Rock and Roll. Chuck Berry, Bo Diddley and and Little Richard got it going. Elvis made it sexy. The Beatles made it ok to admit you liked it. Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd made it hallucinogenic. The Stones and Aerosmith kept it alive. Motley Crue and Skid Row made it pretty and disgusting. Then Sean Combs, alias TBD, got the idea to sample all of it–to middling results. And other dudes annihilated it. Thanks Nickelback and Creed and Puddle of Mudd and Dookie and the Bunghole Fish. No really, thank you! Cuz now it’s far more exciting to concern ourselves with sports, fantasy sports, boob jobs and bacon creations. Drinking is now an acceptable way to pass the day as long as you’re tweeting about it.
We all want instant gratification now and that’s at the sacrifice of actually taking two full years to make a great album or more than a day to create a great riff. The tradeoff is that we have 61 food options that take less than 10 minutes to get from synapse to taste buds. We have television that is on demand which is now dwindling in the light of streaming media. Kissing on the first date used to be taboo. Now dating on the first sex is the standard. Man this is good. Essentially, Razzball has to thank all of the crappy bands of the 2000s for much of our success! That and Grey and Rudy… Fantasy sports have become as popular as the real thing. Not to be outdone by (as your mother would call it) the daily fantasy. You can have a new one every day. DRAFTKINGS!!! You can hump tomorrow (it’s Wednesday) but today you’re gonna DraftKings!!! And if you’re gonna partake, don’t forget the DFS porn. We won’t make you work or pay for your info or your winnings. We got Steam-O-Nator, HitterTron and DFSBot to wet your whistle. Tools of the trade, ya’ll.
Scott Kazmir, P: $9,000 – The A’s have prescribed to the mantra “Mo’ Money Mo’ Problems” highlighted by the shit show put on by their highest paid FA in Jim Johnson. They thrive on buying low and Kazmir has been one of the absolute finest snags by Billy Beane. Kazmir has been nice this year, but today he seems finer than any sweater made of his namesake. He’s the owner of a 2.08 ERA and a .203 BAA boosting his 9-2 record. At $9k that seems like a great buy alone. But hey cool cats, its multi-ball time! Let’s put up some puntos. Kazmir gets the Mets who K at 24.5% against LHPs so far this year to go along with their league worst ISO against southpaws. Pair that with Kazmir’s 0.95 WHIP and 0.57 HR/9 against the Mets pathetic .301 wOBA against lefties. These numbas take me back to the future—got me screamin “Great Scott!”
Homer Bailey, P: $8,500 – Bailey has been haunted by the homer so far this year, giving them up at a slightly higher rate and walking a few more guys leading up to it. Wrigley likes to give em up, but the Cubbies can’t seem to get off against Homer. BvP against current Cubs he’s given up 3 HR in 159 ABs. Projecting today’s Cubs lineup they’re batting .224 against him with 23 Ks in 129 ABs. This year the Cubs are 29th in wOBA and OPS against RHP and K at 22.4%. I’ve been wary about Bailey so far this year, but he seems to be slowly turning it around. In his last 4 starts against the Cubs he’s 3-0 with 29 Ks in 26 innings.
Alex Avila, C: $3,300 – Nobody wants to pay for catcher. Yeah, put him in the corner… he can squat there for hours. AA has about as much juice as a dollar store set of batteries, but he’s electrocuted Colby Lewis to the tune of 4/13 with 2 HRs. I’m chasing a cheap dong like it’s my fourth bachelorette party.
Victor Martinez, 1B: $4,800 – I’m a fan of stacking on Lewis and spending for it today. Spend your Colby jack…V-Mart is $1k cheaper than Miguel Cabrera and same PPG, but if you find a cheap pitcher you like just buy both. V-Mart is 7-14 against Lewis, Migs is 6-17, Austin Jackson is 8-21 and Rajai Davis is 7-19. That’s not even mentioning the scorching hot JD Martinez and Ian Kinsler.
Brett Gardner, OF: $4,400 – He’s 10-20 against Buehrle and putting up over 9 PPG in his last 10.
Adam Jones, OF: $4,600 – Jonesy is 3-6 with 2 HRs against Quintana. He also owns a wOBA of .512 against southpaws to go along with his 1.204 OPS against em. Not even Diddy can cover that.
Jose Altuve, 2B: $4,600 – Jose is hotter than balls in the Sahara with wool pants. Now you know why they wear thawbs in the Middle East. Altuve can just substitute a men’s t-shirt tho. He’s raised his average 18 points in the last six games. No big deal right? He was hitting .318 last week meaning he’s 13 for his last 24. The Harangutan is starting to devolve. I likey.
I’m Only Happy When It Rains
All the parks open to the heavens haven’t sufficiently danced for the rain gods. Should be a clean slate weather-wise.
Doing Lines in Vegas
STL @ COL 10.5 – Not sure how you ever take the under at a mile high, but despite uninspiring performances so far from these two starters that’s where I’d put my money. De La Rosa has a history of being better at Coors and the last (and only time) Shelby Miller faced the Rox he threw a no-no.
CHW @ BAL 8.5 – Over for days here. Hitters park, wind blowing out to left center at 10 mph, two poor pitching matchups.
OAK -135 @ NYM – Kazmir should dominate and the A’s have had no problem scoring runs or protecting leads (since Doolittle relieved Johnson at least).