So you’re down to the last few nickels of your first buy-in this year. You’re pinching pennies—drinking Olympia and thinning out your Cup O Noodles with Ramen. You know you need to do research to come up today, but you can’t justify using that much electricity. Don’t fret, mah people. I got your winning lineup right hurrr. I know. I shouldn’t have. I’ve been invoking Peyton Manning all week. DraftKings don’t slang hot pies, but they do love to hook you up for no apparent reason like Papa John’s. So we’ve teamed up to give you the freshest players in the freshest daily fantasy site out there. But wait, there’s more! Our boys at DraftKings are giving you a chance to get ghetto rich with $2 bucks giving you the chance to cash out $400k in the Sweet Spot.
We’re gonna sweeten the deal a little further today. Once you’ve signed up via Razzball for DraftKings, hit this link, and you can come try to take down Da Schlurricane. I’m opening up a contest for you to see how I do work. I never said I was smart – giving you the opportunity to expose me as a fraud. I’m so brash I even invited Tehol into the mix. The writing may be pro bono but my fantasy contests gotta make some cheddah. I’m betting him 2 tix to Mariners/A’s that I’ll Beddict his ass. You only get to play me for bragging rights and dolla bills ya’ll! But I’m sure you’re studs at bragging. And if you follow my instructions, you’ll have some bills.
Today’s a good day to take advantage of a lot of matchups. I’m gonna give you my lineup today. Go enter a contest or two with it and then invoke the Steam-O-Nator and Hittertron to come take me out. After all, Rudy’s mind is much more elevated than mine. We’re talking catwalk vs. gutter ya’ll.
Yordano Ventura, P: $7,500 – Yo! Ventura is the Cutless Supreme today. Nobody’s seen his stuff so they don’t know what they’re getting. His junk is filthy… like backpacking in India and then staying in Calcutta filthy. That’s some filthy junk ya’ll. He’s facing Whouston so we’re likely looking at 10 Ks in the first 5 IP. No other guarantees, but for $7,500 you can put rims on that WHIP!
Jake Peavy, P: $8,600 – He’s off to a real nice start having faced two of the best offenses in baseball in Texas and Milwaukee and come out glistening with a 2.13 ERA. That’s Hollywood… Now he gets to face the pale hoes (excuse the spelling). In his career facing their twigs he’s got a .188 BAA with over 9 K/9. Robbie V’s crew is getting Peaved today!
Yadier Molina, C: $5,100 – He’s hot and likes to take advantage of Estrada on the hump. And that’s not when he’s catching. A $5k catcher is ballsy, but check these numbers: in 21 ABs against Marco he’s got a 1.381 OPS. Yum.
Matt Adams, 1B: $3,900 – Pop quiz: Who hits in front of Molina and has moobs? Hint: he’s hitting .360 and is a cheap trick today.
Daniel Murphy, 2B: $4,100 – He’s not my favorite, but he plays 2nd base so his competition is weak! The only other guy I’m excited about is Dee Gordon cuz Timmy is really good at walking dudes and letting them steal bases. And it’s probably good mojo to start the lightning quick colored man who plays 2B for Los Doyers on Jackie Day. Oh yeah, Dani Murph… He gets Bronson Arroyo today and he’s 6-13 against him. It’s only daily fantasy ya’ll. You can have a Murphy on your team.
Chase Headley, 3B: $4,200 – Another schmotato of the not hot variety. Hey, this isn’t a beauty pageant. He is warming up of late and boasts a .500 AVG with two dingers in 12 ABs against Nicasio.
Erick Aybar, SS: $3,200 – I said we’re playing matchups here today. In the spring Scioscia said Aybar was a “matchups guy” in reference to him hitting leadoff. That’s the Amuse Bouche for this meal. Kole Calhoun has held down the 1-spot when facing righties so far, but Aybar is 6 of 12 with a walk and no K’s against Straily. So you’re sayin there’s a chance…
Michael Morse, OF: $4,400 – This one’s easy. Beckett will be rusty on top of his suckitude over the last few years. And Morse is sitting .350 with 10 RBI already. And he’s 3 for 6 off him. And he’s embraced the beautiful locks and beard that turn bay area Schmohawks into ring bearers. And I like to start sentences with conjunctions.
Brandon Moss, OF: $4,300 – Melvin just said he thinks Moss has gotten better in consecutive years after watching his approach this year. Has anyone ever told you about how he hits righties? Has anyone told you he has a 1.423 OPS against Garrett Richards? I know. I shouldn’t have.
Alfonso Soriano, OF: $4,600 – Since he switched back to the darkside, nobody has more long dongs than Alfonso. I called him. He said he isn’t Soriano. He’s 3 for 9 v. Hammels and they’re all of the extra variety.
I’m Only Happy When It Rains
Well there was some flakes falling at Miller Park yesterday. Global warming my ass! If Kluber was pitching they would have called the game, but he was off so they played on. Today we’re looking at some rainfall in the northeast. TB @ BAL, CHC @ NYY, ATL @ PHI all look like 90% chance of water falling on them. In baseball terms, that’s Armageddon. Why do they wear cleats exactly? I’m hedging Soriano with Holliday and stacking a House of Cards.
Doing Lines in Vegas
But if you want guaranteed money. Bet the over on LAD @ SFG 7.5. Frickin laughable. Lincecum vs. Beckett and two hot offenses. Park factors won’t mean shizz with these two on the mound.