As many of you know, Bruce Bochy has the biggest head in the major leagues. As a player, when he was traded, he would have to take his helmet with him to his new club because the new team wouldn’t have a helmet big enough for him. It made traveling easier, since everything he needed would fit inside the helmet. We all know the story about how when Giants rookie, Joe Panik, was called up, he forgot to make arrangements to stay somewhere in the San Fran area, so he draped a sheet over Bochy’s cap and slept in there. Lots of good has come of Bochy’s giant melon. Of course, the 27-pound bowling ball has its drawbacks. Like when he went to see Toy Story and blocked half the audience. Lots of angry parents that day. Or the time he was in South Dakota and people starting climbing up his side thinking he was Mount Rushmore. Sometimes what would take a person with a normal-sized head a week or two to figure out, thoughts bounce around in Bochy’s Metrodome much longer. So when Sergio Romo wasn’t good for the month of May, then again in June, it took longer for Bochy to realize a change was needed, but he finally figured it out. Bochy said Santiago Casilla would replace Romo, then he banged the side of his head for 15 minutes waiting for another thought, and finally it came out that Jeremy Affeldt would see some situational saves, as long as Gilbert Gottfried isn’t introducing Affeldt at games. Yesterday, Affeldt got hit, and Casilla looked solid as he has all year. I’d grab Casilla in all leagues if you’re SAGNOF’ing around for saves. Hopefully, even if Bochy thinks about putting Romo back in the role, it takes a few weeks for that thought to land in the right spot in his cavernous whale head. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Tim Hudson – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.59. Didn’t see the game, but caught the highlights of Tim Hudson on VH1 Classic.
Homer Bailey – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks. I hope the strength/conditioning/superstition coach yesterday recorded exactly what Bailey ate and which side of the bed he rolled out of or whatever else it takes to keep him doing the voodoo that he do and keeping him from doing the doo-doo he did do.
Jon Lester – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. Masahiro Tanaka (9 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks), which resulted in a Red Sox/Yankees game being over in two hours and forty-seven minutes. This caused problems since the Yankees sell every seat in their stadium twice with the turnover point coming two hours into the game. “Hey, I only get two innings? Fuhgeddaboudit!”
Carlos Beltran – 3-for-4 and his 8th homer. The Zombino pushes his hand out through the dirt in the outfield grass. And hurts his elbow. “Stupid hard to move soil!” That’s the Zombino. We’ll see if this is the start of anything by Beltran, but he’s batting .220, and was 2-for-22 in the last week prior to this game.
Josh Tomlin – 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, Zero Walks, 11 Ks. Easily Tomlin’s best performance since Flirting With Disaster, but that’s what you’d be doing if you picked him up.
Justin Masterson – Cleared to pitch again on Tuesday. Can’t believe how low he’s stooping. Before he was throwing one good game, then one lousy game, tricking fantasy owners to trust him after his good game only to get crushed by his bad game. But, unable to keep up that ruse, he decided to pretend he was pitching bad due to a knee, so now he’s giving fantasy owners hope in a different way. Only thing left after his next bad start is pretending he fixed a mechanics issue.
Felix Hernandez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners (1 Hit), 9 Ks. I’m a bit concerned about the three walks to only one hit. I’m just Josh Tomlin’ing with you, F-Her is the bomb dot gov.
Robinson Cano – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. If he hits ten more homers by the close of games tomorrow, we’ll be fine.
Andrew Heaney – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA up to 5.29. Potatoes to chips, I’m sure he will be better. No joke. Seriously. He will be. When? Well, that’s a whole ‘nother pickle. Could be his next start, could be next year, could be waiting for him like he’s the second coming of Homer Bailey.
Josh Reddick – To the DL with a strained knee. It’s the same knee that caused him problems earlier this season. Could be worse, like whatever caused his ancestors to get that last name.
Nate Freiman – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs as he fills in for Reddick. Better than the other way around. You’d wish you weren’t such a Freiman! Freiman has nice power (14 homers in 76 games in Triple-A), but the A’s will be platooning him. Of course they will.
Christian Yelich – 1-for-4, 1 run as he was activated from the DL. Yelich’s mom wouldn’t say it, but she seemed glad to get him out of the house, so she can have her boyfriend, Casey McGehee, come over without awkwardness.
Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks in the first game of the doubleheader on Saturday. The Cubs and Nationals had a rare day off on Sunday due to the Chicago Pride Parade. I would’ve thought a Chicago parade would’ve been called a Sleuth Parade.
Taijuan Walker – Will start on Monday and now that he’s made us wait 3 months it’s guaranteed he will disappoint. Yes, this was my best attempt to lower expectations so we’re encouraged by his start. And that last sentence is defeating the purpose.
Evan Gattis – Had x-rays on his back on Saturday that turned up negative, and will have an MRI when the team gets back to Atlanta. I’m not one to stick my nose where it doesn’t belong, but the Braves could send Gattis home by himself for the MRI. Are they afraid he’s going to clean out their bank account and vanish?
Jimmy Rollins – 3-for-5 and his 14th steal. Gonna be hard to figure out which Phillie Danny Glover’s going to play. There’s so many “I’m too old for this sh*t* options.
Hanley Ramirez – Played briefly on Saturday, and then missed Sunday because of a tweaked calf. Hanley never had a minor calf injury he couldn’t milk. Pun point!
Clayton Kershaw – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 13 Ks. 13 Ks is nice, but one baserunner per inning? Who are you, Ordinary McOrdinarystein? Got your shizz together!
Lance Lynn – 2 IP, 6 ER. I guess this wasn’t the game to stream Lynn. *dresses up as Paula Dean, walks into a soul food restaurant, hands out pats of butter to pelt me with*
Shelby Miller – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 4.10. Don’t worry, it’ll get better. Not that Miller will get better, but at some point you will drop him and your team will get better in general.
Matt Carpenter – 3-for-4 and his 3rd steal. Last year he would’ve scored 4 runs and knocked in 7 RBIs if he had three hits. Stupid world balancing itself out!
David Wright – After an MRI on Saturday, he was diagnosed with a bruised rotator cuff. He’s already hitting for no power. How much better do you think he’s going to get with a sore rotator cuff? Much better or much butt-er. About a month ago, I told you to sell him, saying I would be met (punny!) with resistance. Of course I was, people love Wright. He’s a nice guy, and people are clouded by that. Luckily, if you own him, you can still sell him, because there’s always someone who thinks if they own Wright he will show up at their house to help them get their cat out of a tree. Wright’s not going to help you with your kitten! When will people understand this? I need to take a sauna.
Bartolo Colon – 6 IP, 5 ER. Damn, the Colon flush.
Lucas Duda – 2-for-4. It’s rare when a hot schmotato makes it from one week to the next, even rarer (more rare?) when his manager is trying to get himself fired. Terry Collins should just tell the press that he refused a trade for Jaime Garcia, because there’s already enough Jaimes in New York. That would get him fired.
Gerrit Cole – 4 IP, 5 ER as he returned from the DL, ERA is now up to 4.02. The 2nd year pressure is not turning Cole into a diamond, which might be some kind of political protest against blood diamonds. If so, Sierra Leone stands behind him, but his fantasy owners would prefer he just planned a vacation with Bono in the offseason.
Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs, and his 13th homer, hitting .241. His numbers have changed dramatically from the last two seasons. His K-rate is down to 23.8% from 30+, but his line drive rate is way down and infield fly ball rate is up. In other words, Alvarez is making weak contact. In other other words, he’s figured out a different way to have a lousy average without striking out as much.
Zach Putnam – Got his first major league save on Saturday and gave up a run in the process. Jake Petricka picked up his 2nd career save last week. Eric Surkamp looks like he should be in an American Pie remake. Daniel Webb and Javy Guerra have the pedigree to save games, supposedly, but Ventura doesn’t put them within sniffing distance of a save, and since the late innings have stunk for the White Sox, sniffing distance is really far away. I own Perestroika, and am telling you because I believe in openness. In for their next save, could be anyone.
Jose Quintana – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Blue Jays (member when they were good? Feels like years ago, it was weeks.). I could sit here — and I am sitting — and tell you Quintana isn’t owned anywhere, and has a 3.44 ERA, a 1.28 WHIP and decent K and walk rates, but no one would pick him up. People don’t care for Quintana, it’s a sad story. I’ll have to bid on the world’s smallest violin on eBay, so I can play it for him. Since he’s a streamer, I go to the Stream-o-Nator and tell you he gets a solid next start.
Mark Buehrle – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.50. I look forward to Joe Buck saying in the All-Star Game, “Buehrle has been great this year, but he just didn’t have his best stuff today against these NL hitters.”
Jose Bautista – Pinch hit yesterday, and hopes to return to the starting lineup on Tuesday. By not placing him on the DL, it saved about four days. Yay, team decisions.
Matt Joyce – 5-for-6, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and two homers as he hit third in the Jigga what, rejiggered Rays lineup. I’m going to keep harping on this, like I’m a monkey-fighting angel on a monkey-fighting harp, but has there ever been a situation where the three-hole guy is platooned? Joyce isn’t even an everyday player.
Ben Zobrist – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs. The Rays exploded for all kinds of homers yesterday. Basically, everyone in their lineup homered, except Longoria.
Kevin Kiermaier – 2-for-5 and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Little hot schmotato action here, and he could be batting third in the Rays lineup next game or could be out of the lineup. Hard to say like Marc Rzepczynski.
Manny Machado – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games, hitting near-.350 in the last week. Looks like he’s starting to come out of his season-long slump. Too bad Showalter is punishing him by batting him 7th. Guess Machado shouldn’t have asked Buck if he was going to see Torre inducted into the Hall of Fame. Sore point!
Logan Forsythe – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer and 2nd homer (stutterer!) in as many games. Forsythe is hitting near-.450 in the last week, and has some speed (that he hasn’t shown yet). If you’re in a deep league, I’d look at Forsythe for a hot bat.
Nick Markakis – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th steal, and homered on Saturday while hitting near-.350 in the last week. It was announced Markakis is the 8th player in the franchise’s history with nine or more seasons of 100 hits. That’s the Elliot Smith of baseball records. Just sad. Almost as impressive as the list of players with at least 400 at-bats in nine seasons. Oh, wait, it’s the same record.
Robinson Chirinos – 3-for-3 and his 7th homer. At least one Robinson is hitting for power this year. I’m farting in your general direction, Cano.
Kyle Gibson – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. Since he has a 4.84 K-rate and that is the worst K-rate I remember ever seeing in my life, I’m gonna say you should pass on him.
Kole Calhoun – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 7th homer. Hitting close to .400 in the last week, near-.350 in June with 4 homers (3 homers in the last ten days). So, you’ve heard all the accolades, and you’ve even Googled what the hell accolades are, so why are you not picking him up? Afraid of success? That’s what your relatives would say about you. Prove your family wrong and get him!
Jason Grilli – 1/3 IP, and gave up the losing run. He’s gonna fit in just fine!
Lorenzo Cain – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs. Yo, MC Ren. Tell him where you from! Cain hasn’t stolen that many bases this year, the definition is jacking. But he’s swinging a hot bat, and when illegally armed it’s called packing.
Aramis Ramirez – 0-for-1, 1 run and 2 steals. This is the first time he’s stolen 2 bases in one game in his 17-year career. Maybe he imagined he’s running from the Grim Reaper. Always worked for Betty White.
Dallas Keuchel – Swollen wrist forced him to miss his Saturday start. Jose de Jesus Ortiz of the Houston Chronicle said the Astros are hopeful he makes his next start, and he also said, “Of course my name is made up. Jose de Jesus Ortiz is obviously a ploy to appeal to our Hispanic readers.”
Dexter Fowler – Missed three straight games with back stiffness. Astros GM, Jeff Luhnow, said it’s precautionary. I’d love to hear Busta Rhymes say Luhnow. I’m getting paper….Jeff Luhnow!
Jose Altuve – 3-for-5, 1 run and 2 more steals (35, 36). Will someone please lock Altuve in a locker for a week or two? He’s giving Rudy too many steals.
Matt Dominguez – 3-for-4, 1 run. Hey, it’s Matt Sunday on Sunday doing his Sunday thing!
Tony Sipp – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER got his first major league save because Qualls had worked two days in a row. Doesn’t Tony Sipp sound like a field goal kicker? Is that what they’re called? Wonky segue alert! Jay’s starting to lay out his 2014 fantasy football rankings. Go there, see that.
Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 13 Ks. Did you know Scherzer is German for “sexy strikeout pitcher that challenges the elastic in Grey’s panties?” Obviously Scherzer is much easier to fit on a driver’s license.
Drew Smyly – 2 1/3 IP, 4 ER vs. the Astros. Is there a middle finger emoticon?
Chris Owings – To the DL with a sore left shoulder. Gregorius, who is very popular with his teammates and extremely social, will fill-in.
Odrisamer Despaigne – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 2 Ks. As long as he’s in Petco, I’d start him in any league. On a side note, I would’ve loved to have been a fly on the wall when he was told he was being lifted for Quakenbush. Or later that night when he tried to explain to his family that Quakenbush relieved him. “¿Donde esta Quakenbush or que es Quakenbush? Me no comprende a correct pregunta por el Quakenbush. ¿¡Que or donde or quien es el Quakenbush?!”