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I see you.  Yes you.  The one in the back who watches Hentai.  I’m going to kindly ask you to leave.  I know where you’re taking this title and I’m not having it.  Go enjoy your bukkake fetish somewhere else, m’kay?  Thanks.  Now that we got rid of THAT crowd…hey wait, where did everybody go?  Seriously, THAT was a majority of my readership?  I guess I’m big in Japan.  Clear sign of being talented and yet not able to make it stateside all at the same time.  Humbling yet satisfying.  I’m still not writing about tentacles going places they shouldn’t, though…you’ll have to read my memoirs for that.  But of course, my title is referring to one of the most delicious and versatile condiments the world has to offer.  I’m a Cholula man myself, though I don’t venture much into crazy uncharted territory in the world of hot sauces.  And no, I haven’t had ghost pepper hot sauce.  The eff outta here with that stuff.  I like spicy but I also like the idea of keeping my intestinal track working correctly until the incontinence sets in.  But yeah, Carlos CarrascoSee what I did there?  Nothing, that’s what.  It’s 2 am and I’m tired as all get out so you’re gonna take your awkward segue and you’re gonna like it.  My boy Carlos has been treating his owners right of late, scoring 22 points @NYY and 28 vsBAL his last two times out.  He’s always been ‘a guy with the stuff’ but couldn’t harness it and he looks like he’s channeling his inner harness chi of late.  Though the Astros aren’t the worst club in all the land of late, they do still strike out plenty and were held scoreless by Brandon McCarthy just yesterday.  B-Mac managed a CGSO with 8 K.  I ain’t gonna promise that from Hot Carrasco but the K sauce should be there in droves.  I think he can give you 6 innings and strike out 7 while limiting the walks and the hits.  For the manageable price of $6,600, you’re gonna have an easy time building a lineup and paying up for a big arm if you need it.  See?  Hot Carrasco sauce goes with everything.  Title don’t lie!  Now lets get on with the pickins…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 20 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care!  If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to check the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Kevin Gausman, SP: $6,700 – For those of you out there kicking in the early Cubs game, here are some fun stats for the Cubs over the last 7 days: K% of 31.3, wOBA of .290, wRC+ of 80.  These are called ‘bad stats’.  In fact, you can google ‘bad stats’ and the wiki page will give you a reference link to how poorly the Cubs are hitting of late.  Add in NL ballpark and its lack of DH and there’s a good argument to switch from an electric to Gaus heat.

Jonathon Niese, SP: $6,800 – Ah memories.  Niese was one of the first guys I ever covered on Razzball and I think I wrote 90% of it about his nose job.  He should’ve got into some Digital Underground as a kid; he would’ve had better self-esteem.  Anyways, the Dodgers have been struggling of late and Niese is a solid albeit unspectacular starter at this point.  But at his price, 20 DK points should suffice.  And while we’re here, I just wanna say there’s some great value in the 6K range for pitcher today.  Consider this a GPP thumbs up for Mike Minor while we’re at it.

Shane Greene, SP: $7,400 – The price isn’t as on point as the guys I mentioned above but both his numbers of late and the matchup is considering how badly the White Sox have swung the bat of late.  I’m not all over him like Joe Namath on Suzy Kolber but if you have the extra shekels and wanna pay up, I don’t mind the move here.

John Danks, SP: $4,800 – Sometimes you just gotta get crazy.  The Yankees have been K’ing aplenty themselves of late as they rank in the bottom 5 in K% over the last 7 and 14 days.  Danks could always be the guy that wakes them up from their offensive malaise but he himself has been in a malaise.  So someone is gonna bring the noise, and someone is going to bring the funk.  I think it’s Danks.  Oh and if I am rostering the Danky, I will also be rostering the King because of all the savings.

Marcus Stroman, SP: $7,000 – He hasn’t pitched well of late.  Duh.  He also has a nice set up against one of the lower end offensive clubs in the league with the Rays.  Analysis.  I’m not gonna be high on Marcus simply because there are ‘safer’ matchups close in price around him but the push for him as a starter today wouldn’t be a Stroman’s argument.

Doug Fister, SP: $9,100 – I have a problem with First being the third highest price for a pitcher.  The Giants have been offensively surging and therefore I don’t think you should go wantonly splurging on getting a Fister.  What’s wrong with a kiss boy?  That audio is not safe for work.  But it’s Monty Python so if you’re gonna get fired over watching a youtube video while at work, this one is worth it.

Robinson Cano, 2B: $5,200 – I’d only use him if you’re doing a Mariners stack.  And why on earth would you do a Mariners stack, you ask?  Because Joe Kelly gives it up to LHBs with a .370 wOBA against them.  The Mariners start upwards of seven lefties on any given night. Hey Joe, where you goin’ with that ball in your hands?  Consider this a thumbs up for Dustin Ackley, Logan Morrison, Kendrys Morales and any other wrong handed person in the Mariners lineup.

Mike Moustakas, 3B: $3,200 – You can’t predict when you’re gonna get Moose Tacos or Mustsuckass, but you can do some research on the sitch and see if it’s a good time to guess for the good side.  Colby Lewis is giving it up to lefties on the year with a .413 wOBA and with a .458 against them at home in particular.  If ever there was a day for a Greek HR, this would be the one.  This idea also puts Norichika Aoki and Alex Gordon into play.  The ‘play them on DraftKings cuz Lewis sucks against lefties’ part.  Not the Greek HR part.

Jon Jay, OF: $3,800 – We’ll stop talking about Jon Jay when he stops hitting.  But since that probably will never happen in our lifetime, let’s just keep the train rolling.  Oh and if you wanna toss more lefties like Kolten Wong, Matt Carpenter and Matt Adams at Kyle Kendrick, the numbers back your idea and I applaud your efforts.

Carlos Gomez, OF: $5,000 – OK big spender, I see how it is.  You want top shelf, I’ll give you top shelf.  CarGo-Lite (or maybe now Ultra?) has been doing damage again, turning in the 8th best wOBA over the last 7 days.  That wOBA comes with 3 HRs; no extra charge for that.  While we’re on the topic, there Brewers bats are…uh…brewing.  With a lefty on the mound, I’m in the mood for Khris Davis, Aramis Ramirez and Jonathan Lucroy to keep the suds a-flowing.

Miami Marlins/Colorado Rockies Hitters – If you need me to tell you that starting hitters from these teams is an intelligent move, well, just give me your money then.  Oh and you’re stupid.  Forgot that part.

Jedd Gyorko, 2B/3B: $3,700 – He’s made it up to his owners who suffered through the first part of the year and then injuries with him…oh who am I kidding, those owners dropped him and wouldn’t touch him with a ten foot pole at this point.  But that’s season long fantasy and you’re not here to discuss such things.  You’re here to discuss the .307 average and 2 HRs Gyorko has hit over his last 10 games while averaging 9 DK points per contest over that span.  It’s gonna sound crazy, but a Padres sta…nope, not gonna go there.  But I will say I’d roster more than one Friar without anger in my heart.  Consider Seth Smith for our OF needs and Abraham Almonte as well if you want the mini-stack action with the Pads.

Zach Walters, 3B/SS, $2,300 – As his 10 game log shows, he’s a boom or bust play.  But at $2,300, who else you gonna find that’s averaging a HR every 10.3 at-bats over 72 AB that is SS eligible?  Exactly.  He won’t keep this up but for now, I’m using the Zach phone.

I’m Only Happy When It Rains

There are some chances of tinklage for the CHCvsBAL, PHIvsSTL, CINvsATL, and COLvsMIA games but nothing seems destined for PPD as of yet.  Unfortunately, you can’t protest a suspended game so you’ll wanna keep an eye out here.

Doing Lines In Vegas

COLvsMIA at 9.5 o/u is the top of the run predicting taco for the night but since we already knew this without seeing the numbers, let’s take note of that ARZvsSD line of 8.5.  Gimme the ‘o’ there with some good Padre plays making it happen.

From Around The Web

  1. Micah says:
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    I’m benching Cespedes v The King, Rios v Ventura and Fowler v Carrasco and starting Josh Willingham and Jarrod Dyson v Colby Lewis. I’m needing SB and power numbers. Am I being silly?

    • Sky

      Sky says:
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      @Micah: I could see that working out for you. Cespedes has been pretty cold of late, don’t think King Felix fixes that problem.

  2. Grey

    Grey says:
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    Great title!

    • Sky

      Sky says:
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      @Grey: Thanks, sensei!

      • Grey

        Grey says:
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        No problem

        • Sky

          Sky says:
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          @Grey: Carrasco is gonna be a nice arm down the stretch. Fresh and seems to have worked out the kinks. Have picked him up in deeper leagues. Better shot at being a viable/reliable arm than Bauer at least (which isn’t saying much, I know).

          • Grey

            Grey says:
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            Be nice to see a bit larger sample size — that’s what she said! Huh? — but I agree he has looked solid…

            • Sky

              Sky says:
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              For sure but the K:BB ratio has been on point all year. He just got messy in the middle innings. Anywho, Tranny Porn article will be posted shortly. Plenty of gifs, hope you don’t mind.

              • Grey

                Grey says:
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                Haha

  3. Duda Want to Build a Snowman? says:
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    Best segway ever. Would you feel confident rolling out deGroom fresh off the DL v. LAD tomorrow? Trying to decide between activating him from the DL or streaming a guy and watching how he does. Thanks!

    • Sky

      Sky says:
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      @Duda Want to Build a Snowman?: If you liked that segway, you should see my rascal!

      I don’t like starting pitchers right off the DL. I’d probably just stream but it really depends on the options.

  4. Darryl Sorensen says:
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    Thoughts on using Robbie Ray against my pathetic Twins?

    • Sky

      Sky says:
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      @Darryl Sorensen: Twins offense is middle of the road and has 8 HRs over the last 7 days (5th most in MLB). Think the shine is off Robbie, I wouldn’t roster him personally.

  5. J-FOH says:
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    Cholula? Get with the Valentina!

    • Sky

      Sky says:
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      @J-FOH: I don’t think I’ve had that one. Will have to give it a shot. Literally, give me a shot of Valentina!

      • J-FOH says:
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        @Sky: It sounds sexy, “Hey baby, would you like some spicy valentina with that taco?” * snaps both fingers*

        It’s good, slightly less hot than tapatio with a subtle garlic in there. It’s actually made in Mexico too

        • Sky

          Sky says:
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          Love the garlic flare. I’m a huge Sriracha guy overall. That’s da bomb dot gov.

          • J-FOH says:
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            @Sky: I live about ten minutes from the factory, I think they sell t-shirts with the cock on it

            • Sky

              Sky says:
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              We’re in business!

  6. Kid A says:
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    “I watch to see how or why a guy is doing what he’s doing. Gyorko is hitting over .300 right now because he’s taking the ball the opposite way. Early in the year, everything was a pull so it was either a high infield pop up or a weak ground out to 3rd.

    I typically watch the young pups to see their tendencies. I wish Nolan Arenado were more selective at the plate but I fell in love with his swing last year and it was why I targeted him this year. His average in 2013 didn’t match the swing I saw. Lo and behold…same with Avisail. Love that kid. Great line drive hitter. With his size, he could become a 30 HR hitter by accident.”

    And this is why people see you as a valuable asset – you don’t shit in someone’s hand and try to convince them it’s a turkey sandwich.

    • Sky

      Sky says:
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      Well, I haven’t invited you over for lunch yet so there’s that.

      • J-FOH says:
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        @Sky: seriously, I give him free reign and he doesn’t take it. Get Kid A to the doctor because he is obviously not feeling well. Maybe he caught the razzbola?

        • Kid A says:
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          @J-FOH:

          It’s no fun when you ask for it.

          I’m gonna go get a lobster roll

          • J-FOH says:
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            @Kid A: whats a matter you little puss’, cat got your balls? I’m kidding of course. But I want an honest evaluation. I am never satisfied with my work and always strive to be better in here every time I write. I honestly feel a duty to the readers

            You can e-mail me if you want so no one sees you be nice.

    • J-FOH says:
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      @Kid A: I like to convince them it’s a tasty turd sandwich.

    • J-FOH says:
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      @Kid A: so where do I fall in the spectrum of asset to ass?

      I shouldn’t be asking this but I’m feeling the need to get kicked in the balls today.

  7. Ethan says:
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    12 team PPR league roster in which I didn’t draft a kicker to maximize my picks:

    QB- Romo
    RB1- Murray
    RB2- Vereen
    WR1- Dez
    WR2- Torrey Smith
    TE- J. Thomas
    FLEX- Joique
    Bench- M. Wallace, F-Jax, E. Sanders, Woodhead, J. Hunter, Palmer, L. Dunbar

    Any thoughts/is Palmer my most likely drop for Week 1 when I need a kicker?

    Much appreciated Sky!

    • Sky

      Sky says:
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      Team looks good to me overall. You went a little Cowboy heavy, but it’s hard to fight that. Their offense will probably be playing from behind all year. Would’ve liked a higher end WR2 in a league where you only start 2 WRs but I do like Torrey this year at his price. Good upside on the bench, though one more RB would’ve been nice. In a 12 team, 1 QB league, maximizing your bench doesn’t include a second QB. Would’ve used that spot to pick up an RB flier in case of injury before the preseason ended. Overall, though, I like the squad. Has great potential.

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