbo – 3-for-4, hitting .286 so far. He’s played in 5 of 6 games, but hasn’t hit for power yet. But II, The Return of But, he could start hitting for power.
Erick Aybar – Strained oblique. In your face, intercostal!
Tim Stauffer – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K. Hodgepadre: Start in Petco, don’t get them wet and don’t, under any circumstances, feed them after midnight. So who feed Stauffer after midnight?
Nick Hundley – 1-for-3, HR. Not sure how much you need a catcher, but Hundley’s the Padres best hitter right now. I know how sad that sounds.
Ryan Howard – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs, 2 Runs and his 2nd homer. He’s now batting .524. Yeah, he looks done. Glad some ‘perts were ranking him in the 4th round.
Jose Contreras – Got his first save and received a 35% off discount at the movies.
Mike Pelfrey – 2 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K as he couldn’t keep the bats off the Pelfrey. I wouldn’t own Pelfrey with your team.
Tim Lincecum – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 13 Ks. He made the Padres hitters look even worse than they normally do!
Brian Wilson – 2/3 IP, 3 ER. Returned and looked like he shouldn’t have. Hopefully it’s just him brushing the cobwebs off the gimp outfit.
Edinson Volquez – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks and the conshellation prize. Frequent commenter, Eddy, brought up an interesting stat, Volquez’s first inning ERA is 31.50, the rest of the way (8 IP) 2.25 ERA.
Ian Desmond – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs as he may have just cemented himself back in the leadoff spot. This is why you don’t overrate 5 games of play. Or a week. Or a month.
John Buck – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a triple. I’m guessing here but I feel like Buck gets more triples than any other catcher. That Buck is a hustler!
Mike Minor – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER. Getting roofied by Minor and I feel like how Jeffrey Jones looks. Oh, well. He was probably only up for one start. I’d lose him for now.
Jeremy Hellickson – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks. I try and stay away from AL rookie pitchers, but let’s remember some stuff I said in the preseason… You know, six days ago. I said Hellickson would win the ROY and I dropped this Hellickson fantasy on ya.
Manny Ramirez – Maddon sat Manny because he was pressing. Surprised no clouds formed when Manny’s warm air pockets of pressing met with his cool air pockets of indifference.