I hate guys that are injured before the season even starts. I should’ve emphasized that more in the preseason. I should’ve followed my gut on that with Stanton too. At least Stanton can play through the nagging pain (hopefully), on the other hand, Mike Morse is shut down for 6 weeks and he has a history of injuries. (Can you tell I’m still reeling a bit on the Stanton news? It’s like a teenage love…Don’t…Don’t hurt me again…) As for Morse, he was a former roider (RIP, Lyle Alzado, I don’t know football, but I enjoyed your random guest spots on bad 80’s TV shows) and they say that tends to break down a player’s body. It’s all very sad (actually, I’m still thinking about Stanton; don’t worry, I’ll move on by Monday). I don’t think this moves up Bryce Harper’s ETA. (Doesn’t ETA always make you think of business-speak by people who do jobs that you don’t understand even after they explain them? “I’m a marketing consultant for our foreign sales team.” You’re making up a job and you hide in a cubicle. Why don’t I have one of those jobs?) I think you should lower your expectations for Morse to 17 homers and 90 games played. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Sike! Before we get into the roundup, just wanted to say you should sign up for the Draft Day freeroll. What’s a freeroll? Honestly, I have no clue. I think it’s, like, a season of fantasy baseball in one day. “But I want players to annoy me for 162 games!” I know, but it’s free and Rudy did it last week and had fun, so I guess there’s no harm in it. You can win some cold hard cash and get yourself a $12 salad! The cut off is Saturday at 1:05 PM EST. Anyway II, here’s the roundup:
Mat Latos – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K. He didn’t pitch incredibly well (1 K — belch), but he only had one bad inning, which was because Ryan Ludwick is playing the outfield instead of Heisey. Ludwick barely moved over to get a Gio Gonzalez blooper that started the inning where Latos gave up two earned. Get Ludwick out of there and play The Juice Box (Heisey — Hi-C — The Juice Box — what?). Juice Box! Juice Box! Juice Box!
Ryan Ludwick – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs. Why is he playing? He’s batting .133. We need to see more? Okay, .240 and 18 homers, that’s more if he plays the whole season. Who cares? Dusty, take the toothpick out of your mouth and bench him! (I’m only slightly annoyed at him because he drove in the two runs that cost me my Gio win, which was a whole nutter shizz show. Zimmerman should’ve had that Ludwick grounder. Get off your heels and dive! How do I not get the win from Gio…Wait, not even there yet…)
Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 Hits, no walks, 7 Ks. How do you not get this win? Pick a closer — or just pick Henry Rodriguez — and let him close games! Dive, Zimmerman! Juice Box! Juice Box! Juice– Okay, Grey, breath… Being completely objective, the home plate ump had a nice strike zone and the Reds get pretty neutralized by lefties. Gio still pitched a great game. Though the no walks thing will be a rarity.
David Wright – Was cleared to return to game action (if his finger doesn’t hurt him). I put that second part in parentheses because that’s the part you leave off when you try to sell Wright to someone in your league. It’s April. If you’re the Mets, do you let your star 3rd baseman play with a broken finger or do you sit him for a month? Okay, try and think about that again, but this time don’t pretend you’re the Mets. Still same answer? I had a different one.
Madison Bumgarner – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks. Great game from the Bum, but why was he brought back out for the 8th inning? He was over 100 pitches and he hit 3rd the previous inning. He needed to face Tyler Colvin for 13 foul tips? Colvin — singer/songwriter/fouler. You’d think if anyone would be a fouler on that team, it’d be Dexter.
Brian Wilson – 1 IP, 1 ER. Was far uglier than that, and I’m not talking about the beard. Wilson loaded the bases, walked in a run, needed the trainer to come out because it looked like his arm was bothering him (was hard to see around Bochy’s head) and could barely find the plate even when he was getting hitters out. I grabbed Casilla while the trainer was still on the mound. Romo is the better arm, but Bochy seems to favor Casilla for saves. Looking for the next big closer to go down, here ya go.
Francisco Liriano – 5 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks. Giving up 10 baserunners in 5 innings is bad enough, but the Liriano-Mauer battery ended up giving up 5 SBs in 5 innings to the Angels (whose team speed is not to be confused with the ’85 Cardinals). In 134 IP last year, Liriano only was stolen on 9 times. Is there any other part of his game that Liriano can regress for us — maybe bite his tongue when chewing on sunflower seeds?
Matt Capps – 1 IP, 2 ER and the save. Almost had a Cappsizing.
Denard Span – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and a steal. Here’s a fun thing for Topps baseball cards. They should do one of those novelty dual cards with Span and Billy Butler. Have it titled, “Spanning the Globes,” and Span stands behind Butler cupping his moobs.
Joe Mauer/Justin Morneau – The M&M boys both homered in yesterday’s game against the Angels in Target Field. The odds on that exacta were so tiny that, if anyone bought it, Scott Downs would’ve been bankrupted. Just in case Downs got any ideas, someone made sure he couldn’t walk off the field.
Josh Willingham – 3-for-5 with his 4th homer of the year. The Other White Meat is red hot. That is all.
Lance Berkman – Has a small tear in his left calf. A small tear on a calf? That sounds like a Guatemalan harbinger of doom. Berkman says he can return on Tuesday. Not sure how someone of his age is going to be playing in less than a week with a muscle tear in his calf, and I don’t mean that like, “Hey, he’s going to be playing next Tuesday at 100% and I’m gonna be surprised.” No, I meant it like, “He’s going to be at 75% and then need the DL at some point.”
Dan Haren – 5 IP, 9 H, 1 BB, 3 ER, 7 Ks against the Twinkies in Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome with all the runs scoring on a 3-run HR by Mauer. As Rudy mentioned on the Risky Pitcher post, Haren was heavily dependent on his cutter last year — wouldn’t be surprised if his April struggles (6.97 ERA) are a harbinger of Haren’s first non-borderline ace year in a long time.
Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4 with a slam & legs. He’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell. It’s gonna be a doozie to end all doozies!
Carlos Pena – 2-for-3 with his 3rd homer. Remember, he won’t stop hitting homers until around Monday, when he’ll go so ice cold you’ll be looking to chuck Pena.
Jeff Keppinger – 0-for-5 batting cleanup yet again for the Rays. The Rays are so against giving Longoria any protection that they’ve disabled his home alarm system and are poking holes in his condoms.
Kyle Seager – 1-for-4, and a homer. He’ll also be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell. I told you it’s got doozie written all over it.
Matt Garza – 8 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. It’s an ExtravaGarza!
Drew Smyly – 4 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. He has very little experience as a professional, which doesn’t seem to stand in the way of the Tigers (see Porcello). He looks like he has strikeout stuff, but as I tell my girlfriends, beware the small sample size. I wouldn’t go near him outside of AL-Only leagues for the time being. For now, Drew’s a consolation prize SP on his dad Guy’s game show.
Jed Lowrie – Should return from the DL on Friday. Watch out rusty Astros lineup, here comes your booster shot!
Zack Greinke – 3.2 IP, 8 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks. We love Greinke, but this gave us bad flashbacks to his infamous “Greink’d” moments prior to his Cy Young year. Hopefully next outing he’ll be able to put away batters when he gets to 2 strikes. If I were the type to calculate xFIP and not just read it at other sites, I’d say Greinke was hella unlucky yesterday. Then I’d fist bump someone and explode my fist, or something equally douchey that is done by people that say hella.
Jamie Moyer – The last remaining Leftosaurus threw about as good a start as you can hope for him @COL (5.2 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners). Pitching Moyer in the mile high air is like pitching Justin Verlander on the moon.