In an unprecedented move, I’m making Aramis Ramirez a Buy after labeling him a schmohawk in the preseason. Crazy, right? Get me a constituency and a mistress, I’m a flip-flopping politician? I’ll run on the “No more new tuxes” campaign. Then when people elect me and say they thought it was a typo or a weird lisp, I’ll tell them, “No, I’m just not buying a new tuxedo.” I don’t want to talk up Aramis too much because I don’t think he’s a surefire stud. He is what he is. A 25 homer, 90+ RBI, .280 guy. This past April was his worst month ever. The next closest month of the last six years was when he hit .197 in April of 2006. In the last six years, he never had more than two months under .250 in the same year. Right now, his BABIP is the unrealistic .160. His career mark is .288. That’s obviously a far way off. I wouldn’t give my dead grandma’s broach to get Aramis, but right now his owners don’t even want him or your nana’s forget-me-not. You can probably trade a Brain Freeze and a schmohawk and get him. Check raise the bettor, cause you have alligator’s blood. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Kris Medlen – In the minors, he averaged a 9+ K/9. Last year in 67+ innings with the Braves, he had a 9+ K/9. I don’t think he’s just going to walk away with Jurrjens’ rotation spot, but if Jurrjens has a setback (that’s a lilliputian “if”), Medlen could stick around for a month or so, giving a mid-3 ERA, a manageable WHIP and great Ks. I <3 Medlen.
Brett Cecil – He’s my favorite hodgepodjay upside pick, but he too will be subjected to tough matchups. Move Toronto to the NL!
Ian Kennedy – Even if we’re to assume 60% of ESPN leagues have been abandoned, how is he only owned in 7% of ESPN leagues? He has a 1.14 WHIP with decent strikeout and walk rates. I’ll buy that for a FAAB dollar!
Wade LeBlanc – Here’s to Tally McTallstein never returning.
Hisanori Takahashi – Those of you looking for some Ks from your MRs, Takahashi has 26 Ks through 18 2/3 innings. As Kevin Brauch says, konbanwa, ladies and gentlemen.
Tyler Clippard – Damn, dawg, I’m dropping the gauntlet on middle relievers. That’s pitchy.
Starlin Castro – Don’t you wanna put an apostrophe on Starlin? Yeah, me too. Let’s start with what Stephen said in the Cubs Minor League Review, “He has more speed than his steals would even lead one to believe as he is still learning the stealing craft. Oh, and sometimes I want to poison strangers.” Hmm… Didn’t remember that last part. Okay, you’d think with a name like Castro, they’d platoon him cause that’s the Communist thing to do. Yeah, I don’t think that happens. He’s playing shortstop and Theriot moves to 2nd base. So the Silent T tag team of Theriot and Fontenot gets split up. Too bad, so sad. You guys were no Bushwhackers anyway. Grab Castro in all leagues where you need speed. I’d expect a line of 60/3/40/.290/27. The Runs and RBIs are lineup placement dependent. My thought is he plays half his games at the top of the order and half at the bottom, but that’s me hedging more than anything. And welcome all the gardeners who Googled, Bushwhackers + hedging.
David Freese – Now, he has modest power and a great average. Later, he’ll have modest power and a good average. Mmm… Freese’ing a now and later.
Fred Lewis – Beans don’t burn on the grill, Fred’s working his way up that “Valuable in deep mixed leagues” hill.
J.D. Drew – This week’s ROTIOAOWAYSETWOASPAYOWTWH. BTW, that’s pronounced like LOTIOAOWAYSETWOASPAYOWTWH, but with an R.
Kila Ka’aihue – Now in most circumstances, I’d say a team bringing up Kila would play him, but we’re talking about the Royals. They may be thinking that teams are making fun of them for not promoting Kila so they’ll bring him up and let him rot on the bench. You know, the passive aggressive move. Hopefully, Kila can find some ABs. If he can, he’s worth owning in 12 team mixed leagues and maybe shallower.
Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Supposed to be bacchia by now, but he’s not yet because he’s working on his throwing. We should see him soon.
Mike Aviles – Average, not much else. Speaking of which, I wonder if people would respect pure average guys better if it was called something other than average, because average is so usual, passable, adequate. Now if batting average were referred to as excellent, people would be clamoring for these guys. That Aviles is an excellent player, not much else. See?
Koji Uehara – When the media asked Alfredo Simon how he felt to be the O’s closer, Alfredo said, “I’m the closer? That’s scarzy, which is a portmanteau of scary and crazy. Like this girl I used to date. Anyhoo, who wants some freshly ground pepper on their pasta?” Those desperate for saves, commence vulturing on Koji now.
Alfredo Simon – Simon’s right; it is scarzy, but if he’s getting saves, you know the SAGNOF drill.
Doug Fister – It’s funny to watch ownership trends in ESPN. And funny as in not funny at all but rather pedantic. On April 13th, Fister throws 8 shutout innings. Fluke! No one adds him. Next start, 7 IP, 1 ER. Fluke! Five days later, 8 IP, 2 ER. Hmm… Who is this guy? Last start, 8 IP, 0 ER. I’m adding him! Now he’s sure to explode.
Jeff Clement – Hey, he got almost two months over the course of four years and two teams to prove himself. That’s plenty of time.
Lance Berkman – I totally regret drafting him in the one league where I have him. It’s a 20 team league making me kinda SOL. For most of you, you can trade Berkman for a small piece and just grab Smoak or Ike Davis or Swisher off waivers and come within 95% of Berkman’s production while adding another piece.
Andruw Jones – But it’s a feel good story! Sorry, friend. Right now, his HR/FB is almost 35%; his career mark is 19% and that number is being supported by his years when he was actually good. He’s not keeping this up even if he stayed at a Renaissance Hotel last night.