Back when Tiger was actually playing in The Masters… Back when he was getting it in all the holes that span the globe before the competition even saw the green… Way back then, the swing perts were gushing about the Stack and Tilt. There was a perverse infatuation with Tiger’s swing and everyone was puttin it on a pedestal. The real (fantasy) playas knew not to put it on a pedestal. But, oh, the irony! Tiger’s swingin brought him to the depths of mediocrity and shame! The golf world tossed aside the Stack and Tilt.
Luckily, rich white dudes’ trash is a fantasy industry worker’s treasure (think $1 bills and mainstream champagne.) The ladies and occasional gentlemen (yes, I use this term “loosely”) of the industry, seamlessly mainstreamed the Stack and Tilt. Of course, the modern day Stack and Tilt uses moves that are far more rhythmic and risqué. What we’re gonna do here is teach you how to acquire some of said $1 bills at DraftKings today by teaching you how to do the Stack and Tilt so you can tear da club up. Let’s twerk it Razzball style!
Now that you got the dance down, don’t forget all the shiny accessories to lead your happy self to glory today. Put your Hittertron on, splash on the Stream-o-nator and brush up on the basics one more time. Remember, you gotta sell yourself. Here’s your pitch:
Gio Gonzalez, SP: $9,900 – Gio is the rare combination of handsome and filthy like our boy Tehol. He does things to hitters only usually allowed in third world countries—like flogging for punishment cuz in the states we are only allowed to do it for pleasure. Gio is particularly fond of preying on Crayola fish. And preying, my creeper, is easier when the opponent can’t hit you. The fish sticks boast a .509 OPS against him. What about Gian you ask? Gian’s ain’t nothin but tricks! Stanton got a .450 OPS against him.
James Paxton, SP: $7,800 – Paxton just saw the flick in the offseason and now he’s pitching crazy unconscious like his namesake, Jimmy P! Pax embarrassed the Halo’s last week and gets them again, this time at home. You’re not likely to get this good of value the rest of this season.
We’re stacking hitters here today folks. This is where you build your stack. We got dueling questionable southpaws going in Coors and another lame duck facing Toronto and we’re gonna go after em like the group of girls dancing by themselves with Irish handcuffs.
Edwin Encarnacion, 1B: $4,600 — If everyone was right about this guy coming into this season, then he is due. And when your due date comes you hope you’re facing the Astros and some guy named Oberhoalksjtkler.
Michael Cuddyer, OF: $4,400 — He had a “lucky” year last year. In my book, Coors=lucky. He’s at the plate a mile closer to the sun. He’s at the plate to get some. He’s at the plate for good fun. He’s at the plate to get lucky! He had a .996 OPS at home last year. He’s also facing a lefty and has an .OPS of .918 over the past three years against the southpaws. So there’s that too.
Troy Tulowitzki, SS: $5,200 — He’s Tulo and he’s healthy and he’s at home facing a lefty. He’s also expensive so make sure you have a value play or two.
Jose Abreu, 1B: $3,800 — Yeah he’s cheaper than Ike Davis, Yonder Alonso and Casey McGehee. Hmmm… They say Ventura is gonna bench him once in this series and Robbie V does seem like he has cancer affecting his melon sometimes, but it ain’t gonna be today folks. Or it is and I’m your schmuckleberry! He’s my top value play today. Rudy’s tool has my back. Uh gross…
Jose Bautista, OF: $5,000 — He’s already mashed three taters this year and he hasn’t even added the cream. It should get smoother and he hits all of his jacks pre All-Star break. Y El Hittertron lo puso en el tercer lugar. That’s #3 ya’ll.
Marcus Semien, 2B: $3,100 — These next two are value plays in the stack mold. Semien has good pop and virtually no experience. But he is a mile high and should get the munchies on a rusty Franklin Morales.
Alexei Ramirez, SS: $3,700 — He is hitting .440 to start the year. He may be hitting down in the lineup, but often times these games with a lot of hitters and poor pitching end up rewarding the guy lurking below. All the hitters in the meat of the order get avoided and walked etc. setting the table for a guy to hit one double and cash in 10-15 points.
When you’re playing poker and lose your cool they call it going “on tilt.” You usually do dumb things and chase cards you shouldn’t and make bets you shouldn’t. That’s what we’re gonna do here. We got players who probably shouldn’t be used, but they’re either unusually, unbelievably hot or have insane matchups. These guys get paired with “the stack” so that you can afford to put your lineup together.
Matt Kemp, OF: $3,300 — Well we expected him to take a minute to get his swing right. But, the team said his swing was ready a month ago but were waiting for the rest of things to come around. His play so far has proved that. He’s bobbled some balls on national TV but he also took a 92 MPH heater from Matt Cain middle-in above the hands and deposited it to right center. That was after he mollywhomped one 400+ to left. This price won’t last long. This is the tilt to your stack right here!
I’m Only Happy When It Rains
Not a ton of dooming weather on the docket for tomorrow. Best possibilities of a drizzle to interrupt baseball activities should be BAL @ NYY and NYM @ ATL. Of course, there’s a game (or two) supposed to be played in Cleveland which has already had to reschedule two games this year.
Doing Lines in Vegas
Sprinkle your magic fairy dust on the OVER on CIN @ STL (7.5). Two starters who got poked around pretty good last week by the same two teams and the wind should be blowing out to left center. Both Lance Lynn and Homer Bailey are pitchers that can K guys but they’re both susceptible to getting lit up. What kind of a pitching name is Lance anyway?