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Wait, what, it’s f’n August already? I had no idea, because every day is Opening Day in the world of DFS. Sure, it can be a Baby Bitch, but I always come back for more; even if last night’s roster sported a LD% of 42.6 with a .189 BABIP (ouch). Nerd alert! I made those numbers up, but you know what I mean. Speaking of numbers, check out the Stream-o-Nator, Hitter-Tron, DFSBot, and of course, the Ombatsman. Rudy created them to help you win DraftKings contests like the Razzball 20-Teamer brought to you on the reg by THE Ralph Lifshitz. Dude is the host with the most. Today is the dawn of a brand new season, so bring it!

P.S. Always fade Stephen Strasburg on the road. Always.

Vance Worley, SP: $7,000 – I refuse to call him Vanimal because he was the equivalent of road kill for my Twins, but there’s no denying Worley could blank the pathetic Padres. San Diego is dead last in road OPS (.619), and that’s by margin wider than a slutty whale’s vagina (Reds are 29th at .652). Worley won’t rack up the Ks (K/9 just over 5.00), but this play is safer than wearing three body condoms.

Chase Anderson, SP: $6,700 – Ah yes, the play o’ the day. Since 6/3, Chase holds a 2.97 ERA and 8.12 K/9 – that’s almost as elite as Eli Manning (G-Men, son). Making matters better, he beat the Rockies his last time out (W, 6 IP, 4 H, 2 BB, 1 ER, 3 K), and that start was at Coors Field. This game will take place in the desert, and that’s great news for Anderson owners, because Colorado is weak sauce on the road. Here’s a small taste of some of their home/away splits: Runs (5.88/3.50), SLG% (.518/.370), and K% (17.3/23.0) … yowzah!

Stephen Vogt, C/OF: $3,000 – I was all set to say Vogt is due for slump busters, and he goes and dongs as I type here on Thursday night. Whatever, I still like the pick, because he’s about to heat up, NBA Jam style. When facing RHP, Vogt’s OPS (.835) and wOBA (.364) make him well worth the investment, and now we can splurge on the remaining roster like a gold-digging ho bag.

Freddie Freeman, 1B: $4,300 – Freddie Four Eyes is 9-for-20 (with 2 HR) lifetime versus Strasburg, who holds a career 5.79 ERA and 1.71 WHIP at Turner Field. Awww yeah, take a hit off this contrarian stack pipe.

Aaron Hill, 2B: $4,000 – I can’t get over the Hill’s .196 ISO and 131 wRC+ versus LHP at home. See what I did there?

Adrian Beltre, 3B: $4,400 – There’s no one I trust more at the hot corner than Beltre, who I saw clean an entire bench at the HR Derby. True story. Beltre is 6-for-14 at Minute Maid Park this season, and his stats across the board versus LHP are pretty money … you must trust me. I would rub his head in gratitude for the DK points he has provided, but then I’d be dead.

Chris Taylor, SS: $2,600 – This young buck has collected at least 1 hit in each of his 8 career starts. Obviously, he will continue this trend until the day he retires. I kid, I kid, but I also save many shekels on a solid option at shortstop (on the right side of the platoon).

Bryce Harper, OF: $3,800 – Harper got off the schneid with a walk-off HR last night, and I feel a hot streak coming on. His .427 OBP at Turner Field is the highest at any away stadium he’s played more than 5 games; and if you must know, he’s played 19 games in the dirty.

Jason Heyward, OF: $4,100 – Despite being a total terd in seasonal play, Heyward is 11-for-26 against Strasburg, and he’s been hot since 7/7, raising his AVG 30 points.

Mike Trout, OF: $5,500 – Well, I have $10,100 left for the final roster spot, and I might as well fill it with the best player in baseball. Some say you should get your remaining balance as close to $0 as possible, but I disagree. If you like your squad, you like your squad. I might upgrade in a couple spots later, and it’s nice knowing I’ll have more than $4K to do so.

I’m Only Happy When It Rains

LMGTFY. Don’t know what that means? LMGTFY. Fine, watch for rain in WAS/ATL. I’ll be bummed if I can’t deploy my guys in that game, but I can replace them with whoever I want. Woo.

Doing Lines in Vegas (9-13-2 overall)

Tommy want wingy like I want the over in TEX/HOU (8.5) and the under in DET/TOR (8).

  1. Ralph Lifshitz

    Ralph Lifshitz says:
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    I fade all Nationals starters for the rest of the season. Those guys stay steady killing me. I don’t think one has met expectations anytime I’ve started them.

    • BTXJ

      BTXJ says:
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      @Ralph Lifshitz: heard that. Stras’ sketchy splits date well into last season.

  2. Clint says:
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    If Tehol’s right about the elder gods, please let Harper use yesterday to turn this season around and make my trades of him in both my 8 team h2h pts and 12 team roto keeper leagues look smaaat.

    And yeah, Freddie, don’t break my heart anymore and start swingin’ that big stick yer mama gave ya’!

    • BTXJ

      BTXJ says:
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      @Clint: haha amen, my man.

  3. Van Hammersly says:
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    Why did this league end up getting cancelled at 7:30pm EST on Friday?

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