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No, that’s not a racist title.  C’mon, really?  Why would I go there?  Besides, ‘Alfredo The Dark’ doesn’t even sound racist.  Actually, sounds like your character name when you go out LARP’ing.  Lemme guess, you start with a +5 in magic and wit but are low in power and physical combat.  And, duh, you have black magic and not white magic.  Am I nailing this?  Mmm hmmm, I see the 20 sided die in your hand there.  Please tell me it’s at least steam punk genre.  Loved the Lord of the Rings but really don’t care if you’re out here battling orcs.  Bores me.  BTW, have you ever thought about the Civil War re-enactment?  Totally LARP’ing there.  Yeah, yeah, you’re a history buff.  Well then go read the damn book.  No need to grow out the handlebar mustache and go clean out your musket to enjoy a little American history…but yeah, what the hell?  That got off track fast.  I blame you and your talk of tinctures.  Nah, I’m just alluding to the childhood fave of anyone not young enough to quote Lil’ Wayne.  So basically, nobody’s gonna get it.  Show was off and on for like 10 years…shut up, it’s my childhood!  Moving on…what I’m trying to get at is, Alfredo Simon has been a bit of a bear to own in regular fantasy but he’s extremely enjoyable for we daily fantasy folk.  You see, these young Cubbies…well, if you caught my last Stroman call you’d understand.  They’re still learning how to play baseball the right way.  Sure, they’re exciting to watch and it’s great to think about the future but most of their veteran bats are done for the year due to injury and what’s left is a group that’s K’ing at an alarming rate: 28.3% heading into Sunday, to be exact.  That’s just 2% less than the Twins and they’ve faced Chris Sale this past past week.  And in the end, Simon keeps the ball down reasonably well wtih a 1.62 GB/FB ratio so the ball shouldn’t be flying out of the park on him.  In the end, this is a bit of a punt play to give room for those 10+ K pitchers because in the end they are worth it this Monday, believe me.  Speaking of, let’s move on and get to them, shall we?  So without further ado, here’s Monday’s hot takes on the DK slate…

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Andrew Cashner, SP: $7,100 – Didn’t think I needed to tell you about a Hodgepadre but maybe I do.  The Phighting Phillies have really been phucking awful of late.  What?  I just said ‘pucking’…ohhhh, I left the ‘h’ in there.  How careless of me.  Oh phucking well!  See, I did it again.  They’re bottom 5 in K% and wOBA over their last 7 games and I don’t think a trip to San Diego is gonna fix that.  I didn’t make Cash the lead simply because everyone and their phucking mother is gonna be on this on Monday.  Wow, I really have a phucking problem with this ‘h’…

Jacob deGrom, SP: $10,900 – See this circle?  The one I won’t let you enter?  Yes, that’s my circle of trust.  You see this guy Jacob standing next to me whom I’m massaging and feeding grapes?  He’s in that circle.  Get the picture?

Jarred Cosart, SP: $7,600 – This game figures to be low-scoring and a K festival.  Given that Cosart has pitched quite well of late and is in a pitcher’s park in a game that’s expected to be low-scoring, nothing could possibly go wreng…oops, spelled ‘wrong’ wrong.  That’s the first and the last thing that’ll go wrong about Cosart’s start, I pramise…well crap.

Matt Shoemaker, SP: $8,800 – Mariners have a .257 wOBA over their last 7 games heading into Sunday and Shoemaker has a 9.16 K/9 to go with a 2.20 ERA at home.  Ummm, shoo-in anyone?  Shoot, ‘shoe-in’.  No, that’s not the actual phrase…half pun point?

Collin McHugh, SP: $9,700 – Always the 10K bridesmaid, never the bride.  Collin seems to float below the 10K level every week but is typically on par with those guys going above it.  This is your McHugh that he’s priced lower than he should be.  Take advantage.

Stephen Strasburg, SP: $11,400 – This start has me torn.  Like Rip Torn…on the one hand, Stras has been atrocious on the road.  On the other, the Braves have been atrocious everywhere.  Something’s gotta give and I hope that something isn’t a Diane Keaton full frontal again.  Everyone knows the Stras road numbers but to be fair, everyone who knows those things are full time focusing on football and aren’t playing baseball right now so maybe you just roll with an ATL stack…or you could just avoid doing anything with anyone from this game overall.  Prolly best.

James Shields, SP: $10,200 – I said I had deGrom in my circle of trust today and I do.  But that doesn’t mean he’s my top pitcher.  That would go to King James the II.  The first one is making that damn ‘Coming Home’ song popular all over again and I’m already dreading November for this reason alone.  Shields has the White Sox and their 24.7% K rate coming into Kauffman Stadium.  I doubt he disappoints.

Buster Posey, 1B/C: $4,500 – Posey ain’t no poser vs LHP.  Hell he ain’t no poser away from home period.  Buster has a .425 wOBA away from San Fran on the year, good for a +.100 difference in his splits.  It’s like AT&T Park is hard to hit in, he types pondering…Neverthewho, Miley is just what the doctor ordered.  If the doctor was into Fantasy Baseball and realized Posey had such major home/road splits.  Speaking of home/road splits: Wade Miley…blech.  They’re nasty.  A Giants stack is in full order here.  Yes, that means Pablo Sandoval, Joe Panik, Hunter Pence and Angel Pagan are on the DK menu.

Miguel Montero, C: $3,100 – Can’t tell you about a high-priced catcher without giving you a low-priced one.  Besides, everyone wants to start a Miggy, right?  BTW, Vogelsong away from home has some sketch stats.  Specifically, a 1.91 HR/9 rate on the road to lefties.  You’ll have to be vigilant about whether or not he’s in the lineup but the numbers are there for a bit of a D-back offensive revival, even if the season stats say it’s a no go.  Consider this a Jake Lamb thumbs up for a cheap 3B play.

Jose Bautista, OF: $5,500 – I know, I know ‘wow Sky, wouldn’t have known Joey Bats was a good play without you’.  Sure, I’m not breaking new ground telling you Jose has the 5th highest ISO vs LHP for the year at .308 but would feel pretty silly if I didn’t.  Tomorrow you’d just have said ‘why didn’t you call Bautista?’.  It’s a lose/lose situation, peeps.

Alejandro De Aza, OF: $4,000 – Since I picked him up on Thursday of last week, De Aza has 2 HRs, 2 triples, a double and a steal.  Yes, I’m the reason.  As much as I loved Stroman last week, he’s struggled away from home so far.  Given how Camden yards lends itself to lefty hitters, De Aza is a nice, cheap way to get in on the O’s attack.

Corey Dickerson, OF: $4,400 – Just a friendly reminder there is a game in Colorado today.  Just in case you somehow missed that tidbit.  Yeah, you didn’t.  Insert your own ‘Dick’ joke here.  No, not there!  Jeez man, I don’t swing that way…

Carl Crawford, OF: $4,400 – Oh, you still don’t know there’s a game in Colorado today?  Well, double upside ya head with the info, mo’fo!  Crawford’s been doing the Craw Daddy of late…which is like the Cat Daddy but Kate Upton hasn’t glorified it yet…even though what she did wasn’t actually the cat daddy.  But you saw it and didn’t care.  Just like you don’t care that I tell you Crawford has a .412 ISO over his last seven games.  You know just he’s in Colorado.  Wow, just made Crawford and Kate Upton analogous.  I doubt Justin Verlander agrees.

Andrew Romine, 3B/SS: $2,900 – Total punt call here but he does have a 20 point and an 11 point DK game in his last 10 to hang his hat on.  BTW, I’m giving you an SS punt.  Punting 3B is basically punting your money.

Evan Longoria, 3B: $4,700 – Death, taxes, and Longoria being talked about as hitting lefties well.  Such is life, bros.  True, the numbers this year aren’t as spectacular as year’s past but Capuano has turned back into a pumpkin of late.  I could see pairing Longo with Ben Zobrist going well.

Jedd Gyorko, 2B/3B: $3,800 – Wanna know how I feel about ‘but, but…Petco!’?  I’ll give you five letters: I, D, G, A, and F.  Gyorko hasn’t been studly of late but he’s been hitting well enough and Jerome Williams scares me about as much as Roberto Hernandez when I called for a beautiful flyball baby off him and got one last week…albeit a day later since they swapped pitchers last second on me.  My Nostradamus skills regarding HR calls can only go so far.

I’m Only Happy When It Rains

The only game that looks like it could be slightly troublesome is ATLvsWAS with a 40% chance of tinklage but I’m sure it plays.  You’ll have plenty of time to make puddles to play in later, Mother Nature, just let us finish out our baseball season, m’kay?

Doing Lines In Vegas

Surprise to end all surprises, COLvsLAD is the top of the o/u charts at 10.  The Dodgers are coming in hot so I don’t think the under is in play here.  Stack away, my stacking friends.  Also have AZvsSF at 7.5…yeah, better yell ‘jenga’ cuz that’s about to tilt over.  Shields has the biggest money line at -230 on the day but has the game only at 7…I know Big Game James will go deep but I also think those kind of odds lend itself to a bit of an offensive explosion by the leading team so give me the ‘o’ face there as well.  Oh and that ATLvsWAS game at 6.5 which is the same run line as SDvsPHI?  Yeah, give me the over in Hotlanta.  If you’re looking for some under action, try HOUvsCLE at 8.5.