Justin Duchscherer is headed to the DL with a bad hip. (That’s the exact medical term. I checked WebMD.) How about them Athletics?! Talk about an ironic team name. Bobby Crosby, Street, Chavez, formerly Harden, etc. How about un-Athletic? What, too obvious? Whateves. You add the clever for once. Duchscherer might come back in two weeks. There’s only five weeks left! You’re going to wait around for this schmohawk? Cut bait as they say on the Country Music Channel or The Nashville Network or whatever channel Jeff Foxworthy’s hosting a show on. Oh, wait, that’s Fox. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Derek Lowe – 6 1/3 innings, 1 ER. I’m on him for home matchups like Alyssa Milano’s on Valtrex.
James Loney – HR yesterday. Headed to Philly for a weekend series. Stock up on your Dodgers’ bats. Loney’s probably one that is out there.
Greg Smith – 6 IP, 0 ER. Against the Mariners. It’s like being able to hit the ocean with a golf ball from a pier.
Yunel Escobar – HR yesterday. If he gets to ten home runs and five steals with a .290 average, you’re going to look at him next March and think about drafting him. Remember the five months of yawnstipation. Remember.
Brandon Webb/Cliff Lee – 19th and 18th wins respectively. Now disrespectfully, Cliff Lee?! Holy heffin’ hey, are you serious? He’s 29 and his K/BB ratio tripled this year. What the eff? Imagine if the Indians were good and hadn’t been Pronk’d! Cliff Lee would be looking at a 40 win season and free blow from Drew Carey for life.
Hideki Matsui – First home run since returning three games ago. This is a win for Godzilla, anime and porn.
Joey Votto/Jay Bruce – Both homered yesterday. They should totally watch Beaches together, because Votto’s totally Barbara Hersey and Jay Bruce is Bette Midler. While Jay Bruce is rocking out on Broadway in a musical about Otto Titsling, Votto’s living for some detached jerk and biding his time until he has a baby. But things only appear wonderful for Bruce. His spouse is two-timing on him, he can’t have a kid and he’s butt freakin’ ugly. Wait, I was all ready for a good cry when I realized this was supposed to have something to do with Votto, Bruce and fantasy baseball? Oh, that’s right! Votto’s just as good as Bruce, but he’s getting cold there in Bruce’s shadow.