The Denver Homerlette is like the Slam & Legs, except it’s 2 HRs, while Tulo and CarGo hold their legs. As most of you know, Rudy writes the title for most of these. Currently, Rudy and I are in a tough battle for 1st place in our RCL and he owns Corey Dickerson, so I thought I’d share with you the first few titles Rudy suggested, “Dickerson Poops On Grey, But Of Coors” and “Suck My Dickerson.” Stay classy, Rudy! Since Rudy won’t or can’t toot his own horn, I will for him. Hmm, that sounds weird. Maybe if he could’ve tooted his own horn, his wife wouldn’t be spitting out kids like they were sunflower seeds. In February, Rudy released his rankings, and he had Dickerson at 102 overall. I don’t think I saw Dickerson within 100 spots of that anywhere. I was one of the other few people who even ranked him, and I didn’t have him within 150 of that. Yesterday, Dickerson hit two bombs, raising his season total to 22. In addition, he has a .311 batting average to go with 8 steals. Right now, he’s top 60 overall on our Player Rater and near the top 15 for outfielders. That’s after Walt Weiss played with his ding-a-ling for a month, platooning him. That ranking won’t be far from where he’s ranked for 2015 either. Everywhere he’s played he’s shown solid power, average and some speed, then throw Coors into the equation and he could be a top 30 bat overall in 2015. Yup, I kinda love him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer. Someone set up a 2015 draft so I can draft Arenado already. I’m fiending like Carnie Wilson in an Entenmann’s factory!
Gregor Blanco – 2-for-4, 2 runs. I goofed by dropping him on Sunday before he went into Coors. I can see that now, Gods of Hindsight. Thanks for pointing it out.
Joe Panik – 2-for-4. Looks like owners who picked Panik up subconsciously while dealing with sudden anxiety have been doing well — over .400 in the last week. He does seem capable of a decent enough average, but he is completely bereft of power and speed, assuming I’m using the word bereft correctly.
Starlin Castro – Out for the year with a high ankle sprain. Whoever suggested he play wearing high heels should be fired immediately.
Ryan Braun – Away from the club for the birth of his first child. Finding the baby room should be as easy as finding Braun, just follow the PED(iatrics).
Khris Davis – 3-for-4, 1 run. Probably is getting hot. What makes your Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it) say that? Cause I dropped him.
Kyle Hendricks – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 0 Ks, ERA at 2.02. His K-rate is under 5 and he goes to Toronto next. Do you even have to ask what I think? Okay, I kinda just said what I thought by saying do you even to ask what I think, but you hear– read me, right?
Chris Valaika – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. So, it wasn’t Rizzo at all, it was 1st base! He’s okay for NL-Only leagues where you just need a starter, but if you pick him up in mixed leagues, I’ll give you The Valaika. You don’t want my Valaika. My nostrils flare and my eyes pierce.
Jason Vargas – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 3.14, and no one owns him. This start was against the RAAAngers, but, I mean, 3.14 ERA on the year. Yet, no ownership.
Alex Gordon – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. Stay hot for three more weeks and I’ll be your best friend. I don’t care if you want me as a friend. I. Will. Be. Your. Best. Friend. End of story.
Dustin Pedroia – Could return this weekend from his concussion. Red Sox thought he’d be out longer, but he keeps chewing throwing the cone around his head and ruining the clubhouse furniture. Don’t ever count out a Sparky Anklebiter. Though, wouldn’t count on him for much, since he wasn’t doing much all year prior to this.
Daniel Nava – 2-for-4 after going 2-for-3 with a homer the night before. Could be a slight schmotato, definitely worth watching like a cyclops with a monocle.
Hiroki Kuroda – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks. Watching the Yanks vs. the Red Sawx with all of their lifeless bats and past-their-prime players (mostly on the Yankees), I tried to think about who would care about this game now. Ya know, besides ESPN. I envisioned an aging guido sitting in his IROC tuned into the game. Basically, The Situation.
Brian McCann – 4-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer. Yes, we McCann! Hey, whatever happened to Obama? Heard a lot from him before he was elected, haven’t heard much since. Hope he had a soft landing after the election. *intern whispers in my ear* Hmm, turns out he’s the president. Whaddya know, good for him!
Jon Lester – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.54. I’m gonna have, like, twenty top ten pitchers next year. Lester may get the shaft, which is not to say Hollywood won’t have a place for him after he stars in blaxploitation films, but there’s only so many spots, and I want to rank Corey Kluber three times in the first seven spots.
Adam Dunn – 1-for-4 and his 22nd homer. “Hey, this is Michael Lewis, and I have my next book idea…Donkeyball! No, it’s not set in Tijuana.”
Stephen Vogt – Left yesterday’s game with a sprained left ankle. Vogting gterrible news.
Kyle Seager – 3-for-4 and his 22nd homer, his 2nd homer in as many games. In this game, Corey Hart (1-for-4) also homered. Last time, Seager and Corey Hart had that many hits in one day, they were both wearing acid washed jeans.
Felix Hernandez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 2.18. “Okay, but how many wins does he have?” Oh, Murray Chass.
Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer. Now has three homers in the last four games. Hot schmotato alert!
Kennys Vargas – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. You need an armys of mens to hold back Kennys.
Danny Santana – 2-for-4, 1 run, hitting .316 and has 7 homers and 13 steals in only 81 games. Easy math alert! He’s a 14 homer, 26 steal guy over the course of a season.
Carlos Santana – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer and 2nd day in a row with a homer. Member when you wanted to drop him in April? What’s that? You dropped him for two months, grabbed Mesoraco then dropped him for Santana again? Well, la di da.
Jose Ramirez – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 6th steal. Seemed to go ice cold there for about a week, but the week before that he was a tasty hot schmotato. Would definitely look at him again, if you’re hurting at MI.
Danny Salazar – 9 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks. This gives you an indication of what he’s capable of, but you can’t trust him yet no matter what he does. He could have a 5 IP, 5 ER game or a 7 IP, 0 ER game and it has no bearing on his next game. Speaking of bearing…
Justin Verlander – 6 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 4.80. Was hard to watch him yesterday. Not because he continues to pitch poorly, but because I couldn’t help picturing him doing a selfie with Prince Fielder from the ESPN Noodes issue.
Aaron Sanchez – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd save. Well, that wasn’t a “multiple inning save” like coach claimed he would be used in. Zoinks! I own him everywhere I need saves. As I keep saying, Janssen is not being re-signed by the Jays and they are looking at other options. Sanchez is that option right now.
Jose Reyes – 2-for-5 and two steals (25, 26). Is it a contract year already for him?
Adam Lind – 4-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .317 with 4 homers on the year. Fo’serious, what happened to his power? He’s hitting well, has played a decent amount. Did Dwayne Murphy use his toothbrush to clean a toilet and now Lind’s holding a silent protest?
Marcus Stroman – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.83. As his ERA shows, it hasn’t been all peaches and cream for him this year, but I could see February Grey being most excited about Stroman out of all the sexy second year starters.
Dioner Navarro – 2-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. I always want to pronounce Dioner similarly to Eeyore. Speaking of which, is the Lil Wayne song, A Milli, about the Pooh author? Hmm, probably.
Chris Archer – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 3.60. A forgettable start for him. Who? Exactly.
Andrew Cashner – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, and was done in by poor defense. Cashner said after the game, “You people can’t hit, at least you can frickin’ field!”
Collin McHugh – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 2.89. Lucky, you never picked him up. Whew!
Chris Carter – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 34th and 35th homer. Hurry K’d Carter was falsely tried, the crime was ‘he strikes out too much’ guess who testified? Albright and you and we both baldly lied and the newspapers they all went along for the ride! How can the life of such a man be in the palm of some fool’s hand? Hey, c’mon. To see him, obviously the pitch was framed, couldn’t help but make me feel ashamed to live in a land where fantasy baseball is a game!
Justin Upton – Sat out yesterday with a sore triceps. Wasn’t that a character in Jurassic Park?
B.J. Upton – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer as he bats .207. He must have been feeling inadequate this whole time with Justin around, so as soon as Justin was out of the lineup he did well. Some would say a B.J. filled with insecurity is better than no B.J. at all.
Christian Bethancourt – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st steal. Bethancourt is a sneaky NL-Only stash since he’s the likely successor when the Braves trade Gattis this winter. Bethancourt’s most known for his defense and chatting up Seth Smith. From his minor league numbers, he looks like a Yadier Molina/Miguel Olivo love child. So a guy that eats a lot of ears? Not exactly. More like 10 HRs, 8 SBs with a poor OBP.
Ervin Santana – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA up to 3.61. Ervin’s looked savvier. Like when he opened a Burger King franchise right next to a 24-Hour Fitness.
Grady Sizemore – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer on the Phils, and 5th overall. Take your March self, who thought Sizemore could return to elite territory, behind a woodshed and have a word with him.
Ben Revere – 3-for-5, 2 runs, has four straight games with multiple hits and three steals in that time. What a trip he’s been on lately. I mean the mind-altering visions he gets when he watches the Nats.
Josh Beckett – Likely out for the season. Backdate this to 2012.
Carlos Frias – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks. Shouldn’t Frias pitch for the Padres? Where’s the justice?! In the courts? Leave me alone, Random Italicized Voice. Whoa, Ms. Snippy and Mr. Mean had a baby today. Frias has knocked around the minor leagues since 2008 with middling results, and isn’t guaranteed another start, so there’s that.
Joc Pederson – 1-for-4 as he started another game; this time pushing Kemp to the bench. Hey, if you have room on your roster to shuffle Pederson in and out, go for it, but he is still a 4th outfielder for now.
Justin Turner – 3-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Has been hitting over .400 in the last week, but hasn’t been playing full-time, so if it’s deep league and you can shuffle him in and out, Turner, Turner, Turner. This is the season for Turner, Turner, Turner. To everything, Turner, Turner, Turner. Or so says Marlon Byrd’s band.
Carl Crawford – 3-for-7, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. His homer sent it into triple-double overtime. They could’ve used Reggie Miller for Winning Time. Speaking of which (not really, ignore bad segue), our fantasy basketball leagues are now signing up. Go there, and do that.
Adam LaRoche – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 20th homer as he entered the game as a pinch hitter. Since he didn’t start, I’ll say it for you — sonavabench!
Rafael Soriano – 1 IP, 1 ER and his 6th blown save as he continues to give up runs in just about every appearance. That doesn’t seem to bother Matt Williams or he’s asleep under his Oakleys. Either way, or eyethurr way if Chingy is reading, I grabbed Drew Storen just in case.
Jacob deGrom – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the MIA Marlins. I streamed him for this game, and dropped him before the game even started. I could see going back to him though, per the Stream-o-Nator. By the by, in this game, deGrom went against Koehler and Nieuwenhuis homered, sparking Elias Sports Bureau to claim this was the first game to star three items you can buy at Ikea.
Juan Lagares – 2-for-5. Still crazy hot, but I guess you don’t like hot. That’s too bad, that’s what wins championships. Fear of success? I’m sad for you. Here, crying emoji for you.
Matt den Dekker – 3-for-4, 1 run. Elias Sports Bureau might want to also consider a den Dekker in their Ikea items. Isn’t that one of their couches? As with most Mets hitters right now, den Dekker is also hot, hitting near-.350 in the last week with two steals.
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-4 and his 36th homer. Zero more to go!
Tom Koehler – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA down to 3.74. He continues to be a decent flyer for NL-Only leagues and very deep mixed leagues, but not someone I’d go anywhere near in mixed leagues, and not simply because his family manufactures toilets.
Chris Davis – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer. Looks like I might’ve pulled the plug on Davis too soon when I said to drop him last Friday. Make that I pulled the plug way too late, he should’ve been dropped in March, but if you had him this long, it looks like he’s finally showing signs.
Jonathan Schoop – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. If he gets to 20 homers, it could make him a sleeper du jour next year, then I’d have to Stevie Wonder him and turn a blind eye. Slow your roll, Schoop.
Miguel Gonzalez – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 3.38. Three years now that he’s kept his ERA in the mid-3’s, and three years now that he’s bounced to and fro on waivers in most mixed leagues. He’s owned in only 2% of RCL leagues and his ERA is 3.38. I sorta understand it too. His Ks are yawnstipating, his division is scary and every time you go to pick him up, you see about twelve Gonzalezes and forget which one you want.
Edinson Volquez – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 3.31. Some pitchers with a worse ERA than Edinson: Kazmir, Shields, Strasburg, Jered Weaver, well, shoot, a ton of guys since Edinson has the 33rd best ERA in baseball for qualifying pitchers. Ray Searage is real and he’s beautiful.
Shelby Miller – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 4.00. Has now put up three straight Quality Starts, but at this time of the year it’s all about who he’s going against next. So, who is he, Stream-o-Nator? Oh, don’t love that matchup.
Jon Jay – 2-for-3. Have mentioned how he’s hitting near-.370 since the All-Star break twenty times, so you’ll have to excuse me if I don’t want to drop my pants to count to 21.