Los Angeles is a town where the only thing better than a great idea is cashing in on the goodwill of that great idea via sequels. So it is no surprise that the Dodgers released a sequel to their 2009 hit, Malcontent Ramirez. If you loved Mannywood, you’ll like Hanleywood! In the first one, a brooding superstar, played by Wesley Snipes, sick of the big city moves to the The Biggest Little City After Reno — Los Angeles — and gets a little help from the people who care, managers, agents and studio people. In the sequel, a brooding superstar, played by Omar Epps, saves a city in economic ruin by collecting roughly $40 million dollars from his new city for lackluster play. Can’t wait for the 2015 pickup of Aramis Ramirez starring Mike Epps. Like Manny, Hanley Ramirez has all the talent in the world. His issues in Miami are probably more mental than anything. One sour note on Hanley vs. Manny is that Manny was going from AL to NL and able to feast on more fastballs. I’m willing to gamble on him with the Dodgers that his talent plays up to snuff — hey, Bob Crane! — in the new environs. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Dee Gordon – It’s being reported that Gordon will return from the DL and move to a bench role. The Dodgers gave him a good long leash, but every time they put out the bat signal, he was the Bane of their existence. Oh, well, I’ll be so-missin’-ya Gordon. (The preceding was at the request of focus groups that said I need to target more 12 to 15 year olds.) Yesterday, Hanley did play 3rd, so it’s worth seeing how it shakes out if you have DL room.
Nate Eovaldi – Going the other way in the Hanley trade, Lasorda’s favorite olive oil. Dodgers Stadium to Crayola Canyon is a push as is Eovaldi’s value change. He needs to go deeper in games to be mixed league-worthy and was probably already owned in NL-Only leagues, so there’s that.
Starling Marte – He was in this past Friday’s Buy. Here’s my Starling Marte fantasy. Some of the things I said, “Mash-Up of the Lambs” would make a great twice-baked potato in “Jose Tabata’s skin” with a side of “fava beans.” Damn, those quotes are terrible, I could never work for Zagat’s. Well, go read the post. The short of it is, I grabbed him in a 12 team mixed league for his upside with his speed and power combo.
Alex Rodriguez – Take the part where Mac Lethal says “It’s done” and replace “It’s” with A-Rod. Out six to eight weeks and the Yankees will go to… Eric Chavez? I find that extremely unlikely. There’s no way the Yankees rely on Chavez in the heart of a pennant race. This team is littered with goldplatement players. Which brings me to…
Chase Headley – The Yanks will go hard after him. I’d absolutely stash him for the next few days to see if he ends up in a better home park. Well, any other park is better, but The House They Built Across The Street From The House Ruth Built would be ideal. BTW, he homered yesterday. Why? Because he wasn’t in godforsaken Petco.
Jesus Guzman – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and 2 homers. A show of hands for everyone who owned Jesus Guzman for this game. Now everyone with their hand up that is related to Jesus Guzman, lower your hand. You don’t count.
Ichiro Suzuki – 1-for-5 and a caught stealing. Ichiro really looks reborn with his new team. Sideways mouth emoticon with a squiggly line for my mustache.
Ivan Nova – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners with 6 walks vs. the Mariners as he was doing the BBssanova.
Albert Pujols – Sat out yesterday with a sore elbow and went for x-rays, which came back negative. Which II, The Return To Which Mountain? is luckily positive. He’ll probably return for Friday’s game, which is after Fursday, a secret day between Thursday and Friday.
Mike Trout – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a home run. Just another day at the office, and that office door reads, “The Greatest of All-Time.”
Torii Hunter – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. He has a shirt that reads, “I’m With Stupid Awesome!”
Kevin Youkilis – Left yesterday’s game with an injured ankle. Looks like his mom doesn’t talk with Achilles’ mom.
Ricky Romero – 1 1/3 IP, 8 ER. If you still own him, you’re not reading this anyway, so let me start by saying I was the one who parked so close to your luxury car that you couldn’t open the door and needed to climb through the passenger seat. I also was the one playing that minutes song from Rent at two o’clock in the morning, singing the chorus with all the wrong words. 5,673 minutes in a day! I’m sorry, it’s just so catchy.
J.P. Arencibia – Well, that hot streak came to an end unserendiptiously (Made Up Word of the Day!). J.P.’s out for six weeks with a fractured hand. It would’ve been fitting if he hurt himself making chicken on one of those “Set it and Forget It” rotisserie’s, but alas…
Francisco Cordero – Speaking of alas, Astros need to pull the F-Cord and let him plummet to the ground. Yesterday, 2/3 IP, 3 ER. Day before, same shizz. If you’re not affiliated with the Astros, you can go ahead and skip down. This is meant for them: I mean, seriously, people are looking at you like you’re a bunch of incompetent buffoons! My 12-year-old niece wouldn’t use F-Cord as a closer and she thinks Justin Bieber invented this thing called “music.” You need to put on your big boy pants and stop sending out there a guy that cannot close games for the few wins you actually may stumble on. Smarten up, and go with Lopez! Schmohawks!
Donovan Solano – 0-for-1 with 2 steals. His name literally translates to 60’s heartthrob of the sun. Here’s what I said previously on him, “Solano has no power, no speed, but I hear he can sac fly like nobody’s business. If your fantasy league has a “Fundamentals” category, Solano’s an immediate pickup.” And that’s me quoting me! Donovan’s prospects have me pretty mellow yellow. In NL-Only leagues, you have to do what you have to do, but in most leagues you can do better. Look at me having faith in you! Like the MasterChef judges with the blind girl. I’m waiting for them to do a challenge where they blindfold all the other cheftestants and they give the blind girl mittens. Also, Rudy created a game, you have to _____ when Gordon says ‘stunning’ or ‘amazing’ to describe something.
Justin Ruggiano – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and a steal… Okay, every Marlin had a steal yesterday. Not surprising that a battery of Hanson-McCann would have a stinky trigger finger.
Giancarlo Stanton – About two weeks away from returning. Ah, to be young and heal quickly. And to be young and sexy and Giancarlo’s girlfriend. Wait, huh?
Ricky Nolasco – 5 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. Well, I guess he’s not going to be good this July. As much as I’d go upstream against the Marlins, I’d also avoid their starters.
Juan Francisco – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs with his 8th homer. A quick heads up, I will like Francisco a lot3 next year if the Braves turn to him as their starting 3rd baseman.
Jason Heyward – 2-for-4 and his 15th homer. I said about a month ago that Heyward could be more valuable than Justin Upton this year and was lambasted for it. Lambasted, I tell ya! Well, neither is running away with the Crazy Talent, Crazy Hype, Will They Perform Up To Their Ability title yet, but Heyward’s got a one and a half car lead.
Tommy Hanson – 5 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners with 7 walks, 7 Ks. That Tommy sure throws a mean four balls.
Drew Stubbs – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a steal. The day before, a homer. Tomorrow, the world! If someone was impatient and dropped him, grab him now.
Homer Bailey – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 7 Ks. If he was going against anyone but the Astros, this probably wouldn’t have turned out so well, but his season ERA is at 3.53. Zoinks!
Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. I can talk about how inconsistent he is until I’m blue in the face, but it’s not Halloween and my cougar doesn’t like when I dress up as a Smurf. I’ve tried.
A.J. Griffin – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. Staked to an early 10 run lead, he hit up Expedia and booked the free room at the W on the Ivictory Coast.
Coco Crisp – 3-for-6, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and 2 homers. Best performance by a breakfast meal since Johnny Cakes romanced Vito.
Chris Carter – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a homer. Now has 6 homers in 43 ABs and three in the last ten games. He had been platooning, but his power, and lack of strikeouts (once a hinderance for him) should force him into the everyday lineup. He’s been compared to Ryan Howard, and not only in girth. Definitely worth a look if you’re dying for power.
Jayson Werth – Target date for Werth to return is next Tuesday. The Wal-Mart date for Werth is Monday at midnight. Take that, Target!
Stephen Strasburg – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks. St. Rasburg looked divine once again. I don’t envy the Nationals decision about what to do with his innings limit. I’d shut him down at 160 innings, but the opposite argument is very compelling. I just feel like you can’t sacrifice St. Rasburg’s future for the now. Though, even when cherry picking, Verducci’s results on limiting innings tends to be the pits.
Danny Espinosa – 2-for-4 with his 9th homer. He’s been on a tear lately, hitting near .400 over the last week and over .350 in July. His K-rate has been the same in July (not good) and his BABIP is crazy in inflated (read: lucky), but, as they said in Ancient Greece, ride the lightning while it’s raining. BTW, why is it whenever you type in a player’s name into Google the first suggestion is girlfriend? I’ll tell you why. Because when you guys get together you’re worse than a sewing circle with your gossiping. Bunch of bitties, all of you! Yeah, I said it.
Adam LaRoche – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games. LaRoche meet 2nd half of the 162 game schedule, 2nd half say wassup to LaRoche.
Ryan Dempster – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks as he took the loss vs. the Pirates. Well, you could’ve faced the newly-rebuilding-for-the-seventh-time Marlins.
Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-3 with his 5th homer, raising his average to .323. Kinda surprised by the amount of ADD (Attention Deficit Drops) focused on Rizzo. Seems like everyone wants to drop him. Wasn’t it two weeks ago you were glad you got him? Chillax, over-the-internet friend.
Pablo Sandoval – Will wait until Friday to see if his strained hamstring warrants a trip to the DL, but it sounds like it will. Too bad, if anyone seemed hamstrong, it was Sandoval.
Tim Lincecum – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 8 Ks vs. the Padres as he’s trying to single-handedly ruin the predictiveness of FIP. If Lincecum had any bigger of a problem with men on base, he’d be an inner-city mayor.
Ryan Roberts – With the addition of Roberts, the Rays designated Hideki. More time for his Guinness world record porn collection! And yesterday Roberts hit a homer. He really hasn’t done much in the last year (last year in the 2nd half he hit .239). If you’re totally desperate, I can understand the flyer, but I’m not rushing out to grab him.
Miguel Gonzalez – 2 2/3 IP, 7 ER. The O’s should have Weird Al come up with a song for their terrible pitchers. Call it, “Moves Like Arrieta.”
Francisco Rodriguez – 2/3 IP, 2 ER. Dor-K!
Carlos Gomez – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 1 RBI as his owners continue to watch ess CarGo. Well, that didn’t work. You butter pick up dis CarGo. Yeah, not much better.
Rickie Weeks – 4-for-4 with a homer. That’s more like a Rickie Month!