The answer is simple – hail no. That’s because everyone and their mother (including his own) will be on Alex Wood at home against the Padres. Wait, Mrs. Wood plays DraftKings? Man, she’s the coolest! I bet she also uses the Stream-o-Nator, Hitter-Tron, DFSBot, and Ombatsman. She’s a diabolical DFS mastermind! Anyways, I predict Wood will be drafted and held tight by at least 60% of owners tonight. There will be no Wood chucking, get it? Okay, that sh*t is weak – I’m done. Let us talk lineups.
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Zack Greinke, SP: $9,800 – Have you ever been to a Waffle House after 20 beers? Well, tonight’s SP menu looks just as tasty. I’m bypassing the bigger, more ‘spensive names and pairing my Wood with Greinke, who has 16 K in 13 IP against the Giants this season. I also like how he has the “you banged my sister” look on his face when on the mound. How’s that for analysis?
Stephen Vogt, C/OF: $3,300 – I bet Vogt would struggle to put on catcher gear in reality, but that matters not in fantasy. He also rakes against RHP (.944 OPS and .412 wOBA), and unlike any report card I’ve ever received, I’m fixing to stack some A’s.
Brandon Moss, 1B/OF: $5,000 – Like anything you’ll find at a store that’s not Kohl’s (I love you, Kohl’s), the price tag is a major turnoff. But that’s a good thing because it will keep the ownership percentage on Moss fairly low. My man holds a career 1.021 OPS at Rangers Ballpark, and the opposing pitcher, Nick Tepesch, holds a 1.33 HR/9 this season. Do the math.
Kyle Seager, 2B/3B: $4,300 – I will never grow tired of slotting Seager at 2B when facing a righty at home, where he’s hit 13 of his 15 HR (also slugging .767).
Mike Moustakas, 3B: $3,600 – Word to your moms, Moose Tacos came to drop bombs. Well, either that or strike out. Thankfully, we aren’t docked points for whiffs, and Josh Tomlin has been a turd of a pitcher lately, surrendering 8 HR in his last 41 IP.
Danny Santana, SS/OF: $3,400 – As a Twins fan, I’m still bitter about Johan’s departure, but this Santana has been a nice consolation prize. He’s fully recovered from injury and has a .425 wOBA versus southpaws. Next!
Andrew McCutchen, OF: $5,800 – C’mon, how can you resist McCutch at Coors against a lefty? That’s like a meth head turning down a batch of Heisenberg’s blue – not gonna happen.
Gregory Polanco, OF: $4,400 – Pirates come best in pairs, and Polanco won’t be a popular play with a lefty starting for the Rockies (Brett Anderson). I’ll take my chances with the wrong side of the platoon, but you know some RHP will make its way into the game at some point. I envision the rookie having some fun for the first time in the high altitude.
Jim Adduci, OF: $2,700 – His last name is best pronounced like an infant, who proudly made a boom-boom, “a deuce, see?” It also means, “a poop, yes,” in broken Spanish. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle. What you also need to know is Adduci comes cheap as a prosti with a wood chipper puntang. He’s also averaged more than 5 DK points over the last five games, while hitting in the heart of the Texas lineup – perfect punt material.
I’m Only Happy When It Rains
STL/CHC has the biggest threat of rain (30%), and PIT/COL comes in a close second. I’m not too concerned with the weather in Denver, because unlike the buzz in Mile High, the thunderstorms don’t last very long.
Doing Lines in Vegas (7-12-1 overall)
I don’t gamble much these days, I prefer fantasy – it’s a game of skill. But if we were tossing a few back at the sports book, I’d take the under in SD/ATL (7) and the over in CHW/MIN (9).