Okay, sue me for Safecoexual Erasment, but I need some Erasmo Ramirez right now. Who is stopping him? Joe Saunders, The Harangutan or is it Jeremy Bonderman? Whips and chains excite me, but Bonderman does absolutely nothing for me. The tantric Mariners will eventually succumb to an Erasm. They have to. They are pleasure seekers like all of us fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!). Ewww, just got the shudders talking about my mom with all of these double entendres. “Grey, your moostasha is full, but I don’t like this dirty word talk!” That’s my mom fresh off the boat from Sicily. Ramirez has an under 2 BB/9 and over 9 K/9 in Triple-A this year, and he’s not an out of the blue pitcher or without major league seasoning. Last year with the M’s, he threw 59 IP with a 3.36 ERA and an even 1.00 WHIP. There was even talk he’d start the year in the Mariners rotation, until he got injured. He’s fully healthy right now and blowing people away, biding his time for entry into the M’s rotation. Looking for that pitcher that could be this year’s Kris Medlen? Look no further! Unless, of course, you’re looking about 3 inches short of your computer screen, then look a little further. What does the Buysellatops think? It doesn’t think; it’s a dinosaur! I realize Erasmo pronounced backwards is, “I’m sorry,” but he won’t disappoint. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
J.B. Shuck – Are you ready for the largest class of SAGNOF speedsters since 1986 when MLB banned cocaine and legalized steroids? If you say you’re hard up for steals and can’t find anyone this week, you’re either in a very deep league or you’re dopey. I can’t help dopey. But I can try! J.B. steals bases with his patented Shuck ‘n dive. The play begins with him running to 2nd, then he says he admires Paula Deen, then he dives into second safe.
Ichiro Suzuki – If you would’ve told me three months ago I’d be telling people to pick up Ichiro, I would’ve said you were liar and asked you politely to take your hand off my thigh.
Jordan Schafer – He was hurt at the tail end of Wednesday’s game, but he should be fine moving forward. If not, he can always steal bases backwards.
Nate Schierholtz – Has two homers in the last week while batting near .300. Does that pique your interest? Or peek if you’re homophonic.
Eric Young – He could steal 2nd and 3rd on the same play. That’s how fast he is. He’s sooooo fast, he just ran into your room, took a hard candy out of your pocket, mussed your hair and ran back out of the room before you even knew it. Check your pocket. See? So if Young keeps getting on base at a nice clip, he could steal 35 bases in the 2nd half.
Jarrod Dyson – I’m out of breath from all of the steal guys this week. Someone get me a water to rehydrate my breath. Is that how that works?
Ryan Sweeney – You buyin’? I like Ryan!
Zoilo Almonte – The New York media is calling him The Bronx Zo’. Only in New York (and on Razzball) does a player get a nickname within thirty minutes of being with the club. I’ll never forget when Maas-zah was ironically leavening pitches. Here’s what I said the other day about Zoilo, “Almonte is very aggressive at the plate, which means he’s the type that can get off to a great start until pitchers start reading the book on him. That book’s titled, “Throw Zoilo Breaking Balls In The Dirt.” Luckily, Jim Bouton was the last pitcher that could read. Almonte is legitimately the first upsidey player on the Yankees since Jesus Montero was traded. He has speed, pop, might hit .220 and could be back in the minors in two weeks, where he’ll lead his team to a Little League championship with a fake ID. I’d give him a whirl in deeper leagues, just don’t expect him to cure the common head cold.” And that’s me quoting me!
Rajai Davis – I’m waving my hands like Henry Hill when Pesci is about to choke him with all of these SAGNOF outfielders.
Drew Stubbs – Okay, that’s it! I can’t take it anymore! (To preemptively answer this question, “Grey, your mustache reminds me of a young Christie Brinkley, only sexier. So, which one of these SAGNOF OFs do you grab first?” Leonys.)
David Murphy – On this list less for what he’s done recently and more because the Hitter-Tron really likes him this week, but the Hitter-Tron has posters of the Small Wonder girl all over his room, so grain of salt there.
Jason Castro – There weren’t any catchers that really popped out this week, but what would we do with ourselves if there were no catchers in our Buy column? We’d be sad, that’s what we’d do! Can you do sad? No, lower on the sides of your lips. Oh, man, you Botox’d too much.
Peter Bourjos – Between him and Shuck, something’s gotta give, which is the worst chick flick you will ever see that isn’t titled for an AOL catchphrase.
Brett Wallace – Franks ‘n Beans returned from the minors. Don’t think much of him outside of NL-Only leagues. In fact, don’t think much of him in those leagues either. Show me something first, Wallace, that’s what I’m saying to him in writing.
Ike Davis – Should be back with the club any day now. Brucely, he might be with the club already but standing just outside of our field of vision.
Chris Johnson – Doesn’t have huge power or much speed, but he is currently hitting.
Juan Francisco – They’re together again! Johnson and Francisco are like pees and poops! That’s my new saying. Every time you want to say something is together like peas and carrot, say they’re together like pees and poops. Then mail me a nickel.
Matt Dominguez – He was this week’s Creeper and hasn’t let us down or Sky, our fantasy football correspondent. And by ‘correspondent,’ I mean a guy sitting in his underwear, drinking beer and writing about fantasy football.
Mark Melancon – Grilli might have charred his last save if he can’t get his act together and Melancon has been lights out all year. Hey who turned off the lights?! Melancon did.
Neil Walker – You won’t find a guy who’s further down on Neil Walker, in the non-sexual way, than me, but he’s hitting near .370 in the last week with a homer, so there’s that.
Brad Miller – Latest prospect in the bigs with some talent is the Mariners newest shortstop. You’re showing Nick Franklin’s stats, the dealer’s showing Brad Miller and that’s a push.
Logan Forsythe – With Jedd’s setback, Forsythe should have everyday playing time for another few days to a week. Though, this brings up an interesting point. When Gyorko returns, Forsythe is benched? Actually, that’s not that interesting. Yeah, he’s benched.
Pedro Ciriaco – Now when EverCab returns it does get more interesting than this (it does). Will Ciriaco continue to get ABs? (No.) Could be a game-time decision by the Padres manager. (Simply because all lineup decisions are made game-time. They don’t fill out the lineup card in December.)
Corey Kluber – Just went over him this morning. Look down and you’ll find him. Look down on the site, not in your lap.
Chris Capuano – Don’t love him for the long-term, but what do you care about long-term loving? Wanna go to Vermont with him and become Razzball Commenter-Capuano?
Kyle Gibson – Here’s what I said the other day about Gibson being called up, “First things first, I poppa freaks all the honeys. Second things second, Gibson may only pitch another 40 innings this year. He probably won’t stay in the rotation when Pelfrey returns either, which is the third thing. We’re on the fourth thing already? Geez, time moves fast. I remember when we were on the first thing. Fifth thing, he’s had a pretty average K-rate in the minors since his Tommy John surgery and he is just returning from it, so his command hasn’t been as excellent as it was before (which is natural; takes time for command to return). Sixth thing, I wouldn’t touch him in 14-team and shallower mixed leagues out of the gate. Seventh thing, there’s no seventh thing. Eighth thing, seriously, this might go up to ten things. …Actually, that’s it. Bummer, totally fizzled out there.” And that’s me copying and pasting me!
Taylor Jordan – Just went over him this morning. You’ll find it if you need to. Look at me having faith in you!
Hector Santiago – Has been good for Ks all year and I’m streaming him today. Let’s Thelma & Louise this over the cliff together!
Ricky Nolasco – He’s getting some heat right now because of trade rumors. A new team won’t make him more attractive for all leagues, but if he goes to the Padres, Dodgers or Giants, obviously that’s a coup, assuming you’re on the side of the coup that wins and not the side of the coup that is made to flee your country in the middle of the night.
Jose Reyes – I call this Sell column, “I’ve been here and told you to Sell these guys multiple times already, but you’ll be glad I did again or at least die hatin’ me.” Don’t hate, figure eight in a sequins outfit. That’s my saying, too. Let’s take me out of the equation for a second. ZiPS has Reyes’s rest of the season projections at 5 more homers and 15 steals. Steamer has 6 more homers and 17 steals. You could get that from Alcides Escobar, who is being dropped in leagues. You could get that from Jimmy Rollins, and people are totally sick of him. Erick Aybar gives you 5 homers and 15 steals by August. Sure, maybe Reyes hits .330 and steals 40 bases in an abbreviated season as he channels his 23-year-old self. Unfortch, he’s thirty years old now and just had an ankle injury that knocked him out for 10 weeks. That sure doesn’t sound like a recipe for success, but too many chefs spoil the broth so I’ll let you tend to your stew. I wouldn’t trade Reyes for a trip to the DMV, but I would explore offers.
Hanley Ramirez – His rest of the season projections are about as bad as Reyes. He’s averaged a .250, uh, average over the last two years and he’s hitting .380. Okay, that seems off to me, but what do I know? I’m just a poor boy from a poor family. He has 5 homers in 22 games. So, over a full season he’s a 40-homer hitter after never hitting more than 33 homers in a season even in his prime? Well, that seems odd, but what do I know? Up until college I thought Cat Stevens was one of Siegfried and Roy’s tigers. None of this is taking his health into account. This is assuming he’s healthy. When assuming, you make an ass out of you and Ming’s Dynasty. I’m not saying dump Hanley like your trash that you sneak into your neighbor’s garbage cans, but I’d see what I could get for him.