Am I original? Yeeeeeah.
Am I the only one? Yeeeeeeeah.
Greetings Beddict lovers! Tis I, Tehol, here to assist you with squeaking into the playoffs and hopefully make you say “LOL, OMG” a few times throughout the post. Unless you’re a troglodyte you know that I’ve utterly shamed the other writers in The Razzball Writers’ League and because of that wondrous fact I don’t even need to pay attention to it anymore and even more of my focus can be put forth on you, oh beautiful readers. You already know that I’m the resident points league expert, (if you don’t know, now you know) but I play in all formats and believe in nothing but absolute domination. Ask Nick Capozzi. Oh you did? And he called me a D-bag? Well, there may be some truth in his words but obviously I’ve been called far worse in my lifetime of stripping, donkey shows and man-kini modeling, so that’s no skin off my sack.
I’d like to write a little about the ridiculous amount of hype Xander Bogaerts has received. Wait, what? I just searched archives and witnessed that even I, Tehol Beddict, featured Boges in a post. 1) I was probably highly intoxicated and 2) It was a obviously a shameless way for me to attempt to get more reads since everyone skips over my stuff. It hurts me guys. It truly does. Anyway, I see no value in owning Bogaerts outside of, obviously, dynasty leagues. I’m still seeing shizz saying he’s a “must own” in all formats. Please tell me I’m seeing things! Dude plays like every 3 days and isn’t a burner on the base paths either. There is ZERO value in having him on your bench, especially during a playoff push. True, he’s a cool looking guy but hey, so am I and that obviously doesn’t make anyone read my articles. So that’s it, Ok guys? Drop him and just like Christian Slater, we shall never speak of him again…….. that is unless Drew or Middlebrooks gets benched or injured. If that occurs, obviously go ahead and pick him back up, but either way he’s not going to win or lose you a title. I’d rather have Alexi Ramirez and no I’m not joking. Let’s move on, shall we. Here’s what I else I witnessed this past week in baseball. Take heed friends.
Chris Archer – Those struggles a little while ago feel like they never occurred. Archer is back playaz! Sir Archer has pitched at an elite level in the majority of his starts this season, making him one of the best late season additions in fantasy baseball.
Taijuan Walker – “Sky” Walker makes his debut on Friday and what do you know? It’s against the Astros, a team that strikes out more than Capozzi at a speed dating event. I’m predicting a minimum of 8 K’s and of course the win. Ride me to the championship ladies…..and gentlemen.
Jacoby Ellsbury – When Ellsbury was pulled from the game Wednesday, I must admit I was frightened. Not quite as frightened as I was after watching Drew Carey’s homemade sex tapes, but you know, still frightened. The X-rays were of course negative and Ellsbury was back in the lineup Thursday hitting and even stealing another base, which he’s started doing again with great frequency. It’s been a pleasure to own him this season.
Miguel Cabrera – The man is limping around out there like Lindsay Lohan on horse tranquilizers, yet still producing like the savage beast we all know and love. This is not good news for Detroit’s World Series dreams, but let’s just hope he can finish off the regular season near his current level of production for all you Cabrera owners on here. I’m assuming his numbers take a slight dip from here on out, but I’m only correct 93 percent of the time, so don’t fret.
Hanley Ramirez – Han-Ram is still stroooookin, still stroooookin wood. Witnessing Hanley return to his old, glorious form has truly been a blessing from the elder gods. I just sacrificed a goat in his honor. You should do the same.
Giancarlo Stanton – It’s been reported that during Stanton’s last stint on the disabled list, he trained exclusively with Mel Gibson. The probable drug use and verbal abuse he received from Mel explains the early struggles after he returned but the weight training has paid off as Stanton is raking. For the rest of the season he will be a top 5 fantasy hitter. Witness.
Jason Heyward – Ouch!!!! I haven’t seen a man take one in the face like that since my last stint in county. It’s too bad, cuz he was a man on fire. By the way, Man On Fire could very well be one of the top 5 underrated movies of all time. OF ALL TIME!
Justin Verlander – Another reason Detroit will not win the World Series. I want to tell you to drop him but I’m not ready to go that far quite yet. Hopefully you traded him early as I did when I noticed he looked off in week 2. Hopefully he throws you a gem or two in the playoffs. I doubt it, but anything is possible if Mark Ruffalo is starring in movies. God, I can’t stand that guy for some reason.
Dustin Ackley – Ack-attack is no longer wack. If you are struggling at 2nd base, throw him in there and ride the wave.
Ichiro Suzuki – I live in Seattle and I’m disgusted with all the Ichiro hate the local radio guys have been putting out there. The 4,000 accomplishment has given them the opportunity to bash Ichiro for reasons I can’t even think of, even though the Japanese sensation was the catalyst for the greatest regular season team in MLB history, among with numerous other accolades. It really makes me sick. I understand that all 4,000 hits can’t be counted, but there’s no disputing Ichiro would have well over 3,000 in the bigs. Well over 3,000. He shall soon ascend to baseball God-hood and guide the next generation of Japanese stars. Ichi-San hasn’t been great for fantasy this season but he’s still a decent fill in when desperate or when making daily changes. I’ll always love you, Ichiro.
Derek Jeter – Jete’s back!!!! WHO CARES!??
Hiroki Kuroda – Kuroda’s implosion has come at a terrible time, not only for the Yankees playoff hopes, but for some of yours as well. Hiroki has been mindnumbingly butt-blasted in his past few starts and nobody can explain why. Have faith, for he will bounce back.
Garrett Jones – You have Cutch, the “Dread Pirate” and then you have, Jones, the “Butt Pirate.” Pittsburgh’s pickup of the Byrd man makes Jones even more worthless than before. Drop accordingly.
Jayson Werth – Well, it seems I was dead wrong about Werth being criminally overpaid. I’d say he’s underpaid. What a legend.
Brandon Moss – Moss has dropped more bombs as of late than Ryan Reynolds. Get him in your lineup NOW! Think about it for a sec: what the f#ck has Reynolds put out that’s been remotely watchable in the past 3 years? I mean, I like the guy but fire your agent for the love of the gods. These constant duds are devastating. The Change-Up was kind of funny but really, what else? I can’t take it anymore!
Joaquin Benoit – Benoit hasn’t gotten any mention from me this season but he’s been 100 percent lights out since becoming the closer for Detroit. Seriously, look it up. He’s great.
Kenley Jansen – I told you all season he was possibly the best closer in baseball and questioned anyone who had him ranked outside the top 3 as soon as he was made closer. It’s like nobody had ever seen this guy before. Anyone recall last season??!? It’s like all these so called experts went brain dead or were paid off by the travesty that is Brandon League. I’m getting angrier and angrier throughout this post. Maybe we should wind this down.
Prince Fielder – Tubbs here has been the biggest disappointment in fantasy this season……literally. There’s no excuse for such minuscule power numbers from this obese vegan. He hits in between two of the hottest hitters in baseball. He’s getting a divorce? So what? Did he catch Doug Fisting his wife? Seriously, what could it be? He’s putting up Kyle Seager numbers and it’s gross. Yuuuuck.
Brad Ziegler – Everyday he’s Strugg-a-lin.
And there you have it folks. I had more planned but my anger was taking over. Hopefully my hate dies with this post. As per usual your questions and comments will be responded too within minutes as I’m here for you all day and night. Feel free to follow me on twitter at @TeholBeddict47 and make sure you check me out in the football section where I will have a post on my writers league team posted tomorrow and more to gems the following week. It’s been a pleasure serving you.