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That title wasn’t a real question, y’all, please don’t provide your responses in the comments below.  And if your answer was yes, that means you’ve eaten it and lived so I’ll just take your word for it and barf on my own time.  But I don’t wanna know about your culinary disasters, what I do wanna know about is how can I find a way to price in those sweet Colorado bats.  I know that you know that we all want in on that action, boss, so we have to find ways to swerve to get them in and pitching is a prime starting point to begin that search.  I’m not gonna lie to you and say that Alfredo Simon has merit on his own.  He’s pretty meh if we’re being honest but the Twins vs righties especially on the road will always grab my attention.  For the year, the Twins rank 4th worst in wRC+ against righties and throw in a reasonably healthy K rate of 21.1% to boot.  Throw in the second worst road wRC+ and a 22.9% K rate and you have the mixings for a solid if maybe unspectacular line from the Big Fettuccine.  I wouldn’t even think about this in cash but for tourneys, picking on Twinkies on the road with righties is a solid Konami Cheat Code for this kind of day.  But now that we’ve covered culinary dysentery, let’s move on to better things.  Here’s my Wild Mushroom Risotto hot takes for this Saturday DK slate…

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Jaime Garcia, SP: $9,600 – Well surprise, surprise, a Cardinals pitcher at home is being suggested.  Some things just aren’t rocket science.  Milwaukee is bad.  Cardinals are good.  Garcia should do well and will probably be a cash game staple of many.

Julio Teheran, SP: $8,300 – Not sure how I feel about going into the lion’s den after the Marlins offense exploded last night…hrm a Marlin Lion?  Marlion?  Or better yet, I’m not sure how I feel about going into the Marlin’s fishtank after they went off yesterday.  #NailedIt.  What I do know is that his main culprit this year has been the long ball vs lefties and Unicorn Vomit Park helps his problem out just fine.

Brett Anderson, SP: $5,800 – Yeah, I’m crazy.  But you wanna know what else is crazy?  Rockies numbers vs lefties.  They is bads.  Given Anderson keeps the ball down as a ground ball pitcher, I think there’s ample opportunity here for him to carve out a low owned 18-22 points.

Yasmani Grandal, C: $3,500 – If he’s in, there’s nothing wrong with this price given he’s in the friendly confines of Coors.  If you’re not punting, have a Grandal time.  And since you don’t need me to tell you this but I have to so it’s clear: all Coors bats are in play.

Paul Goldschmidt, 1B: $5,200 – If you wanna pay up, Robbie Erlin is a soft tossing lefty that could get straight up abused by Goldy and company.  I don’t mind looking the way of AJ Pollock and Welington Castillo as the matchup is great and whenever Coors is the backdrop, analysis of said situations tend to get thrown out the window.

Albert Pujols, 1B: $3,200 – I hate going against Felix but sometimes despite what Mel Brooks tried to teach us, it’s not good to be the King.  F-Her is a gamer who won’t back down even if he’s not 100% and I wouldn’t mind Mike Trout today either for that reason.

Brandon Drury, 2B/3B: $2,700 – With the Dbacks not in contention, they’ve been letting Drury get in his hacks and he’s hacking it just fine.  Fun fact!  I picked him up in my keeper league and have had my eye on him for the most part since the start of the year.  All of this neither here nor there, just a point to make that we’re not dealing with a 30 year old utility guy on a hot streak.  This kid could be good.

Kyle Seager, 3B: $4,000 – Though he doesn’t have the same patience at the plate as against a righty, Kyle is kind of a reverse splits guy with 12 of his 25 HRs off southpaws and holds a .310 average against them compared to his .253 off righties.  Say a prayer for Andrew Heaney and while you’re at it, also consider Nelson Cruz and Franklin Gutierrez for a Mariners stack.

Jean Segura, SS: $3,400 – A lefty on the mound and we’ll probably see Segura batting leadoff.  He hasn’t had an amazing year but he can swipe a bag and get a couple of hits.  Unless you can pay for Corey Seager and his nosebleed price of $6,400, you’re probably looking at this price or lower so take what you can get.

Christian Yelich, OF: $3,600 – Yeah, I suggested Teheran.  I also said he had lefty woes and Yelich is one of those.  It may be harder for lefties to hit bombs in Miami but that doesn’t mean Teheran and his .420 wOBA are all about HRs.  In fact, if you hear people touting Julio, it might be a day to go throw in a GPP lineup of Miami lefty bats.  Justin Bour, Dee Gordon and Derek Dietrich are all priced quite nice.

I’m Only Happy When It Rains

Nothing weather wise is currently something to worried about so nothing to report here.  Just be sure to tune in prior to lock to make sure El Nino isn’t ripping through your favorite stack for the day.

Doing Lines In Vegas

Focusing strictly on the late slate here as that’s what I wrote about and that’s how it’ll be, we have Garcia and his birds holding the reigns of top Vegas dog tonight with a whopping -260 next to their name.  Again, Jaime will be the cash game and big name darling tonight but I’m not sure there’s much else to swerve to that has enough upside to argue it.  The only other major line leader that Vegas is doling out is a -170 to Brett Anderson and his Doyers…in the highest o/u game of the day of 11.5.  Again, win might be guaranteed there.  If you’re not digging my Alfredo call, you have some merit to going off the deep end with Anderson.  Speaking of Alfredo, his game comes in as the second highest game total of the night slate with 8.5 and they’re giving the game to Duffey at -125.  Does that scare me off him?  Um, I just suggested a Coors pitcher, I have no fear.