The Buy/Sell column is back after a long winter break and ready to do this thing better than ever! Let’s hear directly from it. Buy/Sell, “Why are you putting such pressure on me? Better than ever? How about ‘ready to do this hungover’ because it was in Panama City for the last week with James Franco, yelling, ‘Spring…Break…Spring…Break…’ is friggin exhausting! And haunting. I need a nap.” Kolten Wong was named the starting 2nd baseman for the St. Louis Cardinals of the National League Baseball Association, and nary a ‘cracker was lit. Upon his call-up last year, Wong was more wrong than right, but less riiiiiiiight than wrong if you’re sarcastic. He didn’t get enough playing time. David Freese kept playing more often than not and Matt Carpenter didn’t move over to third nearly enough. Even after Allen Craig was hurt, Fatt Adams filled in and Wong sat on the bench. Thankfully, the Cardinals finally moved on from Freese. The Freese has been thawed! What? No good? The Cards froze out that Freese! Still nothing? Now that Kolten Wong gets a full time job, he’ll immediately be mixed league relevant and around a top fifteen option with a chance for more. He’s a clone of Pedroia and not because they both need their tippy-toes to get the sugar from on top of the fridge. Wong can hit 15 homers and steal 20 bases with a solid average. Will he or Wongn’t he? No idea, but definitely worth owning in every mixed league. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy and sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Dee Gordon – After he was benched in the first game of the season, a tidal wave of repercussions went through the fantasy baseball industry that ended with a fat guy in his mom’s basement opening a bag of Doritos and shaking his head, disappointed. But that’s how all repercussions end in the fantasy baseball industry. Brucely, I think it’s better that Gordon’s not playing every day. You don’t want him in your lineup every day. Sure, it’ll mean you have to platoon him, but it also means you can put someone who might hit for a higher average than .230 with zero homers on his off days. Grey out! Oh, no, I’m not, just started.
Brad Miller – You people — yes, you people — should be embarrassed of yourselves for making me repeatedly say you should own Brad Miller. Have you been in a deep slumber for the last six months? Baseball is coming back and Brad Miller is about to kick its ass in the groin. In my top 20 shortstops, Brad Miller is practically a top ten shortstop. Are you people — YES, YOU PEOPLE — in nine team leagues? Oh. You are? Okay, then.
Emilio Bonifacio – Same shituation as Gordon. He’ll platoon and you’ll be better off in the long run. Don’t worry, you don’t actually have to run in this example.
Jonathan Schoop – Will make the Opening Day roster, but the Orioles didn’t name him the starter. I could see if the O’s didn’t have O’Day and Ryan Flaherty was O’Flaherty and Buck Showalter had on repeat De La Soul’s song, Oodles of O’s, but none of this seems relevant. Speaking of which, Schoop isn’t relevant in mixed leagues as long as the O’s plan on platooning him once Machado returns. Schoop will make a nice pick up at some point in-season for most mixed leagues, but is simply a flyer for very deep leagues right now.
Abraham Almonte – He battled booze for a few years, then someone at a Starbucks abbreviated his name on a latte cup as AA and he had a moment of clarity and began hitting the dickens out of the baseball if ‘hitting the dickens’ meant around 12 homer power. He does run the dickens out of the bases and could steal 30 bags. Hard to see him hitting over .260, but he’s absolutely worth a flyer to see how playing time shakes out in Seattle’s outfield. I’ve added him into my top 400 with projections.
Robbie Ross – I just went over him this morning. Click the ‘Home’ thingie then scroll to my other article today and click that. This was brought to you by the credo, “Page views equal 1/100th of a penny.”
Tanner Scheppers – Latest Rangers middle relief arm that will be hurt in 12 to 18 months from overuse in the rotation. In deeppers leagues, I’d take a flyer, but I wouldn’t expect much on a K-rate. In shallow leagues, he’ll be in with the streammers.
Dillon Gee – Was a little confused when I saw in ESPN that Gee wasn’t owned in 50% of leagues (the cut-off for the Buys), then I remembered 97% of ESPN leagues are owned by Matthew Berry’s intern filling up random leagues to push up their numbers. “Mr. Berry, Gmail says I can only create 15,000 email accounts, should I try AOL?”
J.J. Hoover – I was talking to Rudy on the phone the other day — we talk, y’all! — and I was saying to him it makes no sense that people aren’t drafting Hoover when, if this were three days into the season, Hoover would be picked up quicker than something you can do really fast. Will Hoover become a donkeycorn any time soon? Unlikely, but worth owning.
Jose Valverde – Writing his name, I just vomited into my mouth, spit it up onto the floor and it spelled out, “Gross.”
Justin Smoak – When I was in Vegas in January, I put money on the Mariners winning the World Series. The odds were terrible and I was drunk, but this isn’t — or thisn’t if you’re in a rush — your slightly older brother’s Mariners. I think Cano is going to hit .315, and the biggest benefactor will be Smoak. This Justin! He feels primed for a breakout. He just needs to get a tad lucky and hit .250. Want a preseason bold prediction that makes no sense at all and is just a gut feeling? Justin Smoak is a top 12 1st baseman for fantasy this year.
Todd Frazier – Did he burn you last year? Aw, are you butthurt? You can’t go back again to give him another shot, huh? You’re too good? Your feces smells like Reese’s Pieces? Better be careful when E.T. comes a sniffin’.
Cody Asche – I’ve drafted him in one league so far, and I want him in every league, but I’ll admit to waiting until I see a little bit of a hot streak in 12 team mixed leagues and shallower.
Mike Olt – Just went over my Mike Olt fantasy. I wrote it on my lower back like a tramp stamp.
Dexter Fowler – I’m not a huge believer in Fowler or Fowlieber if you’re 12 years old. Either way, April is the time to own him. Last year, he hit 8 homers in April and 4 homers the April before.
Junior Lake – Like in the Temple of Doom, I’m going to reach into my own chest, but instead of removing my heart, I shall remove my soul. I will place my soul in the chair next to me for the time being and let my soulless self look at everyone else’s projections for Junior Lake. See, I am taking myself out of the equation. People seem to think Lake can hit more than 10 homers and steal 20 bags. Okay, re-inserting soul. *shudders* That was weird! 10 homers and 20 steals looks optimistic to me, but for where you can draft him, I would take the flyer.
Kole Calhoun – Probably because everyone and their mother sister can get 10 homers and 20 steals nowadays, Calhoun seems like yet another one, but he actually has 20 homer power and 10 steal speed.
Avisail Garcia – I’m confused why he’s owned in under 50% of ESPN leagues so let’s just say to pick him up and move on.
Grady Sizemore – Burp. He was named the Opening Day center fielder. Burp. I’m not going to try to act excited for Sizemore. Is he worth a flyer in some leagues? Did Little Red Riding Hood crap in the woods?
Clayton Kershaw – Sure, I’m admittedly hurt that you didn’t follow my advice and drafted an ace in the first round. Yes, I’m willing Kershaw to be seriously injured with all the fiber in my bran cereal, but I really think your team is weak on hitting. How do I even know what your team looks like without seeing it? Okay, we’ll assume there’s a fantasy team drafted in the last month that I haven’t seen. Unlikely, but we’ll assume it. If that team has Kershaw, you’re weak on hitting and pitching is crazy deep so you don’t need Kershaw. Pitching is so deep it looks up to Jacques Cousteau.