Geez, Roy Oswalt has sure come a far way since the whole “I will only sign with one or two teams” stance as he signed with the Rockies. They’re not necessarily a bad team, but what pitcher wants to come out of semi-retirement to pitch in Colorado? It’s like Smokey the Bear coming out of semi-retirement to work at a cigar shop. “Smokey, we really appreciate the job you’re doing, but could you stop throwing buckets of water on our customers?” That’s Smokey’s boss at the cigar shop. Better yet, a pitcher coming out of semi-retirement to pitch for the Rockies is like I.M. Pei coming out of retirement to work at Home Depot. Roy Rockie Oswalt must’ve really got sick of driving his kids to school and needed something to do. Oswalt is going to assassinate his career ERA. Maybe Oswalt plans to drive his tractor to Colorado and haul dirt until Coors is at sea level. When your third best starter is a toss-up between Tyler Chatwood and Jeff Francis, you’re pretty much guaranteed a starting job, so Oswalt should be with the major league club shortly, but you shouldn’t care. I liked El Roy with the Astros, but it’s all rut-roh in Colorado. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Travis Wood – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks. Looked great until the Cubs’ bullpen phone was accidentally touched. Wood’s now 6-for-6 on Quality Starts to begin the year with a 2.50 ERA (3.68 FIP). Solid NL-Only guy and streamer, but doesn’t have a great K-rate or BB-rate. So he’s more like Travis Semi-Erect.
Scott Hairston – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. He now has two homers in his last three starts. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he could be a hot schmotato for NL-Only leagues. Fun Fact Alert! When he gets old, he’s decided to change his name to Scott Baldston.
Everth Cabrera – 1-for-4 with his 8th steal, now batting .259. It’s a very real concern that he could bat .220 this year, which in the grand scheme of things isn’t terrible compared to life, death and why didn’t my DVR record Survivor?
Huston Street – Got the save. Much like Houston Street in New York (which looks like it’s pronounced the same but is how-stin), Street hasn’t been pretty but has been effective. He’s a perfect 6-for-6 in save opportunities, but only has six Ks in 11 IP. That gives me as much shpilkes as the pastrami sandwich at Katz’s.
Eric Stults – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks. Stults isn’t startable outside of streaming when you need a Hodgepadre, so whatever on him. Since it was a slow day yesterday, this is kind of a funny story. My Cougar is a film producer and she was doing a movie with Matthew Modine. So, he comes to town and stays on someone’s couch — no hotel or anything. A 50-something guy who has to have the money crashing on someone’s couch for…2 months! So, then Cougs inadvertently gets involved in an email chain between Stoltz and Modine. They’re just talking back and forth. It’s like a certain sub-section of people over the age of 40 can’t figure out when and when not to Reply All. Any hoo, Stoltz signs off his emails as…The Ginger Freak Bird.
Dee Gordon – Since he’s a buck-fifteen soaking wet, he can’t make the throw from short to 1st without a relay, so the Dodgers have been trying him out in the minors at 2nd base. The Dodgers said this isn’t because of Mark Ellis’s injury. Since they seem to hate Gordon, I tend to believe them.
Bryce Harper – 0-for-4, but right back in the lineup after the scare to his owners on Wednesday. You should thank Rudy as he cut off a clump of his afro and made a little Harper voodoo doll and prayed to the God that Lisa Bonet prayed to in Angel Heart.
Jayson Werth – Returned from his sore ankle and hamstring…and was removed in the 5th because of the sore hammy. He’s day-to-day, FWIWerth.
Dan Haren – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Braves, though I’m not sure what that means right now because they are severely slumping after being the bee’s boobs for a few weeks. I still wouldn’t touch Haren with a ten-foot pole, unless that pole was a pretzel rod covered in chocolate and rolled in Jimmies. Those things are hard to resist!
Francisco Rodriguez – Secured a work visa and is headed to extended Spring Training. Only took him over a month. Geez, the line at the work visa place must be worse than the DMV.
Aramis Ramirez – Ron Roenicke said Aramis won’t play every day or a full nine innings when he’s activated. I wonder if Roenicke can tie his shoes wearing those kid gloves.
Shane Victorino – Says he should be able to return on Friday. Hey, that’s today! What a coinkydink.
Domonic Brown – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. It’s a Brownsville revival! Gentrify some buildings up in here, up in here! (That was overheard at a city council meeting in Brooklyn, but applies here pretty aptly.) I really need Brown to come alive, so you’ll have to pardon me while I cross my fingers that he xbyinfsdlvsuxe… All right, will cross my fingers when I’m done.
Ryan Howard – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 4th homer. I don’t think you can get all that much for him in a trade, but Howard looks donezo with those big years. Doode got old as dog balls. He’s slow. It happens to the big-bellied. You’ll see it too from Fielder in four to five years.
Kyle Kendrick – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. Kendrick, I recognize your fragrance, you ain’t gotta say shizz, and I know your taste is, you vs. the Marlins is low maintenance.
Gavin Floyd – He was told he had a muscle strain in his elbow but he’s seeking multiple opinions. God bless him, if I were him and someone said, “Nah, your pitching isn’t crap, it’s your elbow,” I’d accept that opinion.
Hector Santiago – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. Interesting guy to look at if he can manage to rein in his walks. Last year, he had a 5+ BB/9, but in the low minors he put together some BB/9’s under 3. Are you going to get much more than a 3.80-ish ERA? Nah, prolly not, but there’s a possibility of him surprising for a start or two while he’s in the rotation. He gets Metco next; I grabbed him. Put pithier: Santiago is Chile today, hot tamale.
Tyler Flowers – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Member when he was all the rage the first week of the season? We were younger then. And you were skinnier!
Colby Lewis – Will begin a a rehab assignment on May 9th. Cool, Lewis can set his iCal now. “Siri, I will begin rehab on May 9th.” Siri, “Colby, maybe you should stop drinking now.”
Justin Grimm – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 9 Ks. The White Sox are surprisingly terrible (depending on your threshold for surprise). Their team OBP is .283 with the third worst runs scored and have a .231 team batting average. Grimm has solid K and walk rates and an excellent FIP, but he’s also faced the Mariners twice, Twins and White Sox. His next start in Milwaukee will be a huge test on whether I’m fully buying. So far, I like what I see. I could see stashing him on your bench to see what he does vs. the Bratwurst Bombers.
Adrian Beltre – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. Hmm, maybe that trade of mine for Beltre isn’t gonna happen. As my Polish neighbor would say, what can do?
Alex Sanabia – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Your onamatosanabia of the day is blargh.
Justin Ruggiano – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, while batting .242. You want the good or bad news first? Fine. Good news is he’s doing better than I thought he would. Bad news is he’s completely replaceable in 12-team mixed leagues.
Jake Westbrook – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks with a 1.07 ERA. The Ghost of Dave Duncan lives!
Edward Mujica – Has now given up runs in his last two save appearances, but has converted them. It’s nothing to fret over — you fretter! — but it’s worth noting, in case he starts blowing saves like me blowing the dice at the craps table…. C’mon, lucky number 7… Ooh…Craps, or as I call “Axford.”
David Freese – 2-for-3, run, RBI. Might finally be shaking out of his month long slump as this game comes after the Cardinals put Freese on ice for two days hoping to thaw out his bat. Oxymorons!
Wily Peralta – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER. Death of a Starter as Wily low-man on your fantasy staff totem pole exits stage wherever he came from.
Ryan Madson – Had scar tissue removed from his elbow. Dr. Anthony Kiedis removed it under a bridge while watching Californication in a medley of surgeries.
Chris Tillman – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks. I’m a smitten kitten with this guy. Invariably, if you ask me in the comments so-and-so or Tillman, I’m gonna probably say Tillman. Okay, maybe 50% of the time…Okay, 30%. But I really do like him. In fact, I just dropped Travis Wood for him. Happy?
Nate McLouth – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Still butter with the ER as he defibrillates his career.
Joel Hanrahan – Got the save yesterday. Let’s recap the last week in the Red Sox bullpen. They said Hanrahanananananananan would close, then Bailey, then Hanrahanananananananan, then Bailey then Pedro Serrano, then Hanrahanananananananan got the save. Bailey had biceps soreness so Hanrahanananananananan stepped in. I’d hold both for now, but Hanrahanananananananan’s recipes for saves is pretty straight forward: 1 part Cointreau, 1 part Kahlua, 1 part Bailey’s arm is creamed.
Ryan Dempster – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. Mercy, Big Biscuit, mercy!
Jordan Lyles – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. A truly valiant effort by the Astros starter and for the entire team as they took the Tigers to the 14th inning before finally losing. Oh, wait, I don’t have a Valiant Effort category in my league. Oh well!
Carlos Pena – 2-for-6 with his 3rd homer. He’s hit in five straight and usually gets crazy hot for a week or two stretch. Pena’s penning a potential productive pick-up. Say that fast 117 times!
Jason Heyward – Will take dry swings on Saturday. At one point in my life, I had a two-year dry swing. I couldn’t get laid with a bottle of roofies in a– Okay, oversharing.
Joba Chamberlain – Hit the DL with an oblique strain. Joba the Flop should be back in three weeks.
Michael Pineda – The Yankees reported that Pineda was hitting 93-95 MPH. Whatever, Gallardo hits that drunk.
Josh Johnson – Placed on the DL. If you drafted him, that’s the nicest thing he’s done to you so far. Get him a Thank You card, sign it “Lates, Asshat,” and drop it in the mail. Ann Landers would appreciate your manners.
Brett Lawrie – 1-for-3 with his 3rd homer. Not all in this game, but he did run the bases three times on his home run trot. Told the coach, “Just burning off some excess energy. Woohoo!” Then he did jazz hands for ten minutes.
Ricky Romero – Will get the start vs. the Mariners tonight. No, you should not pick him up. I don’t care how deep your league is. Okay, in AL-Only leagues, fine, but that’s it. Last year, RR Cool Jay was the worst pitcher of the last twenty years. If you pick him up, you have a death wish. Drive to Detroit at midnight in a Japanese car, wearing a shirt that says, “I Buy American Cheese, And That’s It.” It’s safer than starting Romero.