As Sam Cooke said when looking at John Axford on my fantasy teams, “Change is gonna come.” Thanks, Sam. Sam also said the same thing after I gave a waiter twenty dollars on a $12 bill. Speaking of paper money, is it me or do people pull out a five dollar bill and also wonder to themselves, “Hey, when did they put Daniel Day Lewis on money?” The Brewers said we need to look at the closing situation with Axford. HAHAHAHAHA *breathe, Grey, breathe* HAHAHAHAHA *inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale* Oh, man, that it is rich. They need to look at it?! Really?! That’s like saying there’s a goiter the size of a cantaloupe growing out of your head and you might want to get it checked out. Hey, you got a goiter growing out of your bullpen, Brewers! Check on it! Obviously, you need to grab The Muppeteer, Jim Henderson. I’d hold Axford for now (on my bench), but he could be out of the mix for saves for a while if he can’t his shizz together when he enters games in the 7th and 8th inning. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ryan Braun – 3-for-4, run and RBI as he returned to the lineup. Don’t worry, on the podcast later today, I don’t sing a’la Kelly Clarkson, “Since U been Braun…”
Martin Maldonado – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs as he plays first with Yuniesky Betancourt moving to third while Aramis smells coffee beans on the DL. Maldonado isn’t remotely interesting in most leagues (little power, no speed). His one saving grace for 2-catcher leagues is he might see everyday playing time and has catcher eligibility. Also, Martin Mulldonado’s History of Puerto Rican People In America is an under-appreciated masterpiece.
Welington Castillo – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his first homer of the year. Welington’s fans all started chanting, “Boeuf, there it is!” He could surprise with 15-homer power, but not a whole lot else.
Edwin Jackson – 6 IP, 5 ER. Edlost without allowing any jacks, son.
Matt Harvey – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. I wish he’d change his first name so my Giancarlo tramp stamp wouldn’t need any altering.
John Buck – Hit his third homer. Meanwhile, Travis d’Arnaud sighed.
John Lackey – MRI showed no major damage on Lackey’s arm. Odd, cause there’s some fantasy teams that are showing major damage due to his arm. Alfredo Aceves should take his spot. ‘fredo betrays his family name since he is not an Ace.
Clay Buchholz – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. Hmm…Trying to think of an excuse to not pick him up. Hold on, would ya? *takes a walk, longingly watches someone smoking a cigarette, returns* Okay, Clay’s xFIP is near 4. Not enough? Eh, he could be fine, but I would go to about twenty-five other waiver wire starters prior to him.
Daniel Nava – 2-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 2nd home run in as many games. All he is a hot schmotato, but I like him more than Jackie Bradley Jr. cause at least Daniel’s hitting. Soon though he’ll be Nava, Nava, Nava damn thing.
Adam Jones – 1-for-4 with his first home run as he hits .500 on the year. No idea where I’ve heard his name before. Oh, I know! Silly me, he was the guy I ranked 3 rounds before anyone else and told you to draft him on every team.
Roy Halladay – 4 IP, 7 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. I should’ve told you to sell this guy last week while you still had time to get something. That’s mea culpa. But it’s your-a culpa for drafting him in the first place. At this point, I’d bench him in most leagues and hope the Phils send him to the Disgraceful List so you can DL him.
Paul Maholm – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks. So every starter isn’t Matt Harvey (except in my dreams where Harvey’s wearing a hat made of chocolate frosting and gumdrop mittens). I didn’t like Maholm in the preseason, but I can concede that he’s looking solid as a back-end starter. Every game won’t be this pretty, but every game also won’t come against a team as ugly as the Marlins in Crayola Canyon. Maholm can run together a solid month of starts and appears to be in one of those grooves.
Chris Johnson – 3-for-4, hitting .357 after the first week. With Freddie Freeman out for two weeks, guess who’s going to be playing first? Hint: It’s the name at the beginning of this blurb. If you need some light power and a decent average/counting stats, I’d grab him. Juan Francisco will also be seeing regular playing time, and can give you solid power and less average.
Alexi Ogando – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks. After breezing through the Lastros in his last start, he looked as solid (with obviously less Ks) vs. the Rays last night. The only problem for Ogando seems to be how deep into games he can go. After hearing ad infinitum the adversity Jose Fernandez faced (he was on a raft with an unfriendly Bengal tiger!), Ogando needs to toughen up.
Mitch Moreland – 3-for-3, and his 2nd homer in 3 games. Rudy beat me to the RCL waivers for this guy. 4 ladies and gentlemen, we have a hot schmotato!
Jeff Niemann – Will have season-ending shoulder surgery, which will leave him in the bargain bin at Niemann-bupkis.
Kevin Slowey – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners (0 BBs), 3 Ks. He’s like a poor man’s Maholm. I’ll call him Po’holm. I’ll be honest (I have been lying for the last 1200 words), I can’t build any enthusiasm to pick up Slowey myself, but he could give you solid help with ratios, especially at home.
Aaron Crow – Got the save yesterday. I now own four Royal relievers in the RCL (12-team mixed). Basically any run given up by the Royals bullpen will be on my team. That can’t turn out well…. Or can it? Crow, Kelvin and Collins are terrific. The worst one is the guy the Royals are saying is still the closer, Holland. And, really, he’s not that bad. He’s just struggling right now. The Royals said Holland can take the heat, but Holland took that the wrong way and offered to drive Kelvin anywhere he wanted to go. Kelvin, “Hey, Holland where are we going?” “No, idea, coach asked if I could take the heat tomorrow,” but Holland and Kelvin in the car together produced a Dutch oven. Not everyone can own every Royals reliever on their fantasy team, so I’d rank them for saves Holland, Kelvin, Crow then Collins.
Robinson Cano – 3-for-4, 4 runs and two solo homers. Robinson was stranded in the middle of the 2005 All-Star team, but pulled himself out of his funk without waiting for Friday.
Vernon Wells – 3-for-4 with his 1st steal, hitting .381 so far. I wonder if Arte Moreno owns him on his fantasy team to hedge his bets, assuming his fantasy league pot is $28 million.
Travis Hafner – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .391. If you’re currently in first and you autodrafted Hafner, feel free to email your league that they’ve been Pronk’d.
Carlos Santana – Left yesterday’s game after taking a pitch off his thumb. Oy Como Ya.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER. If you drafted Ubaldo and hold onto him, by June you’ll be Combover-o.
Wandy Rodriguez – Left yesterday’s start with tightness in his hamstring. I once dealt with a tight hamstring during Thanksgiving. What a pain! First, you get the ham out of the can, then there’s string on it? What’s up with that?!
Joe Saunders – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. I just thought of a fun All-Star Game festivity. The starting pitcher from the All-Star Game faces off against the Astros to see how long they go without scoring a run. Only it’s the starting pitcher from 1954 All-Star Game, 84-year-old Whitey Ford.
Hunter Pence – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Due to Pence’s severely deflated draft day price tag, we might have Pence on more teams than any other player. Yay for us. What I do find interesting is Pence is hitting .280 right now. Is it me or does he always hit .280? It’s like he goes 1-for-3 and it’s marked as .280. I need to talk to someone at Elias Sports Bureau about this.
Shin-Soo Choo – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, but two costly errors. Choo turned red with embarrassment…Or maybe he just drank some soju.
David Freese – 0-for-3 as he returned from the DL. Hey, that keyboard shortcut worked out well! Make sure to get Freese into your lineup. as he returned from the DL. Damn!
Jaime Garcia – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks. Had some real concerns about his shoulder when I ranked him crazy/notsexy/notcool low in the preseason. Looks fine thus far, but you’re not gonna get a Buyme anytime soon.
Mitchell Boggs – “Hey, Jim, welcome to the world of TV news, glad to have you on board. So, there’s reports of a tornado brewing on the I-95.” Jim gulps, “You want me to cover that?” “No, we sent some trucks and another reporter to do that.” Jim exhales. “Instead, we’re hearing reports that there’s aliens shooting fire out of their eyes up near Busch Stadium. They are in no way hospitable and they’re wearing Mitchell Boggs’s jersey. We don’t have any trucks left, but my 4-year-old left her tricycle in the backseat of my Porsche. Grab the tricycle and pedal up there. Oh, and Jim, this is not a drill. This is the Closepocalypse.” SIX EARNED RUNS IN A THIRD OF AN INNING?! Hayzeus Cristo! Imagine a failed Shark Tank invention where someone gets the bright idea they want their anus cooled by a fan while they are going to the bathroom, so they put a high-powered fan directly under where you sit. The resulting mess is my fantasy team. As of right now, I’d rank the Cards saves: Boggs, Rosenthal, Salas and Mujica, but I wouldn’t put any in my lineup until I see a clean save.